Title: Closure
Word count: 4,165
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Two years after Blair moves to Monaco, Dan is ready to finally have some closure.
Author's notes: This is much angstier than my usual fare. I'm not really sure where this came from, but random scenes just kept running through my head. I also sincerely apologize for the huge cliché at the end. Please forgive me.
"Congratulations, graduate," Blair said. Dan smiled into the webcam in response.
"Thanks," Dan said. "I'm doing my part to help the Constance/St. Jude's college graduation statistics."
"It's just NYU," Blair scoffed. "They only care about their Ivy League statistics."
"I guess I'll have to try and be relevant in grad school," Dan conceded.
"Grad school? Is that what all the trust fund babies do these days after their Eat Pray Love trips around the world?"
"I'll have you know, Princess,that I haven't touched my trust fund," Dan said. "I actually earned the money that I live off of."
"And how much of the advance for your second book will be left when you get back?"
There was a pause, and Dan looked at the computer screen to see the smirk that he knew was going to be on Blair's face.
"Point taken," Dan said sheepishly. "It's possible should my writer's block continue that grad school will be a trust funded endeavor."
"I'm glad that your self-righteousness is slowly turning into self-awareness," Blair said. "On that note, your gift should be arriving shortly. It was a struggle to shop for the boy who has everything yet claims to want nothing."
"Is it a pony?"
Blair rolled her eyes and ignored him, though she couldn't hold back her grin completely. These were the moments that made Dan happy they had made the switch from the phone to video chat.
Blair's face turned serious and she cleared her throat. "So, how's Serena?"
"She's good," Dan said. "She got in two days ago. I've barely seen her as she's been caught up in a whirlwind of shopping, but we're going out with Nate tonight after the family celebratory dinner."
"So how many times has Lily made passive aggressive digs at Serena's lack of education under the guise of congratulating you?"
"Approximately 1.5 per hour," Dan said. "'Daniel, I am just so proud of you. I hope sometime this decade we'll get to attend Serena's college graduation,'" Dan mimicked.
Blair laughed. "I imagine Eleanor would be saying similar things," Blair said with a sigh. "I'm sure someday Columbia will give me an honorary degree."
"And who was just making fun of my trust fund lifestyle?"
"Honorary degrees are given to important people, Humphrey," Blair said. "Your trust fund signifies that you're sponging off the fact that your father married rich."
Dan just laughed as he always did when Blair insulted him. "Well, on that note I have to go," Dan said. "Jenny will be here in about 15 minutes, and I need to be there to ease the continued awkward tension between Serena and her."
"You have fun with that," Blair said. "Tell Nate and Serena hi for me." Blair looked wistful for a moment, like she wanted to say something more.
When she didn't say anything, Dan spoke again. "Will do, Waldorf," Dan said. "Wish you were here."
Blair smiled sadly. "Me too. I miss...all of you."
With that, Dan's computer went blank. Dan wistfully stared at the screen for a moment, then shook it off as he did every week after he and Blair spoke. He heard a throat clear behind him.
"So, that's still going on?" Eric said, his head shaking. "You promised me a year ago that you were going to quit out of self-preservation."
"I guess I'm just a masochist," Dan sighed. "I suppose I was also naïve to think that I would have any privacy around here."
"Nope, not when you have nosy younger siblings around," Eric said and gave him a friendly slap on the back. Dan couldn't help but smile. He liked having a younger brother, even if he was intuitive and kind of nosy. He supposed that went with the younger brother territory.
"You're not going to tell any other nosy siblings about this, right?" Dan asked.
"Your sad crush on Blair Waldorf is a secret that I will continue to keep to my grave," Eric promised him.
"We're just friends," Dan said defensively. Eric just gave him a look. Dan wondered why he even bothered trying to lie to Eric. He was often amazed at just how pathetic he was.
After a polite family dinner, everyone went their separate ways. Lily had some engagement she dragged Rufus to, and Eric and Jenny went out for drinks to catch up. This left Dan and Serena alone together a half hour before they were supposed to go meet Nate.
