X STALKED BY MAVERICKS, ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS
There's just no pleasing people…By Baron Vince
TOKYO—The hunt is on for the famous Maverick Hunter, Mega Man X, who fled from Tokyo last night after receiving vehement death threats from Mavericks and animal rights activists.
"For years, we've let this Reploid wander about the world, slaughtering animal after animal in cold blood," said Kathryn Somerset, spokeswoman for PETA. "Mega Man X has fought in six wars, and each time he kills a whole slew of critters. For example, the first time out he killed a penguin. A penguin!!! Then he went on to kill an eagle, an armadillo, a chameleon, a beetle, a gorilla, an octopus, and even a MAMMOTH! Mammoths are extinct enough as it is without him going around killing the ones that DO manage to slip through the cracks!
"And it just doesn't end!" Somerset continues. "He took down an ostrich in its natural habitat. He murdered a gator swimming peacefully in its home. He slew a buffalo, he killed a poor little catfish…even a rhino, just so he could take the poor thing's horn to use as a weapon! And THEN X goes on to kill mythological creatures like a Pegasus and a phoenix! When does it stop? Where do we, as the protectors of the world's animals, draw the line? And to think we hail this man as a hero!" Somerset spat in the dirt to show her resolve.
"If X wants to go around killing animals, that's his business," said David Henderson, spokesman for Greenpeace. "It may be cruel, heartless, and despicable, but there are a lot of despicable people out there. Now, where we got mad was when he went and attacked the plant life. I mean, Jeez Louise, wasn't he satisfied with the animals? No, he had to go kick around a poor, helpless mushroom. YES! HE FOUGHT AND TORTURED A MUSHROOM WITH ELECTRICITY! Just the thought of the poor mushroom caught in the Lightning Web makes me heartsick." Henderson wiped a tear from his eye. "But this wasn't even the last time he did something like this. He went after a rose, in the very next uprising! He set that rose ablaze with a Grand Fire! This cannot be tolerated. We, as the protectors of the world's wildlife, will kill this madman before he can do any more harm."
Mavericks joined the activists in the attempt to find and destroy X, but their reasoning is a bit more simplistic.
"Ohhh we'll kill him, yes, precious, we'll kill him and make him die!" said a very giddy Vile, rubbing his hands together evilly. "We'll take out his arms and legs and switch them and then we'll take pictures and laugh! Oh yes, precious, kills him we will, and just because we wants to, and then the rest of those nasssty Hunterses."
"The last time I saw X he was sitting in a chair, shivering," said Dr. Cain, leader of the Hunters. "Then I turned my back for a minute and he was gone. I think he's still running for his life. It's a scary thing, having Greenpeace after you. And it didn't help that Zero kept laughing at him," the doctor finished waspishly.
ZERO HANDLED THAT PRETTY WELL
'Oops'.
By Baron Ziegfeld
TOKYO AGAIN—Any history book will tell you that Maverick Hunter Zero sacrificed his life in the first Maverick uprising to protect the life of Mega Man X, who went on to destroy Commander Sigma. For years this is the story widely believed by both sides to be the truth, but now Hunter Zero has come to Odessa with his side of the story at last in a truthful, heartfelt, alcohol induced confession.
"Okay, so I was just sitting there, right?" Zero began, referring to his imprisonment in the small, flimsy cage near Vile's ride armor. "And I was thinking, 'Jesus, Zero, you're a big miserable failure. You fought for what, five seconds before he kicked your ass? And here you told X you would handle Vile! X is gonna come through that door, and MAN is it gonna be embarrassing.'
"And it was embarrassing," Zero goes on. "Cause X was just looking at me like 'Man, I thought you were supposed to be like, the Kickass God Of the Earth. But you can't even beat this Behemoth From Hell!' But I ignored the implied insult for two reasons: one, I knew very well that no, I could not beat this Behemoth From Hell, and two, I knew that in a few minutes X would be getting his own ass kicked by the Behemoth From Hell, and I figured I could wait to laugh at him till then.
"So the ass-kicking started, and Vile's all laughing, and X is all screaming, and the novelty wore off on me, so I wasn't laughing anymore. Now I wanna get out of here and help. So I'm slamming against the sides of the cage, electrocuting myself, crying out in frustration, you know, the works. So then, I decide to charge my blaster to its limit and see if I couldn't maybe shoot Vile from in this cage.
