Author's Note: This parody may get a little weird at times, and if you're
not prepared to deal with this, I suggest you stop immediately. I would
also advise you not to read if you like stories with actual plots, 'cause
this one doesn't have any sort of discernable storyline, and was written on
a whim. It consists of a few choice cats who are being forced to make a
very strange movie (which also has no plot) and making fun of it and the
others in as many ways as are imaginable. There are a few Monty Python
references, too, so if you can't handle the insanity, leave. NOW!! Before
it's too late. And to those who do end up reading this, I hope you like it.
If you don't, tough. And in case any of you are wondering, the deep
emotional scars that I'm about to inflict upon your tender and
impressionable minds should go away eventually. But for now, enjoy, and
when you get stuck in one of those nice rooms with the white padded walls,
I just want to let you know that I told you so!
Macavity- Evil sorcerer dude. He's a hippie who loves to drink diet Pepsi with his Munster cheese every day. He writes down all his 'evil,' *cough cough,* plans with his beloved purple gel pen. He is in love with his pet dragon, which he names Rachael.
Mistoffelees- He's the good wizard dude. He's also a hippie, and is in love with the color green. He is, however, totally 100% perfect, despite his utter shortness, and all the women love him, including Rachael the dragon, which he despises. He has never truly looked at any other girl but Roxanne, whom he has been madly in love with ever since he first met her at Munkustrap's booze party.(That last part doesn't really relate to the movie.)
Roxanne- The sexiest, most beautiful girl cat ever. She is perfect in every way, with an incredibly sweet disposition, yet she can kick butt if ever need be. She is the good witch of the random arrow on the compass rose, a.k.a., north north north east. She has previously defeated the two evil witches of other random arrows on the compass rose, Jennyanydots and Jellylorum, who had been plotting to flood the castle with *gasp!*, moist doggy chow! Duhn, duhn, duuuuuuhn! (Evil music plays while Jenny and Jelly laugh maniacally.) Roxanne also hates gel pens, is a total hippie, and is madly in love with Mistoffelees, the wizard who has the shorter name.
Rachael- Macavity's evil dragon pet who is head over claws in love with Mistoffelees and Macavity. She is not a hippie (sadly), and loves to doodle fake tattoos all over herself with Macavity's numerous gel pens.
Etcetera- Seems like a common, dim-witted peasant, but in reality is an evil genius alien who ends up.wait! I can't tell you what happens!
(ENOUGH already, get on with the story! I think they all get what's going on! Well, not really, but anyways!)
Okay, Tugger, whatever. Once upon a time.
(Wait!)
What now, Tugger?! (Sounds exasperated.)
(You forget to tell them who I play! I'm hurt. Waaaah!)
Shut up, Tugger, you're not even in this parody. Now be quiet, sit down, and let all this evil, mindless chatter fill your head and eat away excruciatingly slowly at you puny brain.
(All right, fine then. I'll just go off, all alone, and sulk. All by myself. With no one else. Not a soul to comfort my mortally wounded spirit. No sympathy whatso.) His voice fades off slowly as he FINALLY leaves.
Fine, you do that. Anywho, where was I? Oh, yeah. Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
(Isn't that another story?)
No, actually, it's not. In this galaxy that was, believe it or not, far, far away, the evil alien empress Etcetera the great sat upon her 'throne,' which looked suspiciously like a reformed cardboard box, laughing with the crazed laughter that was not yet commonly heard in those parts.
Etcetera- Yes! Finally! My thought's can be heard! The world can finally see my glory! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...don't you think that might be enough 'ha ha's?'
No, definitely not enough. But for the sake of this utterly pathetic parody, I think we might be able to scratch the rest of them. Why don't you start from where you left off.
Etcetera- Okie dokie, whatever. Ahem, *hack, hack,* I've finally found a way to accomplish my lifetime goal! There is that one obstacle, but I'm sure he can be easily removed. Come, my very unfavorable and corrupted rat minion peoples! We must journey to see the evil sorcerer hippie dude! (With a swish of her tacky magenta and lime-green shawl, Etcetera stalks off the set, which immediately collapses afterwards on top of the rats who are all too incompetent to move when the roof is falling on their bloated heads.)
Cut! That was great, Etcetera. We'll live without the rats. Next scene!
Suddenly, and seemingly magically, everyone is transported to the 'newest' set. Macavity is sitting directly in front of a very large screen TV, grumbling about his costume.
Macavity- I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I thought being a sorcerer sounded cool, and now I'm sitting here in short shorts, watching Sailor Moon and eating powdered doughnuts.
You're not going to complain again, are you? Remember what happened last time?
Macavity- Yeah, yeah, I remember. But I mean, come on, 'My mother says I'm special?' What kind of dufus wears a shirt like that? And in tye-dye? Please, tell me, I'd really like to know. Who would make a shirt like this, anywho?
For your information, Mr. Macavity, you are an evil hippie, hence the tye- dye, and I happen to own a shirt just like that. We got yours from the hobo down the street. I'd say $29.99 is a real bargain, wouldn't you?
Macavity- Bargain? Ha! And by the way, my contract DID cover the cost of my rats. I'll be expecting full payment for them with my paycheck.
I don't recall that part. I could've sworn. Hey, we're wasting precious time, here! Get back to the script! On in three, two, one.ACTION!!
Macavity- Oh, look, Sailor Moon's on again. Woah ho ho, look at that chick! Can I say hot mamma? Ahhh, she reminds me of Demeter. Those lovely curves, tight buns, thick.
Hey! I thought you were supposed to be in love with Roxanne here!
Macavity- Ahhh, Roxanne. Demeter can't even come close to that.wait. You mean in the movie? Oh, right. Uhm, let's see. Sailor Moon, blah, blah, blah, oh, right. But no matter how lovely the stars of this 'dimension X' may be, I can't let my mind wander from my true plans. Sooner or later, Roxanne will be mine! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- hahough-hack-hack-hack. But wait, that doesn't seem right. Let me think.
Etcetera (from off-stage)- You can't, you don't have anything to do it with! (Receives particularly evil looking glare from extremely pissed off director) Oh, right, the script. Ahem, you must kill Mistoffelees, KILL MISTOFFELEES! And why don't you kill yourself and Roxanne, while you're at it.
Macavity (under the powerful influences of previously heard telepathic callings)- Oh, I remember now. I've got to kill Mistoffelees and Roxanne. And maybe I'll commit suicide after that for no particular reason whatsoever. But how to do it. (Starts scribbling madly with prized purple gel pen.)
CUT! That was good, people. Just keep this up and it might not take as long as I was thinking, even with all the *hack, hack,* INTURRUPTIONS!! Next scene. Misto and Roxy, you're up! Mistoffelees? Roxanne? Are you coming?
Misto- I'm not coming out in this. I look like a total freak!
Tugger- I thought you WERE a freak.
Misto- Ha, ha, very funny. Come on, we all knew 'My Mother Says I'm Special' was dumb, but this? I mean, really, have you ever seen anyone wearing a shirt that says 'I say I'm Special?'
