CHAPTER - 4
Christian sat in the ambulance with Leila now on a stretcher. Dr. Flynn finally spoke. "Look, you're going to tell me sooner or later what happened up in Anastasia's apartment. You better tell me now while it's fresh in your mind."
"Should we speak in front to Leila?"
"I gave her a sedative and she is sleeping peacefully."
"John, I've never been so mortified in my life. Anastasia went up to get her friend, Ethan, who is staying at her apartment. We were all going to dinner together. She went up and didn't come down. Then I spotted Ethan trying to get into the lobby. We had searched high and low but never found Leila. At that moment, my heart sank. I pushed Ethan out of the way knowing Leila was up there with Ana. Taylor and I bounded up the stairs, taking three at a time. I froze as I entered to see Leila holding a gun on Ana. The apartment was checked just a few hours before."
Christian took out his handkerchief and blew his nose, wiping away tears. "My mind was racing about what to do and then like a light bulb went on, I remembered she had been my submissive for a year. I mouthed the word D-O-W-N. She fell to her knees, the gun skipped across the hardwood floor and she assumed the position. I hated Ana to see that now she knows what kind of fiend lives inside me. I picked up the gun. Anastasia was frozen in place. I begged her to leave and after several requests, Taylor picked her up and carried her downstairs to Ethan who took her home."
"Christian, do you now understand what you wanted Anastasia to be and how she could never become a submissive, a Leila, or any of the others?"
"Yes, I understand but emotionally, I never understood the steep price they paid for being my submissives; letting me do that shit to them. How could I be so cruel and so unfeeling?"
"It's all you knew how to be. What did you do to Leila after Ana left and before I arrived?"
"She was so filthy that I gave her a bath, thinking it would keep her calm until you came."
"How did that feel?"
"It was one of the most awkward things I have ever done. Removing her clothes and seeing her skin and bones and remembering how lovely she was. She was always so fun loving. I didn't want to touch her and I had to keep thinking of her as a child in order to touch her with a sponge. My God, I hated myself in that moment. What had I done to her and all the other women? I'm really a fucked-up son-of-a-bitch."
"Christian, you really helped her by keeping her calm and getting her clean. Just think of how hard it would be to bathe her once she had been admitted. Christian, for the first time, you see the harm you did to others and the harm that Elena did to you. You would not have gotten to this point unless you had fallen in love with Anastasia. How do you think Anastasia is going to deal with this?"
"I think she will be hurt and angry. I'll have no defense when she hurls her venom on me. First, she had to deal with the Elena's assault last night and now this. This time she may run all the way back to Savannah."
"Give her more credit than that. She will not leave you. She is too much in love with you. Tell her only the truth of what happened. Somewhere in her brain, with all that anger, she will see you had real compassion for Leila. Compassion is what she is looking for in you."
Christian sat thinking for the remainder of the ride to the psychiatric hospital in Fremont. He tried calling Ana but no answer. He checked Leila into the hospital and made sure they knew he was responsible for her medical bills. On the way back to the penthouse, he was sober, somber, and brooding about his fucked-up life.
The next day at precisely a quarter to five in the afternoon, Christian entered John's office went to one of the couches and flopped down. John was surprised to see him.
John moved from his desk and sat in one of the wingback chairs. "I thought I had an appointment with you and Anastasia tomorrow night, what happened? I know it's not Leila for she is locked up but something bad has happened."
Christian was rubbing his straight nose, almost in a trance.
"Last night when I got home Anastasia was not there. Taylor had not seen her since he took her out of her apartment. My heart was in my throat as I sent him out to find her. My biggest fear was she had left me. I didn't go into the bedroom to see if her things were gone. I was too frightened. She had not taken her purse and there was no way to communicate with her. I was beyond upset when she walked in the door. I tried to go near her and she backed up. I realized that she had been out drinking. I knew in that moment that she was leaving me and running out the door. My heart had already shattered but I tried to keep it together. When she asked about Leila, I told her the truth that she was in a psychiatric hospital. I was begging her not to run out on me. All the words I spoke about Leila, I think, only added to her fear. I told her the truth."
