Disclaimer: Why do we even bother putting little dislcaimers saying we don't own the Evo series or characters? It's kind of ...pointless. Everyone knows we don't own it, and if one of us did, things would be a helluva lot different... But anyway, I don't own Wanda or XME. Duh.
Damaged
Sometimes when something is broken, it gets thrown out.
I feel... like I should feel like that. Like I've been thrown out, used, and forgotten. But I can't bring myself to believe it. How can I when I have such happy memories about picnics and carousels and fireworks? But then again, how can I bring myself to believe that's real, too? I don't feel anything when I remember those things. I feel empty and confused when I think about those memories. Shouldn't I feel happy and giddy, though?
Lately my head's been a confusing place. I have memories that feel false, as odd as that may sound. I have anger building up inside, and I don't know why. All I know is I'm angry at Father for something. Something... I can't remember, but I know it's real. Something that oddly enough contradicts those happy memories I have. It's like I'm trying to separate reality from fantasy constantly. And if I don't try to separate it, I think the images and nightmares will tear me apart.
I'm scared to know what's behind the anger. And I'm terrified to find out why I have no feelings attached to those memories. That's why I fight them, trying to sort through them all, before I lose my sanity. Though, oddly enough it feels like I already lost that.
I just don't know anymore. Fact and fiction, reality and fantasy, lies and truth, they don't really seem to have a boarder line anymore. But I would rather be lost in the clutter of my mind than face whatever may possibly be causing such nerve-wracking confusion.
Sometimes, when something is broken, someone fixes it.
Sometimes, I think I'd rather be broken than let him try to put me back together again. He makes me want to break sometimes, with the way he persists and pursues me. It's rather pathetic, if you ask me. The maggot should take a hint and leave me alone to sort my problems out on my own.
But he won't. And in its own way, that breaks me.
Even if I remember going out with Pietro and Father when I was little, I don't remember what it's like to be cared for. To have someone making sure I'm alright. Oddly enough, whenever I try to remember something like that, I get a chill down my spine. Like a cold wind to my back... icy cold. Like a cold rain.
So you can see why Toad's constant pestering might break me sometimes. He's giving me something I should know, something I should already feel... but it's so new. It's new and frightening sometimes, and I don't know how to react properly. I should thank him, or something... right? I think that's what I'm supposed to do. But I'm not sure... so I snap at him, or hex him into something hard. Just anything to make these feelings go away.
But he keeps on coming back. And every time he does, something new comes with him; a smile, a laugh, a thanks, a welcome... One time, he kissed me. Yeah, that was definitely something new and unnerving. But, that was also the first time I opened up. A little, anyway. I smiled, and he smiled back. I thanked him... then stormed out of the room after he had eaten a fly. I don't like that habit, but I thank him for it. It gave me a reason to close up and storm out of there again.
He still pesters me. Constantly. He's like the voice in the back of my head that tells me to do bad things. Or rather, he's the one that's telling me not to do bad things, and just be me for once. I think I'd like to be me again. But... I don't know how to be. With fiction and fact swirling around inside of my head, it's hard to tell who I am and how I'm supposed to act... But somehow, he wants me to be me. I know he knows there's a scared little girl somewhere inside this Witch. I just wish I knew how to find her.
I don't know how it happened, but I've been broken and he's somehow managed to pick up every last shattered piece of me... At least, every piece he can find. He's trying to put a puzzle together, but pieces are missing and we both know it. Even if I let him put me back together, without some pieces, I'll never be whole again. As long as I'm lost and confused in this clutter in my mind, I'll never have those missing pieces.
Some damage is permanent, and some is temporary.
I don't know which is mine. It feels permanent, but it also feels like if I try hard enough, I might find what I'm missing. I could do that. I could sit in my room for hours and focus on every memory and nonexistent feeling there is inside of me. But then the headaches come and so do the nightmares.
I'm afraid I can't do this on my own. And I'm not about to ask for Toad's help. Or anyone else's. I'm an independent woman, and asking for help would show I'm weak. It would mean I have to rely on someone for help, and I don't want that. Relying on people scares me for some reason. I get this aching feeling that I can't trust anyone enough to rely on them.
Except Toad. I guess I trust him. He's never done anything to make my trust waver... well, except for making me feel... like this. He's added to the confusion by making me feel wanted. Truly wanted, something I've never felt before. But that's not it, there's something else inside me reacting to him. I'm scared to admit it, but I might care for him... in some way or another. I mean, who else is breaking their head as much as me to put me back together? No one has. Not even Pietro.
So I guess I'm stuck with his constant pestering and sickening nicknames. No one else seems to care enough to notice the way I'm in a lithium like daze. And Toad won't take a hint and back out while he can. Now he's stuck in this whole mess, because if he were to back out now, I don't know what I'd do. I need to know someone's there, and someone cares about me. That's sounds so needy, but it's true.
This whole situation breaks me over and over again, and I'm tired of trying to sort through what I remember and what I want to feel. The damage's been done, and it's not about to be repaired. But... I don't mind if keeps on trying to fix it for me.
-End