Mass Effect 3: X-TENDED CUT
- An inane fanfiction authored by Fug Chugson, esq. -
Preface:
The following is an amalgamation of weird thoughts that I have had from the year of 2012 until now. These weird thoughts still continue. I have sought help for them, but every expert I have confided in has come to the conclusion that I'm just a dingus.
After playing Mass Effect 3 in 2012, and upon the announcement of the "Extended Cut" to "fix the ending", I came up with the idea of an ending that would make everybody happy. I started relentlessly channeling these weird thoughts into this "fanfiction" in hopes that my friends and others would enjoy it.
As this story continues, I might add footnotes that will explain the references, because some of them are so obscure they may as well not exist. Don't be perturbed, I'm here for you bb. (Actually, I probably won't be, since I tried and accidentally put them in the reviews, and since this website is fucking archaic, it won't let me delete my own reviews on my own story. Go figure. Also, make a better website pls) I actually will add some though, look at the bottom of each chapter. Should have done that in the first place.
I will post this garbage weekly on Wednesdays probably I don't know.
If you're actually reading this, congratulations. This is your last chance to turn back. No? You actually want to read this atrocity? Well, I guess I can't stop you...
CHAPTER 1
Our Hero
Commander Shepard came through the Massive Relay. The next second, he was followed by the quarian, turian, krogan, batarian, asari, and salarian fleets. He was a badass motherfucker for doing so and getting all the races, even the volus, ewok, hanar, wookiee, vorcha, elcor, elephant, and grizzly bear. Even those Leviathans and the Protheans showed up, because Shepard bought the DLC.
Next the Crucible pulled up, flaunting it's big I-don't-know-what-it's-for thing and strutting its stuff. This made Commodore Shepherd very pleasured.
Then showed up the USS Enterprise, the Millennium Falcon, the back half of UNSC Forward Unto Dawn, and that little UFO thing from The Jetsons.
"Truly this is glorious news, for I will have them in mine cabin to dine tonight," quoth the Shepherd, as he walked away triumphantly, guiding the sheep with his crook. In the distance, he heard a baby cry.
That night, Shepard's cabin was alive with mirth and frivolity. He invited to dine many a dignitary of the respective factions now under his haughty command. Among them were Captain Jean-Luc "Lucky" Picard of the USSR Enterprise, Commander George Lucas Skywalker (known colloquially as "Luke") of the Millennial Falconer, Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy of the butt of the ship that used to be known as the USMC Forward Into Don (Master Chief loves Mad Men), and that other guy that Shepard didn't recognize named Admiral "The Arbiter" Anderson. Comrade Shepard was very pleased to have a party with so many new friends. He prepared a speech.
Ding ding ding! He tapped on his glass with his metal phallus. A speech!
"Hi you guys! I'm so happy that you're here! We're going to have a big party! But first we must beat the Reapers."
There was dissent and assent among the dignitaries.
"I thought we showed up for a party," said Sir Lucas Guytalker.
"Yeah, this guy dun swindled us!" came another exclamation, apparently from that other guy.
"Clam down, all of you!" Shepard was angry, but he need to keep his clam. He had to get angry later, at the Reapers. "The Reapers have made alliances with a lot of other bad guys, and we gots to fight them, K?"
There came a resounding "K" from the crowd as everyone agreed.
Master Chief was the only guy who didn't K. Shepard asked him:
"Hey armor guy, why don't you K?"
Master Chief then replied, "Relax. I'd rather not piss this thing off."
"But we gotta! We gotta save the Earth!"
"Wake me... when you need me."
And with that Master Chief fell asleep, right there in Shepard's cabin.
THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY OF THE BIG BATTLE
Shepard was now getting ready to fight. He sent some Bothan spies to figure out what was going on all up in Earth's grill, and after many of them died, they gave him the digs. It turns out that Darth Vadre and his trusty steed, Grand Muff Dick "Tarkin" Cheney, parked the Death Star where the Moon used to be, but he wasn't tricking anyone because the Death Star does not look like the moon at all (especially with the new paintjob). The Reapers were there too, because... well, just go and play the games. I don't want to explain it.
Next in line were the Covenant, who were acting like a bunch of dicks because the Elites weren't on their side, which pretty much meant that they had a bunch of dumbass Brute pilots who knew nothing about actually fighting in vehicles bigger than their bodies. Their current leader was Her Majesty The Honorable Judge Prophet of Truth (or Dare). He was a haughty dude, but he was also a chick, and he/she was ugly as a rat's taint. This made him even more of a dick because Arbiter was pretty.
Anyway, the Romulans and the Klingons showed up, because, as everyone knows, nobody likes them because they don't like anyone. Maybe the Borg was there too, I don't remember.