Actually, yes, I have a whole collection of stuff like that at home, *sulk.* Tugger, you're supposed to be gone. And you are coming out, Misto. It's just a part of your costume, no one will take it seriously.
Misto- That's what you think. Jellylorum just took my laundry to wash it, I'm going to have to wear this home.
Macavity- Ha ha HA! Misto, are you serious! Wait till I tell the guys!
Misto- You shouldn't be laughing, Mac, she took yours, too. (Receives blank stare from what looks like it could have possibly been a face that is now covered with a thick layer of powdered sugar. Crickets can be heard chirping for a few seconds.)
(Breaking the Silence) Misto, you will come out. And where's Roxanne? She should be here. Tugger, why don't you get on the phone with her and find out why she isn't here yet.
Tugger- Sure thing, boss!
Now, while we wait for that, I have an idea.
Misto- No! Really? I never would have thought such a thing possible.
Actually, I do. It was an addition to your costume that I had forgotten about, but since we've got time... Come on over here (shakes a can of hot pink spray paint behind her back).
Misto- Well, okay. As long as I don't have to look like this.
Don't worry, your costume will be totally re-done when I'm through.
Misto- Why doesn't that sound good. I don't know if I really want to know what you're going to.what's that behind your back?!
Quick, hold him while I spray!
Misto-Aaargh! Not PINK! Please, not pink! Aaaaaah!
Tugger and Alonzo- We've got 'im! (Mistoffelees is sprayed from head to foot with bright, neon pink spray paint.)
Great, now keep him still while I get the blow dryer.
Misto- Nooooooooooooooo!
Alonzo- Don't worry, Misto, the can says it'll come off within a week.
You shouldn't be talking, Alonzo, you're next.
Alonzo-WHAT!!!! (Misto rolls on the floor while laughing hysterically)
Don't you remember? You're the dragon, Rachael. You've got to be green, or else none of this'll work. Misto, get off the floor! You're leaving pink streaks!
Misto- Did any of it come off? Oh, great, it's already dry. Man, I'm going to have to magic myself everywhere. Tugger, any chance you'll get my groceries?
Tugger- No way, dude. I want the extreme pleasure of seeing you teased in public. By the way, Roxanne said she forgot, and she'll be here in about.
Roxanne (Appearing suddenly out of thin air)-I'm here! What's happening? Woa, Misto, Alonzo, what happened to you guys? Misto, you're PINK! Ha ha HA!!!!
Alonzo- Oh, yeah, I bet you think you're real pretty. I can't wait to see your costume.
Roxanne- Actually, this is my costume.
Macavity- No fair! How come she gets to wear normal clothes?
Misto- How can you call that normal? I thought I was the only one who'd ever seen her in a mini-bikini.
Tugger- You've seen her like this before? For the first time in my life, I wish I were you. I wouldn't even mind being so short if I saw her like that regularly.
Roxanne- Shut it, Tugger. I'm short, too.
Tugger- Yes, but with you, it's a nice kind of short. I bet your head would fit perfectly on my shoulder.
Come on, people, let's get this show on the road. Mistoffelees, you've got your lightning scene, right? Roxanne, you stand off to the side and look like he's doing really heroic stuff. You know, fainting and other such damsel-in-distress type behaviors. On in three.two.one.ACTION!!!
Roxanne- Oh, great good wizard, you're so talented. To think that a mere mortal such as yourself would be capable of such heroics. Do that lightning thingy again, would you?
Misto- Sure thing, miss. (Looks up at author) 'Miss?' Since when do I call her 'miss?'
Since now, get over it. Tugger, do you have the artificial lightning producer ready?
Misto- Artificial lightning producer? I DID say that I did all my own effects.
Effects? I thought you meant like stunts and stuff. And after we spent all that money on our 'fancy' equipment.
Misto- Wait a minute. You don't have my stunt man? Oh, great. And I thought this thing couldn't get any worse. What kind of stunts?
Didn't you read the script? Let's see, diving headfirst off a cliff, falling into a crocodile-infested moat, being thrown wildly into the air by our dragon, kissing Macavity.
Misto- Kissing Macavity? That's it, I'm leaving. I refuse to be subjected to this sort of cruel and unusual form of ancient torture. Call me for the next parody, will you? No, wait, don't. I never want to be involved in one of these things ever again.
Okay, we can skip the kissing. Well, not all the kissing.
Misto- Don't tell me I'm supposed to kiss the dragon.
No, the dragon kisses you. But there are a few scenes where you get to make out with Roxanne.
Tugger- Ooh, now I really want his part! I've always dreamed of snogging little miss Foxy Roxy.
Roxanne- I you keep talking like that, you'll have a lot more time to dream, Mr. 'I never know when to quit.'
Alonzo- Foxy Roxy, eh? Where'd that come from? And do you really want to say that about Misto's girl? You've seen what he can do when he gets mad.
Tugger- Very true. Never mind. On with the show. If you can call it a show.
Misto- Okay, here goes nothing.
Etcetera- Is there really such thing as nothing?
Roxanne- Yeah, your brain. Get on with it, Misto.
Misto- Why don't we change the line, to cause less confusion and make it more true to life. Here goes everything.*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! *sizzle*
Roxanne- Okay, who did it? Who threw the water?
Tugger- Oops. I really didn't mean to, I swear. But if he can't act anymore, I'd be happy to.
No, Tugger. I think we've had enough of your particular brand of sass for one day. Maybe the whole year. You are dismissed. Alonzo, ring up Munkustrap and see if he can come do stage crew.
Alonzo- Sure thing.
Roxanne, see if you can figure out how to revive him, and then get Tugger out of the building.
Roxanne- No need, boss. I think he's come to just enough to escort Tugger for me *giggle.* Tugger! Unless you particularly WANT to be zapped into near nothing-ness by a small, hot pink pile of very wet and glowing fur, I suggest you evacuate the premises immediately.
Tugger- Wadaya mean? Oh, that. Misto, I already said I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. You can stop the sparkling thing now. Really, you can. Misto! What are you doing?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*
Misto- I don't think Tugger will be able to leave anytime soon. He seems to be too caught up in his personal affairs to be bothered with such trivial matters. Now let's get on with the scene.
Good. At least someone around here can handle the cast and crew. All right, where were we? Oh, yeah. Macavity, get ready for your part. And don't forget the pocket protector and gel pens.
Macavity- What on earth would make you think I'd want to forget something as totally necessary as that? I feel hurt that you don't trust me.
Great, whatever. Come on, let's go. Roxanne, your line
Roxanne- Oh, great and powerful wizard Mistoffelees, you're so brave, and so talented, and so, ahhhhhhhhh, GALANT.
Macavity- Mmmhf mm mhnfff morffm mmrmmhrffff mm mmffh?
All- WHAT?
Alonzo- Why don't you try that WITHOUT the powdered doughnuts.
Macavity- Mmfh. *Gulp.* I faid, dob't you fink you mighmt be obermooing ib a bit?
Misto- Actually, I thought it was rather nice.
You would. Now, and again I say WITHOUT interruptions, on with the show.