They sat in the living room in awkward silence. While they occasionally spoke on the phone, usually as a birthday greeting or when there was some specific information to impart, they hadn't carried on too many conversations since Serena's move to California. They had mostly exchanged pleasantries and small talk since Serena had been back in town, generally with the family around the whole time. This was the first time they had been alone together since she'd been back.
"So, your trip sounds amazing," Serena said, breaking the ice.
"I'm looking forward to it," Dan said. "I've always wanted to travel, and this is the first time I've really had the means and the opportunity."
"I'm happy for you. You deserve it," Serena said.
"Thank you," Dan said sincerely. "Honestly, you're part of my inspiration for doing this."
"Really?" Serena said smiling, visibly touched.
"Despite the not-so-subtle digs Lily has given out, I really admire you for staying in California and doing what makes you happy," Dan said. "That's really brave."
"Thanks," Serena said almost shyly. "That means a lot coming from you."
There was a silence again, this one more comfortable. Serena hesitated before she spoke again.
"So, does this trip of yours include a stop in France?" she asked pointedly.
"Yeah, I thought I'd go check out Blair's royal life," Dan said lightly. "How often do you score an invite to stay in an actual palace?"
Serena gave him a sad look. "Do you really think that's a good idea?" she asked softly.
Dan looked closely at Serena's face, trying to gauge both how much she knew and what her feelings were on the subject. He opted to play dumb.
"Why not? Have you seen the pictures of Louis's sister?"
"Dan," Serena said, almost scolding. "Nate has told me...some things."
Dan's heart dropped. "Oh," he said. "What things has he told you precisely?" Dan couldn't keep the irritation out of his tone.
"Don't be mad at him," Serena said. "Nate was just worried about you. He said you talk to Blair at least once a week, and that you e-mail her a lot."
Dan shrugged. "We're friends. Friends communicate with each other," Dan said. "I'm sorry if it bothers you that you and I don't talk more."
"Now you sound like Blair," Serena said with a dry laugh. "I'm not jealous, I'm just worried. Nate told me that your last two girlfriends dumped you when you refused to stop talking to Blair."
"That had nothing to do with Blair. They were trying to control me, just like Vanessa," Dan protested. "There's nothing going on between Blair and me. I haven't seen her in person in over a year."
"I know you and Blair don't consider me to be your intellectual equal, but I'm not stupid, Dan," Serena said tersely.
"Now that sounded jealous," Dan pointed out. He lightly nudged her with his shoulder and grinned at her. He raised his eyebrows and made eye contact until she broke down and grinned back.
"Stop," she giggled. "You're kind of proving my point by trying to distract me from this serious conversation with that charming smile of yours."
"I don't think you're stupid, Serena," Dan said earnestly, knowing this was a sore spot. "I could never fall in love with someone whose intellect I didn't respect."
Dan saw Serena's eyes tear up, and then Serena leaned in and tentatively kissed him. Dan felt a familiar warmth spread through him, and he kissed her back. He knew it was a terrible idea, but he couldn't quite bring himself to stop, even when Serena's mouth opened beneath his and they deepened the kiss. For a few moments, Dan just quit thinking and let himself feel.
He was jarred back to reality when he felt Serena start to unbuckle his belt. He pulled back, breathing heavily. Serena instantly looked sheepish.
"While I have no doubt what we were about to do would have felt amazing," Dan said, "I also have a feeling that it wouldn't be worth not being able to look each other or Nate in the eye all night."
"I'm sorry," Serena said. "I just got caught up in the moment."
"Please, don't apologize," Dan said. "As a wise person told me years ago, this has never been our problem." Dan gave her a light kiss on the lips to reassure her that they were okay.
"No, it hasn't," Serena said longingly. "Now, amongst our other problems, you're in love with my best friend. Does Blair have any idea how you feel?"
"Yeah, she knows," Dan said with a bitter laugh. "But she's Blair, so she just pretends to have no idea because she needs me when she gets lonely."
"Dan..." Serena started to say something, before Dan stood up and interrupted her.
"It's about time we met Nate. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get drunk."
