Itachi's First Day, a naruto fanfic

This is a random attempt at a funny oneshot. Flame me. XD

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

One last note: I am writing this where everything is ridiculous and totally NOT canon. Also, Itachi isn't really the caring brother he really is. He's more like the Itachi the world saw in the very beginning—the ruthless, clan murderer. And yeah, I know that the clan massacre scene didn't go like that. Too bad.

Itachi's First Day As An Akatsuki

Uchiha Itachi was the prized prodigy of the Uchiha clan. Hell, the prized prodigy of Konohagakure! His life was damn fine. However, Kami-sama didn't think so—he just had to go and mess things the fuck up!

"You are to eliminate the enemy, Uchiha Itachi. This has been the task of your whole career as a shinobi. However, all of those petty missions weren't nearly as important as this one." Rasped the woman elder. Itachi hated her—she smelled like bananas (which he hated) and sand (which he also, hated) Inwardly, he wrinkled his nose at the old lady and stuck his tongue out, even made obscene gestures..

Pfft, really? 'Petty missions'? You old hag! You've never been a shinobi in your life—You have no idea what you have to do to train a perfect body like mine. Besides, on one of those 'petty' ANBU missions, I came back with all of my fucking ribs busted! Ugh, those were the three days from hell! Ungrateful bitch. He thought, expertly masking his face into an unreadable façade.

"Originally, we didn't want you to do this mission. We asked your cousin Uchiha Shisui to do it, but he was too much of a pussyfoot. However, now that you've been assigned this mission—" Irritated, Itachi rolled his eyes. Inwardly, of course.

'Now that you've been assigned this mission'? What the hell! They just keep talking and still haven't told me my goddamn mission yet! Tch. And who said I'd accept it?

…

Oh yeah. My father probably.

…

Bastard.

"You know, of course, that your clan is planning a coup d'etat. Your mission is to annihilate all Uchiha and live the rest of your life as a nuke-nin." The male elder replied, his eyes shining deviously. Danzou, the bastard with a fucking walking stick decided to smirk at this. If Itachi's father hadn't beaten the whole, 'be a fucking ice cube' thing into him, Itachi would've screamed obscenities and attacked all of the stupid old people. Too bad.

"…" Yeah. Itachi.

"Do you accept." All three of the old people 'asked'.

Kill them all? Fine. The old bastard's been on my case and won't look at Sasuke for a damn second. I could definitely live without him. And everybody else—Konoha must be safe from all those power-crazed fucks. But be a nuke-nin because you told me too? Hell no. Old bastards..so damn conceited. I should just slit their throats.

"Hai." Itachi bowed respectfully. Danzou threw his mission scroll, trying to catch him off guard. As the approaching paper came within arms length, Itachi caught the tube with his thumb and forefinger.

Lol cocky bastard.

The mission scroll said:

Mission: Eliminate all Uchiha and live as missing-nin.

Rank: S Rank

Requirements: Uchiha Itachi. Do not let this mission surface. Must be kept secret.

Additional Notes: We'll hunt you.

Itachi wanted to roll his eyes at the last line—what was the point in telling him? It was common sense. If he were a criminal, of course they'd be after him. And since he was going to be killing so many people, he'd be a MAJOR criminal. God. Are these people damn stupid? Tch.

Thud

Thud Thud

Thud

Bodies hit the floor everywhere around him, blood spattered his clothes and face. He felt no pain as he cut down so many people.

It's just a mission. Just another mission.

Slice! Thud.

"NO! WHY ITACHI?! WHY?"

"HOW COULD YOU!"

"TRAITOR! TRAITOR!"

"YOU'RE NO UCHIHA! TRAITOR!"

"I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE GOTTEN RID OF YOU, YOU LITTLE BRAT!"

Words flew from mouths of people he knew—they hadn't stung him in the least. If he'd gotten a dollar every time somebody had asked him 'why', or called him a traitor, he would've had a lot of dollars. No matter! He sliced and diced. Half of the time, he was pretending he was making a salad—which was increasingly strange since these were people he was butchering, and not animals. Oh well.

