It's All Coming Back to Me Now
Sophie's boat had disappeared from the dark horizon at least an hour ago. All of the wedding guests were coming down from unmatchable highs, laughing lowly as they retreated to their lodgings around the Villa Donna. In a matter of minutes, the courtyard was deserted, sparkling under the waters of Aphrodite's fountain, puddles mirroring the flawless moon slung overhead. The tables and chairs of the reception were scattered like bones across a battlefield. A quiet filled the breezy air. The world went to sleep after a glorious, long-awaited celebration.
Donna looked upon the place she had given herself tirelessly to for fifteen years. Leaning against the wall of her crumbling hotel, she sighed, a feeling ballooning her a chest. Her insides opposed the calm of her surroundings; she was overwhelmed in every feeling imaginable – shock, exhaustion, fear, sadness, elation. Especially elation. Her unexpected rupture of happiness flooded her entire body just as the waters of the goddess of love had done to her courtyard. She smiled and took a deep breath. Then, without a thought, she looked down at her left hand. The thin gold band that had been meant for her daughter winked up at her, as if to say, 'I told ya so.' Her insurmountable emotions rose up like a wave and she let out a small, soft cry, wiping a runaway tear from her lashes.
-There were nights when the wind was so cold that my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window-
Donna managed to tear her stare away from her wedding ring, but the feeling that looking down at such an object and knowing just what it meant did not leave her. It embedded itself into her. She looked up at the glittering night sky, taking on the weight of permanence. But it was not a bad weight. It was an amazing weight. It was the weight of the permanence she felt when she first held Sophie in her arms, or when she realized that she and Rosie and Tanya would always be more than best friends, but sisters for their rest of their crazy lives. A sigh filled her mouth as she began to tremble. Oh, it was the best weight in the world.
-There were days when the sun was so cruel that all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever-
Donna had always maintained that the expression on a person's face meant everything. As a singer, she knew the importance of truly connecting with an audience. She could always work a crowd with her winks and smiles and flourishes of her head. As an overworked hotelier, one who was raising a rambunctious child by herself and who had not had the comfort of a man in her life for so long, she discovered the necessity of putting on a brave face. A person's expression meant everything. The look in their eye said it all, and Donna knew it. That was why when Sam Carmichael, the man who had stolen her heart and broken it twenty-one years ago, got down on his knee and proclaimed his undying love to her, she had no choice but to say 'I do.' It may have seemed unbelievable, but when she looked at him, she knew. He did love her. He always had. He knew how big of an idiot he had been all those years ago. He wanted to marry her, even after so many years, despite her cold reception of him.
"Mrs. Carmichael," she heard herself whisper into the night. A slight, satisfied smile curled her freshly-kissed lips. "Mrs. Donna Carmichael. How do you do? I'm Donna Carmichael. Yes, Sam's wife."
Her heart thumped intensely in her, so much so that she had to push her hand against her breast. The vibration that traveled through her palm seemed to shake the entire island. She was Sam's wife. Sam was her husband. She squeezed her teary eyes shut and leaned her head against the rough wall, trying to just breath regularly. She was battered by the realization that she had been right all those years ago, despite her age and vulnerability – Sam was the one.
-I finished crying in the instant that you left, and I can't remember where or when or how-
"Only you would stay at a party even when it's over."
Donna's eyes shot open. There he was, directly across the courtyard, standing coolly in the dark doorway. She felt her knees buckle faintly. He was devilishly handsome. The years had certainly been good to that old hippie who used to draw on every surface available. That lopsided grin was still the same, and it made her heart hurt. God, she had missed that smile. And those lips… their first kiss in twenty-one years was the sweetest sensation she had ever known. And his eyes. Oh, they were undeniably Sam's eyes. Nothing had changed about them, including the way they glowed when they looked at Donna. Her hurt and anger – and alarming attraction – towards him had prevented her from seeing it the past two days, but now she was basking in it. Her entire body grew warm when she looked into those eyes.
-And I banished every memory you and I had ever made…-
After a moment, she pulled herself back into reality enough to reply to him.
"The party is just starting for me," she called out.
His wily grin widened as he began towards her. She felt her heart flush, and she looked down at his feet moving across the cobblestone in an attempt to control her feelings. She pressed into the wall, despite a growing desire to be closer to him.