The fact that Blair knew how he felt made Dan feel all the more pathetic, and he often replayed the scene in his head, wondering if there was something he could have done differently. Each time he came to the conclusion that no matter what he had said or done, nothing would have changed. He wasn't sure if this conclusion helped or not.
Almost two years before, Blair had returned from her trip to Monaco to plan her wedding. He and Blair had grown closer over the summer. It began under the pretense of watching movies together, but they had quickly decided it made more sense to watch movies on their own time and discuss them later rather than talking their way through Dan's Netflix queue. Long before they had made it through the queue, they abandoned the pretense completely and would spend every Wednesday night talking on the phone, alternating who was inconvenienced by the time change.
Dan didn't know if was their newfound closeness or the fact that he was the only person in the city, but somehow Dan had taken on the role of her gay best friend for wedding planning purposes. Dan was pretty sure he wasn't well cast in the role.
While he admittedly enjoyed sampling some of the foods and wines, his eyes would always glaze over when anything involving flowers or place settings were involved. Even though Dan had been to dozens of grand events at this point, he had never realized how tedious the planning process was. It didn't help that each time he expressed an opinion, Blair would then decide to choose the opposite.
Dan found himself confused when they entered a bridal salon. He thought her mother was designing her dress.
"Of course my mother is designing my dress," Blair explained. "We're here to look at accessories."
"Wouldn't you want the dress first?" Dan asked, though frankly he really didn't know.
"Normally," Blair sighed. "Apparently, designing my dress is the most difficult challenge of my mother's professional career. I don't know why. I told her I wanted something simple, elegant and sophisticated yet over the top and befitting a princess. Of course, I wanted the dress to be memorable without overshadowing the bride."
"And she didn't think that was clear enough?" Dan asked sarcastically.
"Well, the woman has known me my whole life. You'd think she'd know what I want," she huffed. Dan saw a slight look of hurt flicker over her face.
"I'm sure it's just hard for her because she wants it to be perfect. It's probably the most meaningful thing she's ever designed," Dan said reassuringly.
"Thanks, Humphrey," Blair said before taking a breath and collecting herself. "Anyhow, we're here today to pick out some accessories. My mother said she'd try to use them as inspiration for the dress."
Dan and Blair were seated on some couches, and an employee brought them a bottle of champagne.
A bridal consultant approached them with a stack of books which she placed in front of Blair. Dan half-heartedly looked over her shoulder as his mind drifted off.
Looking at the veils, he was struck by the mental image of Louis slowly lifting up her veil, Blair beaming into her groom's eyes as she promised him her future. Dan felt a pang in his chest, and an overwhelming sadness. For some reason, it hadn't quite hit him before now. This wasn't make believe. It was very, very real. Not only was Blair getting married, but she would be leaving New York for good.
"I have to go," Dan said as he stood up abruptly, unthinkingly grabbing the bottle of champagne. His flight instinct took him to the nearest exit door, and he dazedly walked down a flight of stairs only to find he had reached the emergency exit. For a moment he considered setting off the alarm and making a run for it, but he figured that would only make things worse when Blair inevitably caught up with him at some point. Instead, he slumped to the ground, champagne bottle in hand.
He popped open the bottle and took a long swig. He decided to wait for thirty minutes before he would emerge. He figured if Blair wanted to find him, she'd find him in a half hour. If she didn't want to find him, the appointment would hopefully be over by then and he could slink out unnoticed. He wasn't entirely sure which option he preferred.
Twenty minutes and a third of the bottle of champagne later, Dan heard a door open and footsteps come down the stairs. He braced himself for what he knew was coming.
"The next time you decide to unexpectedly flee, it would be advisable to use the front door," he heard Blair say as she stood above him, looking down. "Fleeing to the emergency exit is just embarrassing."
"Not my proudest moment," Dan admitted.
"Probably not your worst either," Blair said. Surprisingly, she didn't sound angry. "If the wedding planning was boring you so much that you couldn't take it any more, why didn't you just stop coming?"
"It's not that," Dan said. "Well, it was partly that. I have no idea why you chose me to pick out invitations or shop for your registry, but that's not why I had to leave."
