Title: Only Human
Summary: When night comes and the deed is done, he is still convinced that he's a good man, a reasonable man.
Pairings: TsuHaru/2786, one-sided HibaHaru/1886 and TsuKyo/2795
Type: One-shot
Rating: T/M-ish
Warnings: Implied sexual content
Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.
He is 22 when he loses his virginity to Haru. It happens so fast that one minute he's fisting the back of her dress and digging his other palm into her hips—breasts, thighs, everywhere—and the next he is awake and staring at the ceiling, aware of his nudity underneath the cool sheets, the lingering, familiar heat in his abdomen.
His head hurts, and since there is no point in willing away an inevitable hangover, he begins to pray, as there is movement beside him, and in his peripheral vision he can't make out the person in the dark. He half-prays it's Kyoko. He half-prays it isn't Haru. Perhaps he may have taken a random woman to bed sometime in the middle of the party, because that's a preferable choice than Haru, so please don't let it be—
"Tsuna-san...?"
'San'. Kyoko never addresses him as so. He stiffens, and a wave of anger washes over and seeps deep into him, spreading like wildfire. Such an uncontrollable emotion, one that can't be tamed even as the woman beside him extends a hand to take his into hers. He refrains from roughly pulling away from her touch (it burns into his skin, feeds the fire).
"I'm sorry."
Too late.
"I didn't know—I shouldn't have—I..."
Earlier, Gokudera made sure his boss achieved drunkenness, before pushing him forward in the room of many bodies, whispering, "She's waiting for you." Waiting where, Tsuna did not known. The alcohol in his system impaired his vision, and he couldn't make out the woman he wanted among the majority present. Then, an arm laced through his, the owner giggling into his ear and waving a bottle of wine in front of him.
"Care to join me, boss?"
Tsuna always told himself that his very first time would be with Kyoko. She is the woman he loves, after all, and he has loved her for years. Patient as he was (still is, still is), Kyoko never got the hint. Yet her naivety endeared her to him, and gave him the determination to put forth more effort in courting her.
(And just where has that gotten him?)
Ironic that the woman he doesn't love, but who has loved him for years, is the one who took his virginity. He wants to laugh hysterically at that.
He looks over to Haru. She smiles, guiltily (no more than him), showing a sliver of teeth and the cheap lip gloss she donned tonight crinkles against her lips. Some has smeared around her lips. Make-up residue mingles with her tears in black rivulets against her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Tsuna-san."
It's too late for that.
He turns over—he finds he can't stand her smile at the moment—and wonders where he went wrong.
For six years, he pretends nothing ever happened between them, and she does the same, respectively. For six years, he continues to pursue Kyoko actively (in his head). For six years, Kyoko is naïve as ever.
(Not really, he's just a coward. He can't seem to approach her with a direct confession—coward coward coward.)
Six years later, he finds himself in bed with Haru again. There's a cigarette between her fingers. She brings it to her lips: inhales, and then exhales, wisps of smoke swirling in the dead air—mixing with the scent of sweat, sex—and enveloping her in a glorious halo.
"Those belong to Gokudera-san," Tsuna quips.
"So they do," Haru says, a mischievous smile working its way onto her lips.
Tsuna frowns. "You shouldn't smoke."
She shrugs, gracing him with a despondent smile. "I shouldn't be doing a lot of things, Tsuna-san."
It begins, again.
Tsuna considers himself a good man, a reasonable man. He has matured, in more ways than one, into a competent mafia boss that many respect and fear. He has killed men with his bare hands, and years ago, when he was younger and petrified with the title given to him that put the weight of the world on his shoulders, he would go home and sit on the floor beside his bed, clutch onto a rosary—he's not even religious—and pray for forgiveness. Tsuna convinces himself that it's a chivalrous deed more than anything, and if there was a God, he would deem him a saint rather than a killing machine.
It took him several years to grow accustomed to the fact that there will be times when he will have to kill. He tells himself he kills with reason. Rarely a time ever comes where he kills in blind fury (Xanxus, you and your lot are definitely going to Hell). But no matter how noble (sinner man, sinner man) his actions, his men are a different matter altogether: they are more hardened than he, and know that their boss continues to waver in the slightest when it comes to pointing a gun at a target's head. They carry out his unfinished (cowardly, cowardly) actions, so that he may go home with his mind at ease.
