Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire In 20 Minutes: A Parody By Extremely Obsessive Fans

Some freaky old house in the middle of friggin nowhere:

Old Guy: -makes tea-

Light in House: -goes on-

Old Guy: "WTF!" -goes to investigate-

Old House: "Long time no see!"

Old Guy: "Oh shutup!"

Whispering on Upper Level: -is heard-

Snake that may or may not be poisonous: -slithers-

Old Guy: "ZOMG I MUST INVESTIGATE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE'S A FREAKY MAN

IN AN ARMCHAIR THAT TALKS LIKE A FREAK, A WEIRDO THAT KEEPS LICKING HIS

LIPS IN A VERY WEIRD FASHION, A WEIRD TWITCHY LITTLE GIT AND A

GIGANTIC SNAKE THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE POISONOUS!"

Snake That May Or May Not Be Poisonous: -hissy hissy hiss hiss hiss-

Freaky Man In Armchair That Talks Like a Freak: -hisses back-

Old Guy: "WTF!"

Freaky Lip-licking Guy: "Master!"

Freaky Man In Armchair That Talks Like A Freak: "Let him in Wormtail"

Twitchy Little Git (who apparently is named Wormtail): -opens door-

Door: "DONT GO DONT GO!"

Old Guy: -ignores-

Wierd-baby-voldy-thing: "KILL HIM MY MINIONS!"

Minions: -kill old guy-

Carcass: -falls-

Door: "Told ya so"

A Teakettle: -shrills-

Freakishly Small Bedroom Somewhere Else In England:

A Boy Who Lived: -wakes up- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! My bloody scar hurts!"

Owl: -fluffs feathers- "Could you writhe in agony any QUIETER?"

Audience: "HEDWIG! YAY!" -claps-

Hermione: "Harry? WTF!"

Harry: "I have to be a big brave stupid little boy now! I FEEL NOTHING! Don't you admire my bravery-that-borders-on-stupidity?"

Hermione: "Erm yeah sure let's go with that. WAKE UP RONALD even though I never call you that

in the book!"

Audience Who Never Read The Book: "Erm…WTF?"

Obsessive Audience Members: "THEY CHANGED THE BOOK! AAAAAAAH!"

LOTR Fans: "Where have you been?"

Ron: -mumble mumble- "Whats goin on? huh?"


Harry: -pounces on Ron- "HI!"

Ron: "Erm…WTF!"

Hermione: -facepalm- "I'm going to be...downstairs...y'all..."runs away screaming

Stairs: "OW! THAT WOULD BE MY FACE!"

Hermione: -Stomps harder just for spite-

Stairs: "Why do I even bother?"

Forest, Once Again, MIDDLE OF FRIGGIN NOWHERE!

Everyone: -Is walking through the woods sleepily-

Cedric Digory: -jumps from a tree- "HIYA!"

Everyone: "AAAAAAAAAH!"

Fred & George: "WTF!"

Mr. Weasely: "AH Yes. My pompous friend from work." -extends hand-

Hands: -shake-

Girls: -look at Cedric approvingly and giggle-

Harry: "That really is infuriating, you know that right?"

Ron: -whines- "I'm standing right here!"

Boys Collectively: "Hmph!" -mumble- "Beat us at Quidditch he did…" -grumble grumble-

Hermione/Ron, Hermione/Harry, and Harry/Ginny Shippers: "GOSH y'all should be giggling about

Harry/Ron not Cedric!"

Random Leprechaun: -whizzes by them- "WHEEEE!"

Mr. Weasely: "Oh look! An old boot! Let's stand around and touch it! YAY"

Everyone: "Um ooooo-kaaayyy…"

A Dirty Shoe: -is a Portkey-

Everyone: -grabs on- -Is transported to the Quidditch world cup-

Middle of Some Demented Field Filled With Wizards and A Slightly Deranged Muggle

Digory's and Weasley's + Hermione + Harry: -part ways-

Weasley's + Hermione + Harry: -look at tent-

A Tent: -is unreasonably small-

Younger Weasley's + Hermione + Harry: "uhh..."

Mr. Weasley: "EVERYBODY IN!"

Inside of tent: -is unreasonably large-

Harry: " I think its time for me to say some line that is meant to be charmingly funny!"

Teakettle: -boils-

Everyone: -leaves tent-

Teakettle: -still boils- "Oh shit…."

A Gargantuan Stadium In The Middle of a Forest That NOBODY Happens To Notice

Everyone: -climbs-

Ron, Hermione, & Harry: -buys useless crap along the way-

Weasleys:: -see Mr. Malfoy and Draco-

Mr. Malfoy & Draco: -mutter mutter- "Filthy vermin!"-mutter-

Ron & Harry: -secretly flip the bird in Malfoys' general direction-

Hermione & Ginny: -giggle giggle-

Everyone: -FINALLY reaches seats-

Random Leprechaun: -flies over their heads in a drunken stupor- "WOOT!"

Irish Team: -zooms-

Leprechaun: -does a spiffy Irish dance-

Irish Dancers in Audience: -are offended-

Other Audience Members: "WTF!"

Bulgarian Team : -zooms-

Women & Ron: -gaze soppily at Krum-

Veela: -aren't there-

HP fans who have read the books: "WTF?"

Game: -begins-

Back in the Ridiculously-Small-Looking-But-Actually-Not-So-Small-Tent

EVERYONE: -is back in tent-

Audience members: "Say who now that was the whole game?"

Writers: "Oh SHUTUP!"

Everyone: -is asleep-

Irish Supporters: -having a friggin partaaay!-

Random Leprechaun: -zooms & falls out of sky with an oh so pleasant THUD-

Irish Supporters: -pass out-

Death Eaters Who Look Scarily Like The KKK In Black: -storm the campsite-

Everyone: -looks around wondering WTF is happening- -screams bloody murder- -runs in circles-

Death Eaters: "Hey this is fun!" -zap-

Tent: -explodes- "IM ON FIRE! AAAAAH!"

Everyone: "WTF!"

Teakettle: "STILL BOILING IN HERE!"