Misto- Sweet damsel, who standeth here before my humble form in all thy greatness, I thank ye profusely for such flattery as ye doth giveth me. How would'st thou fancy coming be with me to my modest abode.
Roxanne- Why, to be certain, fair gentleman. And if we doth journey forward to dealest with somewhat more personal affairs, should'st we not talk as any normal human being would'st do? This particular form of speech, however eloquent it may be-est, doth persist in twisteth-ing my tongue so that I shall no longer be ablest to speakest within a short period of time.
Misto- Sure thang, babe! Youse gots to come wif me to my house, then we can party all we want! If youse knows what I means!
Roxanne- Sure, hot stuff, I'd love to. But that isn't exactly what I meant by 'talking normally.' How about you tone it down a notch, okay? No matta how much I loves to hear youse talk to me like that, hon, it just ain't what I gots in mind.
Cut! That was one of the best scenes we've done so far. Not that we have that much to compare it to, but still. Hey, Alonzo, has Munkustrap gotten here yet?
Alonzo- Nope. He just called to say he's stuck in a traffic jam and won't be here for about another hour, at the least.
Oh, great. This just isn't my day, is it?
Roxanne- Yes! No more acting for an hour!
Well, actually, I was thinking we could try to revive Tugger till he gets here, and.
Roxanne- Wait a minute. Revive Tugger? I think I'll pass. Alonzo, get Munk on the phone, I think I may be able to transport him here if I can get a link of some sort.
Alonzo- I'll be right on it. I'm as adverse to waking that thing up as you are.
Okay. Misto, while we're waiting, why don't I get you dried off.
Misto- Yes, please. I don't want this pink stuff to get any more permanent. Hey, do you really want to leave your video camera there? Right in that big cleared area?
Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?
*Crash!*
Misto- That's why.
Roxanne! Why did you have to go and do that?!
Roxanne- What did I do?
Munkustrap(climbing out of his car)- Hi, all! What's up? Hey, boss, what's the matter?
Munk, would you PLEASE get your #%!#%$ car off of my camera! That is not a request!
Roxanne- Oops.
Oops is right. It had better be all right, or.oh, no. Why me. What did I do to deserve this?
Misto- Yes! No more filming!
Alonzo- Roxanne, you rock!
Macavity- Mmmfh!
Sorry to burst your little bubble of happiness, guys, but I just happened to have the foresight to bring my video camera from home. And the recording tape wasn't damaged, so we won't have to redo anything.
Roxanne- Aaaaaaah! Let me out, please!
Alonzo- All the doors are locked! HELP!
Misto- What did you do to this place, I can't even use my magic to get out!
Macavity- I'm still here! This isn't right. I'm never supposed to be there.
Well, it looks like we'll have to stay here a bit longer, then. I guess the manager just locked up and went home.
Roxanne- But didn't he know that we were.hey! You didn't even bother to tell them we were using their studio!? What kind of director are you?!
Munk- You probably don't want to know. Now why am I here?
You are going to fill in for Tugger as the stage crew.
Munk- Why isn't Tugger doing his job?
Alonzo- Never pour water on Misto while he's doing his lightning thingy. Nothing good can possibly come out of it.
Munk- Oh. I understand. By the way, did you know you're green?
Alonzo- I think we discussed that at the beginning. I'm supposed to be the dragon. And Misto is a hot pink wizard.
Roxanne- Very hot!
Alonzo- .who is about to go back to his castle with Roxanne to do, ah, things.
Munk- Really? Hey, Misto! Can we trade jobs?
Misto- No way, man. That's my girl, lay off.
People? Back to the scene? Munk, would you get the backdrop, please?
Munk- Sure. This castle-looking one?
Yep, that's the one. Make sure is doesn't come down.backwards. (Heaves a long sigh that lasts about a minute.)
Munk- Oops. Sorry. I really didn't mean to.hey! What are you doing with that can of spray paint? Uh oh.
Misto and Alonzo- Run!!!
Munk- AAAAHH!!! I'm turning.purple? Why purple? And getitoff getitoff getitoff!!!
No reason. But I've already run out of green and pink, what was I supposed to do? By the way, that stuff doesn't come off.
Munk- WHAT! Misto, Alonzo, tell me it's not true!
Misto- If it's not true, why am I still pink? (There is a dramatic wail from Munkustrap that can be heard all throughout the studio.)
You know, I just had an idea. I've got another can of paint left, baby blue. And Tugger's still asleep, right?.
*A few minutes later, after the last can of spray paint is emptied.*
Okay, people, back to the movie!
Roxanne- Before we start, I just have one question. Is there an actual plot to this play, or are we just running around like maniacs trying to make you happy?
Truthfully? Do you really think you can handle the trauma? There is absolutely no plot whatsoever, the author has just gone completely insane and is typing random things for her own personal and demented pleasure and fulfillment. Does that answer your question?
Roxanne- Please, the horror! Don't tell me any more! I think I'm going to puke. (Sounds of very sick cat upchucking strategically in the author's shoes)
Okie dokie, whatever. Misto and Roxanne, it's time.
Misto- Really? Yes! This is the whole reason I agreed to do this thing.
Etcetera- What are you two going to do?
Alonzo- They're going to go do big cat things. All alone. In a tiny little box.
Etcetera- That's kind of close.
Misto- That's the whole idea. Roxanne, you coming?
Roxanne (from inside the box)- Already there, Misty-wisty.
Misto- (takes a deep breath) Wish me luck!
Alonzo, Munk and Etc.- Good luck!
Like he'll need it. Hey, what are you doing?!
Roxanne- Closing the box. This is kind of private, you know.
Etcetera- What's private? *gasp* You don't mean..
Misto- No way! This isn't a pervert show! We're just kissing.in the extreme.*grin*
But I'm supposed to be filming you!
Misto- (muffled voice) Too bad. You'll live.
You're right, I probably will. Munkustrap, camera x is on, right?
Munk- Oh, yeah. You should see this. Whoa, I didn't know that you could do that! Wait a minute, the picture's a bit fuzzy.does that thing run on batteries, cause if it does, it's gone dead.
Yeah, it does. Here, let me look. Misto, Roxanne, open up, I need something.
Roxanne- Here's the camera, now bug off! (Passes camera through small hole in box.)
Great, thanks.hey! Where are the batteries?
Misto- What batteries?
(Fuming, with thick black smoke pouring out of her ears) That's it. I can't work under these conditions. You two, get out here, NOW!
Misto and Roxanne- Yes ma'am.
Now, you two WILL cooperate for the rest of this film, do you understand! That is not a question, or a request, it is an order. Do I make myself clear!
Misto and Roxanne (saluting)- Ma'am yes ma'am!
Good. (Sighs) I feel better now that I've purged myself.
Roxanne- Before we move on, I have another question.
(Sounds exasperated) What is it this time, Anna?
Roxanne- PLEASE don't call me that! But anyways, was there an actual point to that last scene? Does it connect with the, um, 'plot' in any way whatsoever? And if it doesn't, then why did we do it?
