Disclaimer: I have zero rights to M.A.S.H, characters, etc.
Author's Note: I recently broke cartilage in my ankle, was on rest for a few months and with the help of Hulu I finally watched the entire series of M.A.S.H. This story is me just testing the waters for now and is a Christmas gift to a dear friend of mine.
This story contains spoilers up to season 11 .
A Wreck in Time:
For Michelle:
Hawkeye placed his tray down on the long wooden table as he and B.J. took their spots on the wooden bench inside the mess tent for breakfast. Across from them Margaret had already started on her breakfast of powdered eggs. Hawkeye picked up a piece of bacon with his fork and sniffed it before placing it on B.J. tray next to him, then he proceed to pick up the next piece and sniff it also.
"Will you please stop sniffing your food," Margaret told him like a parent would tell their child to stop playing with their food.
"My food, my nose, my sniff, " he remarked with a smirk on his face as be picked up the piece of bread.
She just glared at him, "How can you be so childish?"
"Easy," he stuck his tongue out before sniffing the piece of bread and tossing it across to B.J.'s tray.
"Grow up," she scolded him before taking a bite of her eggs.
"But if I grow anymore then my head will be in the clouds, literally."
"It's too early for your childish humor."
"Is not!"
Margaret didn't have time to retort when Potter came up to the table. "Good morning Colonel," everyone said half-heartedly as he took a seat at their table.
"Pierce and Houlihan, you two have been here the longest of the group, do you remember a Captain Tuttle?"
"Captain Tuttle sure, he was helping Saint Theresa orphanage before he died that terrible death," Hawkeye said he wiped a pretend tear from his eye. "Good man that Tuttle was."
Margaret glared at him before turning her attention to Potter primly, "He's also known as Pierce's imaginary friend."
"Major, he was no imaginary friend," Hawkeye said defensively in Tuttle's name, almost genuinely.
"You and Trapper made him up, and then convince the army to give you back pay for him, if I remember correctly, for 14 months! Then, you conveniently 'killed' him in a parachute accident so General Clayton wouldn't know any better, followed by having his said 'death' benefits going to the orphanage," Margaret reminded him. Hawkeye couldn't help but smile at the memory and her own impeccable recollection.
"Impressive, Major, " he told her before looking back at Potter with his only defense."The money went to a good cause sir."
"Your heart may have been a good place, Pierce, but the army always catches on and they caught on to your scheme. They have stopped all money going to the orphanage as of this morning and a lieutenant from I-CORPS is on his way out to discuss the matter with me tomorrow," Potter said with a fake smile.
"Do you want me to talk to them?" Hawkeye suggested but Potter shook his head no.
"You've done enough damage Pierce! I want you to take a jeep to the orphanage and tell them in person why they will no longer be receiving the monthly supplies and money from the army, are clear?"
"Yes, sir," he replied as he pushed his tray of uneaten food away from him.
"Your lies were bound to catch up with you, Captain," Margaret told him in a matter-of-fact tone in her voice.
"And you will be joining him Major," Potter ordered her.
This was obviously quite a surprise to her. "Sir?"
"You knew he made it up and didn't say anything, you are as much to blame as him," he answered her. "You two better get going before the storm comes in or you will be swimming your way back." With that announcement, Potter got to his feet and left the mess tent.
Margaret slammed her fork on the tray and glared at Hawkeye,"Thank you Captain!"
"This isn't my fault," he told her "and if you had kept your mouth closed about him being imaginary then we wouldn't be in this situation."
"If you hadn't made him up to begin with we wouldn't be here!" She shrilled before getting up and walking out of the mess tent.
They watched her leave with amusement. "You had an imaginary friend?" B.J. asked with a smirk.
"Tuttle thought it was a good idea," Hawkeye shrugged with his shoulders.
"And Tuttle also thought it was a good idea to help the orphanage?"
"He did and it was perfectly fine until Tuttle decided he wanted backpay," Hawkeye told him and B.J. started laughing.
"How did you ever pull this stunt off?"