"So why did you? Clearly you had nowhere else you needed to be, considering you've just been moping in a stairwell for the past twenty minutes."
Dan sighed. "You may want to sit down for this."
Blair looked at the floor, apparently trying to survey just how dirty it was. After a moment, she did as he requested and slid down next to him.
"I know this will sound stupid," Dan began, "but it hit me all at once that you'll be leaving for good. And I'll miss you."
Dan couldn't quite read the look that crossed her face, but she still didn't seem angry, so he decided to forge ahead.
"I lied to you," Dan said abruptly.
"About what?"
"About our kiss, when I said it meant nothing. It meant something to me. Did you really think I was stupid enough to think there was an up-and-comers section of the Modern Royalty photo shoot? I dressed up in that suit because I thought you wanted me there. As it turned out, you wanted Chuck," Dan said bitterly.
A wave of emotion crossed Blair's face, and she responded with a strangled, "What?"
Dan sighed. "At the time, I just knew I felt something more and I wanted to see where it went. When you said you wanted Chuck, I tried to step back, figuring we could remain friends and maybe something would happen someday. When you got engaged to Louis, I knew I didn't stand a chance. But apparently I am some blend of masochistic and pathetic, because I continued to be your friend even though I was falling for you," Dan said sadly, looking anywhere but at Blair.
"Why are you telling me this?" Blair asked. He could hear the tears in her voice, but he still couldn't bring himself to look at her.
"I just couldn't take it anymore," Dan explained and then finally looked at her, meeting her eyes. "I realized I had to tell you how I felt, even if it didn't change anything. At least now you know."
Dan could tell the instant that Blair recognized his words, because she looked away from his gaze and wiped away a stray tear. She looked down at her hands before speaking again. "I don't know what to say," Blair said.
"I just need to know something, Blair," Dan said. "I know it's pathetic how I've been pining over you. I know you're engaged to a prince. But I just need to know if I'm crazy. When we kissed, did you feel something too? I've gone back over it in my head a thousand times, and I'm pretty sure you did. But it's also possible that I'm just crazy and believed what I wanted to believe."
She didn't speak or look in his direction. He turned toward her and gently cupped her chin, forcing her to look at him. Without thinking, he leaned in and kissed her softly. She was startled at first, but she eventually responded, her mouth opening up under his. After a moment, he slowly pulled back, gauging her reaction.
After taking a moment to catch her breath, she looked him in the eye. "You're not crazy," she said softly, and then continued before the words could sink in. "I did feel something then, and I felt something just now. But I can't let it mean something, because then I'd be the crazy one."
With that, Blair stood up and raced up the stairs, leaving Dan alone with the champagne bottle.
Dan and Serena found Nate at the bar, already flirting with a girl. When he saw the two of them, he abruptly blew off the girl and waved them over to his table. The girl just shrugged and walked away.
"Hey guys," Nate said. "Can you believe you're the first of us graduating?"
Dan laughed. "Dude, if you'd stop switching majors you'd be done by now," Dan reminded him. "What's your current major again?"
"You know that I'm majoring in philosophy," Nate pouted. "You just like to make me say it so you can laugh."
"I'm not laughing at you, really," Dan said laughingly. "I still just can't quite believe that Nate Archibald found his calling from Plato and Aristotle."
"Lay off," Serena said. "Nate is one of the most rational people I know."
Dan tilted his head appraisingly. "You do have a point," Dan said. "I hear it's an excellent major for future lawyers."
"Stop sounding like my grandfather," Nate said. "Anyhow, tonight is about the graduate. First round on me!"
After the first couple of drinks, Dan began to relax and have fun with his friends. After a few more drinks, the mood switched to a more somber tone.
"I can't believe Blair Waldorf of all people is never going to have a college degree," Dan said sadly.
Nate and Serena exchanged a look, which Dan noticed. "I see you guys pitying me. It's really not necessary," Dan told them. "You should pity Blair. She's the one all alone half the time, even though she's a princess."