Um, actually, that had absolutely nothing to do with the deranged plot, whatever that may be, whatsoever. I think the author may have been doing that for the sole purpose that she felt like having you two make out.
Misto- You know, that's kind of sick.
Really? I'm surprised you think so. After all, Roxanne is modeled after her.
Alonzo- Would you by any chance happen to have the author's phone number? *Grin*
I would, but it's not like I'm going to hand my phone number to.oops. My secret's out.
All- You're the author!!!
Well, yah. How else would I know everything about this thing? This story that I'm just writing for the heck of it? This thing that can't even be called a story because it have no conceivable plot that anyone knows of? (Ends up hyperventilating and passes out on the floor. Don't ask how she's still writing this.)
Macavity- Yes! She's unconscious! Let's make a run for it!
Roxanne- Run away, run away!
Alonzo- Two things. One, not many people know about the Monty Python and the Holy Grail obsession you have, so quit it. Two, um, uh.I've forgotten. Move along. Now that we're done with that, let's all RUN AWAY!!!!
Misto- Becoming quite a hypocrite, aren't we Alonzo.
Alonzo- You and me both, buddy. Now are we going to leave or not?
Misto- I'd say not, unless we can get to that tiny little window in the ceiling. The doors are all locked, remember.
Alonzo- Well, we might as well try for the window, before she wakes up.
(Director/author mysteriously happens to come to right at that moment.) Too late. None of you are going anywhere till you've finished going through this hell I have so generously created for you. Come on, Alonzo, Macavity, you're on now.
Macavity- Do we have to?
Yes.
Macavity- Fine. Let's do it.
Great. That's the attitude that I look for in my actors.
Roxanne- Hey!
And actresses. Okay. Here we go, out of the frying pan, into the fire. You know, that is so lame. I wonder who actually says that anymore. Come to think of it, why did I say it?
Misto- I think it's just supposed to add the insanity of this writing piece.
Ah, okay. Now, let's get rolling. We've only gotten into the first five minutes of the actual movie, and I'd kind of like to try my luck with Pinocchio.
Alonzo- Finally, something with a plot.
Roxanne- Pinocchio has a plot?
Whatever, does it really matter. Filming in three, two, one.ACTION!!!
Macavity- Um, let's see.evil dragon Rachael, now is our chance to bring them to their downfall! Go, attack them as they make love to one another. (Points at the box that is actually painted to resemble a castle. It was before, too, but the deranged and completely loopy author forgot to mention it.)
Alonzo- (In lovey-dovey voice simply dripping with femininity.) Oh, yes, wonderful Lord Macavity. I've always dreamed of squeezing my widdle Misto- Wisto honey- suckle baby-bobkins, and finally getting rid of that awful Roxanne. Little Miss Perfect, she always was. Beating me in all our classes. Now's my chance to show her up. (Stomps off menacingly towards the castle-box, which he promptly destroys. Roxanne and Misto make screaming noises from off stage.)
Macavity- Yes! YES!!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! He's finally gone! Yippeeee! Now I can go home and give myself gel-pen poisoning, so that I can complete the evil ring of bloody death and destruction that I have so cunningly created! Again, I feel that evil laughter coming on.wait, here it comes.Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!
Was that in your script? That gel-pen part?
Macavity- Yes, it was. Do you really think that I'd say something like that out of my own free will?
Well, actually.
Macavity- Fine, just say it. I'm not loved. Waaaaaaaaaah!
Shut up, you little twerp, unless you want to be neon yellow. I had one more can that I was going to save, but if the need arises.
Misto- How come you keep talking like that. You know, with the little dot dot dot thingy.
Because I can.
Roxanne- Just because you have the power doesn't mean you should use it.
Ha, ha, very funny. Actually, it is. You go, girl!
Roxanne- Whatever. Now are we done?
Nope, one more scene to go. We've got to find Etcetera, she's the only one still alive in the movie besides Rachael. Has anyone seen her?
Misto- Nope, not for a while.
Roxanne- I was wondering where she was. She's been sort of quiet. Not like her at all.
Alonzo- Did anyone see where she went after her scene?
Macavity- Hey, over here. Look at this.
(They all crowd around Munkustrap's car and look inside at the seat Macavity was pointing to.)
There she is, asleep. Now that we've found her, let's go find Munk.
Alonzo- Why?
Misto- Because he's the one with the keys to the car, duh!
Alonzo- Oh, right.
Munkustrap (walks in a door that no one noticed previously)- Hi, guys! Anything new?
Roxanne- Where did you go? And how did you get out of here? I thought everything was locked.
Munk- Well, it turns out little miss high and mighty author forgot about the back door, the one that opens into the alley behind this cursed stage. And I REALLY needed my Java. Really, I did.
Macavity- You know what this means?
What now, Mac?
Macavity- If that door is open.WE'RE FREE!!!!!!!
All- Yes!
Finally.
Misto- Finally what?
I only left that door open so that I'd be able to escape eventually. Not even I can stand the insanity this long.
Roxanne- I thought you lived in insanity. I thought you bathed in insanity. I thought you inhaled insanity. I thought you.
Okay, okay, I get the point. But still, you know, if I don't have any sanity at all, what's the point of being insane?
Misto- I don't get it.
Alonzo- You're not alone, pal. So, does this mean we can leave?
Oh, yeah. There's no point to the last scene, since there's no point to the actual story. So I don't see any point in filming the last scene. All Etcetera does is gloat over her victory.
Misto- What victory? She killed a few kitty cats, what's that a victory over?
True. Hey, how did you figure that out? That was supposed to be too weird to understand.
Misto- What can I say. I'm a genius.
Roxanne- Modesty, Misto. Come on, let's go eat at that little French place I keep telling you about.
Alonzo- You mean the one where you're required to make out with someone if you want to get in? Count me in.
Macavity- Hey, I heard about that. Can I come? I heard they have the hottest waiters around.
Misto- (Smugly.) Don't you mean WAITRESSES? Shame shame, Mac. What will Jellylorum say?
Roxanne- He's going out with Jellylorum? Ha HA!!!
Macavity- Hey! I've tried to get away, but she won't let me. What am I supposed to do about it?
Whatever. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to the restaurant now. Chao!
Alonzo- Wait up! You need a guy to get in, don't you?
Yeah, and you need a girl to get in.
Misto & Roxanne- Oooohhh!!
Roxanne- She got you baaaad!
Alonzo- Please. I'll play whoever you want me to in your next parody.
Seriously? (A huge smile lights up on her face.) Deal. Let's go. I'll even let you kiss me for that price.
Alonzo- (Cannot say anything. He's falling all over the author, drooling and the whole bit.)
Hey, gerroff! There's a reason why Roxanne likes Mistoffelees!
Misto- That's right, you're supposed to be her. Ugh. This is insane. Let's just go. Munk, Etcy, you guys coming?
Munk- I would, but it looks like I'll be driving her home. She won't wake up. I'll take Mac, too. He's sort of off in his own little world right now.
Roxanne- Alrighty, then, bye! Hope you live through the ordeal. I know I wouldn't. But then again.
