A/N

Got the idea for this after seeing the BlizzCon 2011 trailer for Blizzard DotA, of a red and blue team locked in a pointless, eternal battle. Kind of sounded familiar, and with good reason...

Red vs. Blue

"Welcome, puny mortals, to this trans-dimensional pocket universe. I-..."

"Trans-dimensional pocket universe? So...the pocket extends across multiple dimensions?"

"Yes...now, as I was saying, I, the dark and terrible Blue God..."

"You're not that dark...bit grey maybe, but..."

"Have kidnapped you heroes from across time and space."

"Um...don't know if you're in the loop, but we're not heroes. Heroes actually do stuff."

The Dark and Terrible Blue God, sworn nemesis of the Dark and Terrible Red God, let out a dark and terrible sigh that reverberated throughout dark and terrible space, to the extent that the pocket universe started running out of dark and terrible adjectives. The teal trooper had been talking back to him at every opportunity, and while the cobalt and blue coloured troopers had remained quiet, he doubted that was due to his dark and terrible presence. The cobalt one seemed to be completely apathic to his dark and terrible situation while the blue one was staring at the hero known as the Queen of Blades and muttering something about killing kittens...no doubt in dark and terrible ways.

Seriously, I've got to come up with more descriptive terms...

"So, what's the gig here?" the teal one asked. "You from Blue Command or something?"

"Nay, puny mortal. I am the one true god," declared the Blue deity. "Or one of them..."

"So there's two one true gods? Man, I knew Blue propaganda was flimsy, but..."

"Silence! Speak no more, mortal, lest it be in service of your commander! You are here to fight an endless war against Red Team, a war with no rhyme or purpose other than ladder points! Cringe in fear at your now purposeless existence."

At this point, one of two things usually happened with the individuals the Blue God had abducted over the eons. Either they shouted out in defiance (defiance that was soon hammered out of them) or gave up then and there, often forcing him to convert them into NPCs. Yet in this case, neither scenario applied. The teal one had lost interest in him and was instead approaching a blonde-haired Ghost, uttering "bow chikka bow wow" for some reason. The blue one had apparently found the next best thing to a kitten and was trailing after his murloc minion. And while he still had the attention of the cobalt one, it was an attention span as paper thin as the battlefront had been a few thousand years ago.

"Red vs. Blue eh?" asked the cobalt one. "Big deal pal. We've been doing the same thing for years."

"Yes, but not like this mortal. It-..."

"Eternal and without purpose? Yeah, we've done it. Hell, since we're out of Blood Gulch, you've kind of done us a favour."

The Blue God stood in shocked repose...however that worked. Mortals welcoming this dark and terrible (screw adjective originality) fate? Mortals thinking this dark and terrible war was a better life than their less dark and terrible former existences? Unthinkable! Unfair! Here he was, coming off as a benevolent, not dark and terrible god while the Red God was having all the fun of pounding those four heroes into submission.

Unbelievable...to think one group welcomes this and another doesn't...

Still, given the sound of music, girly screams, ass-kissing, apathy and a revving engine in the distance, maybe the other heroes didn't mind after all...