THIS WAS WHAT REALLY MATTERED
By: Emantsal
A/N: I know I'm supposed to be working on Mystery to Me, but this invaded my brain a few weeks ago and I just had to write it. A bit of a character study/relationship study if you will about loss and learning to let go. It's a little rough (probably really rough) in places but I wanted to get it posted before the holiday. I hope you enjoy it. As always, if you have time, please leave a comment.
She takes Garrus, James, and Javvic. It's a full frontal assault. The brute military strength of seasoned soldiers, and one tech master, Shepard. He is ordered to remain on the Normandy, acting CO with Shepard now leading the ground assault.
Final run toward the beam and the James and Garrus are injured by debris and shrapnel. Shepard orders Javvic to escort the two soldiers back to an extraction point with the Normandy. On board, he can only watch as she pushed towards the beam, anxiety and guilt and fear eating a hole through his gut.
He's tried so hard to be there for her, even though he knew about her and Thane.
After the drell's death, Shepard just seemed to retreat into herself. She still pressed on toward the goal, but something was missing… something was wrong… off… It was like a piece of her had died with her lover. It was almost ironic that he immediately recognized it for what it was, having been there himself.
When it was over - when the Reapers had been defeated at that final battle, they'd found her buried in the rubble of the Citadel. On an Alliance hospital ship, she'd been kept in an induced coma as the medical team had worked tirelessly to bring her back from the brink of death. Not her choice, he knew. Surgery after surgery… Dr. Chakwas and the Alliance's top doctors had said it was only because of the extensive cybernetic implants Cerberus had rebuilt her with that she was alive. Anyone else would have died from the trauma. But thanks to the cybernetics Cerberus had grafted into her, over time she'd recovered. Well, physically, anyway. He knew too much had happened during the war. She'd lost too many friends to the war. She'd lost a piece of her soul…much as he once had…
Looking up from his Saturday morning paper, he glanced out the window and watched his wife of seven years playing on the beach with their five year old son. She'd named him Thane. He'd let her. Hell, he hoped he was man enough to not let her naming their son after her ex-lover bother him. The man was dead. Had been for over ten years now, ever since the battle for the Citadel during the Reaper Wars. And really, in the end, the drell assassin had been there for her when he hadn't. He owed him for that, at least…..
Maybe that was what really bothered him, that he hadn't been there. That he hadn't trusted her enough, that he hadn't been able to look past the Cerberus uniform to the woman inside...
Well, that and the fact that sometimes she would just sit down on the shoreline and stare out at the water, like she was searching for something out there beyond what human eyes could see…
Vera Shepard Alenko watched her son playing in the sand. They'd spent the morning building a sand castle complete with a moat and drawbridge made from a piece of driftwood they'd found. Saturday mornings were reserved for doing whatever struck their fancy. This day it was beach day. During the week there was school and work. Thane was in kindergarten, and she and Kaiden held advisory positions with the Galactic Council and the Human Alliance.
After the war, after her body had healed and she'd… after she'd found the will to go on, humanity had wanted her to have a seat on the Galactic Council. The Council has wanted her to return to work as a Spectre. It seemed that everyone had an opinion of what she should do.
Everyone except Kaidan. He'd told her to do whatever made her happy, and then he'd stood by her side when she'd announced to everyone that she would be retiring from military service.
"Come on Rugrat. Let's go see what Dad wants to do for lunch. He said something yesterday about getting some pizza." Brushing a few stray blond curls out of her face, she took one last glance out over the waves and began gathering their few things in the basket she and Thane had brought with them that morning.
"Real pizza, or that weird Salarian stuff down at Tupari Joe's?" the little boy asked. Picking up his sand pail and shovel, he methodically began brushing the fine grains of sand from them before placing them in the larger basket.
"I though you liked Tupari Joe's?"
"I do, but the other kids at school keep talking about this place called Chuck E Cheese. Brandon said his mom said they've been torturing pizza for over 200 years. What does that mean? "
"It's kinda like when I tried to make your birthday cake last year. Remember? It was supposed to be cake, but it turned out more like a brick? Kinda like that. They're supposed to be making pizza but somehow they wind up more like… I don't know… chewy rubber varren?"
"Ah, come on Mom. It can't be that bad. At least let me go and see for myself."
"Lets' see what your dad has to say, first. Then we'll decide."
At the house she sent the little boy to get washed up and change his clothes before heading into town.