"It was a good idea at the time," Zero goes on, somewhat sheepishly. "But see, I sorta forgot about it. Vile came stomping back by me and he was gonna charge X for the kill. I'd tried everything to get out of this cage, and then it just hit me: 'Dude,' it said, 'Why don't you just stand up?' So I did. The cage broke, and I was like 'WOO HOO!' And I hopped on the back of the carrier and I was bashing Vile upside the head, and his ride armor was bucking and flailing like I was riding a bull, but I held on, and decided that I should probably shoot Vile in the back of the head and get it over with. Now, I wanted to be sure I killed him, so I went and…charged my buster.
"See, all this time, my buster had still been charging." Zero turned beet red at this point. "Soooo yeah, it didn't respond well to this extra charging, and kaboom I went. So then I was just laying there, staring up at the sky, thinking 'Did I just DO that?!' I tell ya, you do not know embarrassment until you realize that you've just accidentally blown the lower part of your body to atoms.
"So here I am, Half-Zero, laying there bleeding, thinking 'Man, X is gonna start laughing at me and not stop.' I couldn't have that, though I did have the perfect line. I was gonna look at him all forlorn and say 'Oops'."
"But," Zero got a shrewd look on his face, "I'm an ingenious little stinker, and I know my way around a cover up! I noticed that I'd blown Vile's carrier to bits, so when X rushed over I went into Darth Vader mode and said 'X…I've taken too much damage…autorepair systems can't handle it.' You know, in that scratchy, raspy, this-close-to-deadness tone? 'Sigma is stronger than he appears to be,' I go on. 'You're gonna need an edge.' So I give him my buster, which remarkably did NOT get vaporized. I figured, as long as I got that thing away from me, no one would suspect that I blew myself up like a dumbass rookie. And so it was! I handled that pretty well, I think. X went off and spanked Sigma and I was remembered as the hero who sacrificed his life for X. Thank GOD for that boy's naiveté. Hey, wait," he said, concern working its way into his voice. "This was off the record, right? RIGHT? Oh, Jesus Christ…"
MAVERICKS RETURN TO DALLAS
Sigma's triumphant NBA comeback.
By Kou Cao
DALLAS, TX—After years of playing abroad, the Mavericks finally returned to their home court in Dallas for the next season of NBA basketball.
For years the Mavericks had played around the globe in places like Tokyo, New York, Russia, etc. It was argued that the team had "lost the spirit of the game" when they began destroying buildings and slaughtering random humans. They were even accused of using team money to fund terrorist operations, accusations that the Mavericks responded to generally by assassinating the accusers.
"I'm baaaack," said Sigma to Dallas upon his return. The 8'3 center stepped back onto the court, his bald head covered with a multicolored bandana, with guards Vile and Bit, forwards Storm Eagle and Morph Moth, and coach Bobby Knight, the only man capable of handling the reputably boorish Mavericks.
The Mavericks claimed their first match, against the Indiana Pacers, would be mere child's play. Indeed it was. Sigma put his fist through the Pacer center's chest, the game's first foul. The Pacers got two free throws for it, but the shooter was unable to sink either of the baskets, due to the fact that his knees were trembling and he had wet his pants. After that no one got close to the Mavericks.
"Aw come on, Ref!" an audience member complained. "That's obviously illegal!" He was referring to Storm Eagle and Morph Moth, who were hovering over the court, swooping in and grabbing rebounds and performing flawless slam-dunks. "Look at that air!" the commentators commented.
In response to this complaint, the Referee called a hearing, but upon seeing Sigma cracking his knuckles he quickly ruled that the hovering was legal as long as the flying Mavericks dribbled the ball when they had it, which they agreed to do.
"It was only reasonable," Morph Moth said with a shrug after the game. "This really wasn't much of a challenge. I'm afraid of the day when we have to play the Chicago Bulls. We traded Blizzard Buffalo to them. It just seemed right, y'know?"
"My fans!" Sigma said to the roaring Dallas crowd after the game ended with a record score of 201 to 3, "We came, we saw, we conquered!" He waited for the cheering to die down before continuing. "The S-Dawg is back in da house, and we gonna rock this world right to the core of its miserable existence! WHOOP dere it is!"
"WHOOP dere it is!" responded the enthusiastic crowd, not understanding the subliminal message.
GATE REQUESTS NEW PLOT
New enemy lord wants fiendish plan that "doesn't suck ass-monkeys".
