A really short little fic that I decided to write from Neela's point of view…kind of different…okay, really different from how I normally write.
Disclaimer: I do not own ER…or the characters…or anything that has to do with it…
Should have…would have…could have…
You know the times that you tell yourself 'I should have…' or 'I would have' or 'I could have' but by then it's too late. Like, I should have ordered pizza instead of Chinese…or I should have gotten a second opinion on a patient…or I should have gotten to known the person before I married them.
The truth is, I didn't know Michael, I don't know Michael. Now he's leaving me. He asks me to marry him and then he bloody leaves. I should have considered what I was doing before I rushed into it. I should have been my normal, calculating, non-spontaneous self. I should have realized that he wasn't going to stay with me but would go back to playing hero. I should have spent more time with him to learn whether or not I truly loved him…but the number one thing I should have done…I should have seen what was right in front of me.
Ray was always there when I needed him. He knew me, he knows me…more than my own husband knows me. I know Ray more than I know Michael. I knew exactly what kind of music to expect when I walked into the apartment. I knew exactly what kind of cereal to buy for him when I went shopping. I even knew the shampoo he used, and Ray knew me. Michael however…well…apparently he doesn't know me. He doesn't know what my favorite cereal is, he doesn't know what kind of shampoo I like, he doesn't know what music I listen to…Ray could list them without even thinking.
If I had realized all of this before I would have reconsidered marrying Michael. I would still be living with Ray. I would have someone to come home to. Now…now I come home to an empty apartment. An apartment that should be full of warmth and love…and happiness. I would have been happy instead of worrying about when I would get a letter saying I was widow. I would have someone to comfort me when I had a bad day. Instead I'm alone.
It makes me wonder if maybe I made one of the largest mistakes of my life. I know that Ray was unhappy when I moved out. I saw his face, his pain, his jealously. Yet I ignored it. He never said anything when I lived with him, never looked at me the way he looked at the girls he brought home. Maybe he looked at me differently…and maybe I chose to ignore it.
If I hadn't up and married Michael I could have realized what was there between Ray and me. I might have realized that I had feelings for my roommate and that my roommate had feelings for me. We could have had something. I could have told him. I could have said no to Michael. I could have saved myself a lot of pain. I could be happy…together…with Ray.
I should have seen what was there…I would have been happier…I could have been with the man I really loved. We should have done something, I wish I would have done something, I wish I could have done something.
Should have…would have…could have. When it comes down to it…it's already too late.
Let me know what you think, please review!