He rubbed his finger through his hair and said, "The more we talked, the more fear built up in my mind until something snapped. I went to the floor and assumed the position of the submissive; just like I had done a hundred times before. I don't know if it was seeing Leila or if that was the position where I did not have to think. I knew she was talking to me and she finally kneeled across from me on the hardwood floor. Hard on the knees! She asked me to tell her the secret that I was carrying around and she promised she would not leave me. My heart was beating out of my chest as I told her I was a SADIST who liked to whip brown-haired girls like my crack-whore birth mother."
Christian drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"In my fucked-up mind, all I could think to do was to keep her there on the floor with me and to let her touch me. By this time, she was pretty much fucking freaking out. I begged her to touch me. I placed her hand on my chest above my heart with my hand on top. She soon took off my shirt and was touching me slowly and softly. The pain was more than I could bear. She stopped when she saw how much pain I was in but it was not painful."
John said, "I'm getting us some water, but you'll continue to talk," he commanded.
Christian nodded his head. John's hands were shaking as he opened the fridge. His hand was under control by the time he handed Christian a bottle of water. He drank the bottle like a thirsty animal. John waited as Christian sat there with both hands in his copper hair, and then he lay down again. Tears were streaming down his face he struggled to retrieve his handkerchief from his rear pocket.
"For the first time, I realized that she was touching me and the pain was in my head not in her hands. But my fucked-up psyche couldn't take it. Then she told me again that we couldn't make it because she could not give me everything I need. I remember her using the word incompatible. I told her, after I beat her with a belt that Saturday morning and she left, that I could never beat her again; when she left, something fundamentally changed in me. She told me people don't change like that. I was desperate to keep her near me. I countered her endless questions with answers. Then she told me she was exhausted, I tried to get her to eat, but she became more frustrated and left. I found her later in the bathroom where she was crying her heart out. What wasn't broken in me before smashed on the bathroom floor! She didn't want me to touch her but my pain was too great. I grabbed her, holding her while she protested until her chest stopped heaving. I got her into bed and smothered her in my arms with love.
Christian got another bottle of water and sat down.
"My God, Christian, why would you tell her something that was so blatantly untrue? You know you're not a sadist. We have been over this a hundred times. I think the reason you always picked brunettes is that they weren't like Elena. It had nothing to do with your birth mother. I think the pain of your childhood sometimes gets confused with your pain from adolescent. I was also afraid that Anastasia did leave you but once again she ended up in your bed that she probably thinks it's her bed now. Tell me the rest."
Addie knocked on the door and told Dr. Flynn that she was leaving. Both men said good night.
Christian continued, "In the middle of night - before I go there - I asked Anastasia to marry me. And before you scold me, she laughed her head off and then she told me she would think about it. I know how inappropriate it was to ask but I couldn't think of another way to keep her near me. She also told me it was a damn poor proposal."
John was shaking his head, thinking of the image of Anastasia laughing at Christian over the absurdity of the situation.
"Anyway, back to the middle of night, she had gotten out of bed for a drink. I think she was suffering from a hangover. I had a full blown nightmare that she woke me out of. It was all about her leaving me, not about the past. My tee-shirt was completely soaked. Then I needed her. We made love; no, that's not realistic when I'm in that state all I want to do is fuck her and take possession of what is mine. I know that is a very immature way to think about sex, but in that moment, it was like, if I didn't have her, my heart would stop beating."
He looked at his Omega watch and said, "John, it's six, and I need to pick up Anastasia. I hate to dump this on you, but I need to go."
"Just one quick question; what do you think she is going to say?"
"My God, I hope she says yes or I'll need to move into your office." He smiled as Christian left.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: That cocksucker!
Date: June 15 2011 22:41
To: Dr. John Flynn
I now keep my laptop in the bedroom so, if I wake up, I can work while Ana sleeps. We just had great sex with a spreader bar. If you are interested, I will tell you sometime.
