Visitation Rights
By: firefly
Note: this was originally supposed to be a oneshot addition to my collection "Crack Whims," but it got way too long and I've decided it's too much fun to keep short. Expect this to be a couple of chapters or more, depending on where I decide to take it. Also expect this to make very little sense and be supremely cracky. Forgive the shortness of the first chapter; the next one will definitely be longer. Enjoy, and reviews are always love!
Visitation Rights ch.1
Ino had always counted herself as one of the lucky few in her generation to go through life with two loving parents, a great genin team, good looks, and a complete and utter lack of family drama.
She was remarkably normal compared to most shinobi, and that was something she was proud of. At least, she had been until the day news came regarding the capture and immobilization of a certain missing-nin.
Of course, the matter had been of no concern to the Yamanaka family until Inoichi had been called on to probe the captive's brain for information regarding the Akatsuki's whereabouts. In the desire to watch her father work and learn from him, Ino accompanied him to the specialized interrogative holding cells.
The building was surrounded by concrete walls and electric fences, not to mention monitored every five feet by cameras and security checkpoints. She stayed close as Inoichi passed through the halls and to the holding cells, where Ibiki handed him a folder and briefed him about the captive.
Inoichi let out a low whistle. "Sounds like a doozy. Where is he?"
"In Cell X," Ibiki said grimly. "He had a bunch of body modifications we needed to incapacitate before letting you down here. The guy was literally a walking time bomb."
"Hmm, and only nineteen, huh?" Inoichi mused, looking over the file. "Well, let's meet our little bomb-happy friend."
When Ibiki led them down the hall and into the cell, Ino found herself facing a sheet of glass separating them from the prisoner.
At first she thought she was standing on the wrong side of a two-way mirror, staring at her own reflection and wondering when the hell she'd gotten so tan. But then the reflection raised its head and it suddenly occurred to her that it was in fact a young man wearing a straitjacket.
Before he or she could muster a reaction, Inoichi stepped into the cell, took one look at its occupant and immediately let out a choked cry.
"What's wrong?" Ibiki demanded, rushing to his side when he suddenly collapsed to his knees. "Damn it, I didn't think he could use genjutsu—"
"Dad, are you okay?" Ino cried, alarmed by the way every ounce of blood seemed to drain out of her father's face.
"No," Inoichi said hoarsely, grabbing Ibiki's arm to stop him getting help. "It's not that. It's..." He swallowed hard and seemed to compose himself. "Did you do a physical? Blood test?"
"Yes," Ibiki said, sounding somewhat bewildered now. "Why?"
"Is he originally from Iwagakure?"
"It says that in his file, Yamanaka. What's wrong with you?"
Inoichi stared at him, face completely devoid of colour. "...I need you to run a paternity test."
Ibiki and Ino both stared at him incredulously.
"Why the hell would you want me to do that?" the interrogator demanded.
"Because," Inoichi said, voice practically a whimper. "I think he's my son."
That had been ten days ago. It had taken the same amount of time and a weeping Inoichi threatening to kill himself to convince Ino's mother to stay after the results had been confirmed.
If it wasn't shocking enough to learn that you had a long-lost half-brother who happened to be a psychotic terrorist, the fact that Inoichi had kept this secret for twenty years had been the icing on the cake.
"I didn't know he'd turn out like this!" Inoichi wailed in the hokage's office, prostrating himself before his family and a stunned Ibiki and Tsunade. "It was my first mission in Iwagakure. I was only twenty years old and my team and I got drunk in a pub and...there was this woman...it was a foolish thing to do, I admit, but it was before I was even married!
"I left the next day...and I got a telegram from her a few days later telling me she was pregnant, but there was nothing I could do. Once she had him, I sent her a child support cheque every month for four years...and then I got a message telling me she died." He gestured weakly. "After that, I met my wife and had Ino. I only recognized him because she used to send me pictures."
"...well," Tsunade said blankly after a moment's shocked silence, glancing sheepishly at his weeping wife and pale-faced daughter. "Having a citizen directly related to an S-class missing-nin from another village is...unprecedented. The standard procedure for this kind of case is archaic and it hasn't changed since it was established. So until the council decides to implement a new law, we're going to have to go by this..."
Tsunade lifted an ancient-looking scroll for them to see and unfurled it over the surface of her desk.
"Oh, and Yamanaka, you can stop grovelling."
