Gone Again
A/N: This is my original story 'Gone', as told from the opposite perspective.
My heart is pounding in my chest. This is it. The moment I've always dreaded. I don't want to do this to him, to us, but I can't stay with him everyday, knowing how much I love him and knowing he doesn't love me back. If he did, he would have told me by now. Besides, it's time I got myself a normal life. Settled down. And the only way to do that without Mulder is to get away from here, away from him. Try to forget him.
"Mulder, I'm sorry," I say. "I just - I just can't do this any more. This chasing around, ghost-busting, alien hunting lifestyle just isn't me anymore. I want a normal life. Can't you understand that?"
He looks at me sadly. I think he understands. And even if he doesn't, he's not putting up a fight. Just tell me you want me to stay, Mulder, I plead in my head. Give me a reason not to go.
But he just nods and I move towards the door. I pause for a second and turn back, giving him one last chance to say something, to stop me from leaving him. Nothing.
"Goodbye Mulder" is all I can manage before I leave what is no longer 'our' office, afraid that if I stay any longer he will see me cry. I head for the elevator but hold back the tears until the doors close on me.
FIVE YEARS LATER
Five years ago I left my old life behind in Washington DC, and moved to Salem, Oregon. It's a small town and I had secured a position at the MD's office in the centre of town. I settled into town and soon made some friends – my best friend Paige (yes, I, Dana Scully, have a best friend. Wait, I have a girl-friend, something that was lacking from my life on the X-Files. Paige is a kook and reminds me a lot of my late sister Melissa) and Jake, my fiancé. Jake owns the hardware store and whilst I was fixing up my new house, I was in and out of the store a lot. He would chat to me and kept asking me on a date. I was still trying to forget about Mulder so initially I turned him down, but he was so persistent. Eventually I agreed to have dinner with him and he turned out to be a really nice guy. I could feel myself falling for him and so the day he went down one knee and offered me a sapphire ring for my hand in marriage, I said yes. Jake moved in and we're building a life together here. A normal life. And I like it.
At first I thought about Mulder everyday. Then, as my new life took over it got less and less. I sometimes wondered whether he would try to find me, but so far he never has. So far. I guess I'm still wondering.
It's Saturday morning and Paige is on the phone, regaling me with tales of some party she was at last night, and the latest guy she's dating.
I laugh at something she's telling me and there's a knock at the door.
"Listen, Paige, I have to go, there's someone at the door. I'll call you back later OK?"
"OK Danes," she says. "Love you honey."
I smile. "Love you too."
Still smiling I hang up the phone and go to answer the door.
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock I get when I open it. For standing there, larger than life, is Mulder.
I feel the colour drain from my face and my heart start to pound as I look at him standing there.
"Hey Scully." Clearly Mulder has recovered first, for he looks almost as shocked as I do.
"Mulder! What are you doing here? How did you find me?" For some reason I feel the need to shout at him although it's fairly obvious he had no idea who lived in this house.
"I didn't. I mean I did, but I didn't mean to - I mean I did hope, one day that I would, but –" he's rambling now. "The UFO. Did you see anything Ma'am?"
I sigh. The local paper has been running reports of a UFO sighting over the edge of the town. "I should have known. You ever gonna give this up?"
"No." He looks at me with those eyes and I feel my heart melt, just like always.
"You wanna come in Mulder?"
"Yeah," he says and I lead him inside.
"So Scully, how are you doing?" he asks.
All I can think is how many years is it since someone called me Scully? And then I realise I miss it.
"Good Mulder, really good." I say. Then without thinking: "You missed Jake though. He's out of town this week. So I guess he didn't see the UFO either."
At the mention of Jake's name, a look I can't place crosses Mulder's face. He strolls over to the mantelpiece and picks up a photo of Jake and me. I was so happy that day; it was right after we got engaged. We're both laughing and Jake has his arms around me.
"This him?" Mulder asks.
"Uh-huh."
Suddenly I can tell that this conversation is causing Mulder pain. I don't want to hurt him but I see him glance down at my hand and clock the sapphire ring that sparkles there. Is he jealous?