Ron: -collapses & twitches- "INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE TALKING! AGAIN!"

Everyone, Except For Harry Who Is Being Too Brave/Stupid to Move: -runs away-

Harry: -sees figures advancing through the darkness in a VERY freaky way yet does NOTHING to

save himself…as usual-

Death Eaters: -poke poke- "LMAO foolish kid" -for reasons unbeknownst to us do NOT take this

wondrous opportunity to kill The Boy Who Lived once and for all-

Freaky Tongued Twitchy Little Git: -conjures odd and slightly disturbing smoke ring-

Dark Mark: -appears- "BOO!"

Harry: "Who are you!"

Freaky Tongued Twitchy Little Git: ….

Harry: "Am I not allowed to ask questions?"

Freaky Tongued Twitchy Little Git: "Do you want to expose the whole movie within the first twenty

minutes?"

Harry: -shakes head-

Freaky Tongued Twitchy Little Git: "Ok then." -vanishes-

Hermione & Ron: -come back in just enough time to be completely useless-

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: "I KEEEL YOU!"

Hermione and Ron: "AHHH! NOOO! Don't keel our brave, stupid friend! HE DID IT!" -point-.

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: "Er…who again?" -zap-

Mr. Weasley: "WTF! That's my son!"

Hermione: -cough-

Harry: -cough cough-

Mr. Weasley: "AND his misfit friends!"

0Important Dude in a Bowler Hat: "Oh okay then. But then WTF are they doing here?" -whines- " I

really want to zap someone!"

Circle of Witches and Wizards That Magically Appear: "TOUGH!"

Important Dude In A Bowler hat: "Fiiinnneee...what ARE you doing here?"

Ron: "Well, you see, we wanted to watch the game, so..."

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: "I mean what are you doing in this spot RIGHT NOW you imbecile! God

top of your class aren't you?"

Ron: -is confused- -whimpers-

Circle of Witches & Wizards: "It wasn't them. I mean OBVIOUSLY. Moving on."

Boys: "Didnt do WHAT!"

Assembled Witches & Wizards: "Well…he was right…not so bright eh?"

Hermione: "By the way…that's the Dark Mark."

Boys:…?

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: "THAT!" -points at odd looking smoke ring-

Ron: "I see an odd looking smoke ring."

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: -turns to Mr. Weasley- "May I?"

Mr. Weasley: -hesitates- -nods-

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: -smacks Ron-

Ron: -is confused-

Hermione: -rolls eyes- "It's the Dark Mark you bumbling imbeciles. You-Know-Who's mark."

Boys: -mutter collective OOOH!-

Mr. Weasley: "Ok. So we know it wasnt THEM."

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: "Damn." -walks away- -trips over something invisible- -mutters- "Oh

shit…"

Invisible Thing: "MMFFF! MFMMFFF!"

Circle of Witches and Wizards: "WTF is that!"

Important Dude In A Bowler Hat: "EEK! My house elf!" -twitches- -faints-

One of the Witches in the Circle of Witches and Wizards: "I thought...in the movie...he didn't have...a house

elf...?"

LOTR Fans: "Get used to it!"

Everyone Else: -shrugs- -walks away-

Hogwarts Great Hall

Dumbledore: "So…who enjoyed their summer? Quite eventful, eh?"

Nobody: -raises hand-

Dumbledore: "Well if you're gonna be like that about it...anyway, Triwizard Tourney this year. Have

a ball, seventh years."

Underclassmen: -mutter-

Snape: -glares indifferently at various tables-

Goblet of Pumpkin Juice: -freezes-

Ron: -pokes with fork- "WTF!"

Hermione: "Infernorous"

Juice: -melts-

Ron: -sulks for the rest of the meal-

Juice: -freezes again-

Madeye Moody: -enters-

Ron: "I guess it just gets cold when he...comes...here?"

Hermone and Harry: -facepalm-

Dumbledore: "And this is your knew Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He is in no way eccentric."

Snape: -glare-

Fred: -is frozen-

George: "Yeah right. And Dumbledore is just as sane as Mum." -unfreezes Fred-

Other Weasleys: -snicker-

Dumbledore: "Oh. Right. You have until Halloween to put your names into the weird burning wine

thingy. Eternal glory follows the one who…blah de blah de blah…nobody's listening

anyway…good night!" -curls up and falls asleep in big chair-

Everyone: -files slowly out of Great Hall-

Dumbledore: -wakes up- -shreiks- "Oh, by the way, ungrateful people, DEATH TOLL DEATH

TOLL DEATH TOLL!"

Everyone: -stares- -continues to walk away at a slightly elevated pace-

Arrival of Other Schools

Random Midget: "OY! A flying house!"

Malfoy: -kick-

Random Midget #2: "A SUBMARINE!" -points at lake-

Students From Wizarding Families: "Hunh?"

Harry: "Where are the Random Midgets coming from?"

Ron and Hermione: -shrug-

Beauxbatons girls: -do all sorts of nifty ballet-things while utterly seducing all the Hogwarts boys-

Hermione: "But when I read about them they had BOYS too!"

Harry and Ron: -are too busy watching Beauxbatons-girls-butts to listen-

Hermione: "Typical…"

Durmstrang Boys: -bang sticks on ground & breathe fire-

Hogwarts Girls: -totally entranced-

Harry & Ron: "Where'd the girls go?"

Hermione: -drool-

Krum: -enters-

Ron: -drool-

Hermione: "Oh for God sake he's not that…oh…nevermind." -drools more-

Ron: -faints and falls to floor-

Krum: -steps over-

Dumbledore: "Right. Well then. Somebody help Mr. Weasley, and then…TUCK IN!"

Everybody: -eats and totally forgets about Ron-

Ron: -wakes up later alone in a dark Great Hall- "WTF!"

Madeye Moody's Classroom twitch twitch

Moody: -hobbles in- "Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts." -snarl-

Neville: -squeal-

Moody: "Right. 3 Unforgivable Curses. TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE SO I CAN PERFORM THEM

ON THIS HELPLESS SPIDER!"

Hermione: -raises hand-

Moody: "Yes?"