Inoichi gratefully rose to his feet and rejoined his family as Tsunade read through the scroll. By the time she was finished, there was a visible twitch in her eye and she'd uncorked a bottle of sake in plain sight.
"I'm not going to mince words," she said flatly after taking a swig from the bottle. "It says that, due to blood ties and in the effort to maintain Konoha's shinobi population, the prisoner is not to be harmed until he completes a behaviour rehabilitation program."
"What?" Ibiki roared in outrage. "What kind of bullshit law is that?"
Tsunade scowled heavily and peered into her sake bottle. "It was made soon after the village was created. The shinobi population was scarce at the time, so the leaders avoided killing men stemming from their own village, even if they were traitors or missing-nin. It's ridiculous to think you can brainwash someone into rejoining the village, but what can I say?" She shrugged. "They were optimistic back then."
"How does this program work?" Ino suddenly stammered.
Tsunade smiled humourlessly. "Genjutsu, hypnosis, altering brain waves, or, if all else fails, invasive neural alteration. AKA a lobotomy." She paused. "Oh, and mandatory familial visitation."
"What?" Ino's mother screamed.
"At least one family member must spend three hours a week with the prisoner in question," Tsunade read out loud. "In the effort to appeal to the captive through familial bonds."
"But there are no familial bonds!" Inoichi cried, looking stricken as his wife stormed out of the office. "We don't even know him!"
"Either way, Yamanaka, it's the law," Tsunade said tiredly, slapping the scroll closed. "Know him or not, at least one of you two has to commit until the program is completed. If there's no improvement in behaviour by the end of the program, then he'll be executed."
"But I can't!" Inoichi wailed, fisting his fingers into his hair. "My wife will leave me! Do you know I had to threaten to kill myself just to convince her to stay? There's no way I can—"
"Dad!" Ino exclaimed. "Get a grip! I'll do it."
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "You are aware that this program is doomed to fail? Even more so because the little punk has trained himself to counter genjutsu."
Ino bit her lip before taking a look at her trembling father and nodding. "I understand."
"Fine," Tsunade said with a sigh, dismissing them with a wave of her hand. "You'll get a summons when the time comes."
Three days later, Ino found herself standing in front of Cell X with an ANBU member by her side, shivering slightly and feeling a lot less confident as she entered the cell alone.
It was mind-boggling to see him again, this time with a perfectly good reason in mind to explain their striking resemblance. When he looked up and saw her, the expression on his face told her he must have been thinking the same thing.
"So," Ino said coldly, crossing her arms and raising her head imperiously. "I guess they told you?"
"Naturally," he said with a sneer. "Who knew I'd be having a family reunion in an interrogation cell."
"Yeah, well, we're not exactly thrilled with the circumstances, either," Ino groused. "It's bad enough I have to acknowledge you as my br—...my relative, so let's just keep it business, all right?"
"You say that like I want to get to know you. You and your family are below me, un."
"I'd be offended if you weren't already wrapped in a straitjacket," she retorted. With that, she brought out the folding chair she'd had tucked under her arm and plopped it down in the centre of the room. Then she took a seat, glanced at her watch, and sat in tense silence.
They stared at each other for a few seconds, eyes narrowed and mouths stubbornly sealed shut. Ino's eyes watered but she refused to blink and break the stare, digging her nails into her arm. In an effort to distract herself, she allowed her eyes to drift slightly to take in the rest of his appearance.
It irked her to see he had practically the same hairstyle but on the reverse side. That, and his hair was a much darker, yellower shade of blonde. He had a similar facial shape and delicate features, but his eyes were strikingly different, more almond-shaped and vividly coloured. His pupils were also unnaturally large.
As if he'd read her mind, he suddenly spoke. "They drugged me."
"So?" she snapped, irritated that he'd noticed her examining him.
"Just keep it in mind, in case anything I say or do comes off as even remotely friendly, un. It's the drugs talking."
"Don't worry; I'm counting on this 'program' being a miserable failure anyway."
"So am I, but only because I'll blow you all sky high with my art before it's over."
Ino opened her mouth to retort, but then gave him a bewildered look. "Art?"
His tone was still acerbic, but his eyes gleamed visibly when he spoke. "Yeah, my art. It's probably beyond the scope of your appreciation, though. As if you know anything about art."
Ino scowled. "If you call blowing shit up art, then it's beyond the scope of anyone. Anyone sane, that is. And I'll have you know ikebana is a perfectly accepted and sophisticated art form, and one that I'm the best at."