"No one thinks you need pity," Serena said carefully. "Maybe it's just time for you to move on. You should see graduation and this trip as a new beginning."
"You're right," Dan agreed. "I do need to move on. First, I need closure."
With a flourish, Dan whipped out his phone. Nate and Serena gaped at him like they were staring at a trainwreck, unable to look away or try and stop him.
"Blair!" he said enthusiastically when she answered.
"Are you drunk?" Blair asked in an exasperated tone.
"Of course I'm drunk. Why else would I call you at 2 am if I weren't drunk dialing?"
"Well, some of us are actually just beginning our day," Blair reminded him.
Dan felt a bit of the wind get knocked out of his sails. It felt strange to drunk dial someone over their morning coffee.
"I think you're my Chuck," Dan blurted.
"What are you rambling about, Humphrey?" Blair snapped.
"You're my Chuck," he repeated. "You're the person who keeps drawing me back in so that I can't move on with my life. So that's why I'm running away, just like you did. Except without the royal wedding part."
"Why don't you hang up now and have Nate take you home? Hopefully you won't remember this call in the morning," Blair told him. "I'll try my best to forget it too."
"Fuck that," Dan said. "You'd just love to forget it, I'm sure, and continue on once again like you don't know anything about my feelings. Serena's right; it's time that I move on. I just wish I weren't so fucking pathetic that I've spent over two years hung up on someone who clearly never gave a shit about me."
Dan was about to hang up with the last word, but Blair was quick in her rebuttal.
"So, Serena told you to move on, huh?" Blair said. "Did Serena tell you that she talked me out of leaving Louis the night before my wedding? Did she tell you the part about how I asked her what would happen if you and I got together, and she told me she wouldn't be mad, but that she didn't think that our friendship would ever be the same again?"
"No, she did not tell me that," Dan said coldly. Dan glared at Serena, who looked confused by his sudden anger toward her.
"It's just as well. I was just having cold feet, and we know that you'll never be over Serena," Blair said. "I bet you guys have already hooked up since she's been back in town."
"You know what? I've said what I wanted to say. I just wanted some closure so I could move on," Dan said angrily, feeling ashamed that Blair was at least sort of right.
"Closure on what? A few meaningless kisses that always resulted in me ending up wanting to be with another man?"
"You're right," Dan said bitterly. "I guess I just wanted to say that I'm done. I hope you and Louis have a lovely life together."
With that, Dan hung up, momentarily feeling satisfied for getting the last word in. He then noticed the appalled looks on Nate and Serena's faces.
"Dude, what was that?" Nate asked.
"Closure, like I said," Dan said defensively.
"You couldn't have done that without trying to hurt Blair?" Serena asked.
"You're one to talk about hurting people," Dan scoffed.
"What?" Serena looked confused.
"Blair told me about the night before her wedding."
A look of realization washed over Serena's face. "Dan, I'm sorry, I was just telling her the truth."
"So, Serena, tell me something," Dan said in a level voice, his glare being the only indicator of his anger. "Since you moved to California and Blair moved to Monaco, have things been the same between you?"
"No," Serena said softly as she looked down at the floor.
"Did you really think they would? Maybe you just needed to grow the hell up and realize that people change, and that real friends will remain friends even as relationships shift," Dan said. "Did it ever occur to you that Blair and I as a couple would still be there for you no matter what? If anything, wouldn't two of your closest friends being together make it easier for you as we all go our separate ways?"
"I didn't think about it like that," Serena admitted, tears beginning to fall. "I've grown up a lot since then. At the time, I just felt left out and sad. I felt like an outsider in my own life."
Serena then ran out of the bar, and Nate shot him a look that seemed to say Are you happy now?
Nate threw a few bills on the table and ran off after Serena. Feeling guilty, Dan followed close behind.
When they reached the outside, Dan spotted Serena entering the street, oblivious to her surroundings. When he reached the edge of the sidewalk, Dan spotted a car heading straight toward Serena. Without thinking, Dan ran after her, distantly wondering if Serena would ever look before she leapt. Nate's voice from the sidewalk was the last thing Dan heard before everything went black.