(Group walks out the door and heads toward some anonymous French restaurant where they'll all make out. Munkustrap decides the building will fall down soon, anyway, and drives right through the wall. As the group walks slowly away, Misto and Alonzo still their wonderful colors and Misto in his hippie- style tye-dye tee-shirt, the far off sound of the Rum Tum Tugger screaming in agony can be heard as he finally comes to.)
Macavity- Evil sorcerer dude. He's a hippie who loves to drink diet Pepsi with his Munster cheese every day. He writes down all his 'evil,' *cough cough,* plans with his beloved purple gel pen. He is in love with his pet dragon, which he names Rachael.
Mistoffelees- He's the good wizard dude. He's also a hippie, and is in love with the color green. He is, however, totally 100% perfect, despite his utter shortness, and all the women love him, including Rachael the dragon, which he despises. He has never truly looked at any other girl but Roxanne, whom he has been madly in love with ever since he first met her at Munkustrap's booze party.(That last part doesn't really relate to the movie.)
Roxanne- The sexiest, most beautiful girl cat ever. She is perfect in every way, with an incredibly sweet disposition, yet she can kick butt if ever need be. She is the good witch of the random arrow on the compass rose, a.k.a., north north north east. She has previously defeated the two evil witches of other random arrows on the compass rose, Jennyanydots and Jellylorum, who had been plotting to flood the castle with *gasp!*, moist doggy chow! Duhn, duhn, duuuuuuhn! (Evil music plays while Jenny and Jelly laugh maniacally.) Roxanne also hates gel pens, is a total hippie, and is madly in love with Mistoffelees, the wizard who has the shorter name.
Rachael- Macavity's evil dragon pet who is head over claws in love with Mistoffelees and Macavity. She is not a hippie (sadly), and loves to doodle fake tattoos all over herself with Macavity's numerous gel pens.
Etcetera- Seems like a common, dim-witted peasant, but in reality is an evil genius alien who ends up.wait! I can't tell you what happens!
(ENOUGH already, get on with the story! I think they all get what's going on! Well, not really, but anyways!)
Okay, Tugger, whatever. Once upon a time.
(Wait!)
What now, Tugger?! (Sounds exasperated.)
(You forget to tell them who I play! I'm hurt. Waaaah!)
Shut up, Tugger, you're not even in this parody. Now be quiet, sit down, and let all this evil, mindless chatter fill your head and eat away excruciatingly slowly at you puny brain.
(All right, fine then. I'll just go off, all alone, and sulk. All by myself. With no one else. Not a soul to comfort my mortally wounded spirit. No sympathy whatso.) His voice fades off slowly as he FINALLY leaves.
Fine, you do that. Anywho, where was I? Oh, yeah. Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
(Isn't that another story?)
No, actually, it's not. In this galaxy that was, believe it or not, far, far away, the evil alien empress Etcetera the great sat upon her 'throne,' which looked suspiciously like a reformed cardboard box, laughing with the crazed laughter that was not yet commonly heard in those parts.
Etcetera- Yes! Finally! My thought's can be heard! The world can finally see my glory! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...don't you think that might be enough 'ha ha's?'
No, definitely not enough. But for the sake of this utterly pathetic parody, I think we might be able to scratch the rest of them. Why don't you start from where you left off.
Etcetera- Okie dokie, whatever. Ahem, *hack, hack,* I've finally found a way to accomplish my lifetime goal! There is that one obstacle, but I'm sure he can be easily removed. Come, my very unfavorable and corrupted rat minion peoples! We must journey to see the evil sorcerer hippie dude! (With a swish of her tacky magenta and lime-green shawl, Etcetera stalks off the set, which immediately collapses afterwards on top of the rats who are all too incompetent to move when the roof is falling on their bloated heads.)
Cut! That was great, Etcetera. We'll live without the rats. Next scene!
Suddenly, and seemingly magically, everyone is transported to the 'newest' set. Macavity is sitting directly in front of a very large screen TV, grumbling about his costume.
Macavity- I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I thought being a sorcerer sounded cool, and now I'm sitting here in short shorts, watching Sailor Moon and eating powdered doughnuts.
You're not going to complain again, are you? Remember what happened last time?
Macavity- Yeah, yeah, I remember. But I mean, come on, 'My mother says I'm special?' What kind of dufus wears a shirt like that? And in tye-dye? Please, tell me, I'd really like to know. Who would make a shirt like this, anywho?
For your information, Mr. Macavity, you are an evil hippie, hence the tye- dye, and I happen to own a shirt just like that. We got yours from the hobo down the street. I'd say $29.99 is a real bargain, wouldn't you?
Macavity- Bargain? Ha! And by the way, my contract DID cover the cost of my rats. I'll be expecting full payment for them with my paycheck.
I don't recall that part. I could've sworn. Hey, we're wasting precious time, here! Get back to the script! On in three, two, one.ACTION!!
Macavity- Oh, look, Sailor Moon's on again. Woah ho ho, look at that chick! Can I say hot mamma? Ahhh, she reminds me of Demeter. Those lovely curves, tight buns, thick.
Hey! I thought you were supposed to be in love with Roxanne here!
Macavity- Ahhh, Roxanne. Demeter can't even come close to that.wait. You mean in the movie? Oh, right. Uhm, let's see. Sailor Moon, blah, blah, blah, oh, right. But no matter how lovely the stars of this 'dimension X' may be, I can't let my mind wander from my true plans. Sooner or later, Roxanne will be mine! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- hahough-hack-hack-hack. But wait, that doesn't seem right. Let me think.
Etcetera (from off-stage)- You can't, you don't have anything to do it with! (Receives particularly evil looking glare from extremely pissed off director) Oh, right, the script. Ahem, you must kill Mistoffelees, KILL MISTOFFELEES! And why don't you kill yourself and Roxanne, while you're at it.
Macavity (under the powerful influences of previously heard telepathic callings)- Oh, I remember now. I've got to kill Mistoffelees and Roxanne. And maybe I'll commit suicide after that for no particular reason whatsoever. But how to do it. (Starts scribbling madly with prized purple gel pen.)
CUT! That was good, people. Just keep this up and it might not take as long as I was thinking, even with all the *hack, hack,* INTURRUPTIONS!! Next scene. Misto and Roxy, you're up! Mistoffelees? Roxanne? Are you coming?
Misto- I'm not coming out in this. I look like a total freak!
Tugger- I thought you WERE a freak.
Misto- Ha, ha, very funny. Come on, we all knew 'My Mother Says I'm Special' was dumb, but this? I mean, really, have you ever seen anyone wearing a shirt that says 'I say I'm Special?'
Actually, yes, I have a whole collection of stuff like that at home, *sulk.* Tugger, you're supposed to be gone. And you are coming out, Misto. It's just a part of your costume, no one will take it seriously.
Misto- That's what you think. Jellylorum just took my laundry to wash it, I'm going to have to wear this home.
Macavity- Ha ha HA! Misto, are you serious! Wait till I tell the guys!