So the Shepard figured out this stuff, as well as got the receipts from his shoe shopping, as he was going to return every pair because they "weren't fierce enough" to fight the Reapers with. After that day, Shepard was never going shoe shopping with Garrus again.
Shepherd wanted to have a meeting with his new friends. He really liked the thought of having new friends, which is why he has had different team members every game, but Mass Effect 3 only had James, and James kind of sucked. He didn't consider Javik a friend because, well, Shepard was quite the racist. He was constantly throwing around insults like "hey, four-eyes" and "stop looking at my dick, faggot", which made Javik kind of angry, but he didn't really care because he knew Shepard was calling him a faggot because the accuser was insecure about his own sexual orientation. Let's continue.
Shepard called together everyone in a meeting in his cabin. Chief was still asleep, standing up, like some kind of horse, and it kind of bothered the Shepard. But whatever. Mucus Flyswatter was pretty happy about fighting, cause his dad was working for Darth Vader's mother in law, or something like that. Shepard didn't really care.
"Hay you guys," said Shepard with a rapist wit.
"Yes what is it," said everyone else, kind of offended that he didn't care about Luke's story.
"The Rapers are going to get totally pounded tonight. It's gonna be so cool..." and then he trailed off into a tangent about floppy ass and team bukkake, which kind of disturbed Captain Pickaxe. But they agreed with him 103.2%, because they were all pretty bad at math.
This was the game plan: Arbiter was going to kick ass and chew gum with Comrade Shaperd, while Picard commanded the USS Enterprise on a strike team mission thing to blow up the Death Star. Luke and Admirals Allah and Akbar were gonna get in their big old ships and shoot lots of big laser guns at the bad guys, and Admiral Hack-it was going to take the Crucible for a joyride straight into the Citadel, which was sitting in front of Earth. It was going to be a surprise attack, because all the bad guys were hosting a prestigious banquet on the Citadel and it was so snobby that Shepard decided he would go in there and "make sure everyone's slutty blue trophy wives were fucked equally by his biotic member" (the asari consort is still a very profitable business on the Citadel).
After the meeting in Shepard's cabin, Liara was so proud of Shepard that she dropped down and proposed to him on the spot. Shepard was gonna accept, and then he realized it would be a perfect time for her to tickle his peeny, so she reluctantly obliged. Shepard woke up the next morning with the engagement ring on his pee pee. Luckily he was able to pull it off, but now he didn't wanna put it on his finger for obvious reasons. So he gave it to Legion, who just didn't care because he couldn't get sick from dickworm.
THE DAY OF THE BIG BATTLE
Shepard was now staging the attack. Shepard was standing on the deck of the itty bitty little shippy ship, SSV Norman D. Everyone was in position. Everything was going according to plan for Dr. Shepard. They closed in on the Citadel for the attack. The bad guys had no idea what was going on.
Just then something very weird happened. The Klingons, who had previously been touching dicks and watching vulcan porn, not looking out the windows, started moving into position. Shepard's sources told him that the porn servers on Earth finally got knocked out by the Reapers, because the Reapers are very religiously conservative, and they hate porn. Because of this, the Klingons were not masturbating and engaging in ruff-housery, and saw the big-ass fleet out the window. Shepard spouted off a couple tame curse words and then later apologized to his invisible mother for doing so. Shepard had a kind soul.
"Quick!" shouted Shepard on the bridge of the Omaha Beach. "Fire up the porn servers and amplify our WiFi signal! Let's move people!"
Shepard's plan was to relay the Klingons some really fucked-up porn to keep them occupied and make it look like the servers were only down temporarily. Everyone knows the Klingons are easily distracted by weird porn.
"Shepard!" said XO Pressly. "I've found some really, really fucked up stuff here."
"Let me see it," Shepard scoffed. He went over and looked at it, and snortled with a sheepish chin. "Preposterous! Human millipede is so mainstream! Hand it over, Bentley!"
Shepard grabbed the computer from XD Prestley, who was stunned that his tastes didn't fit Shepherd's. Shepard was onto something here. "Yes. Yes! YESSS!" Shepard licked his teeth in anticipation. It was all he could do to stop himself from jacking off right there. "Send this shit, bitch!"
Pressly looked at the screen. He pooped out of his mouth in disgust. After shakily wiping up, he started to cry. "Commander," he stuttered out. "It's... perfect."
Shepard, now covered in Pretzely's bile-infused feces, agreed. He had an enormous erection - one even his tight armor couldn't contain. Everyone on the bridge saw it and gagged. "Send it now, Penthouse. Send it now."
"Loading into WiFi space cannon now," his heterosexual secretary Kelly Chambers said with a twinge of excitement.
There was a big boom. "Porn is away," said someone on deck.
