Julius Caesar – stupidly mortal.
i did not come up with these characters, or the story line. they belong to the Bard.
Act 1 Scene 1: enter Flavius, Murellus, and certain commoners.
Flavius: Oh my gosh! Why are you commoners naked! This is so wrong! What are you doing? (To one commoner) Hey you, what's your job anyway?
Carpenter: (puffing up his naked chest proudly) why sir, I happen to be a carpenter. If you have anything your lordship wishes to be made, I will do it at a reasonable price. (Pulls his card out of nowhere and waits for Flavius to take it)
Flavius: where did you get that card?!
Carpenter: um, nowhere?
Flavius: DISSGUSTING! Lets go, Murellus…Murellus?
Murellus: *in-awe-of-naked-ness-look*
Flavius: (dragging Murellus away) you crazy plebeians! Only people like you would love that awful Caesar! Come on Murellus; let's go undress Caesar's statues.
Scene 2: Tom Petty's greatest hits in the background. Enter Caesar, Calpurnia, Portia, Decius, Cicero, Brutus, Cassius, Casca, a soothsayer and all them naked people with Antony in the lead, his nakedness shining in the light, a leather strip in his hand.
Caesar: Hey, Calpurnia!
Casca: hey guys cut the music and shut up, Caesar's talking!
Citizens: *hurt look*
Caesar: Really Casca, you should be nicer to the people. That's why they love me more.
Casca: (under his breath) yeah, until your brutal crazy close friends murder you because they think you're ambitious.
Caesar: I'm sorry, what was that?
Casca: oh, nothing…
Caesar: anyway, hey Calpurnia!
Calpurnia: yeah yeah, what do you want?
Caesar: why don't you just stand right there, and when Antonio runs over here slapping people with his strap, he'll slap you too. * Gleeful expression*
Calpurnia: what?! Why would I do that?! And why is Antony naked anyway?
Caesar: we're Romans. We're not that covered anyway. Besides, the people like it. And I'm Caesar, so do what I say, or I'll say bad things about you behind your back. Antonio?
Antony: yo Caesar, was up?
Caesar: make'em start that bad boy Petty back up!
Antony: YO PEEPS! PUMP UP THE TRACK!
Caesar: thank you.
Soothsayer: hey Caesar!
Caesar: ok, who interrupted Petty time?
Soothsayer: hey, I was just gonna tell you that Cassius's birthday is March 15th, and if you don't get him something he might gather a group of followers to murder you effortlessly.
Caesar: what?
Soothsayer: just saying…