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Hogan's Heroes belongs to others. I just hang around with them! Toby Cockatoo is (literally) mine and is modeled after his real-life counterpart, the cockatoo who owns me!
CARTER, THE COLONEL, AND THE COCKATOO
The door to Barracks 2 swung open with a bang, letting in a blast of wind and a very excited Andrew Carter. Clamped on his arm was a big, a very big, white bird who introduced himself with an ear-splitting screech. As a startled Hogan slammed out of his office, Carter blurted, "Hey, Colonel, look what I found! Can I keep him?"
Hogan stared at Carter's latest pet. "Where did you get this—this monster parrot?" Carter thought a moment and replied, "I bet he escaped from the Hammelburg zoo, boy, I mean Colonel. You know, along with the chimps, the lions, and that tiger. He flew right to me and landed on my arm. I think he likes me."
The colonel ran his hand through his hair. "Sorry, Andrew. You really can't keep him. Besides, he might chase your pet mouse Felix." LeBeau also eyed the bird. "He would make a lovely addition to the menu. Cockatoo au vin!" The bird obviously didn't like the sound of that and raised his umbrella-shaped crest in an agitated, menacing fashion and chomped his formidable beak in the little chef's direction. LeBeau backed away fast.
"You know, Louis," Newkirk drawled, "I think he understood you and he doesn't seem to like the idea of becoming the main course at dinner." Then, after a few minutes of thoughtful consideration, the British corporal added, "When I was working the Palladium, there was this guy who had one of these birds in his act. Maybe we could use Andrew's feathered friend as a distraction sometime, you know, when we need to fool the Krauts." The bird bobbed his head and fluffed his feathers. That was an idea he seemed to like!
"OK," Hogan gave in. "But where are we gonna keep him? One screech and everyone will know we have a new addition to the barracks! Especially Klink."
The bunk hiding the entrance to the tunnels rose as the team's radioman climbed into the barracks. "Message from London, Colonel," Kinch reported as he handed Hogan a slip of paper. There's a new Luftwaffe code book with plans for a series of raids. Command wants us to get them ASAP. Klink should be receiving them sometime in the next week—looks like he'll be holding them for pick-up. We'll need an excuse to get into his office and photograph them."
Hogan's forehead furrowed in thought. They were going to need a big distraction. Then, as an idea began to form, he nodded in Carter's direction. "How fast can you and Newkirk train that bird to do tricks? And can he talk? Preferably in German. Can you maybe make him imitate Sergeant Schultz?"
"Tricks are easy, Guv'nor," Newkirk responded. "Cockies are very smart birds and very mechanically inclined." Shouldn't take more than a few days. Talking might be a bit harder. What do you want him to say? And he really don't look anything like ol' Schultzie."
"Wonder if he'd wear a monocle and act like the Kommandant?" Carter smirked. "Or Hochstetter?" the explosives expert continued.
"Non, mes amis," Le Beau added his two cents worth. "But maybe he could wear a uniform. And he'll need a name."
The big white bird regarded the team as he rapidly raised and lowered his crest. This was getting interesting, he considered, as he picked out the hint of mischief in the men's voices. Perceptive as only a cockatoo can be, he squirmed in Carter's grasp, jumped down to the table in the center of the room, strutted and flounced across its surface and announced in a loud voice, "Achtung!" This could be fun!
Hogan and the guys could barely contain their laughter. "Blimey," explained Newkirk, "he looks just like Klink! Let's see if we can get him to do Burkhalter."
Cockatoos love attention, the more the better. Now center stage, the latest addition to Barracks 2 grabbed a rolled up pair of socks from the table top and began throwing and chasing it, tossing his head and laughing hysterically. This gave Kinch an idea. "Let's teach him to play catch!"
"Yeah," Carter laughed excitedly. "We could have a real good act here. Maybe we could get him to put on a show!"
"Or at least be the main act in our upcoming 'distraction,'" added Hogan. "Guess I'd better talk to Klink about putting on a show. Be ready to listen to some violin playing. Now, what's the occasion for this performance?"
"Hitler's birthday?" "Nah, we did that last time." "What about a 'Camp Kommandant's Appreciation Day?'" "Klink's a vain old wanna-be general, but even he'd never fall for that one." "Wait a minute—if old Klink's gonna play the violin, what about a day in honor of old Scramblebrain's favorite musician? Klink would go along with that one."