Finally, he was in his parents' room. His father was in a defensive stance, arms outstretched to protect his wife. Itachi kept his mask in place and stared at them blankly, activating his mangekyou. Mikoto had her eyes clenched shut and buried her head in her arms while Fugaku made the mistake of looking into Itachi's eyes. He was hurled into hell faster than he could puke! Red, black, and white ran together and formed grotesque images of Itachi ruthlessly executing all of his fellow Uchiha. He'd wanted to close his eyes, make the images stop, but his head felt as though someone was attempting to bash it in with a can of Mountain Dew, whatever that was. Besides, if he somehow were able to control himself, his eyes wouldn't close anyway—Itachi wouldn't permit it.

Meanwhile, in the real world, Itachi knocked his mother out and proceeded to bind his parents together with ridiculously strong chakra ropes, only breakable by Itachi's command—which he wouldn't give. He let his façade fall for a brief moment, and smirked as he heard the patter of Sasuke's feet.

Looks like he's home—too bad he's in time for this. Itachi thought, just a tad remorseful. Putting the unnecessary feelings to the back of his mind, Itachi hid in the shadows and slowly unsheathed his katana.

Jshhhhh (door being slid open)

Itachi counted to five, to make sure Sasuke had time to look into the room. Reaching five, he brought down his blade unto his parents—and they were both dead before little Sasuke could gasp.

"Why, aniki? WHY!?"

"I've had enough, there's no hope left for this pathetic clan!"

"But..the clan!"

"The clan, the clan! You overestimate your own abilities, with no idea of the depth of my own. And look at you now, groveling in the dirt!" Itachi advanced toward Sasuke, pointing his blade in Sasuke's direction. He raised it slowly , ready to strike..

"NO! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Sasuke screamed, holding his arms above him, to shield himself from the oncoming attack. Itachi smirked and lowered the katana to his side. He hooked his forefinger under the trembling child's chin, and activated his mangekyou.

"Otouto," Itachi replied gently. Sasuke sniffled and slowly lowered his arms—but looked into those cursed, crimson eyes. He too, was hurled into hell—and perhaps, he might've puked if he'd had the time. The same grotesque images that had plagued his father moments before raced before his eyes—soo much blood! So many dead people! So much blood oozing out of the dead people! Itachi stepped back from Sasuke, still keeping him in the ingeniously weaved genjutsu. Sasuke clutched his head in pain, screaming and wailing like a wild animal.

After what seemed like hours to Sasuke, it stopped. He blinked, and tears cascaded down his cheeks. He looked up fearfully in search of his brother, only to see the glowing crimson eyes in the corner. (In reality, he was only in Tsukyomi for about 12 seconds.)

"Foolish little brother, if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way. Run, run and cling to life. And one day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me." Itachi replied monotonously, as though he were asking his mother what was for dinner.

…

Oops. He doesn't have a mother anymore. He killed her.

…

Anyway, Sasuke started to scream again—damn, that little kid was annoying. Itachi used his Mangekyou to knock the younger boy unconscious and inconspicuously left Konohagakure for the last time.

And now, here he was. An Akatsuki. The youngest member of an elite terrorist group. Wonderful. Really, he gave up life as a noble shinobi for—these people? Tch! He wants his damn village back, holy shit! Itachi sighed.

It was by far, the worst day of his life. In fact, it was probably the last day of his life, and the beginning of his hell. And this hell..was the Akatsuki.

"OHMYFUCKINGGOD! YOU'RE UCHIHA FUCKING ITACHI? HOLYSHIT YOU'RE JUST SOME LITTLE KID WITH FREAKY SWIRLY EYES!!" screamed a seemingly albino teen. Said teen ran a hand through his already slicked back silver hair, and heaved a heavy sigh. A bit to his right, Uchiha Itachi merely glared icy darts at the offending teen, his mouth formed a straight line. Apparently, he chose to remain silent. The pink eyed one removed his hand from his hair and glared back at Itachi and bent down to match his height.

"You little shit. Let's get somethin' straight, kay? If you touch my oreos, Jashin-sama will smite you with his mighty pole of dead people and anti-environmentally safe lightning!!" Hidan rasped, viciously biting into a random oreo and glaring at the younger boy. Suddenly, Hidan stopped chewing his oreo, his eyes wide. His mouth was open agape, and his head slid cleanly off. Behind him, the mysterious man with a mask was standing there, a kunai dripping red.

