A/N: Hey everybody. So, I got a lot of explaining to do here. I know it's been about a year since I last touched both this story and its accompanying story, Cat's Diary, and I do sincerely apologize. I really don't know why I stopped so suddenly, other than, college got me in its grasps. Not an excuse though - my fault, and I take full responsibility. I endured a pretty rough first year of university, and my motivation for everything, including writing, pretty much dropped to a zero. It was mostly due to a social conflict I had with one of my friends, and it really hurt and got me questioning myself for everything. Seriously, I don't even know how I didn't fail first year, but here I still am. This story, as well as its accompanying one, are not dead, I promise. I made the pledge a long time ago that I'd finish every story I start, and I still honor that pledge. That said, I am back, am more motivated than before, and here I am. Starting off here, this is a revised chapter 1 for this story, because I noticed a number of things were inconsistent. I also revised chapter 2 here, as well as that first chapter of the accompanying story, Cat's Diary. I've started to plan for the future chapters, and I'll get back to you guys on those ones ASAP. And by that I mean within a few weeks MAX, not a year later. Anyways, just to let you guys know, I'm still here, and these stories are still going to be completed. I don't know if anyone is still following me, and I don't blame you if not, but regardless, I. WILL. COMPLETE. THIS!

So without further ado, here we go.

Robbie's Diary

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dear Diary,

Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted it to end? Well, that's exactly what my day was like today. Nothing new actually happened – my routines have been exactly as they always been. And it's not because I felt like I did bad on my chemistry test like last time that I told you I had a long day. I've just had enough of dealing with people at school and just school in general. And that's pretty bad, considering how it's only November – we're not even halfway into the year yet! The fact that it's my least favorite day of the week today – Monday – certainly doesn't help matters either.

What I'm getting tired of especially is my friends cracking their unkind jokes about me behind my back when they think when I am not listening, and then just acting so innocent when I approach them a minute later as if nothing happened. Truth is, I've caught them I'm guessing about 90% of the time they tried. I've just chosen to stay silent about it for my own sake and for their sake. But I think I'm gonna eventually let them have it, because I really don't know how much more I'm capable of handling before I completely blow up in their faces. I mean, I'm a nice guy and I really try to be chill about things. Additionally, I would hate to have to yell at anyone but you know, if they continue being annoying, I'd surely snap. And if that happens, I'm bound to lose my position in their group, as they can easily just get rid of me like an unwanted dust bunny. You probably are well aware that I'm not popular like them. And at Hollywood Arts, popularity directly translates to power.

Now, I know what you're thinking, diary. You want to know why I still call them my friends if they've treated me badly like this for so long, and continue doing it. Am I right? You wanna know why I still call them my friends despite them treating me like a pile of dirt all to gain popularity points. After all, I've told you about being pushed around by these so-called "friends" ever since the beginning of high school, and the issue has only gotten worse. Truthfully, I don't consider them friends at all. Jade West, Beck Oliver, Andre Harris, and even Tori Vega – I don't favor any of those four and hate being pushed around by them more than almost anything else. It's extremely embarrassing and insulting when you are actually more compassionate and empathetic of others but get less consideration all because of stupid gossip. And I'm not saying that because I'm full of myself like they are. No, trust me, even though you are my safe haven, and that you will never judge me, diary, I am not telling you this just so I can make myself feel better. The thing is, I try very hard to bond closely with every one of my friends, and hold onto each friendship like it was the only one I ever had. That's not to say that I don't have buddies vs. best friends. It just means that, a greater proportion of my friends are what people generally consider their best friends who they can tell anything to But you know, that's a good thing for me, because I know I only have a handful of friends to begin with. In all honesty though, who doesn't? It seems that all the more popular people at my school have thousands of friends, but I call that complete bullshit. You should see how easily a lot of them are willing to just let their "friends" enter and exit their lives without any second considerations whatsoever. I don't doubt that they have real friends too, but my guess is, not really any more than I do. And if you ever happen to prove me otherwise, then I gladly admit my defeat. But if you do decide to do that, I wish you the best of luck. Nope, they are just a bunch of gossipers who have nothing better to do but bash people around. So tired of being their scapegoat. *Sigh*

Of course, this doesn't mean I'm 100% alone at school. No, I do have a group of buddies with me. As for true friends like I described above however, there's only one person there whom I can honestly say I am super close with. What's his name you might ask? Well, not so much his name as her name. Yup, that's right. Ironically, despite my terrible luck with girls in general (both romantically and platonically), the only person I could honestly say I am close friends with at Hollywood Arts is a girl. I mean, people like Sinjin and some of his friends are also buddies of mine, and because they are also constantly poked fun of like me, they understand perfectly what it's like to be in my position. But as for close friends, not quite yet, since I've only known them for a year and a half compared to the girl I was talking about, whom I've known since kindergarten. And – you're really gonna be confused at this next part – I really wish that I wasn't friends with her.