Sam stopped just a few feet away from her. "Donna Carmichael," he said softly, forcing her to look him in the eye. When their gazes connected, a tender peace mixed with a heated passion and settled upon the two of them. She tried to smile at him but she could barely catch her breath. He slowly slipped his hands onto her hips, causing her to shudder like she hadn't done in years. She could look nowhere but at him now; she was powerless, and she knew and loved it.
"My beautiful bride," he said lovingly, still smiling. "Finally, after all these years."
A rush of emotion moved through her; she laughed to cover up the tears building over her eyes.
"Finally." She shoved him playfully. "It took you long enough, Sam Carmichael."
He nodded, staring at her as if she was the answer to his prayers (as if she was anything less). "It certainly did," he said.
Without warning, he pressed his lips into hers, pinning her against the hotel he had drawn up, the one they had dreamed of running together. The taut feelings in her chest dispersed like fog as Sam kissed her. His love for her was all she knew. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she took up his rugged face in her hands.
"My God, I missed you," she got in in between fantastic kisses.
-But when you touch me like this, and you hold me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me-
Sam reluctantly broke free from his new wife and stepped back, taking a good, lingering look at her. He rubbed at his lips with a boyish charm. His chest heaving in and out, he slapped his hand against his muscular leg.
"You know, you weren't the best hostess this weekend," he said.
Donna was surprised by the words, even though she knew they were true. "How so?" she asked.
"Well, for starters, you did not give me a tour of this charming little hotel." He began walking around the courtyard, pretending to inspect the place. "I mean, I have seen the true highlight of the place – the old goat house – but the rest of my dream villa remains a mystery." He stopped and looked at her. "What are we going to do about that?"
She shivered; she couldn't even hide it, nor did she want to. She moved toward him, brought her face so close to his, as if she were about to brush her lips against his, and basked in the want in his eye. She smiled slightly, teasingly. She wanted him too, more than anything, but she wouldn't let him have her that easily. He had made her wait, so she would make him wait.
-When I hold you like this, and I touch you like that, it's so hard to believe that it's all coming back to me-
"Donna," he whispered into her hair, his breath caressing her skin. It took all she had, but she managed to pull away from him. She moved backward toward the doorway.
"Welcome to the Villa Donna, sir," she said in a mock tour guide voice. She threw up her arms, taking her drying pink shawl off as she did so. She tossed it to Sam as she moved inside. "This is the finest establish you'll find in all the islands, so I do hope you'll enjoy your stay here."
"I think I will," Sam said, following her.
-There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light-
Donna approached a wooden door and pried it open as she gracefully removed one of her sandals. She glanced inside the dark room for a cursory moment.
"This is my office," she said. "This is where I have been running my business every day for the past fifteen years." She took off the other sandal and tossed them both aside, smirking at Sam. "And since you volunteered yourself to be bossed around on my island, I guess you can have… that closet over there."
Sam leaned against the railing of the stairs, looking as adorable as ever. "Well, my New York office was quite spacey. I was in need of a downsize."
The two continued their tour. Donna pulled Sam by his shirt down the dim hall that was silent with the exception of the quiet roar of the retreating tide in the distance. She slowly undid one of his buttons as she neared the next door.
"This is" – she shook her head, momentarily out of this game and thrown into a gust of passing disbelief – "was Sophie's room." She ran her hand against the doorframe tenderly, sighing. She missed her girl already.
Seeing his new wife go through a minor fit of distress, one he was sure he would see more of as the days without Sophie came again and again, Sam said, "You know, I can see how you could fall prey to Harry and Bill. They are quite the guys."
Donna laughed, moving toward the stairs. "Sam, you know me. You think I fell prey to them?"
Sam laughed as well, coming in dangerously close to Donna as she moved up the first step. He held her gaze so that she could not look away. He took in her scent, a perfume so faded that he thought it might just be his strong memory.
"We're all lucky," he said, "to have Sophie in our lives." He reached out and brushed a loose tendril of soft blonde hair behind her ear. "We're all lucky to have even met her mother."
-There were things I'd never do again but then they always seemed right-
Donna could feel herself start to cry, but she managed to beat back her feelings. Taking an imperceptible gulp, she regained herself, straightening up her back, tossing her shoulders. She was Donna. She didn't fall prey.
"The tour's not done," she said, going in for the next of Sam's buttons. She slowly moved down his shirt, explaining just how she ran her hotel.
"Everyone pulls their own weight, and when they all screw up, that's when I come in." She finished with the last button and looked up into her husband's face. "It's tough being a bitch, but somebody has to do it."