"I obviously didn't pull it off since they caught on and I'm on my way to an orphanage," Hawkeye got to his feet and B.J. joined him as they grabbed their trays and dropped the uneaten food into the can, and placed their trays on top of it.
"At least we have a nice lull going on so you probably won't miss anything important," B.J. told him as they made their way to the swamp. Upon entering the tent Hawkeye went straight for the still and filled a martini glass with their newest gin swill. Gulping it down, he took off his army issue jacket and put on his Hawaiian shirt before replacing the jacket on top of it.
"Don't forget to leave the light on dear," he told B.J. with a smiled, and walked out of the tent, and headed towards Margaret's tent.
He rapped lightly on the fabric. "Oh dear, it's time to go. The children will be waiting," he told her in a dreamy sing-song voice, knowing full well he was going to just annoy her.
She swung the door open and crossed her arms across her chest, glaring at him. "This is all your fault and thanks to you I'm stuck with you for most of the day when I could be working on my reports!" She was nearly yelling at him.
"Honey, we shouldn't argue, it might frighten the children," he replied as they headed towards the jeep that Klinger had brought around.
"Pierce! I swear if you don't shut up I will hurt you," she threw him a look of disdain before getting into the passenger side of the jeep, pouting all the while.
"Captain, Major, the medical bag is in the jeep as well as some minor supplies that they requested," Klinger told them as Hawkeye got into the driver's side of the jeep.
"I thought we weren't giving them anymore supplies?" Hawkeye questioned.
"This is a gestured of good faith from Potter," he answered before saluting both of them and walking away.
Now the two officers were alone, and not too happy about it. "Ready?" Hawkeye asked as he started the engine.
"Just drive Pierce… and no singing!" She ordered him as she crossed her arms across her chest once again, the jeep jerked into motion as he took the road that lead out of camp.
"You know this isn't my fault," Hawkeye said over the chugging engine. In his peripheral, he saw Margaret roll her eyes. "My plan was flawless-"
"Flawless?!" She interrupted him. "You lied over and over to get your way and look where that led!"
"I was doing something good, Major!" He sneered over the sound of the engine as the jeep rolled through the mud-soaked land, a result from the storm the day before, the jeep started to slide as they came near an embankment.
"Pierce!" Margaret yelled as he slammed on the breaks to stop the jeep from going over the muddy edge. It skidded further down the edge before stopping completely with the front of the jeep still on higher ground while the back was dangerously resting in what was once the edge of the embankment.
"You okay?" Hawkeye asked as he loosened his grip from the steering wheel.
"What the hell, Pierce! Didn't you watch the road?" She demanded as she looked behind her to take in their predicament.
"Crawl out towards the front," he told her as he looked around the jeep.
"You crawl!"
"I'm not going to have this argument with you again, crawl your way out before the jee-" whatever he was going to say was cut off as the jeep tilted and rolled back down the embankment taking the two occupants with it.
The jeep slid down the embankment coming to a stop at the bottom, "Pierce, get us out of here!" Margaret told him as they looked up to see a mudslide heading directly towards them.
"Good idea," he shifted the jeep into reverse and felt it stall on him; he tried again to get the engine to turn over.
"Pierce!"
"I'm working on it, Margaret!" He yelled as the engine roared to life and he shifted the jeep into reverse, slamming on the gas pedal the jeep went flying backyards, Hawkeye turned his head just has the jeep slammed directed into the tree that was behind them. The momentum sent both occupants forward causing Hawkeye to slam into the steering wheel, he shifted his head just enough to see Margaret slumped over in the passenger seat before darkness over taking him from the crash.
He felt wetness hitting his neck in different places.
"B.J. we have a leak in the tent," he muttered in his sleep as he tried to move and he came into contact with the jeep shift stick. Shaking his head, he opened his eyes and looked around. "Margaret?" He whispered as he leaned over to her to check for a pulse.
"Go away Frank," she muttered and moved away from him.
"Wrong doctor, Major," he replied and shook her to get her attention. "Major, wake up!" He said louder and she groaned but didn't open her eyes.