Jack Hyde made a pass at Ana at work and she kicked him in the balls. She was pretty shook up when she staggered out of SIP and fell into my arms. Taylor ran in to find the cocksucker who was still on the floor from Ana's powerful blow. I think Taylor might have gotten a few licks in for good measure. Hyde is gone and will never bother Ana again. There are benefits to becoming a new owner.
Ana was calm once we got her home. I found her after dinner in the playroom looking in the drawers of the museum case. She asked questions about items and I explained what they were for. That's how we ended up with the spreader bar. Her choice. I just love watching that woman come.
I must admit all of my instincts about Jack Hyde were right. My radar must be working again. See you tomorrow night.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Thank you
Date: June 17 2011 06:20
To: Dr. John Flynn
Thank you for our session last night. I think she's still processing what you told her. She just told me you told her to give me the benefit of the doubt. Anastasia got hung up on a few of your medical terms but other than that seemed to take whatever you said in stride.
I know she doesn't think she fulfills my needs but last night I showed her how much she means to me. I took her to see a house overlooking Puget Sound that recently came on the market. We arrived at sunset and the views were spectacular, with clean-colored sky and the meadow awash in wildflowers.
I want to tear it down and build us a new house. She surprises me at every turn and likes the old charm the current house possesses. I like sleek and somewhat sterile, the ultra-modern look. I guess it's time for me to add a little charm to my life.
Of course, I want her to say yes to my proposal and make it our family home. I'm beginning to think Escala has too many bad memories for us, especially from other women. I want a home that is only filled with our memories.
John, how is it I can feel like this?
With my subs, when the weekend was over I did not miss them. Come to think about it, I didn't even miss the sex. With Ana, I want sex all the time. It seems like every day it happens at least twice, maybe three times.
Sleeping with her has helped me sleep but the morning sex is something I've never had because the subs had their own bedroom and I had my privacy. But, with Ana, I wake up with a hard-on and she is so willing and so eager to have me. She wants me as much and as often as I want her.
How is that possible?
I know that sex is not that important to others but looking at her in full orgasm feeds my soul.
By the way, I think I have developed a heart. Did you know that?
I still need to see you and talk, but not this afternoon because I'm flying Charlie Tango down to Portland.
Oh, you're not going to believe this one. The guy who was groping Ana the night I took her back to the Heathman Hotel in her drunken stupor is coming to deliver the photographs I bought at his showing. José is delivering them and taking Ana out for drinks, I will join them for dinner. I may be growing up after all.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Progress
Date: June 17 2011 08:35
To: Christian Grey
Everything in your email was positive and upbeat. Anastasia is beautiful. I know her pale powder-blue eyes were hypnotizing as she peered out from behind her mask at the charity ball. She is shy and awkward at times but that is part of her charm. She is also shrewd and uses her face flushing as a way of disarming people. You have met your match with her for she is probably as brilliant as you are; only she has been loved by others for years.
Christian, please be delicate with her ego. She is young and somewhere in her mind she doesn't feel she is worthy of you and that she is not pretty enough for such a beautiful boy.
I know this is a novel concept for you but each one of us has our own insecurities. I know you have been able to use your beauty to keep people at arm's length so they will not delve deeper into your psyche.
Anastasia has never given herself away as much as she has given to you. Please, I beg, be gentle.
So I take it also from the email that you want the whole enchilada home, wife, and kids. After all why shouldn't you be thinking about all that? You'll soon be twenty-eight. I warn you once again, don't push her.
The poor girl has barely had time to think since she met you. She even brought that up in our session.
Oh, Christian, I know you and your brave front about allowing Ana to see an old friend is very generous. But may I note that you probably wrote that with white knuckles and a clenched jaw.
She picked you over the photographer or any other man to surrender her virginity to. You are worried he will make a move on her. Didn't she just dispatch Jack Hyde with a swift kick to the groin?
Ana is very capable of taking care of herself. She will never let another man touch her when she has you.
See you next week at the usual time. It is now permanently reserved for you.
John
Frantically, desperately wanting to find Christian, Anastasia went into Christian's office and was looking for Dr. Flynn's phone number when Taylor came in. "Miss Steel, can I help you find something?"
