The Hardest Thing to Say

Sam couldn't say yes, wouldn't say yet, not to Lucifer. Dean kept wavering towards agreeing to Michael to save his brother, but Sam would never allow his brother to sacrifice himself for him. No more than Dean would allow Sam to. They fought like cat and dog about it all the time. Bobby had been forced to come between them again and again. Sam wasn't a kid anymore; it was about time his big brother realised that.

Bobby used to bring Sam a whisky, and come to chat and make sure that the kid was okay. Truth was Sam hadn't been okay in a long time. Not since he had stood over Dean's mauled body, knowing that he was in Hell and knowing that it was completely his fault. Dean had died to bring him back to life, and Sam hadn't been able to stop it! Sam hadn't been okay since he had started to try and fill the gap that Dean had left in his life and his heart. Not since he had started drinking the demon blood just to get through the day.

What had started as a way to become stronger and carry on fighting the good fight had ended up as a weakness, an addiction that he couldn't exist without. It was a natural to him now to drink blood, as it was to breath. And the high he got when he drank was so amazing, far better than any drug or bottle. He'd certainly dabbled with a little of both when he had been alone and desperate to escape the pain of his loss. Anything to get to another dawn. Yet another day without Dean and another night with some cheap whore in his bed.

The again, since Dean had been back they had both done nothing but fight and argue. He was all over Sam about the angel/demon deal. Wouldn't give him a moment's peace, and when he had found out about Ruby and the blood he had locked him up until he detoxed. If Dean knew he was drinking again he'd kick his ass, but he couldn't give it up. He needed an escape from all this sorrow, and that was his only response.

The last fight had been so bad, Sam had grabbed his stuff and bailed while Dean had been sleeping. He'd changed his cell number, his habits and tried his best to disappear complexly. Bobby had the number, and he called now and then, but half the time Sam didn't pick up. He just wanted to be left alone, in peace to try and rest.

Lucifer had other ideas, he tormented Sam's dreams, never leaving him alone for a second. He might sleep a handful of hours every few days. The rest of the time he existed on a diet of sugar, coffee, whisky and demon blood to keep himself going. Sam didn't want to sleep, when he closed his eyes even for a second, the face of his tormentor was there. So the boy forced himself to stay awake as long as he humanly could. Passing out now and then, and forcing himself back awake again.

Time passed, days turning into weeks, weeks into months. Time passed so strangely for Sam, he carried on hunting as best he could, but things seemed to get more and more disjointed. He could barely tell when he was awake or sleeping anymore. He wanted to very badly to give up, he was exhausted in mind, body and spirit from Lucifer's tortures.

"You know you will give in eventually Sammie!" Lucifer taunted as Sam opened the motel door.

The boy sighed, dropping his change and keys into a bowl behind the door on the sideboard. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and collapsed on the bed drinking it. Trying to ignore the devil as he sat on the bed next to him. Sam flicked open his phone scrolling down to dean's number, thinking about calling it. Finally giving up, and begging his brother to help me. He needed him so very badly right now.

"You know he doesn't want you Sammie, you know he wishes you had never been born! He's happy you left, ecstatic in fact. He gave you to me Sam, pushed you away until you could take it no longer. But here I am, with my arms open waiting for you. Sam Winchester I welcome you, as you are. With no limits, no boundaries, and no conditions to my love for you. I accept and love you in a way your brother never can; it would disgust him to even try. I understand you, respect you. Now let me take away your pain, and join with me. I can make you whole once more!" Lucifer begged.

Sam dialled the number trying not to show how true the words Lucifer used sounded. The need to hear Dean's voice after so long was over whelming. He needed to hear some comfort right now, or he swore he would break.

"What do you want?" Dean demanded, "I thought I was finally free of your bullshit, but here you are again!"

"Dean, I'm sorry for everything, I need to see you please!" Sam asked.

"Oh look, the whiney brother returns." Dean said rolling his eyes, "Sammie just face facts, you are a screw up as a brother. A blood drinking vampire. A monster that any good hunter would destroy on sight. Read my lips Sam Winchester, leave me alone!" he snapped the call off.

At least that's how the call went from Sam's side, what he heard. For Dean it was a totally different conversation. When Dean had seen the number come up on his phone, Dean's heart had skipped a beat. He had been tearing up and down the countryside searching for his brother for months. He'd always been just one or two steps behind him, pulling into town a day or two after Sam had moved on. He'd never given up hope, he'd rung his brother a thousand times with no response. So for Sam to actually call him, he was dumbstruck, it was more then he deserved for Sam to give him another chance.

Snapping his phone open, Dean answered the call trying to stop his voice from cracking from the worry that he could have lost the only good thing in his life. "Sammie, where are you? How are you? I've been worried sick?"

