Author's Note: I wrote this in half an hour afterI finished rereadingGoblet of Fire... although, I didn't quite finish it. I read the first 11 chapters, skipped 20 chapters, and continued to the end. Interesting reading plan, eh? As I said, it is basically the same as chapter 32. But randomer. Read on...
Fish, Mud, and Phone
Harry and Cedric slammed into the ground, both dropping the Triwizard Cup. Harry muffled a groan and examined his hurt leg.
"This is strange," Cedric commented, looking around. "I didn't know it was a portkey."
"Me neither," Harry said, carefully getting up. Their surroundings weren't at all familiar—all traces of the Quiddich field and Hogwarts castle were gone. Instead, they stood in a creepy graveyard at dusk…which was rather disconcerting.
"I think I hear something…" Cedric said. He squinted out into the darkness. The two boys could faintly see a figure making its way towards them, in between the headstones.
Harry and Cedric pulled out their wands and pointed them at the dark figure. It seemed to be a very short man wearing a cloak with a hood.
He was carrying something… perhaps a baby, or a basket of fruit?
"Ouch!" Harry's scar had, without warning, started burning. He was faintly worried… usually Voldemort was around when this sort of thing happened. He closed his eyes, as if it would help… it didn't.
Suddenly, he heard a faint, high-pitched voice… "Kill the spare," it said menacingly.
The spare? thought Harry dimly. Like a spare tire?
The hooded man in front of them pulled out a wand from his back pocket and pointed it at Cedric, who quivered slightly.
"Abra Kadabra!"
A blast of yellow light shot from the wand, straight into Cedric's chest. Harry's scar seared, and he almost fell over. Cedric wasn't so good at the "almost" part… he flopped right on the ground and started to squirm. It was at that point Harry realized that the charm that had been spoken was not Avada Kedavra at all… and it was having slightly different effects. When Harry thought to look down, he saw that Cedric was no longer twitching on the ground… he was now a large, sparkly-wet cod that flopped about on the damp grass.
"Oh my," Harry said, and for a while forgot about the pain in his head. He stared at Cedric's puffed-up mouth… his big round eyes… his floppy tail….
He could feel himself being lifted up. The cloaked man was carrying him away from the fish… which was a good thing, as Harry had a sudden craving for Fish-n-Chips.
He was thrown against a tall tombstone, bearing the name, "Tom Riddle." Harry vaguely wondered if there was an answer to it. The cloaked man pulled a rope out of his back pocket and began tying Harry to the grave, and none too gently. One of the man's hands, he noticed, was missing a finger…
"You're Scabbers!" he said excitedly.
The formerly-Scabbers-man ignored him, and continued to tie him up.
"Wait!" said Harry. Thinking fast, he added, "Don't I get one phone call?"
"Why would Voldemort give you one phone call?" Scabbers asked.
"It's—it's customary!" Harry said. "People do it all the time!"
"Well, okay then… you can use my cell." He pulled out an ultra-thin, ultra-hip cell phone from his back pocket and handed it to Harry.
"I'm tied up, you know."
Scabbers quickly untied him, and went off to ready his Master's plan of doom.
"Now if only I could remember Dumbledore's number…" Harry absently looked through all of the speed dials on the phone, but there was obviously no Dumbledore. So he dialed the only number he knew, that he really had memorized… Winston's Fish-n-Chips.
"Hello, Winston's Fish-n-Chips," answered the employee.
"Yes, I'd like to order some fish-n-chips. You do make deliveries, right?"
"Yes sir. What's your address?"
"Umm… hold on. Hey, you! What's the address?"
"We're in the graveyard of Little Hangleton, if that helps any," Scabbers replied. Harry watched distractedly as he dragged a huge, white, porcelain bathtub right in front of Harry, and began to fill it up with mud. He was using a red plastic spade from the seaside.
"Uhh, oh yes. I'm in a graveyard in Little Hangleton, does that help?"
"Yes, sir! We'll find you, not to worry. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
Harry closed the cell, and tossed it back to Scabbers. "You can finish with the tying up now, if you want."
"Well, can I get a little help here? I need to start a fire under this bathtub." Harry went over and used to spell from his wand, and started a nice, crackling fire. The mud inside the tub began to bubble nicely.
"And what's this for, exactly?" Harry asked.
"Hold on, we're going to start right now." Scabbers took all the wrappings off the bundle he had been carrying… revealing something that looked a lot like a baby. Only it was really more of a monkey, with sticky hair and ears that stuck out rather. It was starting to make a screeching noise, so he dropped it into the tub of mud.
"Okay…"
"I'm giving him a rejuvenating bath," Scabbers explained.
"And you needed me here because…"
"Do you happen to have any bath salts on you? Like, in your pocket or something?"
"Well…" Harry reached deep into his pocket. "What do you know! Here it is!" He had found a little glass vial of pink bath salts. "What are the odds of that?"
"Not very high, I suppose," said Scabbers. "But I have some as well." He pulled out a larger jar of purple bath salts. "Shall we pour them in?"
"I s'pose," said Harry. They leaned over the warm, steaming bath and poured in their salts. Scabbers stirred the mud with his wand.
"Mmmmmmmmmmm," moaned Harry, inhaling deeply. "Smells good."
"I smell fish-n-chips!" Scabbers pointed out. The Fish-n-Chips man was finally here, carrying a nice stack of breaded fish and salty chips.
"Wanna share?" Harry asked.
"Sure!" said Scabbers. They enjoyed the delicious fish and chips together, until it was time to go.
"Grab the portkey and it'll take you home," Scabbers told Harry.
Before he left, Harry grabbed the fish that once was Cedric. He was pretty sure his parents would want to have it back…. But if not, he would give it to the cook downstairs and he would make it into Harry's new favorite food—Fish-n-Chips.