"I want to find Dr. Flynn's phone number."
"I already called him."
"Could you dial the number on my phone? I need to talk to him."
Taylor took pity on poor Anastasia, dialed the number and then handed her the phone.
"Hello, Dr. Flynn here."
"This is Anastasia Steel. I can't feel him! Is Christian dead from the helicopter crash?"
With that, Taylor left the study because watching Ana's tears fall was heartbreaking. If it was true that Christian was dead, his heart would be broken too.
"Anastasia, I'm terribly worried myself but it has not been that long. You and I both know that Christian is a survivor and is very quick witted. I can't ease your mind. But please answer me one question."
"Sure, it might clear my head."
"Are you going to marry him?"
Ana started to laugh, "I thought it would be some serious question that delves into my psyche, but the answer is yes. Christian already has the answer and he doesn't even know it. I gave him a box containing my answer. Oh My God! What if he never reads how much I love him? What if he never knows that my life would be meaningless without him?"
She broke down and cried.
John said, "Ana, he knows how much you love him. He tells me on the phone, in my office, and all over his emails. I know he is alive and can feel him with me now. You are new to him. He is thinking of you now but trying to block you from the pain."
"Thank you, Dr. Flynn. I won't give up hope."
She cried a long time in Christian's office until she could gather her wits about her drying her face. Anastasia had to face his family because they were waiting for news of the crash.
Saturday afternoon Christian called John who answered on the first ring.
"Flynn here," his tone was short.
"Hi John, Grey here, just wanted to tell you that I'm alive and looking forward to Monday afternoon."
"Hi, Christian, I'm having a shitty day and was very relieved that Taylor called and told me you were back. I want you to know that Anastasia called me, completely devastated. I tried my best to calm her down and reassure her that you were coming home."
"She has agreed to marry me. I had my answer the whole time, it was in my suit coat breast pocket. She handed it to me as a present before we went into your office."
"Congratulations to you both and see you tonight at your birthday party. Your sister can really be pushy. It must run in the family. Bye, Christian."
Somehow Christian expected more feelings from Flynn. After all he had been in a helicopter crash, but relaxed when he realized that John was having a shitty day. He certainly knew what shitty days were all about.
As Christian sat at his desk on that Saturday afternoon after the Charlie Tango incident; he contemplated his twenty-eighth birthday and what had happened last night when he arrived to find the penthouse full of people. He certainly wasn't used to having people concerned about his wellbeing. He had never seen his mother so emotional, she clung to him and wouldn't release him from her hug. His mother had always been rock solid and she was the last one he would have thought to have fallen apart. It was almost unbearable. Carrick, his father, asked questions with his inquisitive mind and wanted to know all about the crash. Christian was desperately trying to hide the fact it was a near miss. Elliot tried to play down the crash because he knew that if he lost Christian, he himself would be lost. Once Christian came in the door Mia just felt relief that he was home safe and sound. Even his antagonist, Kate, was worried if only for Anastasia's sake, of course.
Christian had tried to be as nonchalant as possible about the crash but he knew something went terribly wrong with the helicopter and it didn't go down on its own. It had redundant systems to avoid such crashes. He had tried not to show fear when they were going down so Ros wouldn't know how extremely terrified he was. Ros, his operations manager, was a trooper after the crash when they had to walk four hours (her in heels) away from Mt. St. Helens to the I-5. Both Ros and Christian's cell phones were dead after repeatedly attempting to contact someone after the crash. A truck driver, who himself had no cell phone, picked them up and drove them back to Seattle. Christian's thoughts were of Anastasia, his happily ever after.
He thought Anastasia was so young, yet she loved him. How was that possible? No one except his family had ever loved him. He could hear her in the kitchen baking his birthday cake and wanted nothing more than to run to her and kiss her. They had even had sex even in the playroom earlier that morning for his birthday, but his need to consume her was still looming large in his mind. He turned his attention to work and left the idea of the crash alone. He would know soon enough if his thinking was right and someone had sabotaged Charlie Tango.