A/N: AU. Established relationship between Harry, Hermione, and Severus. No slash. Takes place after the war. Basically, this is all about Severus' feelings to a rift he inadvertently causes to the relationship. Hoping for forgiveness from the ones he loves and most importantly from himself. I don't own Harry Potter.
Please, forgive me..
I've been here three weeks now. Waiting, praying, making potions and more waiting. I don't want to go home yet, and Hermione understands my need to be here, to take care of Harry. I need to be here when Harry wakes up, I need to be here for the man I love and to explain how sorry I am for saying such hurtful words, for causing doubt and despair into Harrys feelings for me. Most importantly though, I want Harry to come home. I want to touch him, hold him, and inhale his scent. I want my family back, all of it. Over the past six months it has felt wrong at home, like something was missing and I know that Hermione feels it too. She's not the same with me anymore and that hurts just as much as Harry leaving. No, this will not continue, I will stay with Harry until he wakes up and I will fix this. Sitting back in the chair watching Harry's chest move up and down, I think back over the last six months.
Harry and I had a fight, over something to do with the kids and it turned ugly. I just couldn't stop the lies that spewed from my mouth and the look of hurt and shattered love from Harry wasn't enough to stop my runaway mouth. Not until I had finished did Harry stand straighter, square his shoulders, and look through me as if I didn't exist, did I understand what I had done. But it was too late. Harry turned and went to gather the children for a visit to the Grangers, I made to follow but realized soon enough that Harry didn't want me to. The kids were already in the hallway with their light cloaks and whatever toy they were allowed to bring with them with Harry was ushering them to the floo. Deciding to pick this up later, I let them leave and gathered myself and went to work.
Later that afternoon, Hermione's mother called and said that Harry hadn't picked up the kids yet and they had plans to go to a show. So, I left work early to get them and take them home, all the while cursing Harry for being irresponsible for forgetting the kids. It's not that I minded leaving work early it's just that I'm now overseeing several potioneers and today they are working on a new potion for to rejuvenate the neurons in the brain when there is suspected brain damage. Harry knew this, so this made my ire rise more and I couldn't wait to have words with my partner about being a responsible adult.
Upon entering our home, I noticed right away that something wasn't right. For one, Harry didn't greet us at the floo. He always greets anyone coming through the floo, he feels it is polite to welcome someone into our home even if we reside here. The second thing I noticed is that it is dark in the house. Harry always has the lights on and the curtains open to allow for fresh sunlight. Putting the youngest down, I walk into the kitchen looking for Harry only to find a letter on the table addressed to me and Hermione. This was not going to bode well.
Hermione was livid. She wanted to murder me for not watching my tongue. Taking a piece of my hide, she demanded I go after Harry and talk this out and get him to come back home. Tonight, right now actually, do not pass go and do not collect 200 pounds. So, I set out for Grimmauld Place, figuring this would be the most likely place Harry would have gone. I was correct, Harry had been there but was not there at the present. Deciding to wait for Harry, I sat myself in a chair by the floo and waited. After a couple of hours and still no Harry, I went home with the intent of coming back every day until I talked to Harry. Hopefully it wouldn't be 'days'.
Once home and sitting in the parlor with Hermione, the floo flamed up and our eldest son emerged. He is twelve and in his second year and he should be at school tucked into his bed. Just after he emerged, Headmistress McGonagall followed, and she didn't look too happy. Turns out he was feeling guilty about something he did at school and after receiving word of his two dads fighting, from his younger brother no doubt, he knew it had something to do with him. He is correct on that; however, I would never tell him that. Harry and I had a row and what we argued about is none of this kids' concern. But the fact that he's here makes me second guess why I questioned Harry in the first place. We've been partners over thirteen years and I've never questioned his motives once regarding us or the kids. I notice that Hermione is trying hard to hide her sorrow about Harry leaving, she has known him longer and better than I, and her worrying has me more than concerned for our relationship and family.
A week has gone by and there has been no word from Harry. Anger is becoming my main emotion. How can he just walk away from the kids? How can he just walk away from Hermione and myself without so much as a letter? The kids miss him terribly and ask about him more than once a day. Every morning and every dinner the baby asks for 'dada' and it breaks my heart when she starts crying for him. That's when my anger is the worst. Has he no regard for what he's putting the kids through? Hermione, on the other hand, is stoic and never allows her concern to show to the kids. She's a rock and I understand more about her relationship with Harry from her actions this past week; she was his rock all through school and the fight with the Dark Lord. Slumping in my chair, I really did fuck this up.
