Bryony sat at the end of a long table, her shoulders and whiskers drooping.

Across from her sat Swartt Sixclaw, who was giving her a death glare and blowing rather loudly out his nose.

Bryony gave him a weak smile, not know that some of her salad was stuck between her teeth.

Swartt's wife, Bluefen, grimaced at the sight of the mousemaid's teeth but tried hard to smile back.

Bryony's husband, Veil, who was sitting up so stiffly that it almost looked painful, took a quick sip from his goblet, and about two seconds after he set the cup down again, burped.

"Oh, excuse me," Veil said, grinning sheepishly.

Bryony smiled. "Better out than in, eh, Veily?"

The two of them promptly starting laughing at their own private joke, but their laughter faded at the sight of Veil's parents raising their eyebrows.

"Oooh," sighed Veil.

"I guess not," mumbled Bryony, her whiskers drooping again.

Suddenly a loud clatter came from the kitchen.

"Hurr, what do ee meanin' 'not on ee list'?! Doan' ee be tellin' oi you'm doan' know who'm Oi be!"

All eyes turned towards the door as a greasy, hideous mole burst in, shouting, "Hurr, he-hey! What's be's happenin' everybeast? Thankee fer waitin'," he said, tugging his nose politely. "Hurr, Oi had ee hardest toime foindest this 'ere place." He pulled up a chair next to Bluefen.

"NO!" shouted Swartt, shaking a disgusted claw at the filthy mole. "Bad mole! DOWN!"

"Nonono, Dad, Dad!" interjected Veil, waving his paws. "It's alright, it's alright, he's with us. He helped rescue me from the foxes."

"Hurr, yessim, that be oi, ee humble hero," said Togget, stroking his digging claws. Then, turning his head towards the door, shouted, "Hurr, youm' waiter! How 'bout ee bowl for ee hero?!"

"Oh great," groaned Bryony. She picked up her spoon and accidently slurped on her soup.

"Um, Bry?" whispered Veil.

"Yeah? Oh, right. Excuse me for slurping, Mrs. Sixclaw, but your soup is so good. Mmm. . . ." the mousemaid added, rubbing her stomach.

"No, no, darling," hissed Veil, dunking his paws in his bowl, thus showing Bryony that the bowls were filled with water to wash their paws with, not soup to drink.

"Oh! Ah heh, ah heh heh, ehhh. . . ." said Bryony, noticing that even Togget had realized this before she had.

"So, Veil," said Bluefen, wiping her paws on her towel as the servants set out bowls of soup. "Tell us about where you live."

"Well," replied Veil, hesitating, then brightening up. "Bryony owns her own land. Don't you, honey?" he added, giving his wife a sort of nervous, grinning look.

"Oh yes!" said Bryony, catching on. "Heh heh, it's . . . a redstone fortress . . . abundant with gold and cute little jewelry and-"

"What?!" shouted Togget, giving a roar of laughter. "Oi knowen youm aint be talkin' about ee h'abbey!"

"Togget. . . ." growled Bryony, clutching her spoon.

"A mouse from an abbey," said Swartt sarcastically, reaching for his goblet. "Oh, how original."

Togget buried his face into his soup, earning another disgusted look from the warlord.

"Well, I'm quite certain it'll be an fine place to raise the children-" said Bluefen, but her sentence was cut off by Swartt and Bryony gagging on their wine and soup.

"Ahem, uh," said Bryony, after she and Swartt were finished, wiping at her whiskers. "Isn't it a bit early to thinking about that?"

"Indeed," agreed Swartt dryly, digging his spoon into his soup. "I just started eating."

"Swartt!" hissed Bluefen.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" demanded Bryony.

"Dad, it's great, alright?" said Veil.

"Well for her type, yes," replied Swartt, pointing his spoon at the mousemaid across from him.

"My type?!" Bryony cried shrilly, flames coming from her eyes.

"Hurr," said Togget nervously, sliding out of his seat. "Oi think Oi better bee goin' to ee barthroom. . . ."

Just then the double doors burst open and the servants laid out the food.

"Dinner is served!" shouted Zigu (who, for some reason, was the head chef around here).

Togget returned to his seat happily. "Never moind," he chirped. "Oi can hold it."

The platters were set down, Swartt and Bryony sending daggers at each other through their eyes.

"Bon appetite!" Zigu simpered with a flourish.

"Hurr!" said Togget, grinning. "Moi favorite!"

"Well," said Bluefen with a cheerful air, clasping her paws. "Let's not just sit here with our tummys growling. Everybeast dig in!"

"Don't moind iffen Oi do, Miz Bloofen," said Togget as he reached for a lobster.

"Well," said Swartt dryly as he snatched the lobster out of Togget's reach. "I suppose any grandchildren I can expect will be-"

"Redwallers," interrupted Bryony, barring her teeth at the warlord as she snatched a grayling. "Yes."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that, right Swartt?" Bluefen hurriedly put in, giving her husband a dark look.

"Oh no," said Swartt in an offhand voice as he sank a knife into the lobster. "That's assuming you don't outcast your own young."

"Dad. . . ." groaned Veil.

"Oh no," replied Bryony savagely, slicing the fish's head off. "We usually prefer the ones who've been abandoned in a ditch!"

"Bryony!" cried Veil, aghaust.

"I did it because I loved him!" objected Swartt, snarling.

"Oh sure," said Bryony sarcastically. "Nursery school or cold, muddy ditchwater filled with lovely frogspawn!"

Veil dropped his head into his paw.

"You wouldn't understand! You're not his father!" shouted Swartt.

Soon food was flying through the air as both warlord and mousemaid took their rage out on their meal, squeezing fruit, cracking nuts, snapping fish-bones.

"It's so nice to have the family together for dinner," Bluefen murmured, forcing a smile that swiftly dwindled.

Swartt stood up.

Bryony stood up.

They each grabbed at a large crab at the center of the table and pulled their hardest.

Next thing they knew the lobster was flying up into the air.

"Swartt!" gasped Bluefen, glaring at her husband.

"Bry!" cried Veil, glaring at his wife.

"Veil!" complained Bryony, pointing at Swartt.

"Veil!" retorted Swartt, pointing back at Bryony.

"Mom!" whined Veil, turning to his mother.

"Swartt!" said Bluefen, turning back to her husband.

"Togget!" shouted Togget, grinning.

BAM!

The crab landed right back in the center of the table, only it's legs were sticking up in a really grotesque manner.

Veil leapt up and overturned the table high above his mother's and Togget's head.

CRASH!

Everybeast froze.

Veil stood there, his chest heaving, his dark eyes resting for a minute on his wife and father before he stormed off in a huff, disappearing throught the tent flaps and shooving the gaurds out of his way.

A/N: I've decided that this will remain a one-shot, but perhaps in the future I'll add on a few more chapters. Maybe. No guarantees.

Disclaimer: Redwall belongs to Brian Jacques, and Shrek 2 belongs to Dreamworks.

Pardon the OOCness, but that's way how it goes. I tried to keep everybeast as in character as possible.