When Sam said he needed to see him, he sounded so broken, so defeated. "Anywhere, anytime Sammie. Just tell me and I will be there. I promise, just tell me what to do here." Dean promised.

A long pause, a tearful Sam answered. "I can't believe you just said that Dean. I'm not a monster, am I?"

Dean was confused, then realised that Sam wasn't hearing him right. "Sammie, I never called you a monster, its Lucifer screwing with your head. Now hold on!"

The Sam said five words which chill his brother to the bone, five words he had never wanted to hear come from his brother's mouth.

"I wish I was dead." Sam whispered.

"Sammie, hold on I'm coming to get you, I swear I'm gonna save you this time!" Dean said, but the phone had cut off after a bang. It sounded like his brother had thrown it against the wall. Checking the GPS signal which was still weakly broadcasting, he found Sam's location. Over 2000 miles away, "Damn you Sammie, but I'm coming. Just don't do anything stupid before I get there!"

Sam couldn't hear him, the words Lucifer had placed in his mind were all he could think about. He was so tired, so weak, he just didn't want to think anymore. Tears came slowly at first, then faster and harder as he let the sorrow bleed from his soul. The crushing loss of his brother, and life and he knew it. He could take no more, not now.

Lucifer laid his hand on Sam's shoulder, "I would never speak to you like that brother, I would never abandon you like Dean does. I promise you that Sam."

"Get away from me!" Sammie snapped, pushing the angel figure away from him. Sam knew what he had to do to end this torment. He picked up the pistol from under his pillow, and made sure it was loaded.

"You think I will allow you to do that?" Lucifer asked.

"You don't have a choice!" Sam answered, shoving the tip in his mouth and blowing the top of his own head clean off without a moment's hesitation.

"Poor misguided fool!" Lucifer said, touching the boys forehead, watching the bone knitting back together slowly. Followed by the soft tissue, muscles, and finally skin. Sam came to with a deep gasp of air. "Damn you!" he snapped, trying to regain control of his breathing.

"No Sam, you are the damned one. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for you." Lucifer said and vanished.

Crying again, Sam crossed to the first aid kit removing bottles of pain relief. He swallowed them all, downed with a good dose of whisky. Sam relaxed on the bed, feeling the deadly cocktail doing its magic. Slowly shutting down his organs, as he drifted into blissful darkness and peace.

Sam awoke again hours later, perfectly fine. Lucifer had brought his soul back again. He cried himself to sleep that night.

It took Dean nearly two days to find his brother, in which time Sam had drunk poison, slit his own wrists, jumped from a tall building twice, electrocuted himself, jumped in front of a moving truck, slit his throat, drunk bleach, and was currently standing on a bridge in the middle of nowhere just outside town, in the middle of the night.

Lucifer had brought him back every time, Sam was losing the fight slowly. The hopelessness creeping in, he knew that death wasn't a permanent event, but at least it gave him a few hours of peace. When he was dead, before he was brought back that peace was all that kept him sane.

Dean found his brother by complete accident or fate perhaps. He was driving along, nodding off at the wheel from driving 16 hours straight as he crossed the bridge. He saw a guy on the ledge, and slammed the car into an emergency stop. Dean was out of the car before it even finished slowing down. The worry and horror on his face, when he realised who it actually was. "Sam, it's me Dean. Can you understand me?" he asked.

Sam turned to his brother with wild eyes, "Dean?" he asked.

"Yes, Sammie, it's me. Now you gonna come down and talk?" he asked. Dean had no idea what to do, this wasn't something that you could fix with a bandage, some stitches and a beer. This was raw emotion, total defeat, a Sam who's only escape was to die.

"I can't say yes to him, Dean." Sam said, "But I'm so close, I can't keep him out of my mind. I can't silence that voice, only in death am I ever free of it!"

"Sam, death is not the answer. We can sort this together, me and you. There's nothing we can't fit, if we work on it, together!" Dean said, his words half reminding him of a song.

"I'm a monster, I need to die, but he keeps bringing me back. I can't stop him!" Sam sobbed.

Dean reached up to touch the boy's hand, "I never called you a monster Sam, Lucifer made you think I did. It wasn't real!"

"IS that true?" Sam demanded, his head snapping to an empty spot where he clearly saw something no one else could.

Lucifer shrugged, "I only did what I did out of love for you. I am the better brother!"

"Love?" Sam exclaimed, "How can you call it love?"

Dean was losing him, he snapped his fingers to bring Sam's attention back towards him. "How many times have you tried to die Sam?" he asked, not wanting to know the answer, knowing it would hurt so bad, but he needed to know.

Sam shrugged, "I lost count." He said it with no emotion, nothing in his voice. Not even pain, he was too broken to feel anything.