I need to change the subject.
"I'm practicing medicine again," I say.
"Dr Scully," says Mulder.
It's awkward between us. I fish for a further change in subject.
A thought occurs to me. "Dinner! You want to stay for some?"
Mulder looks uncomfortable. "Oh, I would, but the UFO, I have to keep a watch out in case it appears again. But if you're at a loose end, you could come watch out with me. You know, for old times' sake?"
"For old times' sake? Mulder you will never change!" I want to spend some more time with him but I can see that it must be awkward for him in this house. I smile at him. "Okay. For old times' sake."
And so, an hour later, we're on the top of a hill where the last sighting was. I brought a blanket so we sit back and look at the stars. I was right and being away from the house eases the tension and we laugh and joke together. Mulder tells me how the Bureau has changed since I left, and I fill him in on her new life as Dr Scully.
I having a great time with him, we're relaxed and it's almost like the last five years never happened, like I never left. Then I feel Mulder tense beside me.
"Scully," he begins. "I'm so glad I found you again."
I look into his eyes and smile. "Me too," I say sincerely. And I do mean it. I've missed him.
He takes my hand. "You know I love you, don't you?"
Oh my god. Mulder loves me. Eleven years I've waited to hear him say that. My heart pounds, I squeeze his hand and whisper "I didn't until you just told me."
He leans forward and our lips brush.
It takes everything I have to pull away. I'm mad at him. Why now? Why now when I have my life on track and I'm happy? I try to articulate this to him.
"Mulder this is insane. I'm getting married. It's too late for you and me. Why couldn't you have told me this five years ago?"
I turn away but I don't pull my hand away from his. I feel him squeeze it. I turn back to him. He takes a breath.
"I didn't know how back then. And then you left, and I thought I was over you, but seeing you today... I'm not. I know I'm not. I never will be. I love you Scully."
No. I can't deal with this. Not after spending all that time trying to get over him. I've wasted enough of my life waiting for him. I look at him for a moment longer, then stand up and walk away.
**********
I watch her leave me – again – and then stand up with a sigh. I guess I should have known it was too much to hope for, to finally find her again and tell her how I feel at last, and have her feel the same. Of course she has a life here and has a someone here – why wouldn't she? She has the normal life she's always dreamed of. I fold up the blanket she left behind in her haste to get away from me, and head back to the motel where I'm staying.
Back in my room, I am still mentally kicking myself for being such an idiot and letting her leave me the first time. Why didn't I tell her I loved her back then, beg her to stay? Why didn't I try to find her after she left? I am such an idiot!
I down a couple of the miniature bottles of whisky from the minibar and fall asleep with the TV on, the way I always do.
**********
The next morning things are clearer. I spent the remainder of the evening with Paige and she helped me see that I still love Mulder and I want to spend my life with him. But Jake is due back from his trip anytime now and I need to see Mulder before he leaves. I feel sick. How can I do this to Jake? But if I don't, Mulder will never know that I chose him and his pain will be unbearable. But I have to think of myself too, and who will make me happy. And I know now that that person is Mulder.
Unsure what I should do I pick up my cell phone and send him a text.
"Mulder, it's me. Don't leave town – stop by my place first. Missed you but didn't know how much until last night."
Twenty minutes later I'm starting to panic. Jake is due back and there's still no sign of Mulder. Why didn't I just call him?
Just then a car pulls into the driveway. I open the front door and go outside to greet my fiancé.
"Honey, you're home." I try to sound pleased as Jake climbs out of his car and wraps his arms around me. I'm wondering how to tell him about Mulder when over his shoulder I catch sight of Mulder's car.
My heart stops as I think they're about to meet, but Mulder slows up as he approaches the house, then takes off at speed and is gone. He must have seen Jake.
***********
I turn my car into her street and spot her house. Scully missed me, that has to mean something. As I approach the house I see a car in her driveway already. Scully is on the driveway, her red hair glinting in the morning sun, and a tall man has his arms around her. I'm too late. Jake is home.
I put my foot on the gas pedal and keep on driving, this time heading for the airport. She's made her choice and I'm going home.