Sam reached around Donna and rested his arms on her shoulders. His fingers felt around for the zipper on her dress. He gave it a slight pull; she felt her heart skip a beat.
"There's no need for bitchiness now," he remarked in that charming voice. "You've got your own personal whipping boy now."
The breath vanished from Donna's chest. "Oh do I?" She pulled very slowly at his open white shirt.
"You've got me for life, babe," he promised.
-There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow, baby, baby-
Donna dropped Sam's shirt onto the floor. She ran her hands over his chest, watching his gaze grow hungrier and hungrier. Neither of them were going to be able to wait much longer. She moved up the stairs, reminding herself to keep the game going, despite her half naked husband smiling mischieviously up at her.
"There's only one room up here," she said.
"Really? Well it's just one room. Can't be much to see."
Donna stopped at the top step. She didn't move, didn't blink. She was not sure if she was even breathing. Sam stared at her, anxious, wondering what exactly she was thinking. An impulse made her reach out to touch his cheek, but she forced her hand back. She wanted to say something that summed it all up, everything wonderful thing she felt, but all she could manage was "This is a very special part of the tour. Only VIPs get to come up here."
Sam's smirk deepened; he instantly grew even sexier. "Hmmm, only VIPs? Well, I shouldn't miss the opportunity then."
Donna's hands undid his belt in a swift motion; it clanked as it hit the stairs.
"No more missed opportunities," she whispered, a tremble in her certain voice.
-If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that, it was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me-
They came into the room quietly. Donna flipped on the lights, surveying what her life had been confined to for over a decade. She looked over at her bed and suppressed a sigh. So many lonely nights. So much crying, and then, after the tears stopped, so many nights hardening herself, growing numb, forgetting how much it had all hurt. She forget how love tasted, sounded, felt. She concentrated everything on this hotel and Sophie. She felt a jolt go through her when Sam's fingers sweetly wrapped around hers.
"And what's this place?" he whispered seductively, turning to her.
"This," she breathed, resting her hand on the button of his pants, "is my bedroom."
"I like it," he murmured. He looked around as if it was one of his design projects brought to life (which it was, more or less). "You mind if we share?"
Donna couldn't help but laugh. She loved more than anything that it was still undoubtedly Sam standing here with her. The same man, but there was more love. There was more trust. There were more lessons learned. This was how it was supposed to be, two adults with the world strapped to their backs. Tonight, the world was staying outside.
Sam's pants slid to the ground. He put his hands on his hips and narrowed his dark eyes at her.
"That's a little presumptuous, wouldn't you say?"
She brought her left hand up to her face, wriggling her ring finger. "I think it's safe to say that this means you will never wear pants around me again, mister."
Sam didn't let up. "Well, that'd be risky for business," he said with a shrug, "but then again, you never know until you try."
Laughing, the two of them threw their arms around each other and held on as if they had not been separated in twenty-one years. They kept laughing until their lips met.
-If you want me like this, and if you need me like that, it was dead long ago but it's all coming back to me. It's so hard to resist and it's all coming back to me. I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now-
They collapsed on her bed, mouths never breaking contact. He moved himself so that she was on top of him, her hair brushing up against his face, the heat coming off of her body mingling with his. He pulled down the rest of her dress's zipper. When it was lying a heap around her waist, Sam finally stopped kissing her and looked up at a scene he had not seen in so long, too long. She gazed down at him ethereally, never appearing more beautiful.
"I love you," she said, running her hand through his hair. She bit back her quivering lip. "My God, Sam, I'm always going to love you. There's just no stopping it."
He stared at her for one more long moment, watching the past twenty-one years of his life flash by. It was dull, gray, substantial but lacking this brilliant light. He felt his eye tear but he blinked it away. He pulled her body down on his, holding on gently, soaking up of softness of her bare skin.
"I love you," he whispered directly into her ear as he kicked her dress off to the foot of the bed.
-There were those empty threats and hollow lies, and whenever you tried to hurt me I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper-
When he first moved in her, it all came in a quick rush. Donna gasped, forgetting and at once remembering what it was to be loved by Sam Carmichael. It had been so long since a moment like this. The dim memories that had drifted away over time had not even been close. It started off slow, tender, one's lips hovering over the other's. He whispered her name, told her how much he loved her, how much he had missed her. She couldn't speak, couldn't think. There was nothing else but him and her, together, finally, as if they had never been apart.