Shepard waited for what seemed like hours. Months. Years. Then, finally, after an excruciatingly long wait, the Klingon ships turned around and ignored Shepard's fleet.
Shepard's boner receded back into itself. He exhaled slowly. He was sweating so hard there was a pool of white stuff in his pa- no wait, that's semen. That was his semen. Don't wanna get those mixed up.
Shepard grinned. The plan was starting to work. He looked out the window. Admiral Hatchet was pulling the Crucible with what appeared to be none other than an early-1900's tugboat. Shepard shook his head. Hackett was a fucking genius.
He looked to his left. Commodore Pick-a-card-any-card had turned the USS Enterprize into a pimped-out Trojan horse, and it was looking so fly that the bad guys probably couldn't wait to get their grubby paws on it. Not before I get my grubby paws on them... Shepard thought. I will have their blood on my hands...TONIGHT!
Shepard looked ahead. The Citadel was looking like a giant penis, and High Charity and the Death Star became the testicles. Shepherd howled with laughter. It was a great day for phallic superstructure enthusiasts.
"Engage stealth drives!" Shepard was getting feisty.
"Yessir Mr. Shepard sir" replied the now cleaned up XXX Priestly. Shepard turned invisible. "Fuck," said Shepard. "Not me, bitch. The ship."
"Oh, of course sir. I'm a so sorry sir."
"No, Liara's so asari. Samara's so asari. You're just a bloody buttpirate. Now get back to work, Printing Press!" Sheperd had now shed his layer of frustration by taking it out on his crew. Yes, passive-aggressiveness was key to leadership, and Shepard was a bitchin' leader.
Shepard contacted his mildly ethnic lesbian secretary, Samantha Traynor. "Is armor guy still asleep?"
"Yes sir," came the thick, British reply. "He exhibits no signs of being awake."
"Dag gummit! What's his fuckin problem?"
"I don't know sur-"
"SHUDDUP!" Shepard could deal with this. He called Luke. "What's going on over there?"
"We're getting in position to fire the big guns," said Puke. "Oh SHIT-"
There was green flash from the Daft Star. Then there was a splosion.
"Wat's goin on over there? Is everything K?"
"One of our big ships a splode! We's got to attack! I'm getting in my X-Wig!"
"I gotchu!" Shepard addressed his krew. "Let's do this, gang! Rise and shine!"
His bridge crew all woke up and got out of bed reluctantly, still in their PJ's. Shepard slept completely nude, and Pressly was uncomfortable having to share a bed with him. Shepard didn't care because he thought that his micropenis was big in comparison to Wrex's. And, unfortunately, it was. But let us continue.
Leia and Han Solo were on the Centurial Pelican, flying around 'cause they were probably doing something irresponsible like drinking or doing each other. They were gonna have to attack the Death Star because the Death Star's existence was merely a turn-off. Also, their good ol' buddy Luke (who they actually didn't like because he was a cocky SOB) told them to. But that wasn't too important, obviously.
Chewus Baccius was a very classy wookiee. He was saved by Shepard on that one planet because Shepard was a good guy to him. The Empire - I mean, the Reapers - killed his family, so he hooked up with Hans one day and they decided that they would rule the galaxy. Then the Reapers came and bought his family's land before sending him to a work camp up north. Chewy swore that one day he would avenge his family's honor on the Reapers by sticking his furry foot up their "bloody buttholes". As I said before, he was classy.
Chewius decided it would be beneficial to himself and his furry member to do the skedaddle and get with Luke and the gang, because Hand was totally driving himself into a... I can't remember the word, something having to do with ambush, or something like that. It's a pretty simple word, I just can't think of it. Whatever.
Anyway, after Admiral Osama bin Ackbar had proceeded with his morning prayers, he and his brother Mohammed proceeded to the viewscreen to see what was up. Now Admiral Ackybar was a "pimp-ass nigga", and dem "wack-ass muh'fuckas" made him very cross. But whatever. He, Luke, and Chewius Bacca had a bitchin plan.
Here was the plan: they were gonna use their swagtor beams to swagger onto the Death Star and somehow assist in blowing it up. It was a suicide mission, but Chewie was depressed anyway. All they had to do was slip in past the shields on a Peregrine Falcon, blow the thing, and run. And the shields were down.
They...were down, right?
REFERENCES
Para. 19 - Dick Cheney. Look it up.
Para. 44 - This is a reference to a very old YouTube video series called "Wizard People, Dear Reader", which is just Brad Neely overdubbing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with his own script. In one scene, Harry decides that he will try to implicate Snake (Snape) in something sinister, saying "I will have his blood on my hands... tonight!" It's inane, but a lot smarter and better written than what you have read and hopefully will read here. Look it up.