Misto- You shouldn't be laughing, Mac, she took yours, too. (Receives blank stare from what looks like it could have possibly been a face that is now covered with a thick layer of powdered sugar. Crickets can be heard chirping for a few seconds.)
(Breaking the Silence) Misto, you will come out. And where's Roxanne? She should be here. Tugger, why don't you get on the phone with her and find out why she isn't here yet.
Tugger- Sure thing, boss!
Now, while we wait for that, I have an idea.
Misto- No! Really? I never would have thought such a thing possible.
Actually, I do. It was an addition to your costume that I had forgotten about, but since we've got time... Come on over here (shakes a can of hot pink spray paint behind her back).
Misto- Well, okay. As long as I don't have to look like this.
Don't worry, your costume will be totally re-done when I'm through.
Misto- Why doesn't that sound good. I don't know if I really want to know what you're going to.what's that behind your back?!
Quick, hold him while I spray!
Misto-Aaargh! Not PINK! Please, not pink! Aaaaaah!
Tugger and Alonzo- We've got 'im! (Mistoffelees is sprayed from head to foot with bright, neon pink spray paint.)
Great, now keep him still while I get the blow dryer.
Misto- Nooooooooooooooo!
Alonzo- Don't worry, Misto, the can says it'll come off within a week.
You shouldn't be talking, Alonzo, you're next.
Alonzo-WHAT!!!! (Misto rolls on the floor while laughing hysterically)
Don't you remember? You're the dragon, Rachael. You've got to be green, or else none of this'll work. Misto, get off the floor! You're leaving pink streaks!
Misto- Did any of it come off? Oh, great, it's already dry. Man, I'm going to have to magic myself everywhere. Tugger, any chance you'll get my groceries?
Tugger- No way, dude. I want the extreme pleasure of seeing you teased in public. By the way, Roxanne said she forgot, and she'll be here in about.
Roxanne (Appearing suddenly out of thin air)-I'm here! What's happening? Woa, Misto, Alonzo, what happened to you guys? Misto, you're PINK! Ha ha HA!!!!
Alonzo- Oh, yeah, I bet you think you're real pretty. I can't wait to see your costume.
Roxanne- Actually, this is my costume.
Macavity- No fair! How come she gets to wear normal clothes?
Misto- How can you call that normal? I thought I was the only one who'd ever seen her in a mini-bikini.
Tugger- You've seen her like this before? For the first time in my life, I wish I were you. I wouldn't even mind being so short if I saw her like that regularly.
Roxanne- Shut it, Tugger. I'm short, too.
Tugger- Yes, but with you, it's a nice kind of short. I bet your head would fit perfectly on my shoulder.
Come on, people, let's get this show on the road. Mistoffelees, you've got your lightning scene, right? Roxanne, you stand off to the side and look like he's doing really heroic stuff. You know, fainting and other such damsel-in-distress type behaviors. On in three.two.one.ACTION!!!
Roxanne- Oh, great good wizard, you're so talented. To think that a mere mortal such as yourself would be capable of such heroics. Do that lightning thingy again, would you?
Misto- Sure thing, miss. (Looks up at author) 'Miss?' Since when do I call her 'miss?'
Since now, get over it. Tugger, do you have the artificial lightning producer ready?
Misto- Artificial lightning producer? I DID say that I did all my own effects.
Effects? I thought you meant like stunts and stuff. And after we spent all that money on our 'fancy' equipment.
Misto- Wait a minute. You don't have my stunt man? Oh, great. And I thought this thing couldn't get any worse. What kind of stunts?
Didn't you read the script? Let's see, diving headfirst off a cliff, falling into a crocodile-infested moat, being thrown wildly into the air by our dragon, kissing Macavity.
Misto- Kissing Macavity? That's it, I'm leaving. I refuse to be subjected to this sort of cruel and unusual form of ancient torture. Call me for the next parody, will you? No, wait, don't. I never want to be involved in one of these things ever again.
Okay, we can skip the kissing. Well, not all the kissing.
Misto- Don't tell me I'm supposed to kiss the dragon.
No, the dragon kisses you. But there are a few scenes where you get to make out with Roxanne.
Tugger- Ooh, now I really want his part! I've always dreamed of snogging little miss Foxy Roxy.
Roxanne- I you keep talking like that, you'll have a lot more time to dream, Mr. 'I never know when to quit.'
Alonzo- Foxy Roxy, eh? Where'd that come from? And do you really want to say that about Misto's girl? You've seen what he can do when he gets mad.
Tugger- Very true. Never mind. On with the show. If you can call it a show.
Misto- Okay, here goes nothing.
Etcetera- Is there really such thing as nothing?
Roxanne- Yeah, your brain. Get on with it, Misto.
Misto- Why don't we change the line, to cause less confusion and make it more true to life. Here goes everything.*ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! *sizzle*
Roxanne- Okay, who did it? Who threw the water?
Tugger- Oops. I really didn't mean to, I swear. But if he can't act anymore, I'd be happy to.
No, Tugger. I think we've had enough of your particular brand of sass for one day. Maybe the whole year. You are dismissed. Alonzo, ring up Munkustrap and see if he can come do stage crew.
Alonzo- Sure thing.
Roxanne, see if you can figure out how to revive him, and then get Tugger out of the building.
Roxanne- No need, boss. I think he's come to just enough to escort Tugger for me *giggle.* Tugger! Unless you particularly WANT to be zapped into near nothing-ness by a small, hot pink pile of very wet and glowing fur, I suggest you evacuate the premises immediately.
Tugger- Wadaya mean? Oh, that. Misto, I already said I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. You can stop the sparkling thing now. Really, you can. Misto! What are you doing?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*
Misto- I don't think Tugger will be able to leave anytime soon. He seems to be too caught up in his personal affairs to be bothered with such trivial matters. Now let's get on with the scene.
Good. At least someone around here can handle the cast and crew. All right, where were we? Oh, yeah. Macavity, get ready for your part. And don't forget the pocket protector and gel pens.
Macavity- What on earth would make you think I'd want to forget something as totally necessary as that? I feel hurt that you don't trust me.
Great, whatever. Come on, let's go. Roxanne, your line
Roxanne- Oh, great and powerful wizard Mistoffelees, you're so brave, and so talented, and so, ahhhhhhhhh, GALANT.
Macavity- Mmmhf mm mhnfff morffm mmrmmhrffff mm mmffh?
All- WHAT?
Alonzo- Why don't you try that WITHOUT the powdered doughnuts.
Macavity- Mmfh. *Gulp.* I faid, dob't you fink you mighmt be obermooing ib a bit?
Misto- Actually, I thought it was rather nice.
You would. Now, and again I say WITHOUT interruptions, on with the show.
Misto- Sweet damsel, who standeth here before my humble form in all thy greatness, I thank ye profusely for such flattery as ye doth giveth me. How would'st thou fancy coming be with me to my modest abode.
Roxanne- Why, to be certain, fair gentleman. And if we doth journey forward to dealest with somewhat more personal affairs, should'st we not talk as any normal human being would'st do? This particular form of speech, however eloquent it may be-est, doth persist in twisteth-ing my tongue so that I shall no longer be ablest to speakest within a short period of time.