The Colonel listened to the various suggestions, then said, "That's it! Hitler's favorite musician is Richard Wagner—we'll celebrate Wagner's birthday. Give it some kind of theme. Maybe have a talent contest. Course, we don't need to say that the performers all have to be human. Oh, and Carter, you'd better take our star . . ."
"Toby," Carter interrupted, "I'm gonna call him Toby. You see, one of my cousins had this big white dog that did tricks and his name was Toby so I thought . . ."
"Blimey, Andrew, we get the point! Toby it is."
The bird laughed again and tossed his head. He was really enjoying the men's excitement. This whole affair just seemed to be made for a cockatoo's entertainment. All this and a new buddy, too! He jumped back on Carter's arm and snuggled contentedly as the young sergeant scritched the feathers on his neck. This was the life!
#########
LeBeau was just dishing out a delicious-smelling vegetable stew (veggies courtesy of the underground!) when the door burst open and an ever-hungry Sergeant Schultz walked in. Rubbing his over-sized tummy, he began, "You boys know that cooking is not permitted in the barracks, but I'll overlook it just this once if you'll give me some. It smells so good, much better than what we get in the Sergeants' Mess Hall." Then, noticing Toby for the first time, he muttered, waving a finger in the cockatoo's direction, "What is this bird doing here? You're not going to cook him, are you?"
Toby raised his crest and clacked his beak, then lunged for Schultz' finger. "I think he knows what you're saying," Kinch commented. "He doesn't like it when anyone talks about putting him on the menu." The big white bird let out a psychotic laugh as Schultz quickly backed away. "Andrew found him," Kinch continued. "We're teaching him some tricks for our next show. We want to put on a talent contest. Colonel Hogan's going to talk to Klink about it this afternoon. Maybe the Kommandant will play the violin."
"Do you boys have any extra ear plugs?" Schultz groaned. Then, looking down at the table, he spouted, "Carter! Your bird is eating my stew!
"Eh bien," LeBeau commented, "at least he has good taste."
#########
A week went by and Toby had learned several tricks. He could now play basketball, roll over, hop through a series of hoops, and a few other standard parrot tricks. He could also strut like Klink while yelling "H-o-o-gan!" and imitate Schultz's "Raus, Raus" and "Roll call—schnell." He even learned Hochstetter's exasperated "What is this man doing here?" Newkirk was practicing some new magic tricks and had added a juggling routine. LeBeau was trying out some new songs. Men in the other barracks had gotten into the spirit as well. Hogan had even convinced the Kommandant to award the winning barracks a slice of white bread every day for a week—all in the name of morale-building. All-in-all, the 'distraction' was shaping up well. A special courier was delivering the new codebook in three days, so the "talent contest" had been scheduled for the evening in question.
#########
"Colonel, we got a problem," Kinch said as he came into the barracks. Burkhalter just showed up and Hochstetter's right behind him. They couldn't have picked a worse day."
"Yeah," Hogan replied, shaking his head. "My office, now. Let's get the coffee pot on. We need info!" As the men gathered around the listening device, they heard Klink's effusive welcome to his commanding officer and his Gestapo antagonist and rival. "General Burkhalter," the flustered Kommandant spluttered, "how nice to see you. And Major Hochstetter, I'm always happy to help the Gestapo."
"Yeah, sure," muttered Hogan as the other Heroes nodded in agreement. "Klink's always trying to butter up the brass," added Kinch, as Burkhalter's voice telling the German Colonel to shut up and listen came over the speaker.
"You have received the codebook?" the General questioned. At Klink's affirmative answer, he continued, "You will keep it under lock and key tonight and post a guard in the outer office. All prisoners are to remain under lockdown in their barracks. Nothing must happen to this codebook."
Hogan rubbed his hand through his dark hair and squinted with the start of a headache. "Looks like we've got a problem. The office and compound will be crawling with Kraut guards." He paced back and forth in his small office, hunting for an idea, when Carter spoke up, "Does that mean the show is cancelled?" Hogan suddenly stopped. "Burkhalter wants us on lockdown? What a better place than the Rec Hall when the whole camp is watching the show? I'll issue a special invitation to our German friends to enjoy the evening!"
Hogan straightened his bomber jacket and set his crush cap on the back of his head. As he opened the barracks door, Schultz tried to stop him. "Colonel Hogan," the guard stuttered, "You have to stay in the barracks! I will be in trouble if you don't!"
"You'll be in more trouble if I do," came the snappy rejoinder. "I'm gonna invite Burkhalter and Hochstetter to our show tonight. Do them good to get out of the office and socialize with some friendly guests of the Third Reich!"
