[CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS IN ON A FILTHY HOBO ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER OF A DILAPIDATED SHACK. HE IS STRUNG-OUT, GIGGLING, AND MISSING CLUMPS OF HAIR. A GLASS JAR SITS BESIDE HIM WITH THE WORD "POOT" SCRAWLED ACROSS THE LABEL. HE REACHES FOR THE POOT, UNSCREWS THE LID AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH, FALLING UNDER ITS SPELL AS THE PICTURE FADES TO BLACK AND THE "FULL HOUSE" THEME BEGINS]
[ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TANNER RESIDENCE FADES TO UNCLE JESSE'S BASEMENT STUDIO]
DJ: Goddammit all to hell. I know Uncle Jesse keeps cash down here somewhere.
[DJ LIFTS THE LID FROM UNCLE JESSE'S DECORATIVE ELVIS PRESLEY COOKIE JAR]
DJ: Jackpot!
[SHE SURRUPTITIOUSLY REACHES IN AND BEGINS TO COUNT THE CONTENTS]
DJ: Eighty-five... ninety-five... twenty thousand dollars! Now that's a spicy meatball!
[SHE POCKETS THE MONEY AND RACES UPSTAIRS, FORGETTING TO REPLACE THE LID ON THE COOKIE JAR. UNCLE JESSE STEPS OUT OF HIS BASEMENT BATHROOM AFTER SHOWERING. HE IS TOTALLY NUDE AND THE CAMERA LINGERS ON SHOTS OF HIS GROIN AREA WHICH IS OBSCURED BY A DENSE MAT OF BLACK HAIR AS HE SINGS "HEART-BREAK HOTEL" IMPERSONATINGLY]
UNCLE JESSE: This is going to be a splendid day! Just splendid! I've finally saved enough money playing gigs with the Rippers to procure my very own apartment. I can finally move out of this festering rat's nest and begin living independently; a true testament to my indomitable Mexican spirit.
[HE NOTICES THE LID HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM HIS ELVIS COOKIE JAR AND PROCEEDS TO INSPECT IT]
UNCLE JESSE: What da fuckin' fuck?! Who da fuck took my apartment money?!
[UNCLE JESSE RUNS UPSTAIRS (STILL NUDE) AND DEMANDS THAT A FAMILY MEETING TAKE PLACE AT ONCE. THE FAMILY, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DJ, GATHERS IN THE KITCHEN]
DANNY: Jesse, you're dripping wet!
[DANNY SLIPS COASTERS UNDER JESSE'S FEET TO KEEP THE FLOOR DRY]
[LAUGHTER]
JESSE: Hey y'all... the reason I called this family meeting is 'cause somebody stole money out my fuggin' cookie jar and I wanna know just who the hell it was. I needs that money. I needs it to escape this domestic shit-show.
[THE FAMILY LOOKS AROUND AT EACH OTHER AND NOTICES DJ IS MISSING. THEY ALSO NOTICE THAT UNCLE JESSE IS TOTALLY NUDE BUT CHOOSE TO IGNORE IT]
STEPHANIE: Where's DJ? She's probably the scum bag who took your money, uncle Jay-Jay.
MICHELLE: I saw her running down the street!
DANNY: I know how we can track her.
[DANNY PRESSES A HANDFUL OF DJ'S USED TAMPONS TO COMET'S NOSE]
DANNY: Follow that scent, boy!
[LAUGHTER]
[COMET RUNS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND THE FAMILY FOLLOWS]
[ESTABLISHING SHOT OF DILAPIDATED SHACK FADES TO INTERIOR WHERE KIMMY GIBBLER IS JONESING FOR POOT. SHE SCRATCHES HERSELF AND WAITS IMPATIENTLY FOR THE DOOR TO FLING OPEN. DJ ENTERS AND CROUCHES BESIDE HER]
DJ: Kimmy, this is crazy! You can't keep doing drugs!
KIMMY: Did you bring the money, bitch? I just need one more dose of poot and I'm done with it.
[SEVERAL TEETH FALL FROM HER MOUTH AS SHE SPEAKS]
DJ: Come back home with me. We'll take care of you. You look terrible! And what's that smell?
KIMMY: It's the poot. Poot is a highly concentrated form of Japanese men's farts. I need a certain amount of it just to feel normal.
DJ: Ewww! What do you do with it?
KIMMY: Gimme the money, bitch, and I'll show you.
[DJ RELUCTANTLY EXTENDS THE $20,000 SHE STOLE FROM UNCLE JESSE. KIMMY SNATCHES IT FROM HER HAND AND TAPS ON A PLYWOOD HATCH IN THE WALL. THE HATCH DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND JAPANESE MEN ARE SEEN IN THE ADJOINING ROOM, FARTING INTO GLASS RECEPTACLES AND SOBBING WOEFULLY. KIMMY SLAPS THE MONEY DOWN AND IT IS QUICKLY EXCHANGED FOR A GLASS JAR, THEN THE PLYWOOD DOOR SLIDES SHUT AGAIN]
KIMMY: Come to mamma!