Even at such a young age, he was just so smart. Methodical… precise… so focused. God he reminded her of him so much sometimes…
"He knows," she said by way of greeting as she entered the kitchen where her husband sat at the table drinking coffee and reading the paper.
"Well, you knew it had to happen sometime. You couldn't keep it from him forever."
"We could just move. Somewhere far away…. Maybe another planet…"
"It's just pizza, Vera."
"Really bad pizza, Kaidan. I almost think I'd rather go "talk" to the Council than have to go there."
Kaidan glanced over to where she was grabbing a water from the fridge, her back to him. Getting up, he walked over to place his now empty cup in the sink before going to pull her into his arms. Nuzzling the back of her neck, he reached around to gently rub the full swell of her belly, full with their second child.
"We can go for burgers, or maybe sushi if you'd rather," he said as she leaned back into his embrace.
"No," she sighed contentedly, leaning back against the solidness of her husband. "He really wants to go. And really, there's no reason not to… well other than the bad pizza, it's too loud, that questionable looking ball pit, and the roving packs of ankle biters."
"We can stop by Tupari Joe's and get you a personal pizza to go, then we'll find you a quiet corner to sit in. The ball pit? Well, even the great Commander Shepard can't fight the awesome power it holds on kids."
"What about those roving packs of munchkins? How will you protect me from them?"
"You're on your own there, Vera. Although I could trap them all in a stasis field, I guess."
"Hum…. You'd do that for me?"
"Well, no. Probably not."
"God, you're such a tease," she joked before leaning back for a quick kiss before going to check on Thane.
Kaidan watched her walk away, and he had to fight the urge to just pull her back into his arms. It seemed that after everything they'd gone through, they'd finally achieved a kind of peace, a happiness he'd never expected. And they were happy. He loved her and she loved him...
He knew she would always love the assassin… But in their darkest moments, she'd chosen to stay with him and not follow her drell lover across the sea.
After the Cerberus attack on the Citadel and Thane's death, Vera had gone off the deep end. Reckless in battle, taking too many chances with her life… And then there was the total withdrawal into herself and the binge drinking. In between missions, she'd hole up in Life Support, a bottle in one hand, a pistol in the other. If she wasn't there, she was standing in front of the memorial, tracing his name with a finger ever once in a while.
He'd finally confronted her, daring to invade her private space. He wouldn't fail her a second time. In a way he knew exactly what she was going through. He'd been there and done that himself.
She'd been drunk, again… and he'd…. well he'd been beyond caring that she could easily use the pistol in her hand to put a bullet between his eyes. At that point, it would have been a relief, really… an end to the emotional hell he'd been living in for the past three years.
"Shepard! God dammit! I know what you're going through. But all the booze in the world will not make it better. Trust me."
"Trust you!? Trust you!? Why in the hell should I trust you Kaidan?" she'd yelled, stumbling to her feet from where she'd been sitting at the small table in Life Support. "What in the hell could you know about what I'm going through?"
"Oh, I don't know. How about the fact when you died, I tried the same thing. Just crawl inside a bottle and drink until I couldn't feel anything anymore."
"You don't know anything, Alenko. You don't – "
"Bullshit, Vera. I know exactly what it's like to lose a piece of yourself, to feel like a part of your heart is being cut out with a dull knife. You drink until you pass out and hope the pain will go away. But every time you wake up, it's still there. You think that if you just drink a little more, maybe, just maybe, it won't hurt so bad the next time you sober up…"
"Oh please. You never loved me like that Kaidan," she spat, steadying herself against the window overlooking the drive core. "If you had you wouldn't have turned your back on me on Horizon. So don't pretend I ever meant that much to you."
"Two years, Shepard. Two years of pulling myself out of a drunken stupor and rebuilding something that resembled a life. You were dead and I had to look really hard to find a reason to go on. So I took Anderson's assignment. A new world. A new start… something… anything to help make the pain stop. And then the rumors started that you were alive and working for Cerberus. It was like a giant fist ripping my heart out of my chest again."
"Yea. You looked really broken up when we met after the Collector attack. I'd been going crazy looking for you since I woke up and when I finally find you, you call me a traitor and act like I'm something unpleasant you need to scrap off your shoe."
"I was in shock, Shepard. I'd finally made some kind of peace with your death and then you show up, back in the thick of battle like nothing ever happened. Like we never happened."