Hermione: "I love to learn. I'd just like to say that I love Defense Against the Dark Arts and I think-"

Moody: "Unforgivable Curses you blubbering NITWIT!"

Hermione: "Well then. Just a minute let me act good and timid." -prepares to act timid-

Well there's uh erm...OH DANGIT GO TO LIKE RON OR SOMETHING!"

Ron: -raises hand for once in his life-

Moody: -nods-

Ron: "Infer-"

Hermione: -interrupts- -whispers- " ImPERious!"

Ron: "Right. Imperious Curse."

Moody: -nod nod- "FINALLY! I can screw with an innocent creature!"

Class: …? "WTF!"

Moody: -ignores- -grabs spider "IMPERIO!"

Spider: "La Di DA!" -flips- -spins- -casually attacks Ron-

Ron: -squeals- -falls backwards off of seat-

Spider: "Hey handsome!"

Ron: -blanches- -faints-

Spider: -jumps on Ron-

Ron: -screams like a little girl-

Moody: -rolls eyes-

Spider: -jumps on Malfoy's head-

Everyone: LMAO

Malfoy: -cries for Daddy-

Moody: "That's enough." -grabs spider-

Spider: "Man! I was just starting to have fun!" -is put in jar-

Moody: "Didn't everyone have fun playing with the nice spider?"

Class: ...

Ron: "I think I soiled myself…"

Moody: "You people are really lame, you know that? Let's try another."

Moody: "Now, some other unlucky student. Come on now we don't have all day!"

Neville: "Uh erm uh...er I think I um ah I donno but er ah I might uh have, like...um, i donno, an idea...?"

Moody: "Well get on with it then!"

Neville: -mutters- "Cruciatus Curse."

Moody: "Ah yes. You would know that one. And being the cruel and seemingly unfeeling person I am,

I shall again perform it before your very eyes!"

Neville: -gulp-

Hermione: -whispers- "Meanie!"

Ron & Draco: "Tell me about it!" -turn and glare at eachother-

Draco: "I mean, um, FILTHY MUDBLOOD."

Hermione: tear-

Moody: -grabs yet another helpless spider-

Yet Another Helpless Spider: "Damn…"

Obsessive Audience Member #34: "Wait in the movie, wasn't it just one spider?"

Writers:…-bludgeon-

Moody: "Crucio!"

Spider: -twitches-

Neville: "I don't like this."

Spider: -writhes in pain-

Neville: "I don't like this at all." -is pale-

Spider: "Owowowowowowow..."

Neville: -looks about to be sick-

Hermione: "STOP IT YOU CREEP!"

Moody: "If I MUST…"

Spell: -is stopped-

Moody: "Now, Miss Granger, for being an Impertinent Goody Two Shoes, you must tell me the last one! Which is by far the WORST! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Hermione: -gulp- -whispers- "Avada Kedavra"

Moody: "Eh…what?"

Hermione: -screams- "AVADA KEDAVRA!" -goes into hysterics-

Hermione's Wand: "BANG!" -green fizzle-

Malfoy: -gets nosebleed- "IB DYBING!"

Harry & Ron: -collapse in silent giggles-

Moody: -points wand at Malfoy-

Wand: -poof-

Malfoy's Nosebleed: -stops-

Moody: "Right you are. Impressive spellwork, Miss G. A few more years and you'll be right up there with

the deatheaters!"

Hermione: -beams- -thinks- "Hey waiiittt..."

Moody: "Moving on!"

Class: "…WTF!"

Moody: "Yes well. And Harry's the only one who's survived it."

Harry: -feels singled out-

Moody: "So you're all doomed. Have a party! Class dismissed! BTW, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Class: -files quickly out in a desperate attempt to escape the madman-

Moody: -squawks at them CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Repeatedly as they run in fear-

Great Hall Which Conveniently Enough Is Filled With Students

Fred & George: "MuahahahaHA! We are going to enter the Tourney!"

Hermione, Ron, & Harry: "Hunh?"

Fred: "We"

George: "Just"

Both: "Took"

Fred: "An"

George: "Aging"

Both: "POTION! HUZZAHNESS!"

Hermione: "As it seems to be my duty to ruin the fun, I must discourage you fr-"

Twins: "It's official. She's against it so we're all for it!"

Assembled Students: "HOORAY!"

Hermione: -sulk-

Assembled students: "Don't you like how we act just like a Typical High-School-ish group of Teenagers?"

Hermione: -sulks more-

Krum: -wanders by, completely uninterested-

Hermione: -drool-

Pack of Girls: -stalk-

Obsessive Audience Member #56: "But…that…didnt…happ-"

Writers: "Oh SHUTUP will you!" -kick-

Ron: -drools for a bit, then sees Hermione- "Hey! Why're you looking at him?" -pouts-

Ron/Hermione shippers: "Yay!"

Fred & George: -jump across figgy circley thingy-

Nothing: -happens-

Fred and George: "YAY!"

Assembled Students: "Time to act like Typical Teenaged Students! HURRAY!" -cheer-

Foggy Circley Thingy: -hesitates- "Too Young!"

Fred & George: -are catapulted out of cicley thingy- -hit opposite wall with an oh so pleasant THUD-

Circley Thingy: "Hehe…"

Fred & George: -turn into very very old men- -fight like sixteen-year-old boys-

Dumbledore: "A cornucopia of love!" -hug-

Half of Students: -laugh-

Fred & George: -squirm-

Other Half of Students: -back away slowly- -mutter- "Pedifile…"

Hermione: "Well, to Fred and George: I TOLD YOU SO HAHAHAHAHA! And now...just...yeah I'm

outtie." -runs-

Harry: "Well then…"

Great Hall on Halloween: Choosing of Champions

Dumbledore: "Like I said before, whomever this flaming goblet of horror chooses, is eternally bound to the

competition. Weasley! No weaseling out."

Ron: "But..Im not even…in..it…" -pouts-

Dumbledore: "Anyhoo, the winner will be bestowed with eternal glory. And not to mention, this REALLY

SHINY TROPHY!" -cough- "Plot point! Now, I shall draw THREE" -cough- "Foreshadowing" -cough- "Names from this wondrous cup!"