Schultz groaned, "I know nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G," as Hogan walked past him and walked up the steps and into the camp office. Winking at Fraulein Hilda, the American officer pushed open the office door. "Morning, Kommandant," he greeted. Then, feigning surprise, he added, "Oh, sorry. Didn't know you had visitors. I can come back later if you're busy, but the men will be so disappointed . . ."
Hochstetter's face got tomato-red as he bellowed, "What is this man doing here?" Hogan choked back a laugh as he thought of just how well Carter's pet parrot had the Gestapo major's mannerisms down.
"What do you mean, 'The men will be so disappointed'?" questioned Burkhalter, wondering what the brash American was up to now.
"Well, general, the men were planning a show tonight in honor of Wagner's birthday—he's Hitler's favorite composer, you know," Hogan began innocently, "and we wanted to invite you and the major to attend. Colonel Klink will be playing his violin. But, of course, you're probably too busy, what with the war and all."
Burkhalter thought for a moment. Sitting through an amateur camp show was not his idea of an evening's entertainment—and it most definitely wasn't the always impatient Gestapo officer's—but it would be a good way to know where all the prisoners were. That alone would be worth suffering through one of Klink's painful violin recitals! "On the contrary," the corpulent general responded, "Major Hochstetter and I will be delighted to attend." Burkhalter glared at the major, who looked almost apoplectic with barely suppressed rage. "You will be delighted to attend, Major. That is an order, not a request."
Hogan thought about grabbing a couple of Klink's cigars, but decided the office was too crowded to risk it. "See you tonight," he smirked as he left the office and headed back to the barracks for a last-minute strategy session.
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"Colonel," Carter began, "if Hochstetter and Burkhalter want us under strict guard, are we still gonna be able to get that code book?"
Hogan grinned, "We certainly are—and here's how we're gonna do it. You and Newkirk will be in the first half of the show—you'll be the last act there. Then you and Toby, guarded by none other that our buddy Schultzie, will go to entertain the guards in Klink's office. I'm sure Toby won't mind doing an encore. Meanwhile, Newkirk, you'll take the camera and sneak through the tunnel . . ." Hogan continued to outline his plan as the guys nodded and laughed. The C.O. ended with, "Carter, make sure there's film in the camera this time." Carter blushed at the memory of a past mishap and answered, "I double checked. There's film in the camera!"
#########
Hoots, cheers, and laughter erupted from the Rec Hall as the Wagner's Birthday Celebration got underway with Newkirk's latest juggling and magic act. The British corporal began with a plate, cup, and large spoon, then added more and more things—LeBeau's frying pan ("Be sure it comes back in one piece," the Frenchman had warned.), a book, Hogan's crush cap, and, finally, a potato. He ended the routine by catching each object and tossing it to someone in the audience. Hochstetter caught the potato, much to the enjoyment of the prisoners, who watched the annoyed Major fumble with it as he yelled "Bah!" Even Burkhalter could hardly restrain a laugh at the discomfited Gestapo officer. Two singers and a comedian later, Carter came on with Toby. The bird was—as is usual for ever-gregarious and highly energetic cockatoos—completely in his element; after all, he had a large, appreciative audience and did all his tricks to perfection. His imitations of Colonel Kink produced roars of laughter, with Toby laughing right along with the delighted audience. He flounced, he strutted, he played catch, he rolled over, he attempted to sing, he even stole Carter's hat, put it over his own head, and bounced around, squawking, "I see nothing, N-O-T-H-I-N-G!" Given the cheers as Toby finished his act and raised his left foot to wave "bye-bye," it looked like Barracks 2 would take first place in the "white-bread-for-a-week" contest.
"You know, Kommandant," Hogan mentioned off-handedly, "it's too bad that the guards on duty in the office couldn't see that last act. They'd really love it. Ya think that Carter could take Toby over there? Schultz could guard him—that way there'd be no chance of escape. He'd be back in plenty of time for your violin solo."
"Impossible!" the German colonel roared. "Hogan, you know that those men are on guard duty. They have no time for frivolous entertainment."
Hochstetter saw his chance to escape any more of the performance. "Perhaps I could accompany him as well. That would prevent any monkey business. And I did enjoy the bird's Klink imitation All he needed was a monocle!" Then, turning to Burkhalter as if seeking permission, he added with a snide smile, "What do you think, my dear General?"
