dedicated to Maggie, who is not a basic bitch.
The girl with the blond hair pushed through the thick brambles of France. "Goooodddd damn it," she sang, pushing through the forest, surprisingly in an english accent, not a french one from the french revolution era (18th century? bitch you don't actually expect me to do the research, do you?). She was going to meet her torrid lover, whom she had only seen once. Then she had sung a beautiful, boring Amanda Seyfried-esqué musical number. Her daddy had said, "awww hell no we gotta get away from this frenchie and also this guy I knew when I was a slave is chasing me down." Deep down inside, Amanda-girl knew that her weird father guy and Jean Vel John were really endgame. She longed for a world where she could ship her favorite characters her father and his lover. She made wooden sketches of them making out, because that was who she was. Secretly, she sang "oh, why doesn't anyone understand? The pain I go thuuu forr my OTPeeeeeeee!"
"Yo, watch it blondie."
"Oh my lover!"
"WTF bitch all ma friends died get away from me. Leave me alone wit ma CHAIRS" (Chuck and Blair FTW.)
So blondie ran and ran and screamed and she sang and she made it all the way to Britain. She was just about to throw herself off a bridge when suddenly she gets hit by a mega beef taco in the chest and falls back off of the ledge.
"Oy, love! That was my one and only taco!" He looked her up and down. His smile was like a brightness of a different culture, of a different time. One where her fangirling was acceptable. "lemme just check on my iphone to see where the closest cheap motel- uh, I mean, Taco Bell- is."
"whaaaattt the heeeckkk is an iphoooneee?!"
"oy, love, do you always talk like that? Because I don't really love that one thing about you, dear."
"yeah sorry I'll stfu. But what's an iphone?"
"a waste of your time"
"no but for realz you stupid brat wtf is it"
"calm yo tiz french fry. It's a thing you can use to look at tumblr"
Her eyes shone like the ghosts of her future, all the wasted moments she would spend trying to get gif-sets to load on a slow 3G connection.
"neat-o burito"
"no not buritos tacos you stupid bitch wtf do you think this a Taylor Swift vip tent"
"who dat sexy chick?"
"Oh, that's my one true love, Margret." He shines a glossy-magazine smile, one that might be on your crazy roomate's posters, "But this American bloke named Darren Criss is already screwing her silly. That bastard. Heard he's a hottie, tho."
"so you dtf?" asked blondie
"nah I have a boyfriend named Louis at hogwarts."
"he sound like a total hottie. We gotta get back to hogwarts"
to be continued