It tore Dean's heart out, a single tear on his face. To think his brother was going through all of this alone, and he'd never known about it. His brother hid so much inside himself now, and Dean had been too fucked up with his own problems to know. The thought of his brother alone, and trying all this, make him want to throw up. The thought of losing the one good thing in his life crushed him.

Dean climbed onto the ledge with Sam. "If you want to do this Sam, then we do this together. Like a family, I won't let you die alone, not again!"

Sam looked at him confused, "I can't die Dean, Lucifer will bring me back. You will just die, I can't allow you to do that."

"If I can't dine you a reason to live, and be my brother. Then there isn't any point in me being alive without you. I can't exist without you Sammie, you are the other half of my soul, the better part of me." Dean implored.

Sam was confused, was Dean coming onto him? Surely not, Dean liked girls, not guys and girls in the plural if he could! Sam had always had dark feelings for Dean his whole life, but he had pushed them down. It wasn't right, wasn't natural and certainly not something you talked to your big brother about. If he could have told him, it might have explained exactly the nature of the hold Lucifer had on him. Giving him what he needed that he couldn't get elsewhere. Lucifer knew how he felt about his brother, and used it to his advantage.

"Sammie, did you hear me pouring my heart out over here like some Meg Ryan?" Dean asked.

Sam met his stare, "I don't know what you are trying to tell me."

"Oh Sammie, don't make me say this!" Dean said embarrassed. How do you tell your brother that you re in love with him! A boy you have seen grow up, seen naked in the shower, watched porn with! What if Sam was disgusted by him? He couldn't live with himself if he was.

"Oh shit!" Lucifer said, knowing exactly what was going off. The one thing left that Dean could pull to keep Sam with him.

"Why is Lucifer scared of you right now?" Sam asked.

"Is he now?" Dean asked interested, was he following the right path? Taking a breath and praying to anyone who would listen to his prayer that he wasn't making an ass of himself. Dean grabbed Sam's shoulders, mindful of the narrow ledge they were standing on and kissed his brother right on the lips. Sam froze, Dean could have died, and he never should have tried this. He was pushing his brother closer to Lucifer, not pulling him away.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam asked hoarsely.

"Cause I never wanted you to pull away like this! I knew what I felt was wrong, and you could never felt eh same way." Dean answered, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have touched you."

Sam laughed bitterly, "Oh if only you understand Dean you stupid idiot, you perfect fool!"

Dean wanted to jump himself now, just to escape this mocking laughter. Then a moment later he would be laughing to. As Sam kissed HIM back, his tongue tracing his way around Dean's lower lip.

"Don't Sammie!" Dean begged, trying not to get lost in the sensation he had craved for longer than he could remember, "Don't unless you mean it."

"I DO mean it!" Sam insisted breathily, kissing his brother again.

Dean couldn't believe what was happening, a minute ago Sam had been ready to jump, now he could feel his brother's erection pressing against his inner thigh. "Can we get down from here?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded, and allowed his brother to lead him back from the ledge and over to the impala. "Now are we going to talk about Lucifer and this lemming attitude you have adopted?" Dean asked softly, trying to control his emotions.

Sam shook his head firmly, ignoring Lucifer's taunting in the background that Dean didn't really love him, it was just a show. It wasn't a show at all, Dean was clearly as aroused as he was, his tight jeans showing Sam everything he wanted to see.

"We need to fix this Sammie, I don't want you running off like this again. I can't be worried about you killing yourself all the time." San insisted.

Sam moved in to pull is brother into a tight embrace, "Then give me something to life for."

Dean watched his baby brother, admiring his beautiful face his soft lips. Lips that just begged to e kissed, so Dean did. Again and again, roughly kissing and nipping at his brother's mouth. Sam kissed him back, forcing his tongue into his brother's mouth, darting in and out softly. Bringing them both a passion and a deep desire that they had both thought would forever be denied to them.

Dean pushed his brother back onto the impala, pushing him to lie over the hood. Sam pulled him down harder onto him, needing the feel of his brother's flesh against his own. Sam needed something to live for so badly, something to cling onto. Well then Dean would do his very best to supply that need. He'd never been with a man before, he wasn't entirely sure how to act, or what to do.

But as Sam started to undo his belt to release his straining muscle, Dean realised that they would work it out together. Just how it should be, and they had the rest of their lives to explore their bodies.

A car flashed past them, honking at its headlights caught them. "Get a room!" someone shouted.

Blushing Dean pulled his brother into the car, and started the engine up.

"I've got a motel room, a few miles from here?" Sam suggested.

Dean smiled, and followed his brother's instructions. "You gonna be okay kid?" he asked.

Sam laced his fingers through his brothers, "Yeah I think I will be"

Due to demand you can read part two of this story at the following link

.net/s/7935265/1/The_Hardest_Thing_To_Say_Part_Two