Haha, okay, I'll tell you her name now. Why wouldn't I? Her name is Cat. Caterina Valentine. Yup, that's right, the girl you've probably heard about oh, I don't know, a hundred sixty four times already (not that I'm counting, of course) since I started high school. By now you probably full-out understand that I really like her and all, and despite everyone else's annoyances, I love her hyper personality. Just being around her can brighten up any of my days, and today was certainly no exception. Right before I was about to go home, she randomly bounced up to me, and gave me one of her famous nearly-knocking-you-over hugs, and it really took me by surprise. But it definitely put a huge smile on my face for the next little bit.

So, after hearing all that, you'd probably wanna know why I am wishing I wasn't friends with her, right? Good question. Let me tell you a little secret about my relationship with Cat. The reason why I haven't told you this sooner is because I've only come to the full realization of it quite recently. Not sure when it actually began, but I only fully understood in the past few weeks. Anyways, here goes. Actually, what I meant by that sentence was, I really wish I wasn't just friends with her. I'd never wish away a close friend of mine, especially since I only have a few on this whole planet (including Cat). The truth is, I like Cat way more than I should for a friend. Okay, fine, I'll just say it. I think I'm in love with Cat Valentine. Yes, you heard right. I'm in love with the one girl who's my only true friend at school. Not sure when I began to develop it, but I hardly think I'm wrong. And to be brutally honest with you, why wouldn't I be? She's so sweet and caring for just about everyone around her, and has the most adorable smile in the world. And on top of all, she's just so, I don't know, unique. There's not really a way to describe her really. Words don't really seem good enough at all.

So there you go. You could probably imagine what that feels like, right? When you are close friends with the same person you have a crush on. It's both the best and worst feeling in the world. Best as in you know the other person likes you at least, and can understand you just as you can for them. But worst as in, you're completely lost and clueless as to what you should do in such a scenario. And that is precisely how I feel right now. On one hand, I'm glad she is a friend of mine, so that I can at least have the reassurance of knowing that she likes me. But on the other, I don't know how I should approach her, or if I should at all. I mean, I don't wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship. I already said that I value each and every one of my friends, and can't imagine losing any one of them, right? Well, now imagine losing the only one you have at school all because of a failed relationship or awkwardness if I tell her. Not a pleasant thought, right? Exactly. So that being said, you could probably imagine what type of state I am in over this. On one hand, I really wanna confess to her and ask her out, because I truly do believe that we have a decent chance at things to take a shot. But what if I make things awkward between us, or what if we do date, and it ends horribly wrong? If that happened, I honestly don't know how I'd be able to live on with my school life. Besides the obvious "I'll be friendless" reason, there's something else I haven't told you yet. You know how I said earlier on that despite being around them almost daily, I don't consider Tori, Beck, Jade, and Andre friends of mine? Well, I haven't yet told you yet why I let them do their abuse on such a constant basis. When I tell you, you're probably gonna think I'm pathetic. Promise me you won't judge, alright?

You might be thinking what everyone else thinks right now – that I'm too weak to really do anything about it, and too scared to stand out, so I just let it all wash over me. Or you might be thinking that because I'm a nerd surrounded by a popular group, I am just desperately trying to win my own popularity points by making it look like I fit in with a popular group at school. But neither one is correct. I know that a lot of nerds and losers at socially divided schools would do almost anything to fit in with the upper groups at their schools, but I am proud to say that you can count me out when it comes to that. I care not whether I'm popular or not, because popularity is really dumb to be honest. I know that it sounds like I'm contradicting with myself at the beginning of this entry, since I said that being bashed around by the group that I'm in at school is really embarrassing, when I'm actually more understanding of people than any of them are. But to me, being popular and being treated nicely are two very differently things. I know people who go to schools where there's a popularity thing going on, but the popular groups also treat the less popular groups nicely. Unfortunately, Hollywood Arts isn't like that. All that being said, I still only want to be myself. I just want to be respected for it, not pushed around when me behaving normally isn't even causing any problems to others. I always try to stay out of others' lives, and not make up gossip.

Anyways, enough rambling. Here goes. The actual reason why I put up with my "friends" at school is because of Cat as well. Unfortunately, even though I can usually understand people and read them quite well (especially my best friends), I've never fully managed to understand what Cat sees in our group. I mean, she's not stupid or anything, and I'm sure she realizes that people poke fun of her behind her back just as much as they do to me, but for one reason or another, she always seems to be attached to our group somehow, especially with her supposed-best friend, Jade. Why a sweet and innocent person like herself would ever put up with a snide and bitter person like Jade, I have no idea. But that's just it – despite all they do to her like they do to me, she in no way, shape, or form seems to be merely putting up with things like I obviously am. And it is for the very reason of getting to be around her that I put up with so much abuse. I don't need to be told to know that I deserve better friends than those four, but I still pretend to be content. I guess the other reason for that would be, if Cat seriously did bond well with our group for some weird reason, if I openly showed dislike towards our group, she might just start ignoring me, and discounting me as a friend.