By Ludwig
TOKYO, WHERE ELSE?—The supervillain in Capcom's new Megaman X6 video game, Dr. Gate, has come forth and addressed his creators, begging them to give his game a new plotline.
In X6, Gate and his comrades Isoc and High Max send their Investigators out to learn about the "Zero Nightmare". Then, Gate decides to create a Reploid utopia. X stops him, of course, and then goes on to defeat Sigma, who is back again for, it would finally seem, no reason whatsoever.
"Is that not the crummiest plot you've ever heard?" Gate asked Capcom's R&D team. "What the hell is this Zero Nightmare crap? It sounds like a bad horror movie. And the utopia? That's SO been done before. HELLO? DR. DOPPLER? Morons."
"But you've got Isoc and the Mighty High Max," the team pointed out.
"Isoc is weird," Gate countered. "And High Max may be strong, but he ain't all that smart." A door opened to reveal High Max, sitting Indian style on the floor with a box of Goldfish snack crackers in his hands.
"I like da fishes cuz they're soooo delicious!" High Max sang. "Daaats' Goldfiiiishes!"
"See?" Gate sighed. "I waited and waited and waited and FINALLY when I get accepted as the new villain, I get this crummy storyline! Is it so much to ask for a plot that doesn't suck ass-monkeys?"
"MONKEY!" High Max repeated, bouncing around the room. "Monkey monkey monkey MONKEY!!!"
WILY'S NEW "TROJAN MAN" ILL RECEIVED BY PEERS
Especially by those who get it.
By Master Revokov
SKULL CASTLE—In a sudden stint of dark humor probably caused by increased Starbucks intake, Dr. Wily created his latest masterpiece, which was ill received by its fellow Robot Masters after its activation last Monday.
The new Robot Master, who goes by the moniker "Trojan Man", is a humanoid soldier in green armor who carries a long pointy lance. He also has access to a mechanical horse custom made for his own use.
"He is a wild, crazy party animal!" Wily explained in his usual raving tone. "Trojan Man will find the Blue Bomber, and stop him before he can commence bombing! His horse, Silver Bullet, will take him anywhere he needs to go, so he can make sure those naughty children of Light behave themselves. After all, one Megaman is enough!" Wily seemed to think this was amazingly funny, and dissolved into a fit of giggles, which is how I left him.
Despite Trojan Man's generally upbeat and helpful disposition, the other Robot Masters haven't quite accepted him yet.
"He's weird," commented Dive Man. "He carries that poker, sure, but that ain't his special weapon. I don't understand the point of his special weapon."
"He keeps dropping subtle hints," said Cut Man. "At least, I think they are subtle hints. I don't know what in the world he's talking about. 'Play it safe'? 'A moment of passion, a lifetime of regret'? I just don't get it."
Indeed, none of the Robot Masters seemed to get it, all save for perhaps one, the man with the most experience in the world outside Wily's walls.
"All right, so here's the beef," said Bass, crashing in an armchair and speaking in a distracted manner. "This Trojan dude was made to benefit mankind, not to smash it, as far as I can see. That in itself is a problem. That may not be what Wily intended. Wily probably thought he was just being funny. But I don't think so. Just look at this special weapon, the S. Trapper! Remember Spring Man's Wild Coils bouncing around everyplace? Now stick a green covering over the springs and there you have it. The S. Trapper. Now, no one else gets it…" Bass leaned forward conspiratorially. "But I mean, come on. You know what's being implied, so I won't say it. Now, the point I'm trying to make here is, why SHOULDN'T the Robot Masters be pissed off? We don't find this funny! I don't find this funny, and I'm the only one who gets it! What good is this guy to us? Wily's MOCKING us, that's what he's doing! Everyone in here has the suffix "Man" but at the same time, they're not!"
Asked how he got to be so knowledgeable on the subject, Bass flushed and kind of shrunk down in his chair. "The…the Internet," he stammered, perhaps hiding something, perhaps not.
An effort was made to interview Mega Man, Proto Man, and Light's other children.
"Back off, back off, nothing to see here," Mega Man said, waving in a different direction.
"Go on, get out, lest I melt your skull," Proto Man replied, just as cheerily, gesturing with his Buster as he and Mega stood guard over the small shed where Roll—the only local female robot—has wisely secluded herself since news of Trojan Man was made public.