The rain started to come down harder around them, looking around he saw a cave in the distance. He groaned silently to himself. "This day couldn't get worse," he whispered and got out of the jeep. He went around the other side to grab Margaret, shaking her again in hopes she would wake up. She didn't even stir at his movements.
"No worries, Margaret, your knight in shining armor is here," he whispered before situating her into his arms and making his way over to the cave. He could only hope that no one or thing would be making its home in the cave currently. Walking into the damp cave, he looked around for a decent dry spot against the cave wall and placed Margaret down softly against it. He noticed the bleeding cut on her head and muttered a silent explicative to himself. He needed the medical bag to take care of the cut and they were going to need the supplies. Running quickly outside, he raced through the rain to grab the box of supplies and his medical bag before rushing back to the cave. Just as he entered, the sound of a close thunder strike boomed. Jumping at the sound, he heard Margaret scream from inside the cave. He dropped the box and bag on the ground he went over to her, kneeling beside her.
"Margaret, you are okay, we are safe," he told her as he tried to get her to focus on him.
"What happened?" She asked startled and jumpy.
"We hit a tree," he told her as another thunder strike boomed closer, making both of them jump. Margaret went to get up and winced as she lifted her hand to her head. He pushed her back against the cave wall.
"Stay still, you hit your head, I'm going to check it out," he told her as he got to his feet and grabbed the box and bag, looking out to where the jeep was he noticed the sky getting darker.
"The storm is here," he told her as he dropped to his knees and placed his fingers gently against her head wound. "I'm going to clean this up, okay."
She nodded at him, "Are you okay?" She was actually genuinely concerned, even in her current state and predicament.
"Few bruises here and there but I'll be fine," he told her as he opened the medical bag and winced.
"Whats wrong?" She asked as she looked over him to see if there were any cuts or bleeding wounds, she saw nothing. "Where are you hurt?"
"I'm fine," he muttered as he searched inside the bag.
"Let me look you over," she told him in nurse mode.
"Whenever you want, Major," he said jokingly with a Cheshire grin.
"Stop making jokes, let me look at you."
"After I take care of your head wound."
He took out a small vial and a cotton swab from the bag, along with some bandages. He twisted the cap of the vial and put a little of the liquid on the cotton swab before directing his attention back to Margaret. "This will probably sting," he warned her as he gently pressed the swab against the wound.
"Pierce!" She growled through clenched teeth and grabbed his wrist in her hand to stop him.
"Let me finished cleaning," he told her and pushed her hand away before dabbing the area again.
"You're done Captain!" She moves her head away from his hand.
"Fine," he put his hands up and surrendered before putting the swab down and grabbing the small bandage. "Looks like you don't need any stitches but I am going to bandage it up and check on it later, okay?"
She nodded for him to continue, he gave her a weak smile and softly placed the small bandage on the wound to cover it. Cleaning up the mess, he placed the vial and the rest of the bandages back into the bag.
"Where is the pain?" She asked him as he turned his attention to the mouth of the cave.
"My shoulder and stomach," he told her truthfully as he turned slightly to face her. "I think I may have bruised some ribs from hitting the steering wheel."
"Let me look to make sure," she told him as she reached over and placed her hand on his arm. "Hawkeye, just let me confirm."
He nodded and got to his feet, he reached out his hand to help her get to her feet, making sure she had no issues standing before he gave her a slight nod and he started to remove his army issue jacket. A huge strike of lightening lit the cave up, followed by a very loud thunder clap. Margaret threw her arms around Hawkeye for comfort.
"It's okay," he told her as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder as another bolt of lightening came down striking the tree that they had hit with the jeep. Within seconds the tree was engulfed in flames, the flames shifted over to the jeep and started to burn the tires and any other flammable parts of the jeep.
"Margaret down," Hawkeye screamed as he pushed her to the ground just as the fire reached the gas tank and exploded, flinging parts of the jeep in all directions. They laid on the ground watching what was left of their jeep burn.
"So much for driving out of here," Hawkeye told her as he placed his head against the cold earth of the cave and silently cursed their luck.
It was going to be a long night.