"YOU SON OF SOME FREAKY ALBINO DEMON!! YOU TOOK SOME MOOLAH FROM MISTER MOO MOO!" Kakuzu bellowed, slowly pulling out a curiously hidden katana out of his back. His eyes shined dangerously as Hidan's head rolled to glare at him. Yes, that's correct. Hidan's head glared at Kakuzu. Why? The Jashinist was a fucking immortal. Yes, I said it. IMMORTAL!

"YOU FUCKING OCTOPUS! SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY MUMMY! AND I AIN'T THE STUPID FUCK WHO TOOK YOUR SHITTY MONEY! NOW PUT ME BACK TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKER." Hidan's head seemed to bounce as it shouted. All he needed now, was to roll down a random stairwell with paranoid kids at the bottom! Happy Halloween! However, Kakuzu was used to this kind of stuff, and merely swatted the severed head with a tentacle, so it smacked the wall. Itachi might have sweat dropped at this idiocy, had he been anybody else—but he wasn't. So he settled for slowly inching away, out of the room.

As soon as he was out of the room, he speed walked up 9 flights of stairs and into his wing, trying to avoid any (and every) other person in the ..weird cave-turned-building thingy. Itachi clung to the shadows, stealthily walking down the corridor. Unfortunately, one place he stepped turned out to be a trap trigger..and..well..the trap triggered.

Now there were sharp projectiles sailing in every direction and big ass holes in the floor ((which is increasingly strange, since he's NOT on floor level..)) Itachi pulled out his new, red iPod nano from his pocket and turned up "We're All to Blame" by Sum 41. He bobbed his head to a few beats, getting the rhythm into his system. On the word "ALL!", Itachi leapt into action, dodging the sharp objects and avoiding the gaping holes in the floor—all while keeping up the appearance of doing some randomly awesome fight scene in some random anime that American kids obsessed over. He was so into the music, that when it went slow—time seemed to slow. That's right—slow motion. Like the fucking Matrix! But better!

Be calm, Itachi. Just keep dodging and your hair will be fine! A kunai whizzed past his face, close enough to cut his hair and cheek if he hadn't moved the other way. Itachi's eyes widened a fraction.

OHSHIT! OHSHIT! THIS IS BAD! Not my hair..! Anything but my hair!! Yeah. Uchiha Itachi—clan murderer—was freaking out about the possibility of his hair getting cut. Heh. Crack is fun, children! Really! IT IS! ((A/N: No, children. Do not go running to your parents saying that I told you its okay. I didn't. I said its fun.))

Finally to the end of the destroyed corridor, Itachi ran like hell through the next, to his room, and slammed the door. His eyes were wide and he looked left and right, continuously.

They'll never get me aliveee! NEVER! Or my hair..my beautiful hair. A whoosh of air escaped his lips—apparently Itachi's form of a 'deep sigh'—and then he heard it. Yes, it. What is it, you ask? Well..

A curious fly-trap shaped shadow was on the wall—but Itachi knew it wasn't just a shadow. No—the 'shadow' soon opened glowing yellow eyes, and seemed to part from the wall. And there, stood the biggest example of genetic mutation in the world!! BWAHAHA!

No. I'm kidding.

It was a ridiculously large man that looked like he was part oreo, part cannibalistic desk plant. Yes! This Akatsuki member was Zetsu. He was the info-espionage-freaky-look-behind-you-he's-gonna-get-you!-dood. He had some strange jutsu that allowed him to hide in the strangest areas—and appear out of equally strange areas. Also, just to add on to his oreo, cannibalistic desk plant-ness, he was sort of schizophrenic—in a way. You see, his oreo-ness, was his face. One half was black and the other was white—and the two sides quarreled often.

So yes, picture it dear reader. A ridiculous looking man that looks like a genetically altered man, genetically altered with a cannibalistic desk plant and an oreo. To top everything off—he talks to himself. Literally. A two sided conversation from—technically—one person. Anyway, back to Itachi getting eaten by Zetsu—I mean, Itachi making his manly escape..

And so, Itachi bit his tongue to keep from screaming at the repulsive Akatsuki. He inconspicuously opened the door behind him, whipped it open, and ran like hell—not bothering to listen to what Zetsu was yelling after him. And if you're curious as to what Zetsu was yelling:

"AYE! SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!" However, Itachi, being the kid who could run faster than lightning—literally, was too far away to hear.

Eh, so I know in the beginning it says that this is supposed to be a oneshot. I know I didn't include all of the Akatsuki members—but perhaps this could be a two or three shot. =/ What do you guys think?