They kill for him. He carries the weight of their world (their many unforgiving sins, and he is no different) on his shoulders, and when he goes home he stares in the mirror and is still convinced that he is a good man, a reasonable man.
The rosary lays in the corner of his room, collecting dust, forgotten.
"What are you so afraid of, boss man?"
There is amusement in her voice as she pops the question. She doesn't pinpoint the exact source of what she believes is the cause of his apprehension, so he isn't sure how to answer her. Sometimes, he thinks the woman is reading his mind when she rests her gaze on him with those big, brown eyes of hers.
He settles for a simple answer to her simple question (one that holds so many messages). "Not afraid."
In truth, he is. He is afraid of many things, such as the day I-Pin begins dating, or finding live insects interspersed in his meal, courtesy of Bianchi if he were ever to upset her. He fears that Gokudera takes his title as right-hand man a little too seriously and he may even be willing to give up his life for the sake of protecting his boss. He fears that Kyoko will never reciprocate his feelings once she finds out (she never will, never) about this...liaison between Haru and himself.
Haru snorts. "Liar."
Her clothes are in a messy pile in the corner of his room, where the rosary lays. Tsuna then wonders when this will stop, and whether remnants of Haru (he's 'spiritually' speaking, and god, he's not even religious) will also remain in his room, collecting dust, forgotten. Then he will look in the mirror and convince himself that what he does with Haru is not terrible because he is a good man, a reasonable man.
Haru repeats herself, in a sing-song voice that seems to hold a hidden undertone of accusation.
"Li-ar."
"Reborn," he says to no one in particular, "I feel like your help is greatly needed right now."
Haru and Kyoko are greatly similar, and it is because they are that Haru makes an appropriate substitution. The fact that he and Haru are friends makes him feel less guilty of using her and further reducing the stress in his head where all dilemmas about his twisted morals take place.
It's not that he doesn't love Haru (at least, not in that sense) because he does. She is his friend, and is a part of the family. Her role is something like that of a mother's: she cooks, cleans, and tends to everyone, young and old. She is all smiles and tender love and affection and is shameless in carelessly giving it out.
Just...not to him, anymore. She no longer fawns over him. (If anyone has noticed it, they've wisely not said anything.) When Tsuna and Haru greet one another, she smiles politely and tilts her head in an acknowledging nod. She is reserved and courteous in his presence, and he wonders just when exactly they have taken up formalities with one other. Yet, when they are alone, she is a vixen that sits astride him, fingernails and teeth raking against his skin, careful not to leave visible marks for wandering eyes. His nights are plagued with wet lips, throaty moans, and soft skin underneath his palms—and the terrifying notion that she may no longer love him, love him even less as a friend.
Haru is not Haru with him, anymore.
Tsuna isn't sure when he will ever confess to Kyoko. He tells himself he'll do so after this relationship (or whatever it is) between Haru and himself comes to an end—once he realizes it's wrong. Though, the fact has been known to him the night it began, and yet this relationship continues to prolong, if only to ward off the day he confesses.
(Never, huh?)
Haru sighs. "There's a line between your eyebrows; you're thinking too hard again. Stop it."
Tsuna acquiesces, if only to stop the way she's looking at him with that irritated expression. She rarely smiles at him now.
He caresses her back with a featherlike touch of his fingers, and this time she sighs in approval.
"Kyoko doesn't bite, Tsuna dearest," Haru laughs.
Tsuna tenses and Haru must have noticed because she giggles at his discomfort at the mention of the woman he loves.
"You're troubled."
He decides not to object at her growing delusion that she understands him (but she does, and it's scary) and stays quiet, until he provides a question of his own a few minutes later. "Why do you do this?"
The reference is not lost on her. She shrugs. "I want to help you."
Tsuna scowls. In helping me, all I gain is an orgasm.
She turns to him, and the flower that I-Pin placed in her ear almost slips from the many strands of hair holding it back in place. "You're a careful man, Tsuna-san. Everything will go well for you, no matter what actions you take." She stands and extends her arms upward, to the skies, twirling a few feet away from him. "We carry the weight of your world on our shoulders."