So, how exactly does that relate to being hesitant to ask Cat out? Well, if I ruin my friendship with her, then the motivation to put up with my group would be all gone. And if that was the case, well, things would be an even bigger of a struggle for me than they'd have to be, and I'm certain that by then I could probably do nothing right. I mean, being a nerd there who doesn't really have that much artistic talent to begin with, the only thing that I am actually good at is academics. It's a well-established fact that I get straight A's in just about all my classes, especially in chemistry, physics, and math. And if I begin to fail at even those things, my future is gonna be pretty limited. Don't even ask me why a person like me is going to Hollywood Arts to begin with. My mom's idea, not mine. She'd been hoping all my life for me to become a rich and famous celebrity for some reason, even after I've told her numerous times that I wanted to be an engineer instead, and still do. The fact that academic universities have a common dislike for students coming out of this school certainly isn't gonna help my application. So, nope, can't mess up my friendship with Cat. Besides, to make matters even more complicated, I just simply don't wanna yell at people, even if they are being complete idiots by bashing me around. The last thing I need to be seen as at school is a spaz or something like that.

Now do you see how complex my life is at school? Though my surface reasons of why I do what I do are rather simple, one sentence reasons, not adhering to them is much, MUCH more complex than they should have to be. But that's what I get for being a lower class citizen at a performing arts school I guess. I tried telling my mom that this would happen, but she didn't believe me. And she still doesn't. Sometimes, I just wish she'd at least listen to me when I talk about it, not completely flat-out tell me that I'm just imagining things without even considering what I'm saying. But oh well. I hope she's happy, because I'm putting up with a heck of a lot of crap all because of her decision. If I'm sounding bitter now, I apologize. It's just, like I said, I am super sick of having to deal with this type of stuff day to day.

But yeah, now hopefully you see why it's so hard for me to be able to make any move at all when it came to Cat. A lot of people who know that I like her assume that I'm just too chicken for my own good, and don't have the guts to try to start anything. Well, they can believe what they wanna believe, because it's none of their business really. I'll tell this story to certain people maybe, but not just everyone around. I know letting them know doesn't seem like a huge deal, especially since everything sounds pretty innocent, but trust me, if there's one thing they could pick at anywhere in any nerd's life, the gossipers at Hollywood Arts will find it. And in my story, I'm guessing they'd pick at the façade I put on with my group of "friends" there. Once again, I don't actually give a flying fuck about their views on me since I know they are full of crap. I just maintain my false tolerance for them for my own sake.

Wow, I'm starting to sound just like Jade, am I not? Well, I'll be honest with you for a second. Remember how I said I am fairly capable of understanding people? Well, from my experience, I can tell you that Jade and I are complete opposites now. Whereas I put on a façade of being a scared kid at school who's afraid to fight his own fights, but in reality is someone who's more than willing to, Jade is someone who seems tough, but is an easy to break girl on the inside. Either way, I can understand her situation – somewhat. I mean, I get that she has a lot of family issues, and a history of being the laughing stock of school when she was little, but trust me, she's acting completely like an immature child for the most part. I mean, me and some of my friends have all been there, as well as a whole bunch of other people I've encountered. And it's fine to be upset about this type of stuff, because I totally get that it is capable of scarring people for life. That being said, being able to live in the present is important as well. So it seriously hurts me how she uses me as her stress relief toy, when I've undergone the same type of crap as she has, and am actually trying to move on with my current life. I realize how ignorant I'm starting to sound, and I apologize. Believe me however, I know a lot of her internal thoughts just by the things she says about me when she thinks I got my back turned. And as of now, the only comment I'll make is, she should consider herself lucky that I can understand her somewhat, because if I didn't have the level of empathy that I do, I would have snapped a long time ago, even if Cat had been around.