Student Body: -nods- -is excited-

Ron: -is completely distracted by shiny trophy-

Goblet: "BELCH!"

First Name: -is like, appeared-

Dumbledore: "And first, from the Beauxbatons-girls, even though they really do have boys, but, you know,

whatever: That girl with the PRETTY FLOWERY name!"

Girl with the pretty flowery name: -smiles prettily-

Ron: -looks at photo of Krum- "I am truly sorry…" -rips- -stares at Fleur-

Krum and Fleur: -groan-

Goblet: "BELCH! Sorry…heartburn ya know?"

Second Name: "I'm here! I'm here!"

Dumbledore: "From Durmstrang, the world-famous and totally manly Viktor Krum!"

Girls & Ron: -giggle-

Ron & Hermione: -swoon-

Goblet: "BELCH! Excuse me…heh…"

Third Name: "Peace. I have arrived."

Dumbledore: "YO. And from Hogwarts, the schmexy pretty boy: Cedric Digory!"

Hufflepuff: "HUZZAH!"

Rest of Houses: "But Hufflepuffs are supposed to be the leftovers. WTF? Boo you wusses!"

Dumbledore: "Forizzle. Now that's like, all the time we got so peace out!"

Everyone:.."Oh-kay then…"

Goblet: -belch- "Pardon me, but um...there ya go."

Dumbledore: "WTF!"

Fourth Name: -squeaks- "Present!"

Dumbledore: "Say WHA!"

Fourth Name: "Im here so READ ME YOU TWIT!"

Dumbledore: "Harry Potter, getcho lil wizard a-"

McGonagall: "Sir."

Dumbledore: "Oh right. Not in front of the students. HARRY! Harry Potter!"

Harry: "Oh shite…this is the point where the entire school turns against me..inevitable…it never gets old

does it?"

Hermione: -shove-

Ron: -shakes head in disbelief- -goes horribly and seemingly irreversibly emo-

Harry: -walks slowly- -DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA-

Dumbledore: -stares all traces of friendship completely gone-

Harry: "…WTF!" -walks through door-

Other 3 champions: -stare in a seriously hostile manner-

Harry: "Erm…what's…crackin?"

Other Champions: "No."

Harry: -shrug- -sits down on box-

Dumbledore: -runs through door- -shakes Harry-

People who've read the books: "WTF that's so not Dumbledore!"

Writers: "Totally."

Hedwig: -nods-

Audience: "WTF! Where'd she come from?"

Writers: "It's called comic relief. Chill."

Dumbledore: "DID YOU DO IT?"

Others & Snape: "OF COURSE HE DID!"

Obsessive Audience Member #82: "But…Snape was on his side…"

Writers: "ShutUP! SHUTUP I SAY!" -bashes over head with Fourth Book-

Harry: -shakes head- -eyes roll back in head-

Brain Damage: -occurs-

Dumbledore: "Ok then. Case closed."

Snape, Other Headmasters/Headmistress, & Champions: "BUT-"

Dumbledore: "Dont make me open a can of whoop ass!"

Others: -are silenced-

A Room That We Didn't Know Of Previously That Houses A Pensieve-Plot-Point Where Dumbledore, McGonagall, And Snape Are

McGonagall: "What on earth were you thinking, allowing him to compete?"

Dumbledore: "Hunh?" -leans over Penseive-

Snape: "Potter should be expelled."

McGonagall: "Dont be ridiculous. But Dumbledore, you really should find a way to remedy this."

Snape: "EX-"

Dumbledore: -mutters something-

Snape: "-PELL"

McGonagall: "What Albus?"

Dumbledore: "Well I suppose 'Take two aspirin and call me in the morning' won't work?"

McGonagall: "Uh no…wait..what's an aspirin?"

Snape: "HIM!"

McGonagall & Dumbledore: "SHUTUP! WE'RE TRYING TO THINK!"

Weighing of the Wands

Harry: -walks into a random room with an annoying midget following him-

Fleur: -hair flip-

Cedric: -watches Fleur-

Krum: -leans against the wall looking completely bored-

Rita Skeeter: "HARRY!" -attacks-

Harry: "MEEP!" -resists- "But I don't wanna go! NOOOO!"

Rita Skeeter: -drags him into a broom cupboard- "Oooh…cozy. This will do fine."

Harry: Help! RAPE! AAAAAAAAAAH! -is pushed onto a box-

Dumbledore ((from outside the cupboard)): "That cupboard sounds fun…let me in!"

Rita: -ignores- -takes out weird quill that twists and or distorts everything someone says all in the name of

journalism-

Harry: "Er..what's that?"

Rita: "Just ignore it. Now. Let's delve into your deepset darkest secrets. Shall we?"

Harry: "Er no…?"

Quill: "Tears begin to form in those startlingly green eyes as the conversation takes a turn towards his

parents."

Harry: "I don't have tears in my eyes."

Rita: -pause- -kicks him where the sun doesn't shine- "Alright then. Now how do you think your parents

if they were alive of course would feel about you competing?"

Harry: -is doubled over in pain- -through gritted teeth- "Thoroughly pissed off!"

Rita: "Oh no dear boy I was referring to your PARENTS. Not you."

Harry: -falls off box, whimpering-

Dumbledore: -opens door-

Harry: -had been leaning against door- -spills out of closet-

Dumbledore: "Time to weigh your wand Harry. Oh and you, Rita, you are never allowed on Hogwarts

grounds again. Good day!

Rita: ….

Wand Weigher: "Alright. Let's get this over with…"

Fleur: -steps forward- -gives wand weigher her wand-

Wand Weigher: "Yes yes very nice…wooden with a dead lady's hair. Nice."

Fleur: "Hmph. Zat vas ze 'air of my granmuzzer. She vas eh veela."

Wand Weigher: -waves wand- -turns Fleur into a flower and back again- -laughs- -gives wand back-

"NEXT!"

Krum: -steps forward- -gives wand-

Wand Weigher: "My my. Quite a large stick there m'boy."