At least one Robot Master, however, seems to have taken a liking to Trojan Man.
"I want his horse," drooled Centaur Man, without elaborating.
I DO WHAT THE VOICES TELL ME TO DO
By Sigma
I'm sick of this…I can't take it anymore! All the yelling, the shouting, the accusations, the condemnations! You people act like I'm not reploid like the rest of you. Do I not bleed like you? Do I not weep like you, though never in public? And yet you spurn my name, just because I brutally murdered your friends and neighbors. I, Sigma, am the scourge of the world, that's what you say, isn't it? Well, it hurts! It hurts because you don't even understand the half of it!
It's not me, my friends. Ohhh no no no. I'm not responsible for HALF the things "I" do. It's THEM. Yes, them! The voices! Hey, don't give me that look. I know precisely what you're thinking, and it's wrong! They're THERE, man! They're REAL! They control my life, they force me to do these terrible things, and they punish me if I disobey! My god, people, do you know what it's like to have three different opinions clashing with your own on every occasion? All I wanted to do was to be a zoologist. That's right, a zoologist! The Maverick Hunter job was just temporary until I got my roots in the world. I wanted to study the monkeys and the fishies and the koala bears, but that was until the VOICES got to me!
There are three Voices: Githgarzad, Zeeberdoink, and Bob. Githgarzad is the old me. He's always talking about the "good old days" when I was kicking ass, instead of getting my own ass handed to me on a platter, like now. Githgarzad is very loud during combat. He's all like "KILL IT, SIGMA, KILL IT DEAD! MAKE IT DIE, AND THEN GO OUT FOR A PINT, LIKE YA USED TA! REMEMBER THE TIME STORM EAGLE PASSED OUT DRUNK IN MIDAIR AND LANDED SPREAD-LEGGED ON KUWANGNER'S HEAD? OH BOYSIE, THOSE WERE THE DAYS!"
But ZEEBERDOINK…Zeeberdoink is the one to watch out for! He's the most potent member of the Sigma Virus. He's always telling me to rip things apart, even when not in combat. "Death," says Zeeberdoink, all the time, "Pain. Chaos. Agony. Suffering! STOP SITTING THERE AND CAUSE SOME TROUBLE!" I can't defeat Zeeberdoink…I'm sorry, but I can't! I try and I try and I try but Zeeberdoink is just too powerful. And so I set off on rebellion after rebellion, with Zeeberdoink at the helm, desperately trying to kill Mega Man X, my rival. I really don't have a problem with X. He won, I lost, that's life. But old Zeeberdoink, he just doesn't like to lose, so he always takes over right before I fight X, which is why X always sees me as a wild crazy frothing beast.
Githgarzad and Zeeberdoink are always at odds, and the bickering gives me headaches all the time! And its even worse when Bob starts in! Bob is a pyromaniac, and cares only about fire. From the time Bob wakes up till the time Bob goes to sleep he's screaming constantly "LOOK SIGMA, LOOK AT IT SIGMA, LETS SET IT ON FIRE, SIGMA, COME ON SIGMA LETS SET IT ON FIRE! BURN! BURN! BURN! BUUUUUUURRRRRRRN, MAXIMAL! LOOK AT THE FLOWER SIGMA, LOOK AT THE FLOWER, ISN'T IT A PRETTY FLOWER SIGMA, I BET IT WOULD LOOK PRETTIER IF IT WERE ON FIRE, EH SIGMA, EH? EH? EH?"
Do you see?! Do you understand?! Cruel, cruel world, I don't slaughter your innocent civilians because I want to! I merely do what the Voices tell me to do! There's nothing I can do to stop it! Run, run for your lives, before it's too late and I lose control again!
All I wanted was to work with the monkeys and the fishies…it's all I wanted…the monkeys and the fishies….that's all….the monkeys and the fishies and the koala bears….
"HEY SIGMA, KOALA BEARS ARE NEAT ARENT THEY SIGMA? MAYBE THEY WOULD BE NEATER IF THEY WERE BURNING LIKE TIKI TORCHES, EH SIGMA, EH? EH? EH? EH?"
STAFF
Master Revokov—Editor In Chief
Baron Vince—Copy Editor
Baron Ziegfeld—Assistant Editor
Ludwig—Editor Editor
Kou Cao—Very Special Editor
The Experts—Gatherers of Knowledge
Sigma—Will Probably Be Shooting At You Shortly Enough