He stares after her as she runs off with the trio on the other side of the garden. Lambo is giving I-Pin a piggyback ride, and Yamamoto is not far off, laughing merrily at the pair. Haru jumps on his back and demands he give her one too, and the Rain Guardian's smile only widens as he nods in agreement.
Her last statement rings in his ears. Tsuna begins to wonder if he's had it wrong, from the very beginning.
"Why do you love Kyoko-chan?"
She's not teasing him, he knows that. She's only curious, and rightfully so. He opens his mouth, and belatedly realizes that it's been kept open far too long when she raises an eyebrow.
"Well?"
He wants to believe and give the excuse that all the reasons are already formed in his head but he can't get them to leave his mouth. But to his utter surprise, his mind is blank, and he can't even pass off his previous thought as a joke to relieve the horrible silence.
"I..."
"I had sex with Hibari-san," she says. Her tone is clear, and hints no pride (many women want to bed the Cloud Guardian, for some reason), compassion (as if she finally came to the conclusion that she may have found love in another), or regret (like she'll come close to admitting that her newly acquired sex partner will merely serve as a substitution—just like her, right?). He can't even detect any emotion in her blank eyes that failed to come forth in her statement.
"Oh."
"Yeah," she rubs at her shoulder, and it is then that Tsuna spots a smudge against the pale skin in the dark. It looks like a bruise, and he vaguely distinguishes the teeth marks.
He didn't even notice it.
"How did...that happen?" he asks, and tells himself he only does so for sake of conversation, not because he's indisputably curious. He hopes that such curiosity isn't too evident in his query.
Haru shrugs and her hair tumbles over her shoulder at her action. She props her elbows on the mattress and lifts her upper body to adjust her back onto the headboard. The bed sheets that she had clutched to her chest don't follow, and instead fall below her torso at the movement. Her breasts are exposed; Tsuna averts his gaze and forces himself to look at her lips, awaiting an answer.
"He has always looked lonely...I propositioned him."
"He accepted?" He's glad it doesn't come out sounding incredulous as he thought it would have.
"Yes," she turns his head to him and smiles kindly, and Tsuna chews the inside of his cheek because this is the first, in a long time, that she has smiled like this—but he's not the reason. She licks her bottom lip once before continuing, "Why wouldn't he?"
"He...just said yes, like that?"
"No, he didn't," she admits, her smile faltering. "He called me a 'useless herbivore' and he would not dare waste time in participating in sexual activities with one of the Tenth's whores."
"Oh." He pauses and quickly composes himself when realizing she is looking at him, as if she expected a more elaborate response. "You're not a whore."
It's said with absolute conviction, like it's a fact that not can't be argued with, or thought of as anything else.
She looks like she doesn't believe him. Tsuna swallows.
Haru waves his comment offhandedly with a click of her tongue and turn of her wrist. "Anyways. I stormed off, but not before letting him know that he's a useless piece of hahi and he should never call a lady such a degrading name. I stomped on his foot. Then I found myself shoved against a wall a few hours later."
"He changed his mind," Tsuna says, nodding as he attempts to process and understand this newly gained information. "That's strange. I thought he liked men."
Haru laughs, her head falling back and accidentally hitting the headboard. He doesn't join in (because he's unsure of this familiarity that's being resurfaced again), although she does fling a pillow at him after catching his barely-concealed quirk of lips.
He easily deflects it, and they both fall into conversation once more. Haru talks more about Hibari. Tsuna decides to ignore the small pang that is consistent in appearing in his chest every time she smiles fondly at the recollection of her night with one of his men. ("He's rough, and bites a lot. But I don't know what to make of the gentle way he goes about kissing me.")
"So many women pine after him," he comments after she finishes. Yet he chose you, and you didn't even want him like the others. He leaves that unsaid, afraid that it may garner a negative reaction.
"He's lonely."
"Hibari-san may like you," Tsuna offers. He doesn't want to believe his own words.
"Nah," Haru chuckles, and he watches as she curls and uncurls her toes before wiggling them all at once. "I'm just convenient."
Tsuna says nothing.
"Are you and Haru..." Tsuna starts, his palms sweaty in his pockets.