Okay, anyways, enough about Jade. Back to my current issue at hand. Because – as you could probably tell – I'm still very much lost with it. Normally on a day like today, I'd just try not to think about it and hope that it eventually leaves my mind. But today, that's easier said than done. See, tomorrow, I have this stupid acting presentation that I've been practicing for, and let's just say, I still don't feel ready to present at all. I'm actually not too bad at acting (though still far from being talented), but this assignment is totally just, I don't even have a word for it. As you already know, my teacher, Sikowitz, is a little crazy sometimes, right? Awesome teacher and everything, but pretty weird. Well, he gave us this assignment where with a partner, we gotta practice a romance scene. I know, sounds pretty normal and all. But guess who my partner is? Cat. Could be a lot worse, I know. But the problem with presenting a romance scene with her is, well, first of all, everyone well knows the irony of me being paired up to her. So undoubtedly, there'll be people making smooching noises at me later on. Second, I always seem to manage to take the presentation a little too far, and make it more real that it should be. I know that's technically a good thing when you act, but the problem is, like I said, it gives the others in my class a bigger source of comedy than it really should. The only source of comfort I can think of for this is, at least Cat seems to be unaware of what I'm thinking during situations like these. Otherwise I'm sure it would make things twice as awkward for the two of us.

By the way, just on the topic of Cat, I've never told you our background that clearly, have I? Out of all a hundred sixty four times I've told you about Cat in the past (again, not that I'm counting), every single time was either details about our hangouts, or just me rambling on about how amazing of a friend she was. Wow, have I thought of a lot of stories to tell you today so far. I guess it's time that you found out, diary, because it's not proper to just leave you without any details like that, especially if you kind of need to know in order to understand my relationship with Cat better.

So anyways, here's my story: I met Cat back in kindergarten, right on the first day of school. Just like any other kid at the time, I was extremely nervous to have been left on my own by my parents. In fact, for me, it was bad enough to the point where I just sat in the corner of the room all by myself, waiting for the day to be over with. I didn't want to eat snacks with the other children when it was snack time, refused to make things with them during arts and crafts time, and overall just tried to avoid everyone, including my teacher. After a while of trying to get me to participate a little, my teacher kind of just gave up and left me alone in my corner to stare at the floor. But when the day was almost over, one of the girls in my class came up to me and introduced herself.

"Hi! My name is Cat, just like the animal!" she said to me. And I don't know why, but for some reason she got me to, for the first time that day, talk. No one else could at all – including the teacher.

"Hi, I'm Robbie," I had said back, casually, not warming up to her too much, but happy that someone – other than the teacher – had actually taken the time to pop by where I was sitting to talk to me. I mean, I get that in order to make friends, you gotta go out to meet others, but the problem with these other people were, they already seemed to know each other as if they'd been living together for years now. So I felt extremely out of place. Nevertheless, if someone was willing to talk to me, they were always welcome.

"Oooh, I like your name! You wanna play with me and my friends?" she had responded with the same voice. Seemed that her hyper nature was permanent, and at the time, I had wondered if it was a normal thing. But I knew that it wasn't a polite thing to bring up, and besides, she seemed nice enough. On top of Aall, if she was as nice as she seemed, I figured, her friends must have been as well. So I had accepted her offer, and before I could give it a second thought, she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards where her and her friends were playing some game (I can't recall what).

Playing with her friends was fun that day, but what I really only ended picking up and keeping was being friends with her. Even back then, as time went on, people had grown to be easily weirded out by me, so they began to avoid me, except for a select few people in my life. And since most of my friends were in other schools, Cat was pretty much the only one I had. So I constantly followed her around talking to her, and wouldn't leave her alone. What was good was, she didn't seem to mind.

Coincidentally, we stayed in the same school as we progressed into elementary school and then junior high. And as we progressed, I began to get more and more negative attention, which in turn created the effect of binding me closer and closer to Cat. Even when she also began to face getting made fun of by others for being friends with "the loser" (AKA me) she stuck strongly with me, and never for a second appeared to regret the decision even when she completely lost her old group of friends. This, I was truly touched by, and still am. I know that for most people, they'd immediately break off their contact with the person who made them unpopular if they had any option to at all. So if anything, I still owe Cat big time for that.

But yeah, you see how complicated my background with this girl is? You might have just told me to go for it, and that I had nothing to lose if I told her my true feelings, but hopefully now, you understand just how special of a friendship this is for me. I might literally kill myself if I ever ruined it over selfish reasons. I mean, don't worry, I'm not usually suicidal or anything. But if anything that heartbreaking happened to me, who knows what I'd do? I don't, nor do I ever wanna find out.

Anyways, I think I've rambled about this issue quite enough already for one night. Besides, it's nearing bedtime for me, and I still got to mentally rehearse my lines for the acting assignment tomorrow once more. Hopefully it'll work out well, but I'm still uncertain about it as of now. That being said, I'll update you as soon as I can about it. Tell you in as much detail as I can remember. For now though, I'll just leave things as they are. Until next time, later!

Robbie.

A/N: Alright, if any of you had to reread to refresh your memory, then there we go. And if some of you remembered the previous version, then you probably noted that there was hardly any difference. But regardless, this is the good copy of chapter 1.

So is there anyone still following me on this one? Once again, my apologies for the year long hiatus...