-But you were history with the slamming of the door, and I made myself so strong again somehow. And I never wasted any of my time on you since then…-
Their pace picked up. Donna drew herself out of her feelings bringing back the past. She made herself present. She drank in the reality of him being here now, years later, her husband. They moved faster, the heat rising, the sensation only growing more and more right. She called out to him, smiling, laughing, memorizing every new touch as it came up. Wherever his lips rested, she felt herself be born again. And then, when it came in a wave like no other, she rode it blissfully, tears painting her face as he did the same. When it finished, they collapsed together, holding each other, kissing each other. He pressed his lips to her tears and hummed their song so softly that her heart ached. Grasping onto him tightly, she felt everything change and stay wonderfully the same at the same time. Here they were. It was all said and done.
-If you forgive me all this… if I forgive you all that… we forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me-
An hour drew on. The horizon outside of her window grew the faintest shade of pale gray-pink. She had seen that same infant sunrise many times, but now it was full of hope. Now, when the sun rose, she would have the man she loved in her arms. And he was not going anywhere. She knew in exactly how he held her that he was hers forever, both emotionally and physically. A satisfaction crept into her body that gave her more security than anything had in years.
For that hour, neither one spoke. They just lied and breathed together, kissing flesh occasionally, nuzzling every once in a while. And then, as simultaneous spikes of desire and exhaustion rose in her, she looked up at her husband and said, "I would only ever give you my heart to break and mend again."
Sam felt his heart catch in his throat. Oh, the sound of her voice, saturated in love, as beautiful as music, so smooth in his ear. He couldn't believe he was hearing it again. He turned his head and looked down into Donna's open face. It was vulnerable, earnest, and ready. More than anything, Donna Sheridan Carmichael looked ready. Finally, she had caught up with how he had felt the moment he received that wedding invitation.
"We're going to have a wonderful life together," he assured her softly. "I promise I will love you more and more every day."
"Even when I yell at you?" she asked.
"Even then," he said.
"And when I'm too tired for mind-blowing sex?"
"Even when it's only nerve-jostling."
"And when I'm a mother, and a businesswoman, and a Dynamo, and a happy wife all rolled into one?"
He smiled contently, his heart moved. He rested his forehead against hers and stared deep into her loving blue eyes.
"Then most of all."
-When you see me like this, and when I see you like that, we see just what we want to see, all coming back to me. The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me-
They slept curled up together for a few hours. Donna woke for no reason to soft Greek sunlight teeming in through her window, and when she was thrown back into reality, it took a moment for it all come back. But it did. And when it did, a huge smile broke out on her face. She rested her chin on Sam's chest, breathing in deeply just to make sure it was all real. His eyes fluttered open a minute later. When he saw her looking at him, his lips mirrored hers before they went in for a kiss.
"Mornin', Mrs. Carmichael."
"Mornin', Mr. Carmichael."
He held her close yet again, smoothing out her hair as she leaned against the heavy vibrations coming through his chest.
"You didn't look surprised this morning," she said.
"Surprised by what?" he asked.
She squeezed him tight, pressing her nose and mouth into his belly. "By waking up here, next to me."
Sam lifted up Donna's chin so that they only had eyes for each other. He leaned in and kissed her like it was their first kiss, like it meant everything. When they broke apart, he said to her, "This is what I have wanted from the day I meant you, Donna."
-I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now…-
They lied together for a half hour more, then they accepted the fact that they had to get up and get on with life. They had friends, guests, and a hotel to tend to. Their hotel.
"I'm getting in the shower," Sam said as he opened the door of the tiny bathroom. He leaned in and gave his wife a quick peck. "Maybe I'll see you in there." He winked like the happy young man he still was and shut the door.
Donna leaned against the door when she heard the water running. Looking up at the ceiling, smiling happily, she let it all sink in one last time. This was the first day of the rest of her life. This was the most joyous morning she had ever known, a morning full of renewal and promise. This was it. She sighed, turned, and giggled like a schoolgirl as she shut herself in the bathroom. There was only one clear thought as she ecstatically joined her husband under the steamy waters, a thought she vocalized before he took her in his arms.
"Mamma Mia, here we go again."
- = -
So, that was my songfic. I think it fit well, though I have to admit, it wasn't my idea to connect the two. Even still, I enjoyed writing this. I tried to stay as close to the characterization set down in the play/film and still keep it romantic because, if there's anything I have learned from reading the other great fics under Mamma Mia here, it's that we all wished we could keep following Donna and Sam that night. Two thumbs ways up, Meryl and Pierce. As a die-hard fan of the stage version of the musical, I dole out mucho chemistry props : )