DJ: What are you gonna do with-
[BUT NO SOONER CAN SHE FINISH HER SENTENCE IS KIMMY INHALING THE CONTENTS OF THE JAR. HER EYES ROLL BACK IN HER HEAD AS SHE SLIDES DOWN THE WALL AND SLUMPS OVER ON HER SIDE, GIGGLING AND DRIFTING AWAY]
DJ: Kimmy! Can you hear me?!
KIMMY: [BREATHING RAGGEDLY] Thanks a million, Tannerito... catch ya... on the... flippity...
DJ: Kimmy! Kimmy can you hear me?! Wake up!
[DJ SHAKES HER FRIEND BETWEEN PLAINTIVE CRIES TO GOD, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. SHE PICKS UP THE JAR OF POOT AND CURSES IT.]
DJ: You took my friend, you fuck-jar!
[SHE SMASHES THE POOT AGAINST THE WALL. THE PLYWOOD DOOR SLIDES OPEN. DJ INSTINCTIVELY CLUTCHES WILDLY THROUGH THE VOID BUT NOONE'S THERE. THE ROOM WITH THE FARTING JAPANESE MEN IS NOW EMPTY AND FILLED WITH WHITE LIGHT. A GENTLE, DISTANT CHOIR IS HEARD. A BEAM OF THE LIGHT SHINES THROUGH THE HATCH DOOR AND ONTO DJ'S FACE. IT WARMS HER SOUL AS IT MOVES DOWN HER BODY, PAUSING AT HER BREASTS WHICH SPOTANEOUSLY ENLARGE TO OCTUPLE THEIR ORIGINAL SIZE. THE LIGHT SLOWLY CONTINUES DOWNWARD AND ACROSS THE FLOOR, ILLUMINATING THE POOT JAR WHICH HAS SOMEHOW BEEN RESTORED AND SEALED. DJ PICKS IT UP AND EXAMINES IT AS THE HATCH DOOR SLAMS SHUT AGAIN]
DJ: Ay carumba!
[AS SHE CAUTIOUSLY FONDLES THE JAR OF POOT AND ADMIRES THE HEFT OF HER NEW JUICE JUGS, THE FRONT DOOR OF THE DRUG DEN SWINGS OPEN AND COMET RUSHES IN. HE TACKLES DJ TO THE FLOOR AND SAVAGELY TEARS HER LIMB FROM LIMB. THE REST OF THE TANNER CLAN FOLLOWS AFTER AND WITNESSES THE GRIZZLY SPECTACLE. UNCLE JOEY NOTICES THE JAR OF POOT AND QUICKLY SEIZES IT.]
UNCLE JOEY: Back in my day, poot was never this strong. [HE SPEAKS AS COMET CONTINUES HIS RAMPAGE] Sure, I liked to party, but it never got out of hand. Kids today certainly-
[MICHELLE TAKES THE JAR FROM HIS HAND, REMOVES THE LID AND BREATHES IN THE INTOXICATING AROMA]
MICHELLE: It... smells... like... like...
[SHE COLLAPSES AND THE FAMILY SURROUNDS HER. DANNY PLACES HIS HAND BEHIND HER HEAD AS SHE WHISPERS HER FINAL WORDS]
MICHELLE: It smelled ...like... like... stank sauce.
[DANNY IMEDAITELY SNAPS HER NECK TO END HER, AND HIS, SUFFERING, AND THE SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBERS RETURN TO THEIR HOME]
[ESTABLISHING SHOT OF TANNER RESIDENCE FADES TO INTERIOR SHOT OF KITCHEN. THE FAMILY IS GATHERED AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE FINISHING A LARGE MEXICAN MEAL IN HONOR OF UNCLE JESSE'S HERITAGE]
STEPHANIE: Welp... it looks like I'm an only-child now! Does this mean better birthday gifts?
[MILD LAUGHTER]
DANNY: No, sweetheart. It means more chores. And you can start by clearing the table.
[ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGHTER]
UNCLE JOEY: Hey gang, after Stephanie finishes cleaning up, let's do some brainstorming exercises pertaining to how we can exploit her youthful vigor and strong back in order to recoup uncle Jesse's lost apartment funds.
[STEPHANIE IS NOT GIVEN A VOTE, BUT THE REST OF THE FAMILY PROMPTLY AGREES. AS STEPHANIE SOLOMNLEY CLEARS THE TABLE AND RETURNS A PITCHER OF ORANGE JUICE TO THE REFRIGERATOR, SHE NOTICES A FAMILIAR GLASS JAR ON THE BACK SHELF, RADIATING A WARM, WHITE LIGHT]
THE END.