"No, you're the one that acted like we never happened. I tried to tell you what I was doing, tried to tell you about the Collectors and their connection to the Reapers. But you didn't believe me, or you didn't want to believe me. Either way, you didn't even try to listen to me. Whatever we had before, it wasn't enough for you to at least give me a chance…"
"Is that what he did? Did he hang on your every word and believe everything you told him? Is that why you - "
Even as he said it, he knew it wasn't true. He'd met the drell while they'd both been at Huerta Memorial Hospital. The man hadn't been a fool, by any stretch of the imagination. He'd been there with the commander when they destroyed the Collector Base. He'd witnessed the atrocities committed against all the human colonist first hand, knew better than most the apocalypse waiting to happen if Shepard failed... Thane had been there for Shepard when he himself had turned his back on her.
"Fuck you Kaidan," she screamed. "Fuck you, fuck all this shit. I never asked for this. I didn't ask to be brought back to life…." Her voice trailed off into a strangled sob. "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive…. Not if he's not…"
She slumped down against the wall, her head clutched between her empty hand and the one that held the pistol.
"Commander… I - " He took a step toward her.
"Just go Kaidan. I… I don't want to fight. I don't want to think… I just want this to be over… I just want it to end… everything…." She wrapped her arms around her knees and tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Shepard… Vera… don't give - " He slowly made his way around the table.
"It hurts so much... I don't… I don't want to hurt anymore." She wasn't even looking at him. She was just staring at the pistol in her hand.
"Commander… Shepard… you're not alone. We're here for you. I'm here for you." He reached for the gun and gently pulled it from her hand, placing it on the table now behind him.
"I can't be her... I'm can't be the woman you knew before…" she looked at him now with eyes that spoke of unbearable pain and loss.
"I know that. But just let me be here for you now. I wasn't the man you needed… back on Horizon, and I'm sorry. But… I'm here. Now. For you…" He moved to squat down in front of her.
"I can't… It's not fair to you - " her chin quivered and she pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes.
"Since when has anything about this whole damn war been fair, Shepard?" he whispered. "It wasn't fair when I lost you when the Normandy was attached. It wasn't fair when you lost Thane to that Cerberus bastard, Kia Leng. Jenkins, Ashley, your friend Mordin… nothing has been fair and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. But I can be here, now, for you." His voice grew stronger with each word. Truth had a way of giving you strength when you thought you would never be strong again.
"Kaidan…" It was just a whisper, but it reverberated through his whole being.
"Please Shepard. The Normandy and her crew needs you. The galaxy needs you… I need you…" He paused and gently moved her hands from her eyes. "We all need each other if we're going to have a chance of surviving this war… If we're going to have a chance to make it through."
"How can I make it through to the end? Sometimes I have to fight just to make it through the next hour, the next day…"
"I know Shepard. I know… But I'm here for you. We all are. When it's too much, lean on us. Lean on me…" He'd slowly moved to sit beside her and they'd stayed that way, both lost in thoughts of the past and things that could have been.
He'd made a promise that day to never again turn his back on her. No matter what. No matter if she never did come back to him, he would always be there for her. That's just what you did when you loved someone.
And he was there for her, through the war and after, when they'd pulled her from the rubble of the damaged Citadel.
The Alliance doctors had kept her in a coma for months after the final battle on the Citadel. Broken bones. Massive internal injuries. Possible brain damage. It had been the longest months of his life. Alliance brass had tried to force him back to active duty. He'd refused, rarely leaving the hospital.
His face was the first one she saw when she regained consciousness. His hands helped her take that first step when she was relearning to walk. His shoulder was the one she cried on when it all became too much.
Upstairs in their beach house the Savior of the Galaxy was fighting a losing battle with one small boy who insisted that she at "had" to eat the same pizza as himself and his dad, because… well just because. That's what families did. They ate pizza together.
"Your little brother disagrees with you, buddy," she said, absently mindedly rubbing her hand over her extended belly.
"How much longer do I have to wait for David to get here?" Thane asked, hurriedly tying his shoes.
"The doctor says any day now."
"That's what you said last week."
"Well, that's what the doctor told me."
Running to his mother, Thane Alenko grabbed his mother's stomach and shouted against her belly. "Hurry up David! I need a baby brother so I'll have someone to eat Chuck E Cheese pizza with!"
"Well, if that doesn't do it, nothing will," she joked, ruffling her son's thick head of dark hair. And, as if on cue, a foot rolled across her stomach beneath a shirt already stretched tight.
"See, he's ready. Dad's been saying you're gonna pop any day now."