Krum: -shrugs-

Wand Weigher: "Dragon heart string...interesting." -waves wand- -Rita's hat catches on fire- -gives wand

back- "NEXT!"

Rita: -dances in circles attempting to put out fire, completely forgetting to use magic-

Cedric: -steps forward- -gives wand-

Wand Weigher: "Ah yes. One of mine. You polish it I see."

Cedric: -is proud-

Wand Weigher: "You really have no life, do you?" -waves wand- -gives Cedric a life-

Cedric: "WTF!"

Wand Weigher: -gives Cedric's wand back-

Harry: -steps forward- -gives wand-

Wand Weigher: -very mysterious- "I remember this one well. Voldemort's wand is it's twin."

Rita: -is too busy trying to put out the fire to notice-

Harry: -facepalm-

Wand Weigher: -wave wave-

Wand: -conjures water & puts out fire on Rita's head- -is given back-

Wand Weigher : "All is in order. Let the games begin!"

Dumbledore: -clears throat- "The actual competition isnt for a few weeks my friend."

Wand Weigher: "Oh. Well in that case, may I have some brandy?"

Dumbledore: -pause- "But of course!"

BIG. CREEPY. FOREST.

Hagrid: "Got tha cloak o yours?"

Harry: "NAW! I'm just invisible for the sake of being invisible."

Hagrid: "OK then."

Madame Maxime: -is also there-

Harry: -thinks- "Oh. MY. GOD. You're KIDDING!"

Hagrid & Maxime: -are all lovey-dovey-

Harry: "BLECH!"

Group: -walks into darkest part of forest-

Hagrid: "Oh by he way, LOOKIE! DRAGONS!"

Harry: "Oh shite!"

Maxime: "Vat vos zat exactly?"

Hagrid: -drools over dragons- "Vat? Sorry…What?"

Harry: -runs away-

Maxime: -shrug-

Harry: -crashes into freaky stalker dude with bad mustache-

Bad Mustache Man: "WHOZERE?"

Harry: -gasp- -die- "Im SO screwed…"

Bad Mustache Man ((Who Happens to be Karakoff)): "PLOT-POINTED-NESS!"

Harry: -runs faster-

Gryffindor Common Room

Harry: "Tum de dum…I'm not sitting here by a dying fire in the early hours of the morning all alone..nope

definitely not."

Dying Fire: "I'M NOT DEAD YET!" (yays for Monty Python)

Harry: -shrug-

Dying Fire: "Why I oughtta-Oh….someone's here for you."

Harry: "WHA-?"

Sirius' Head: "Hiya Harry!" -appears in fire-

Harry: -falls out of chair- -gasps- "Hi."

Sirius: "Get your wimpy arse off the ground boy! This is serious!" ((Haha bad pun))

Harry: -gets wimpy arse off the floor because this is serious- "Er yeah...um...oh, by the way Sirius,

I've gotta get past a dragon for the first task. Nothin' sirius or anything - HAHA SIRIUS! Anyway

moving on."

Sirius: "Quit it already with the bad puns on my name! Tell me more about these dragons!"

Harry: -whiney- "Fi-ine. Anyway...HEY! Me tell you? YOU'RE supposed to be helping ME! Aren't you the

adult here?"

Sirius: ...

Harry: "Right. They're four of them. A…er….Hungarian Wormtongue, a Swedish Somethingorother, a Chinese Fart Bomb, and a ….a….um…?"

Obsessed Audience Member & Book Reader #69: "BUT-!"

Sirius: -facepalm- "That would be Hungarian Horntail, Swedish Short-snout, Chinese Fireball, and a Welsh

Green you imbecile. Has Hagrid taught you nothing?"

Harry:…

Sirius: -facepalm- "Don't answer that."

Harry: "Gladly."

A noise: -is heard-

Harry: "OMG get outta here Sirius!"

Sirius: -goes-

Ron: -wakes up- -goes down stairs-

Ron's Pajamas: -are too short-

Harry: "Go to sleep loser."

Ron:. "..Ok." -turns- "I HATE YOU YOU'RE A SELFISH GIT!"

Harry: -chucks a 'POTTER STINKS' badge-

POTTER STINKS Badge: -attacks Ron- "DI-IEEE!"

Ron: -claps hands over ears- "FRIGGIN INANIMATE OBJECTS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK!"

POTTER STINKS badge: "My apologies." -clatters to ground-

Ron: -recovering from shock- "Despite my sudden spaz attack, that does not diminish the effect of this

exit!"

Harry: "Studying theater now are we you bloody git!"

Ron: "GRRRR!"

Harry: "GRRRR!"

Ron & Harry: -clash-

Courtyard

Harry: (to Ron) "Hey."

Ron: -ignore-

Harry: "WTF! Im trying to be all friendly and brave and bold and make ammends!"

Ron: -ignore-

Harry: -poke poke-

Ron: -smack- -walks away-

Harry: -is stunned-

Cedric: -is surrounded by girls…as usual-

Harry: "Erm…can we talk?"

Cedric's Friends: "POTTER STINKS!"

Harry: "Seriousl-"

Cedric's Friends: "POTTER STINKS!"

Cedric: -laughs- "Now, dont you believe me when I say that I'm sorry since I've laughed so cruelly in your

very presence?"

Harry: "...yes?"

Cedric: "OK then…what is it?"

Harry: hushed whisper- "Dragons."

Cedric: "What?"

Harry: "The first task is dragons."

Cedric: "What?"

Harry: "DRA-You really are just a pretty boy aren't you?"

Cedric: -hesitates- -nods-

Cedric Fans: -mutter- "EEEEVIIIL!"

Writers: "SHUT UUUUUP!"

Harry: -facepalm- -walks away-

Malfoy: -pops out from behind a random tree-

Cronies: "POTTER STINKS!"

Malfoy: "Where's Weasel?"

Harry: -ignore-

Malfoy: "Seriously…where's your girlfriend?"

Harry: -ignore-

Malfoy: "Oh no you dont!" -takes out wand-

Harry: "Outta my way."

Moody: "I ferret you!"

Harry: "Say wha?"