***********
Jake took a shower and headed straight out again so I didn't have chance to speak to him. Whilst he was gone I packed a bag and booked a flight back to DC. Now I'm just waiting for him to get back so I can explain everything to him before I leave. I owe him that. It will crush him, I know. He knows nothing about Mulder, I never told him the details of why I left DC. But I know it's something I have to do.
His car pulls up outside and I hear the front door close behind him.
"Hey sweetie" he says entering the room and smiling at me. "I really missed you this week." Then he notices the bag by my feet. His expression changes. "Dana, honey, what's going on?"
So I tell him. I tell him about Mulder, and about us working together and how much I loved him and about me leaving, and about him turning up out of the blue yesterday and telling me he's in love with me. And then I tell Jake how I'm still in love with Mulder and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I stayed, Jake deserves better than to marry someone who will always be wondering what might have been.
Jake is quiet. Stunned. He thought everything was fine and I guess it was until yesterday afternoon. But fine is no longer enough for me and I stand up.
"I have a flight back to DC in a couple of hours," I tell him. Jake just nods and stands up.
"Dana I love you" he says as I hug him goodbye.
"I know," I say. "And I'm sorry that I don't love you enough to stay. But I have to do this."
I pick up my bag and leave the house, get into my car and head for the airport.
***********
Back in DC I check into a hotel, then head for the J Edgar Hoover building. It's been five years but nothing much has changed. The guard on the front desk is still the same guy and he remembers me.
"Agent Scully," he says when he sees me.
"It's Dr Scully now" I tell him, and he signs me in so I can go and find Mulder.
I push the down button in the elevator and my heart is in my mouth. I just hope he's pleased to see me.
I approach what used to be our office and I can see Mulder moving around inside. It looks like he's actually tidying up. Some things do change then. As I get to the doorway I see that he's clearing my desk. It's only taken him 5 years to get around to doing that? But in a way I'm touched he never did it before. I see him prop up a picture of us on his desk. It was taken one of the last times we spent together. We were on the baseball field, and I was in his arms. I always loved that picture. Mulder looks so happy, so content with me. I wonder whether he even knew someone had taken our picture that night, and I wonder for the thousandth time why we weren't together back then.
I take a breath and knock on the open door.
He looks up and sees me standing there.
"Still nobody but the FBI's most unwanted down here then?" I ask, echoing exactly what he said to me the first time we met. Of course I remember his words.
"Scully!" He looks pleased to see me. He comes over and takes me into his arms and holds me tightly. Which feels terrific.
***********
I squeeze her hard. She's here and I'm never letting her go again.
"Mulder! I had to come. I had to see you," she says.
"But what about Jake?" I ask, wondering where I stand with her now. Wondering what's going on in her head.
"Don't pretend you care about Jake! I saw your face when you saw his picture."
"Scully, I'm sorry." I let go of her and back off. "But you know how I feel about you." I lean on the edge of my desk and looks at her.
She's here, is all I can think. Scully is here. She followed me home to DC.
"Why did you have to show up again like that?" she asks.
Now I'm confused. Is she mad at me?
"I didn't do it on purpose! I swear to you Scully, I had no idea who lived there."
"I know." She smiles and I relax a little. "Your face when I opened the door! I've never seen you so white!" She steps closer to me. She's teasing me, that has to be good. Maybe it's going to be alright.
"I sorry, Scully." I say. "For showing up in your life and wrecking things again. You have a life there. You're getting married. Maybe you should just go back." Maybe I should just let her go again. She knows the truth, now it's up to her.
"Mulder!" She's almost shouting at me. "You don't get it do you? I'm glad you showed up and wrecked things! I don't love Jake. I thought I did, but when I saw you again -! I've never felt about anyone how I feel about you," she adds quietly.
I look deep into her eyes and put arms around her waist again. Do I dare hope?
"I left Jake," she tells me and my heart soars. I try, and fail, not to beam at her. "He can't compete with you – he never could."
And then she can't say anything else because I am kissing her deeply and I know that she knows she's made the right decision.