Explosions :)

I didn't know how long I'd been away; I'd spent most of it off my face, with drink as my only companion. I had reacquainted myself with an old friend…Jack Daniels and now we go hand in hand; like lovers who can't be separated. A bit like how me and him used to be. I can't bring myself to say his name anymore, it hurts too much, it makes me feel weak and pathetic. Pathetic because even after weeks without him and lots of refused visits, I still love him desperately, wholeheartedly. The days and nights feel the same and there is no escaping the pain I feel or the constant reminder that he is gone now. But as my pain increases, which it seems to daily, my resentment grows and I feel consumed with anger.

I tried visiting once, turned up at the prison with no visiting order; I thought I could blag it. I knew how it was gonna end, but I didn't care, fueled up on alcohol and missing him more than anything was a great combination. It gave me a determination that I didn't know I had. Of course I didn't even make it through the gates. I remember slouching against the wall outside in defeat, grazing my back as I slid down. I shouted his name from the top of my lungs, over and over, hoping that he would hear me. I could feel my voice breaking, like when you have a sore throat and can hardly speak, it was probably for the best anyway. One of the prison guards had already threatened to physically remove me if I didn't shut the fuck up, but that only made me try to shout louder, until nothing came out at all.

I don't remember ever feeling this lost, even when Leah and Lucas left I didn't feel this empty, but then I had him didn't I? Beautiful him. He was all I ever really wanted. Now I'm back home, a shadow of my former self, stinking of drink with nicotine stains on my fingers. Everything looks the same, except everything is different and I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off. I attempt to go into the Deli, that is until I see Doug snogging John Paul's face off. I can't see them being in love and being all over each other, not when I'm barely holding it together myself. Why do they get to be happy? What makes them so fucking special?

No one gives a dam about me; if they did then someone would have tried to get hold of me while I was away. But I had no texts or missed calls on my phone; maybe I have just pushed everyone away. I could never leave someone so broken, I could never do to anyone what my friends have done to me. I look over at Chez Chez and nearly lose my balance when I see a sold sign plastered on the door…this can't be happening. Not now. Not ever. I need a drink, I need a lot of drinks and I contemplate going to price slice and buying a few bottles of something, anything that will get me drunk and quickly, but I decide to pop in the dog first. I don't speak to anyone at all on the way even though I notice people that I know, I just keep my head down and puff on another cigarette which I still hate the taste of, but in my mind they calm me. I think of my loved ones and how every single one of them is gone now, they might as well all be dead. As for Cheryl I hope she falls from her throne and ends up with nothing and no one…just like me. She created this mess, she let this happen and I will never forgive her. She stood back and watched him suffer, let him take the blame and now she's letting him rot in prison. She gets the happy ending, but what about his? He'll never have one now.

I know I'm full of anger, I can feel the rage inside of me and I'm angry at everyone. I'm angry at Doug for trying to keep him from me. I'm angry at Amy for never giving him a break. I'm angry at Kevin for trying to break us up. I'm angry at Walker for trying to kill him. I'm angry at Seamus for breaking him. I'm angry at Cheryl for doing nothing, but most of all I'm angry at him for leaving me. He made me fall in love with him all over again and then threw me away like rubbish. Why didn't he fight harder? It was always about me, when did that stop? He put Cheryl first this time and I feel like I've been cheated on. He said he'd never leave me, he promised me a future, he promised me so much, but now I'm left with nothing and I'm all alone in my misery. I enter the dog and everyone seems to notice me all at once. I don't care though; I don't care about anything anymore. I sit at the bar and order a double JD and coke; I just want to numb the fresh pain I'm feeling now. Tony approaches me with a concerned look upon his face.

"Hey Ste are you okay? Where have you been?"

"Oh I've been on holiday me, had a great time. Thought I'd sort my head out you know?"

"I'm worried about you Ste, you look…terrible."

"Don't worry about me Tony. I'm bad news, a waster just like the old days. I've nothing left now so I'm going back to my roots…my scally roots."

"Ste don't do this, let me help you."

"It's too late and if you really wanna help me then get me another drink."

I turn my back on him because I have nothing left to say and plus he was talking shit. That Ste is long gone, I am what is left of him, I am the bad bits of him…the best bits. I can feel that Tony is still next to me, he has brought me another drink, which he puts right under my nose.

"You know where I am Ste, don't forget it."

I don't bother to respond, I already know I'm beyond helping. There is only one person that can help me and I know that will never happen, so for now I've accepted who I am. The only thing I can think of now is Chez Chez and the fact that someone else is soon going to be running it, which makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I know what I have to do; I know what I have to do to make sure that his face is the last face I see standing on that balcony…no one else has got the right. I down my drink and get down from my bar stool knocking my glass over, smashing it into a thousand pieces on the floor. I hear Jack mumbling something but I ignore him, and leave the pub.

I make my way to Chez Chez and go to the back entrance. I break in by using a little technique I learned from my teenage years. There wasn't anywhere that I couldn't get into. Everything looks the same, everything smells the same and I can't resist going into the office one last time. I sit down on his chair and I feel a warmth I haven't felt for weeks. Its familiarity, it's comfort, it's him and memories flood to my mind dispersing the burning rage inside me. I think of Dublin and go back out to the bar, the rage has returned, it's wild and fierce and without a second thought I pick up a nearby chair and throw it at the various bottles of drink. It's just like being in his dad's pub; I can hear myself telling him "he can't hurt you anymore." Maybe doing this my hurt will end too. I watch as glass shatters and the liquid spills all over the floor and I'm mad, infuriated. I pull my lighter from my pocket and light the wet substance on the floor and then I watch as the flames take shape, burning higher and higher.

I think about staying in here, slowing suffocating on the smoke that would soon be filling my lungs and although it's very tempting, my day to die is not today. I make my way outside quickly, luckily hardly anyone is around and the few that are didn't notice me coming out of the club. I sit back and watch as the fire takes hold, smoke is visible now and I smirk thinking about the inferno inside. No one should ever stand where he stood and I'll make sure no one ever does. My senses become out of focus, everything feels like it's moving in slow motion and then I hear it…explosions.

Please review xx xx xx