Malfoy: -is a ferret-

Harry: LMAO

Malfoy: -is bounced-

Malfoy Fans: "Oh dear!"

Writers: -glare- "Really…what is your problem!"

Dumbledore: -walks by, seemingly doesn't care-

McGonagall: -is petrified- "MOODY! WTF!"

Moody: "Hehe…teaching…"

McGonagall: "NO!" -makes Malfoy a cute blond bloody git again- -mutters- "Not that I haven't wanted to

transfigure you myself a few times!"

Harry & Moody: "Damn…"

Malfoy: -runs away crying for Daddy and screaming like a little girl-

Moody's Officy Thing

Moody's Leg: -clunks-

Moody: "That was a good thing you just did Potter."

Harry: "MUST everyone call me POTTER? I have a name you know!"

Moody: -ignore-

Harry: -pouts-

Moody: "Have ANY idea what you're doing in the first task? Potter?"

Harry ((Potter! Hehe)): "Well actually….I do have…."-pouts- "No."

Moody: -facepalm- "Of course not. Just get what you need."

Harry: "Ok. And….what do I need?"

Moody: "Play to your strengths!"

Harry: "Check. My strenghts…which are?"

Moody: -facepalm- "I GIVE UP!"

The First Task…((dramatic music))

Dragon: "ROAR!"

Everybody: O.O "AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Diggory: -faint-

Krum: -steps aside-

Diggory's Body: "THUD!"

Fleur: …

Harry: -facepalm-

Madame Pomfrey: "Oh not again…"

Tent Flap: -opens-

Hermione: -whispers/squeaks- "HARRY!"

Random Obsessive Audience Member #135: "But she wasn't…in there…in…the book DAMN YOU ALL

GET IT RIGHT!"

Writers: "Shall we?" -nod nod- "DI-IEEE!" -bludgeon-

Harry: "Yeees?"

Hermione:…-tackle-

Harry:….

Rita Skeeter: "Oh lovely! How I do love butting in!"

Photographer: -snap snap snap-

Harry & Hermione: "WTF!" -separate-

Rita & Photographer: -ignore- -laugh-

Krum: O.O -is shocked- "Ze Briteesh are veerd…"

Writer No. 1: "So true."

Writer No. 2: "But my mum's from Britain!" -glare-

Diggory: -wakes up-

Important Dude in Bowler Hat: -to Rita- "Get out you old HAG! Muaha. Anyway moving on." -to everyone

else- "Pick your dragons everyone fun fun stuff!"

Everybody: ….!

Fleur: -picks-

Mini Welsh Green: -is picked- -breathes miniature fire-

Fleur: -turns white-

Krum: -picks-

Chinese Fire-ball: -is picked- -walks around on his hand-

Krum: -scowl-

Diggory: -picks- -trembles-

Swedish Shortsnout: -is picked- -smiles at Cedric-"Hey hot stuff!"

Diggory: -faint…again-

Harry: -tremble- -picks-

Hungarian Horntail: -is picked- -bites…HARD-

Harry: -shakes hand-

Hungarian Horntail: -goes flying across room & hits Diggory-

Diggory: -wakes up- -faints again-

Harry: "Snap! Wake up you!"

Diggory: -is still dead-

Bell: -rings-

Krum: -leaves-

Crowd: -gasp- "OOH! AAAH! OH! NO! YAAAAY! AW! -gasp- FINALLY!"

Tented People: -pace-

Bell: -rings-

Fleur: -leaves-

Crowd: "AAAAAAAAAH! OMG! WTF! NO! The OTHER way! Hoor-WHAT! Oooh….YAY -clap-

Bell: -rings-

Diggory: -wakes up- -twitches- -leaves-

Crowd: "NO! NOT HIS FACE!"((oh wait…that was only Malfoy…))

REAL Crowd: -horrified gasp-

Girls in Real Crowd: "NOO! The horror! But he's so PRETTY!"-sob- -drool-

Crowd: -cheers-

Dragon: "MY BABY!"

Crowd: "WTF! It TALKS!"

Ron: "NOOO! It's not SUPPOSED to do that!"-faints-

Hermione:..-kick-

Ron: -squeal-

Bell: -rings-

Harry: -gulps, pauses for dramatic effect, and then steps out into the blinding sunlight to meet his doom-

Dragon: ROAR -fly- -swishes horned tail (so that's why it's named that! -gasp-)- "I KEEL YOU!"

Harry: "It TALKS!"

Crowd in Unison: "YEP!"

Harry: -turns to crowd- -makes helpless/WTF gesture-

Dragon: "Um…hello? I'm right here."

Harry: "Right…can I have your egg?"

Dragon: "Sure."

Harry: "Reaaly?"

Dragon: "Of course not you dolt!"!

Obsessed Audience Member #28: "Who knew dragons were so articulate?"

Rest of Obsessed Audience Members: " SHAT-TUP!"

Writers: "Thanks."

Dragon: -swoops- -breathe LIFE-SIZE fire-

Harry: "Oh shit…"

Harry's Wand: -poof-

Harry's Firebolt: -flies-

Harry: " THATS what he meant by my strengths!"

Crowd, Real And Fictional: -facepalm-

Moody: "Ugh."

Harry: -flies on broom-

Broom: "WHEEEEE!"-swooosh-

Hogwarts: -is crashed into by a freak on a broomstick and a gigantic dragon- "WTF?"

Harry & Dragon: "SORRY!"

Dragon: "But I want to KEEL you!"

Harry: -falls dramatically…again-

Crowd: -gasp!- "Well this has never happened before!"

Harry: -saves himself predictably- "HAHA!"

Dragon: "DI-EEEEE!"

Harry: -dives-

Dragon: "NOT DIVE! DIE!"

Egg: "MOMMY!-is grabbed-

Harry: "Oh YEAH! WHAT NOW SON?"

Dragon:…-breathes fire-

Harry: " THAT…riiight"-is burned- "OW THAT FRIGGIN HURT!"

Dragon:. "Im sorry. That was supposed to TICKLE!"

Harry: "REALLY?"