Hibari smirks, knowingly. "Coward."
"Do you know what I am afraid of, Tsuna-san?"
Tsuna raises his head from his lap, and properly faces the woman in the tub a few feet away from him. She ran a bubble bath not too long ago, and the only thing visible of her among the white foam is her face. Her hair is covered in a crown of bubbles, and her bangs, wet and slick, are plastered to her forehead. She looks thoughtful, even though she is slightly drunk.
And here he is, sitting on a toilet, and has been for the past twenty minutes, entertaining her with responses to the most random questions.
("Pigs are considered smart. If you were a pig, do you think you would be smart enough to free yourself from strict confinement? Or would you be too pigheaded and remain there until you are hung upside down and slaughtered?" He told her she used 'pigheaded' in the wrong context and she flicked water in his direction.)
"What?" At least this question seems normal.
"Drowning."
"Don't you know how to swim?" he asks, wary of the way her head is suspiciously sinking.
"Yes," she answers.
A few moments later, her head disappears. Tsuna stares, wide-eyed, and when his brain finally registers that it has been well over thirty seconds, he jumps from his seat at the toilet and doesn't even bother pulling up his sleeves before his hands dive into the water and pull her from below. "Haru? Are you okay?!" He's so concerned that he doesn't pay mind to her nudity.
She says nothing for a couple seconds, and then begins laughing, much to Tsuna's mortification.
"What the hell, Haru! You had me worried!" he growls, his fingers pressing into her shoulders with a little more pressure than necessary.
Her laughter abates, and with a wet, foamy hand she takes his cheek into her palm. Her voice is cracked when she speaks. "Don't be so good to me. It doesn't suit our arrangement, don't you think?"
Haru chuckles in her throat. Her hand drops and she rests against the end of the tub once more, pouring another serving of alcohol into her wine glass. Tsuna stares at the tiled wall and Haru's next barrage of odd questions are an echo in his ear.
He feels like he's drowning.
"You're not superman, you know."
"...I know."
"What's with you, boss?"
Of course it's Gokudera who asks this. He is his longtime friend and right-hand man. The silver-haired man compliments and worships him on more than one occasion, but it's genuine adoration of the man he looks up to (he shouldn't, because he's praising a coward). Gokudera rarely asks personal questions that involve matters of love, because they are men and men don't usually venture into subjects of the like.
Both men are observing the group of people before them with faint interest. It's Ryohei-senpai's birthday and everyone is drinking and dancing. For some reason, there's a donkey in the center of the room and Ryohei is having a conversation with it. Hibari is on the far side of the room, twirling his tonfa in one hand, looking for reason to cause damage.
Tsuna shakes his head and finally generates an answer. "Nothing's wrong, Gokudera-san."
His eyes land on Haru and Kyoko. They are both scolding I-Pin and Lambo for their not-so-discreet alcohol consumption. The two women have their arms crossed, Kyoko looking passive while Haru is red in the face, shrieking. Yamamoto is patting her shoulder, coaxing her into lowering her voice before Lambo begins crying.
Gokudera sniggers. "Kyoko and the stupid woman, huh. Frankly, I don't know which one is more stupid anymore."
Tsuna's eyebrows rise, appalled. "Gokudera—"
The Storm Guardian exhales heavily. "You're too good, boss. But your priorities are all over the place, I'm afraid to say."
Tsuna lets out a small laugh and raises his glass. "Cheers to that."
Gokudera reluctantly clinks glass with his.
They're at the bar (Ryohei-senpai's wonderful idea, and weren't they just celebrating last week?) and Tsuna is struck by déjà vu when Haru's head appears over his shoulder. She digs her nose into his hair affectionately—he tries hard not to read into this open gesture; when she's drunk she is the same with everyone—and sits on the stool beside him. She's waving a pitcher this time.
"Hi there. May I join you?"
"I wasn't really drinking," Tsuna replies calmly.
Haru makes an alcohol induced sound of amusement. "Not tonight, huh?"
"No," he smiles meekly.
She pouts playfully. "No one wants to drink with Haru tonight."
"I thought you joined in on the drinking contest?"
"Mhm, still am. But Gokudera-san is too competitive, and he's an angry drunk who won't accept a loss," she laughs. "Yamamoto-san is accompanying him to the restroom right now. As for Ryohei-senpai..."