Misto- Sure thang, babe! Youse gots to come wif me to my house, then we can party all we want! If youse knows what I means!
Roxanne- Sure, hot stuff, I'd love to. But that isn't exactly what I meant by 'talking normally.' How about you tone it down a notch, okay? No matta how much I loves to hear youse talk to me like that, hon, it just ain't what I gots in mind.
Cut! That was one of the best scenes we've done so far. Not that we have that much to compare it to, but still. Hey, Alonzo, has Munkustrap gotten here yet?
Alonzo- Nope. He just called to say he's stuck in a traffic jam and won't be here for about another hour, at the least.
Oh, great. This just isn't my day, is it?
Roxanne- Yes! No more acting for an hour!
Well, actually, I was thinking we could try to revive Tugger till he gets here, and.
Roxanne- Wait a minute. Revive Tugger? I think I'll pass. Alonzo, get Munk on the phone, I think I may be able to transport him here if I can get a link of some sort.
Alonzo- I'll be right on it. I'm as adverse to waking that thing up as you are.
Okay. Misto, while we're waiting, why don't I get you dried off.
Misto- Yes, please. I don't want this pink stuff to get any more permanent. Hey, do you really want to leave your video camera there? Right in that big cleared area?
Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?
*Crash!*
Misto- That's why.
Roxanne! Why did you have to go and do that?!
Roxanne- What did I do?
Munkustrap(climbing out of his car)- Hi, all! What's up? Hey, boss, what's the matter?
Munk, would you PLEASE get your #%!#%$ car off of my camera! That is not a request!
Roxanne- Oops.
Oops is right. It had better be all right, or.oh, no. Why me. What did I do to deserve this?
Misto- Yes! No more filming!
Alonzo- Roxanne, you rock!
Macavity- Mmmfh!
Sorry to burst your little bubble of happiness, guys, but I just happened to have the foresight to bring my video camera from home. And the recording tape wasn't damaged, so we won't have to redo anything.
Roxanne- Aaaaaaah! Let me out, please!
Alonzo- All the doors are locked! HELP!
Misto- What did you do to this place, I can't even use my magic to get out!
Macavity- I'm still here! This isn't right. I'm never supposed to be there.
Well, it looks like we'll have to stay here a bit longer, then. I guess the manager just locked up and went home.
Roxanne- But didn't he know that we were.hey! You didn't even bother to tell them we were using their studio!? What kind of director are you?!
Munk- You probably don't want to know. Now why am I here?
You are going to fill in for Tugger as the stage crew.
Munk- Why isn't Tugger doing his job?
Alonzo- Never pour water on Misto while he's doing his lightning thingy. Nothing good can possibly come out of it.
Munk- Oh. I understand. By the way, did you know you're green?
Alonzo- I think we discussed that at the beginning. I'm supposed to be the dragon. And Misto is a hot pink wizard.
Roxanne- Very hot!
Alonzo- .who is about to go back to his castle with Roxanne to do, ah, things.
Munk- Really? Hey, Misto! Can we trade jobs?
Misto- No way, man. That's my girl, lay off.
People? Back to the scene? Munk, would you get the backdrop, please?
Munk- Sure. This castle-looking one?
Yep, that's the one. Make sure is doesn't come down.backwards. (Heaves a long sigh that lasts about a minute.)
Munk- Oops. Sorry. I really didn't mean to.hey! What are you doing with that can of spray paint? Uh oh.
Misto and Alonzo- Run!!!
Munk- AAAAHH!!! I'm turning.purple? Why purple? And getitoff getitoff getitoff!!!
No reason. But I've already run out of green and pink, what was I supposed to do? By the way, that stuff doesn't come off.
Munk- WHAT! Misto, Alonzo, tell me it's not true!
Misto- If it's not true, why am I still pink? (There is a dramatic wail from Munkustrap that can be heard all throughout the studio.)
You know, I just had an idea. I've got another can of paint left, baby blue. And Tugger's still asleep, right?.
*A few minutes later, after the last can of spray paint is emptied.*
Okay, people, back to the movie!
Roxanne- Before we start, I just have one question. Is there an actual plot to this play, or are we just running around like maniacs trying to make you happy?
Truthfully? Do you really think you can handle the trauma? There is absolutely no plot whatsoever, the author has just gone completely insane and is typing random things for her own personal and demented pleasure and fulfillment. Does that answer your question?
Roxanne- Please, the horror! Don't tell me any more! I think I'm going to puke. (Sounds of very sick cat upchucking strategically in the author's shoes)
Okie dokie, whatever. Misto and Roxanne, it's time.
Misto- Really? Yes! This is the whole reason I agreed to do this thing.
Etcetera- What are you two going to do?
Alonzo- They're going to go do big cat things. All alone. In a tiny little box.
Etcetera- That's kind of close.
Misto- That's the whole idea. Roxanne, you coming?
Roxanne (from inside the box)- Already there, Misty-wisty.
Misto- (takes a deep breath) Wish me luck!
Alonzo, Munk and Etc.- Good luck!
Like he'll need it. Hey, what are you doing?!
Roxanne- Closing the box. This is kind of private, you know.
Etcetera- What's private? *gasp* You don't mean..
Misto- No way! This isn't a pervert show! We're just kissing.in the extreme.*grin*
But I'm supposed to be filming you!
Misto- (muffled voice) Too bad. You'll live.
You're right, I probably will. Munkustrap, camera x is on, right?
Munk- Oh, yeah. You should see this. Whoa, I didn't know that you could do that! Wait a minute, the picture's a bit fuzzy.does that thing run on batteries, cause if it does, it's gone dead.
Yeah, it does. Here, let me look. Misto, Roxanne, open up, I need something.
Roxanne- Here's the camera, now bug off! (Passes camera through small hole in box.)
Great, thanks.hey! Where are the batteries?
Misto- What batteries?
(Fuming, with thick black smoke pouring out of her ears) That's it. I can't work under these conditions. You two, get out here, NOW!
Misto and Roxanne- Yes ma'am.
Now, you two WILL cooperate for the rest of this film, do you understand! That is not a question, or a request, it is an order. Do I make myself clear!
Misto and Roxanne (saluting)- Ma'am yes ma'am!
Good. (Sighs) I feel better now that I've purged myself.
Roxanne- Before we move on, I have another question.
(Sounds exasperated) What is it this time, Anna?
Roxanne- PLEASE don't call me that! But anyways, was there an actual point to that last scene? Does it connect with the, um, 'plot' in any way whatsoever? And if it doesn't, then why did we do it?
Um, actually, that had absolutely nothing to do with the deranged plot, whatever that may be, whatsoever. I think the author may have been doing that for the sole purpose that she felt like having you two make out.
Misto- You know, that's kind of sick.
Really? I'm surprised you think so. After all, Roxanne is modeled after her.
Alonzo- Would you by any chance happen to have the author's phone number? *Grin*
I would, but it's not like I'm going to hand my phone number to.oops. My secret's out.