Dragon: -face…er…facepaw….or maybe snoutpaw?…- -is captured-

Egg: "Mama?"

Harry: "Oh great."

Fantstically Decorated Common Room. PARTAAAAY!

Fred & George: "Best. Flying. EVER."

Harry: "Well…not really…"

Fred: "Yeah."

George: "You're right."

Hermione: -shoves Ron towards Harry-

Ron:…

Harry:…

Ron:…

Harry:…

Hermione: SPEAK!"

Harry & Ron: "'Lo."

Hermione: -facepalm- "Im outta here."

Fred & George: "No way. This should be interesting!"

Hermione: -glare- -drag-

Fred & George:…"Well…this sucks."

Ron: "You erm…did pretty good."

Harry: "Thanks I think…"

Ron: "Look! CREAM PUFFS!"

Harry: "Okay then."

Everybody: -party-

Gryffindor Students: -lift Harry onto their shoulders so he can like shout to everybody and be teenage-ish

and crap-

Seamus: "OPEN THE EGG!"

Harry: "You want me to open it?"

Everyone: "YEAH!"

Harry: "Really?"

Everyone: "YEAH!"

Harry: "Really REALLY REALLY?"

Everyone:…

Neville: "YEAH!"

Harry:…"Okay then…"

Egg: -is opened-

Screech: -is heard-

Everyone: "CLOSE IT!"

Harry: "You want me to close it?"

Everyone, Including Neville: "YES DAMMIT!"

Harry: "Real-"

Everyone: "YES!"

Egg: -is shut-

Everyone: "Wow."

Neville: -collapses-"It was someone being tortured!"

Harry: "It wasn't. You're just paranoid since your par-"

Neville: OO

Harry: "Parrot died?"

Neville: "That works."

BALL TIME!

Professor McGonagall: "Right. Girls - over there. Boys - over there. Anyhoo. Ball in a month, be there or

be a rhombus!

Everyone: -is frightened- ...

Ron: -raises hand- "What's a rhombus?"

McGonagall: "Nnnghh...right, for your SHEER STUPIDITY you must come and dance with me to show all

these poor uncultured souls how to dance properly!"

Fred & George: O.O "THIS IS WHAT WEVE BEEN WAITING FOR! LMAO"

McGonagall: "Right. I put my hand on your shoulder, we hold hands, you put your other hand on my

waist."

Ron: -faints-

McGonagall: "Oh for the love of God, Weasley!"

Everyone: -stunned pause- LMAO

Hermione: -runs down from the benches and slaps Ron (hard, several times) until he wakes up-

Ron: "Gerroff! Gerrof! Im awake!"-sees MacGonagall- "OMG I wasnt dreaming..."-faints-

McGonagall: -facepalm- -shrugs and begins dancing with Ron's lifeless form because, dangit, she needs to

demonstrate how these loons should be dancing!-

Everyone: -backs away slowly-

McGonagall: "Oh come off it, would you? Just dance with each other, you stupid simpering students!"

Random Student: "Awesome! Alliteration!"

Rest of Students: -awkward looks- "Loser…"

MacGonagall: "Now you must all find a date for the dance. Good luck Weasley…"

Ron: -cries-

MacGonagall: -facepalm-

The Little Study Hall Type Thing

Harry: -sign language-

Ron: -sign language-

Harry: -sign-

Hermione: "Oh come off it! Snape's way over there!"

Snape: -hears name- " Hm?"

Everyone: -hurries back to work-

Snape: -shruggeth-

Fred: -whispers furiously-" OY RON!" (Didn't that sound like a whisper?)

Ron: "Henh?"

Snape: -smack-

Ron: "OW."

Fred, George, Harry, & Hermione: -snicker snicker-

Snape: -goes down line-

Book in Snape's Hand: "WHAM! WHAM!" -abuses students-

Hermione: "Erm…Professor…that's…illegal, right?"

Snape: -smack-WHAM- "Not in this cla…SCHOOL!"

Hermione: -whimper-

Snape: -walks away arrogantly-

Ron: "But SERIOUSLY how do we get dates?"

Harry: -nods-

Hermione: -eye roll-

Fred: Watch. -whisper-yell- "ANGELINA!"

Angelina: -looks up, confused-

Fred: -motion motion motion that is somehow interpreted as asking her out-

Angelina: -nod nod smile giggle-

Ron & Harry:….

Fred: -smug expression- "Like that."

Ron & Harry:….

Fred & George: -facepalm- "Is it REALLY that hard?"

Snape's book: "WHAM!"

Fred & George's heads: -collide-

George: "OWW…Son of a bi-"

Fred: "Sonofa bi-"

Book: "WHAM!"

Fred & George: -pass out-

Ron & Harry: -stand- -check to see if they're okay-

Hermione: -motion motion- "Erm…Sn-"

Snape: -rolls up sleeves-

Harry & Ron: -gesture confusion to Hermione-

Hermione: "Oh dear…"

Snape: -grabs offending necks- -proceeds to wring them-

Ron & Harry: "OW! OW! OOOOOOW!"

Snape: -smug chortle- -walks away-

Harry: -rubs neck- "So THAT'S what you were signing…"

Hermione: -nod-

Ron: -whimper-

Fred & George: -moan-

Everyone: -goes back to work with varying levels of exasperation and degrees of pain-

Lightbulb: -appears over Ron's head-

Snape: -crushes lightbulb savagely-

Hermine: "Nnghgh…" -is a girl-

Ron: -picks himself up off the floor- "YOU'RE A GIRL."

Hermione: "Good job, Ron."

Ron: "So…"-deep voice- "How you doin'?"

Hermione: -twitch twitch- "Oh. My. God." -leaves-

Harry: -snort- "Well that went well."

Ron: "Shutup…"

Snape: -rolls up sleeves oncemore- -grabs heads-

Heads: "THONK!" -are knocked together-

Harry & Ron: -pass out as well-

Dumbledore: -passes by- Aw. Severus allows naps. Charming. There's no WAY he could POSSIBLY be a

Death Eater. -continues on his way-

Random Hallway Leading into Courtyard:

Harry: " We've just got to do it."