"THIS ROUND WILL DEFINITELY BE FAR MORE EXTREME...TEQUILA SHOTS!"
Haru giggles into her pitcher, and then shouts over Tsuna's head, "Ah, you're so on, Ryohei-san!" She drops her head to whisper in his face, "Truthfully, my body can't handle tequila but I'll do my best!"
The alcohol taste resonates off her mouth onto his—too close for comfort—and he takes in the light flush painting her cheeks. She looks quite beautiful in this light.
Haru jumps from her seat. "Hold up!"
She makes to leave, but his hand speedily grips hers. She stares down at their physical link with questioning eyes. "What is it, Tsuna-san?"
"Ah..."
He wants to apologize, tell her that he appreciates (always has) her company, even in the dead of night when he thinks he hears her crying, but he ignores it because he's a coward who doesn't know how to comfort a crying woman. He wants to tell her that she is a wonderful woman, and everyone sees it—Yamamoto, Ryohei, the brats, even Gokudera and, hell, Hibari—while he cowardly acknowledges it through sex. He wants to tell her he likes her, truly does, and possibly loves her (maybe, sort of, well...), but Tsuna can't say any of this because he's one thing and one thing only, and that is...
"Don't drink too much," he says instead. "Be careful."
He thinks coward should be tattooed on his forehead.
Haru shrugs, smiling. "Sure."
He lets go, and she skips merrily toward Ryohei, her small, nimble body working its way dexterously through the crowd, while shouting at a random man, "Hey, that's not for touching, gramps!" When she is at Ryohei's side, the older man brings a small shot glass to her lips. She swallows the brown-yellow fluid in one gulp, her face contorting into displeasure at the taste. Ryohei kisses the crown of her head and cackles at her discontentment in being easily peer-pressured.
Tsuna returns his gaze to the beer in front of him, the one he has been nursing all night. It's warm, now. He wants to slam his head against the bar counter.
"Hello."
He looks to his right and nearly tips over his drink at the sight of a familiar face. "Tsuna-kun," Kyoko smiles, and her smile alone is enough to lift his mood, if only slightly, in this crowded bar with its bad lighting and cheap beer.
"K-Kyoko-chan," he tries to reflect her smile, but fails.
"Haru-chan is having fun with the boys, ne?"
He follows her line of vision and it lands on the person in question. She's wagging a finger in Ryohei's face, objecting to another shot of tequila. Ryohei only grins and sloppily kisses her cheek in response. Haru looks like she wants to vomit.
Tsuna's hold on his beer tightens and he resists the urge to walk over and whack the older male with his own tequila bottle.
"Tsuna-kun, are you okay?"
Shit. Please don't tell me you noticed that—shitshitshit—
"Yes," he ignores the scene behind him and refocuses his attention on the woman, the love of his life, sitting next to him. "I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" There is worry in her eyes.
"Kyoko-chan, I..."
She looks at him, waiting. "Yes?"
Her hands are bare. She's not drinking tonight; she rarely does as she takes care of the drunks, rather than get drunk. It's only because Kyoko is a good woman, and her morals are intact. She really can be the perfect wife.
Tsuna's head turns and he looks at Haru once more. She catches his gaze and grins, a grin so broad that she looks proud and he knows it's meant for him. She raises an arm and gives him thumbs up, while bellowing a rather loud whoo-hoo! that Ryohei mistakes as assent to another shot. She ignores him and pats a half-conscious Gokudera, who has just returned, on the back.
Kyoko can be the perfect wife, and more. But...
"HAHI! GOKUDERA, YOU BASTARD, YOU VOMITED ON MY FAVORITE PAIR OF BOOTS!"
Tsuna faces Kyoko evenly now and smiles. "I'm doing great."
She doesn't deserve to carry the weight of all my troubles, my sins, on her shoulders. God, or whoever the hell is above and listening, surely you can agree with me, this time.
"Hey."
"Hey there."
"Tsuna—"
He cuts her off as he grins into her hair and kisses her temple. "Let's go home."
Author's note: god, I made everyone an alcoholic.
01/11/2018: minor grammar/punctuation revisions