All- You're the author!!!
Well, yah. How else would I know everything about this thing? This story that I'm just writing for the heck of it? This thing that can't even be called a story because it have no conceivable plot that anyone knows of? (Ends up hyperventilating and passes out on the floor. Don't ask how she's still writing this.)
Macavity- Yes! She's unconscious! Let's make a run for it!
Roxanne- Run away, run away!
Alonzo- Two things. One, not many people know about the Monty Python and the Holy Grail obsession you have, so quit it. Two, um, uh.I've forgotten. Move along. Now that we're done with that, let's all RUN AWAY!!!!
Misto- Becoming quite a hypocrite, aren't we Alonzo.
Alonzo- You and me both, buddy. Now are we going to leave or not?
Misto- I'd say not, unless we can get to that tiny little window in the ceiling. The doors are all locked, remember.
Alonzo- Well, we might as well try for the window, before she wakes up.
(Director/author mysteriously happens to come to right at that moment.) Too late. None of you are going anywhere till you've finished going through this hell I have so generously created for you. Come on, Alonzo, Macavity, you're on now.
Macavity- Do we have to?
Yes.
Macavity- Fine. Let's do it.
Great. That's the attitude that I look for in my actors.
Roxanne- Hey!
And actresses. Okay. Here we go, out of the frying pan, into the fire. You know, that is so lame. I wonder who actually says that anymore. Come to think of it, why did I say it?
Misto- I think it's just supposed to add the insanity of this writing piece.
Ah, okay. Now, let's get rolling. We've only gotten into the first five minutes of the actual movie, and I'd kind of like to try my luck with Pinocchio.
Alonzo- Finally, something with a plot.
Roxanne- Pinocchio has a plot?
Whatever, does it really matter. Filming in three, two, one.ACTION!!!
Macavity- Um, let's see.evil dragon Rachael, now is our chance to bring them to their downfall! Go, attack them as they make love to one another. (Points at the box that is actually painted to resemble a castle. It was before, too, but the deranged and completely loopy author forgot to mention it.)
Alonzo- (In lovey-dovey voice simply dripping with femininity.) Oh, yes, wonderful Lord Macavity. I've always dreamed of squeezing my widdle Misto- Wisto honey- suckle baby-bobkins, and finally getting rid of that awful Roxanne. Little Miss Perfect, she always was. Beating me in all our classes. Now's my chance to show her up. (Stomps off menacingly towards the castle-box, which he promptly destroys. Roxanne and Misto make screaming noises from off stage.)
Macavity- Yes! YES!!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! He's finally gone! Yippeeee! Now I can go home and give myself gel-pen poisoning, so that I can complete the evil ring of bloody death and destruction that I have so cunningly created! Again, I feel that evil laughter coming on.wait, here it comes.Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!
Was that in your script? That gel-pen part?
Macavity- Yes, it was. Do you really think that I'd say something like that out of my own free will?
Well, actually.
Macavity- Fine, just say it. I'm not loved. Waaaaaaaaaah!
Shut up, you little twerp, unless you want to be neon yellow. I had one more can that I was going to save, but if the need arises.
Misto- How come you keep talking like that. You know, with the little dot dot dot thingy.
Because I can.
Roxanne- Just because you have the power doesn't mean you should use it.
Ha, ha, very funny. Actually, it is. You go, girl!
Roxanne- Whatever. Now are we done?
Nope, one more scene to go. We've got to find Etcetera, she's the only one still alive in the movie besides Rachael. Has anyone seen her?
Misto- Nope, not for a while.
Roxanne- I was wondering where she was. She's been sort of quiet. Not like her at all.
Alonzo- Did anyone see where she went after her scene?
Macavity- Hey, over here. Look at this.
(They all crowd around Munkustrap's car and look inside at the seat Macavity was pointing to.)
There she is, asleep. Now that we've found her, let's go find Munk.
Alonzo- Why?
Misto- Because he's the one with the keys to the car, duh!
Alonzo- Oh, right.
Munkustrap (walks in a door that no one noticed previously)- Hi, guys! Anything new?
Roxanne- Where did you go? And how did you get out of here? I thought everything was locked.
Munk- Well, it turns out little miss high and mighty author forgot about the back door, the one that opens into the alley behind this cursed stage. And I REALLY needed my Java. Really, I did.
Macavity- You know what this means?
What now, Mac?
Macavity- If that door is open.WE'RE FREE!!!!!!!
All- Yes!
Finally.
Misto- Finally what?
I only left that door open so that I'd be able to escape eventually. Not even I can stand the insanity this long.
Roxanne- I thought you lived in insanity. I thought you bathed in insanity. I thought you inhaled insanity. I thought you.
Okay, okay, I get the point. But still, you know, if I don't have any sanity at all, what's the point of being insane?
Misto- I don't get it.
Alonzo- You're not alone, pal. So, does this mean we can leave?
Oh, yeah. There's no point to the last scene, since there's no point to the actual story. So I don't see any point in filming the last scene. All Etcetera does is gloat over her victory.
Misto- What victory? She killed a few kitty cats, what's that a victory over?
True. Hey, how did you figure that out? That was supposed to be too weird to understand.
Misto- What can I say. I'm a genius.
Roxanne- Modesty, Misto. Come on, let's go eat at that little French place I keep telling you about.
Alonzo- You mean the one where you're required to make out with someone if you want to get in? Count me in.
Macavity- Hey, I heard about that. Can I come? I heard they have the hottest waiters around.
Misto- (Smugly.) Don't you mean WAITRESSES? Shame shame, Mac. What will Jellylorum say?
Roxanne- He's going out with Jellylorum? Ha HA!!!
Macavity- Hey! I've tried to get away, but she won't let me. What am I supposed to do about it?
Whatever. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to the restaurant now. Chao!
Alonzo- Wait up! You need a guy to get in, don't you?
Yeah, and you need a girl to get in.
Misto & Roxanne- Oooohhh!!
Roxanne- She got you baaaad!
Alonzo- Please. I'll play whoever you want me to in your next parody.
Seriously? (A huge smile lights up on her face.) Deal. Let's go. I'll even let you kiss me for that price.
Alonzo- (Cannot say anything. He's falling all over the author, drooling and the whole bit.)
Hey, gerroff! There's a reason why Roxanne likes Mistoffelees!
Misto- That's right, you're supposed to be her. Ugh. This is insane. Let's just go. Munk, Etcy, you guys coming?
Munk- I would, but it looks like I'll be driving her home. She won't wake up. I'll take Mac, too. He's sort of off in his own little world right now.
Roxanne- Alrighty, then, bye! Hope you live through the ordeal. I know I wouldn't. But then again.
(Group walks out the door and heads toward some anonymous French restaurant where they'll all make out. Munkustrap decides the building will fall down soon, anyway, and drives right through the wall. As the group walks slowly away, Misto and Alonzo still their wonderful colors and Misto in his hippie- style tye-dye tee-shirt, the far off sound of the Rum Tum Tugger screaming in agony can be heard as he finally comes to.)