"Oh really, and just when has he been saying that?"
"Every time you get up to go pee," he giggled before grabbing a baseball cap from his desk and heading out the door.
"Hey, this kid takes up a lot of space inside. There's no room for my bladder…." She said aloud to an empty room. Thane was already disappeared down the stairs and she could hear Kaidan's laughter floating up from the kitchen.
It would hit her at the oddest times. A melancholy that came on and settled around her heart. It shouldn't matter anymore. He'd been gone for years. She'd made a life. She'd decided to live, married Kaidan, created new life…
It shouldn't matter… but sometimes… oh, sometimes she just missed him so much. A small sob escaped her as she looked around her son's room. A son she'd named after the missing part of her soul. It was a wound that never healed. It was always a raw ache that she kept pushed way down deep inside.
She loved Kaiden. She really did. And he'd been so good to her, accepting only what she was able to give and never demanding more. Over the years since the Reaper Wars, he'd been her rock, a safe place to hide when the world became too much…
When she'd regained consciousness after… after what? A conversation with a child god? Some kind of advanced AI? What the hell had that been?... Today it still felt like a dream, a nightmare she'd been unable to wake from.
She'd never expected to make it out of that fight alive. In fact, she'd embraced the idea of death, anticipated it even. He was waiting for her. All she had to do was cross the sea to the other side… It's what she'd wanted, what she'd fought so hard for. To be at his side again… Lost in memories she didn't hear Kaidan come up the stairs.
"Hey, you ok?" he asked, moving quickly to wrap his arms around her and pull her safely into his embrace.
"Oh, you know me…" she tried to smile through the storm of tears that threatened to engulf her. "Baby hormones always make me a mess," she lied. They both knew it was a lie, but there were some things they'd already made peace with.
And that was what she really loved about the man holding her tightly at this moment, the man that had accepted her as she was…
She'd been broken, utterly and completely broken. Her heart had been ripped open when Thane Krios died. Her soul would never be whole again. Even with the love of the amazing man holding her, there was a part of her that would always and forever belong to the drell she'd loved…
But Kaidan had made good on his promise. He'd been there for her through everything. He'd been there for her through surgeries too numerous to count, through learning to walk again, through learning to live again…
And love again…
Now Vera knew what Thane had meant about still being in love with his dead wife, and also in love with her. She would forever love Thane Krios, the drell who had been the other half of her soul. And even though he was gone, she carried a part of him in her heart. A heart Kaidan had helped heal. A heart that was big enough to love two men…
She pushed her face into the crook of his neck and inhaled the scent that was part coffee, part sunshine, and all Kaidan. Between them the new life inside her decided to roll over, a hard, tiny butt moving under the skin and shirt stretched tight across her belly.
"I think someone's getting pretty tired of being cooped up in that tiny space," he smiled into the hair on the top of her head.
"Tiny space? I'm as big as a house. And my ankles are swollen, and I can't even see my feet…" she hiccupped before pulling back, a trembling smile on her lips.
"When we get back I'll rub your feet and ankles. And, I'll even paint your toenails. Ten different colors if you want," he added with a soft smile, continuing to hold her close and rub her back.
"Sometimes I don't know why you put up with me. I'm such an emotional mess…" She smiled and sniffled, tears just a moment away from spilling down her cheeks. Closing her eyes tightly she burrowed her face back under his chin, calming little by little.
Kaidan just held her. He'd pushed her away once before, but never again. Never again would he judge her for something she had no control over. Never again would he question her reasons.
No matter what had happened before, she was here with him now. She hadn't had a lot of choice when dealing with the events that lead to the Reaper Wars. She hadn't had any choice when it came to loosing those close to her in the war. She'd died once and been given no choice when Cerberus brought her back to life. It had been her choice to sacrifice herself to save the galaxy. The assassin was waiting for her across the sea… But fate was a cruel bitch sometimes, and even that choice had been taken out of her hands.
But, when she finally did have a choice, when she could have so easily chosen to just give up, she chose to stay with him… and that was all that really mattered…
An excited five-year-old's voice drifted up the stairwell telling them to stop making out and hurry up, and he felt her stir within his embrace. He held her closer and thanked every God he could name that she was alive, warm and safe within the circle of his arms, their unborn child nestled beneath her beating heart, a firstborn son waiting downstairs, eager to go to Chuck E Cheese for bad pizza...
…yes… the past was always there, but now, today… this was what really mattered…