"Ikebana?" he repeated, blinking. "Flower arrangement?"
"Duh."
He went silent and regarded her contemplatively. She found herself growing uncomfortable beneath his scrutiny and glanced once more at her watch.
A few minutes passed and she felt her head droop in boredom. Shizune had prepared a list of things to help her facilitate a meaningful conversation, but she didn't want to give him the impression of actually being interested in getting to know him. At the same time, she couldn't think of anything to say and dreaded the idea of passing the next fifty minutes in silence.
Pursing her lips, she glanced at the clipboard in her bag and decided giving it a look wouldn't hurt. She deliberately made an effort to pull the clipboard out in plain sight and read it over with what she hoped was a disdainful expression.
Since she had no prior relationship with the captive, Shizune had written out the questions in a way to serve as a basic introduction to each other.
"Hello, Deidara," Ino read dully. "My name is Ino. How are you doing today?"
She didn't look up when he replied, but the amused scorn was evident in his voice. "Just peachy, un."
"Tell me a little about yourself," Ino continued flatly. "What is your favourite colour?"
"What the hell kind of question is that to ask an artist? That's like asking a musician what his favourite note is."
Ino stared at him in disbelief. "Are you taking this seriously?"
"It's better than just sitting here staring at you."
Ino glared. "So you expect me to actually read through this crap and pretend that I actually care about your answers?"
"That's why you're here, isn't it?" he sneered.
She clenched her fists. "I'm not here to listen to you feed your own ego for a whole hour, so if we're going to play this stupid game, I think it's fair if I have my turn."
Before he could reply, she cleared her throat and sat up straighter, affecting a fake, sweet tone as she read on. "That's so interesting, nii-san. Can I call you nii-san? Thanks. My favourite colour is purple, but sometimes I also really like blue. Now tell me, what is your favourite food?"
When he didn't answer, she glanced up to see him glaring at her through his bangs. "Don't you dare patronize me, un."
"What's wrong?" Ino replied in a saccharine voice. "Don't want to answer? Fine, we'll just spend the rest of the hour talking about me, then. I think it's important you get to know your little sister."
"I don't give a crap about—"
"Oh, what's my favourite food? Thank you for asking. It's pudding! And I know, it's dreadful for the hips, but what can I say, I have a sweet tooth. Next question: what are your hobbies?"
"If you don't shut up—"
"Shy, are we? Well, I'll just answer for you. I love ikebana and shopping, and taking care of my hair. Sometimes I like booking a whole day at the spa; it's a great way to relax and those mud baths are amazing for the skin. What is your favourite season? Well, I'd say it's a toss-up between—"
"Fall!" Deidara suddenly bellowed. "Now shut up!"
Ino bared her teeth in a malicious grin, glad to see she was finally getting under his skin. Refusing to relent, she raised the clipboard and they continued in that fashion, with her reading the questions and him answering only for the sake of drowning out her own answers. The entire process, which was meant to help them familiarize each other, looked rather demented with the way they were abusing it.
By the end they were both on their feet and face to face at the glass wall, shouting their answers at the tops of their lungs.
"Cats or dogs?"
"Dogs!" he yelled at the same time she hollered, "cats!"
"Beaches or theme parks?"
"Beaches!" they blurted together, pausing just long enough to throw each other disgusted looks.
Ino tossed back her sweaty hair, snarling the next question.
"What is your horoscope?"
"Taurus! Libra!"
"Is the glass half empty or half full?"
"Half empty!" "Half full!"
"A product you can't live without?"
"Clay!" "Conditioner!"
"Favourite subject?"
"Art!" they screamed simultaneously at the same moment the ANBU member entered the room.
"What the...?" he said, startled, walking in to find the pair red-faced and gasping for breath. "What happened? Are you all right, Ino-san?"
"Fine," she barked in response, refusing to break her glare with Deidara. "Just fine. You can leave."
"I just came to tell you your time is up."
"What?" Ino blinked, turning away from the glass to look sceptically at the ANBU member. "Are you sure?"
"It's actually five past," he answered, bemused by her shocked expression. "I thought you would have left by now."
Against her will, Ino turned her head sharply to glance at Deidara, who had forced a stoic expression over his face that was betrayed by the twitching vein in his forehead.
Deflating, she ran a hand through her hair and cleared her throat, finding her voice slightly hoarse. "Um, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. I was just leaving."
Without a backwards glance, she stuffed the clipboard into her bag and ran out of the cell.