Obsessive Audience Members: "But that's…Ron's…line…?"

Writer's: "Honestly. How many times are we going to have to call security? Shut….UP!"

Obsessive Audience Members: "MEEP!"

Ron: "Do what?"

Harry: "Get a date….you know…for the ball…?"

Ron: "What ball?"

Fleur: -walks by-

Ron: "Oh THAT one….riiiight"

Harry: "Um yeah. Let's agree. By dinner, we'll both have dates."

Ron: -stares soppily at Fleur- "Yeah sure whatever."

Hands: -shake-

Owlery:

Harry: -walks up steps-

Steps: "OW!"

Ron: ((In the distance)) -screams- "INANIMATE OBJECTS SHOULDN'T TALK!" -twitcheth-

Harry: -thinks he hears something- -shrugs-

Harry & Cho: -collide-

Cho: "Oh um….hi…."

Harry: -proceeds to babble like an idiot-

Cho: -smiles and nods while slowly backing away-

Harry: -ends babbling in what sounds like a question-

Cho: "Uh…what? I don't speak boy…did Snape finally slip you a Babbling Beverage like he always

threatened?"

Harry: "Wannagobalwime?"

Cho: "ARTICULATE for God's sake!"

Harry: "Would you like to go to the ball with me?"

Cho: -acts all apologetic- "I'm sorry. Our love can never be. At least for now. I'm going with Cedric

Diggory."

Harry: "Alrighty then. Bye!" -leaves-

Cho: -slips in owl dung-

Harry/Hermione/Ginny Shippers: "YAY!"

Harry/Cho Shippers: "Oh shutup you foul little gits!"

Writers: "Yes REALLY! God! What book are you people reading anyway?"

Second Task Time! Some Huge Dock In The Middle of the Lake That Appeared Overnight:

Champions: -gulp-

Harry: -munches on gillyweed- "Not bad. Kinda like sushi really…"

Fleur: "Eet looks lek eh snail."

Harry: "Oh…thanks…and I'm supposed to swallow this now?" -shakes head- -swallows- -shudders-

Bell: -rings-

Three Champions: -dive in-

Harry: -pauses for dramatic effect while gills appear on his neck- -falls dramatically into the water- -swim-

Grindylows: -maniacal laughter- "ATTACK!"

Harry: "Oh shit…."

Wand: -is waved-

Grindylows: -are singed- "OW! OWOWOWOWOW! And they wonder why we attack them?"

Harry: "Oh look! Evil-looking merpeople with spears…LETS SWIM TOWARDS THEM!"

Evil -Looking Merpeople With Spears: "Good idea!" -continue to sing creepy song-

Harry: -swim swim swim-

Hermione, Cho, Ron, and some Blond Chick: -are bound to a large rock-

Harry: "Damnit now which one's mine? I know everyone tied to this thing…except that blond chick."

Nobody: -knows-

Harry: "Gimme your spear!"

Merdude: "No."

Harry: "Yes."

Merdude: "No."

Harry: -pulls out wand-

Wand: -is pointed at merdude-

Merdude: "Cool. Now we both have pointed sticks."

Harry: "Oh forget it".-picks up pointy rock-

Pointy Rock: "Wait…what?" "Where are we going might I ask?"

Harry: -slashes at Ron's ropes-

Bubble: -comes out of Ron's mouth-

Harry: "Oh nice. At least he didn't far-"

Bubble: "Heh guess where this one came from…"

Cedric: -grabs Cho and goes-

Krum: -swims up with a shark head-

Harry: -practically shits himself before realizing who it was-

Krum: -almost bites Hermione in half while trying to bite through the rope-

Harry: -punch- -gives rock-

Krum: -shrug- -takes rock- -takes Hermione & swims away-

Harry: "Oh. My. God." -cuts bonds of the rest of the people-

Merpeople: "No."

Harry: "My aren't you articulate."

Merpeople: "No."

Harry: -facepalm- -drags Blond Chick and Ron to the surface- -struggles dramatically as gills go away-

-nearly drowns- -ties for first place anyway for being a total prick-

Inside The Tent:

Champions: -shiver-

Ron & Hermione: -chastise Harry for being such a prick-

Harry: "You two still want to pick a fight. I'm just happy you're alive!"

Hermione: -facepalm-

Ron: "I had the weirdest dream…I was..underwater…"

Harry & Hermione: -facepalm-

Krum: -is jealous- -steals Hermione- -asks her to the ball quietly and with a funny accent-

Rita Skeeter: -is an annoying bug in Hermione's hair- -listens- -is a prick-

Fleur: -runs over to Harry dragging the little blond chick- "Yew sehved er! Yew sehved my seester!"

Harry: "Er…okay…."

Fleur: -kiss-

Harry: -blink-

Ron: "I helped…"

Fleur: -stare- -walks away-

Ron: -pouts-

Gryffindor Common Room:

Ron: -pouts-

Crowd: -is surrounding Ron-

Weasley Twins: -rolling on the floor laughing hysterically-

Harry: "What'd he do this time?"

Fred: "He just….he just…."-bursts into raucous laughter-

George: "He just….just asked…."-collapses, pounding floor with fist-

Ginny: "He just asked Fleur Delacour to the Yule Ball."

Hermione: "Hmph."

Harry: "Idiot…."

Hermione: -gasp- -glare-

Harry: "Not YOU! HIM! She's part veela."

Ron: "Thanks for the heads up. It's really nice to know you've got my back."

Harry: "You're…welcome…?"

Hermione: -facepalm-

Ron: "Well you have a date then?"

Harry: -shakes head-

Ron: -deep voice- "How bout you Hermione?"

Hermione: -looks timid- -blushes- "Yes actually."

Ron: "No really."

Hermione: -glare-

Ron: "WHAT? You could go with one of us." -secretly hopes she picks him-

Hermione: "I already have a date. Thank you. Good night." -storms off, shoving past Ron angrily-

Ron: "Did I say something?"

Everyone: -facepalm-

The aforementioned length of approximately twenty minutes is subject to change based upon reading level and basic comprehension as well as your ability to follow such an incredibly random plot.