"Why not?" Burkhalter responded. With that Carter, Toby, Schultz, and one disgruntled Gestapo officer headed for Klink's office, Toby yelling "Achtung! Schnell! Ho-o-ogan!" at the top of his lungs. The ear-splitting screeches caused Hochstetter to mutter, "What is this bird doing here? What am I doing here?"
Arms folded, a sneer on his face, Major Hochstetter leaned against the wall in the outer office. He marveled at what he considered the guards' simple-minded stupidity. To find the juvenile antics of a bird comical! Of course, that Klink imitation was good; too bad the fowl didn't do one of Burkhalter as well, he thought with a snicker. Between the guards' laughter and Toby's squawks, he never heard Newkirk's clandestine movements as the British safecracker retrieved the new codebook and quickly photographed each page. His task completed, the corporal returned the book to the safe and ducked into the tunnel entrance hidden under the stove in the Kommandant's quarters. Then, after a fast detour to leave camera and film in Carter's lab, he re-entered the Rec Hall through a backstage tunnel, gave his commanding officer a thumbs up, and went on stage for another magic routine.
Klink's violin solo was mercifully short; Hochstetter timed his return to coincide with the final curtain. "Nothing!" the major noted. Burkhalter simply nodded—how could anything have happened when all the prisoners were under observation for the last two hours? He ordered the flustered camp Kommandant to send all prisoners to their barracks and post extra guards and then headed for the guest quarters and a glass of Klink's brandy.
#########
Hogan paced impatiently in the radio room under the barracks as he waited for Carter to develop the film. The dark room door opened and a grinning Carter stepped out, waving a strip of film. "Newkirk got it all!" the young sergeant exclaimed. "Great!" answered his C.O. "Kinch," he turned to the radioman, "Contact London and let them know that the film will be on its way tomorrow by the usual channels. Good job, everyone—oh, and Toby, too."
"Colonel," Carter stammered, "does that mean that I can keep him?"
The dark-haired officer shook his head. "Sorry, Andrew. He did a wonderful job tonight, but he really is too much of a distraction. We'll need to find him a new home, right after I figure out a way to explain his presence to Klink in the first place! And I have an idea who will take him."
Next morning at roll call, the Kommandant gave Hogan a malevolent stare. "In my office, Colonel," he ordered in an uncharacteristically harsh manner. The American nodded and followed Klink in an apparently dejected fashion. In reality, Hogan saw this early morning meeting as a chance to solve the "what to do about Toby" problem in the best way possible.
Once in the office, Klink sat behind his desk; he was soon joined by his superior officer and Major Hochstetter, who demanded, "Hogan, where did you get that bird?" Klink echoed, "Yes, Hogan, where did you get him?" The senior POW officer answered somewhat politely, "Carter found him. We discovered that Toby had hidden talents, so we put him in the show. You saw what a hit he was! Even the guards enjoyed his routine! And I already told Carter that we can't keep him. After all, he's probably a very valuable bird and there might be a reward for his return to his owner." Klink looked interested at the mention of a reward. Since the bird was at his Stalag, the reward should be his. "Very well, Hogan," the German answered. "I will make inquiries in town. Dismissed!"
"And since I am in over-all charge of all Luftstalags, the reward is mine," Burkhalter broke in, much to Klink's dismay!
#########
"Got in contact with Schnitzer," Kinch reported as Hogan returned to the barracks. "As soon as Klink starts looking for Toby's 'owner,' Oscar will claim him. He'll tell our beloved Kommandant that Toby belongs to a friend who has offered a small reward, which will naturally belong to Klink. Whether Klink shares it with Burkhalter is his problem!"
"Thanks, Kinch," Hogan replied. "How's Andrew taking it?"
"He's gonna miss Toby, but he knows he'll be able to visit him in Hammelburg when he goes there on assignment. Toby will be waiting for him when we march out of here under the Stars and Stripes!"
"And the Union Jack," added Newkirk, as LeBeau chimed in, "Don't forget the Tricolor!"
"And Toby will be carrying all three flags in his beak!" exclaimed Carter, as he scritched his beloved pet's feathers.
"You got it, Andrew!" answered Hogan with a grin.
-30-30-30-
Note: Toby is an Umbrella Cockatoo. Umbies are highly intelligent and like nothing better than to please their persons. He is modeled after a real cockatoo who can do most of the tricks mentioned in the story. If you want to know more about these wonderful birds, there are many excellent websites, especially "Cockatoo Heaven."