Hermione is keeping me at a distance now. Her touches, while still there, are not as frequent and lingering as the used to be. It hurts but I did this to us and I will fix this if it's the last thing I do. The one good thing to come from this is I'm spending more quality time with my kids. Sure, I know them, but not as well as Harry, who spends all say with them. I've learned that my little girl loves tea parties and the color pink, and my second son loves to read and draw. He draws all the time and he's quite good at it for a child of nine. Hermione and I take turns tucking the kids in at night and when we are alone it's strained sometimes but we love each other and we're trying to move forward without him for now. We are hoping for some kind of word from him. Once, I expressed my displeasure at the lack of communication from Harry and Hermione laid into me. I knew she had a temper, but it had never been aimed at me quite like this. I do not ever want her to do that again, she was very scary. She's just as worried as I am though, and I forgive her, as I would anything she did, I love her.
Two months with Harry gone and we finally received a note from him. It came by owl, one I have never seen before. When Hermione read the note, she turned white, dropped it, and bolted into our room and stayed there for days. She cried so hard and intensely and I felt awful. The note was short and without emotion or explanation as to why we haven't heard from him until now. It just stated he was traveling around the world, he needed space, and he would let them know when and if he came back. That was it. No 'love Harry' or 'I miss you' or 'I love you' or 'How are the kids?'. It was a cold letter and my insides did flips at the feeling of him never coming home. When Hermione finally came out of our room, she was not the same woman. She was quieter- less pushy, if that was possible, and she decided on her own to cut back to part time at work to spend more time with the kids. We both had to rearrange our work schedule to take care of the little ones, but this decision affected our income and therefore it affect us. Of course, I understand but that didn't make me happy about it, but I was not going to say that to her. I was not going to be the brunt of her temper again. No way. We will make it through this hurtle and I hope we will still be together when we do.
Four months of Harry not here and Hermione is starting to be herself again. We made love for the first time in months last night and, although it was great, it just didn't feel right without Harry there. She didn't have to say it, but I could tell she was thinking about him too. We really miss him. I hate how he just walked away without any thought to what he's doing to us, to her! I don't understand how he can leave and only send one cold letter. How he can abandon his kids and us when he knows what it feels like to have people leave him! I'm starting to wonder about his peace of mind because the Harry I know wouldn't do this to his family.
Five months after Harry left the Daily Prophet headlines are about a raid on Malfoy Manor. Normally I wouldn't care about what happens with that family but something about the headline caught my attention, 'Malfoy Manor Raided Surprise Find Inside!'. Naturally, I had to read the article, but the 'surprise find' was not specifically mentioned and it was disappointing. Later that day, Hermione floo called me and told me to come home immediately, it was urgent. The tone of her voice scared me, and I thought something happened with the kids. I finished what I was doing hastily and went through the floo, only to stop short when I noticed a handful of Aurors in our parlor.
That's how I became to be by Harry's side in St. Mungo's ICU ward. Harry was the 'surprise find' in Malfoy Manor. Turns out that Lucius Malfoy saw Harry walking through Diagon Alley the same day of our row and managed to kidnap him and keep him in the dungeons of Malfoy Manor. He barely fed him, he tortured him and Merlin knows what else he did to my love. It makes me sick to think of that filth touching something as pure as my Harry. Hermione was beside herself with grief when we first laid eyes on him. She wouldn't let me near Harry for a whole day while she mothered him and took care him. Even the Healers had a hard time accessing Harry. Finally, Hermione stepped aside, after learning they had to put him into a magically induced coma to heal the worst injuries and let me be near him. Holding his hand, taking in his scent, and seeing his face, as battered as it is, was so overwhelming for me. The tears fell, I couldn't stop them, and I didn't want to. All that time I was angry at him for leaving us and the kids and all the while he was being tortured and starved and he was locked in a cold dark dungeon for months. How will I ever make this up to him?
It's been five weeks since Harry's been found and he's still in a coma. The Healers are getting worried, they said he should have come out of it by now. I help with the making of his potions and sit by his side and read to him. The kids have all come and visited him, the youngest leaving her pink blanket with him for good luck and our second son put pictures he drew all over the walls in the room. Our eldest son comes on the weekends and reads Quidditch Weekly and talks about school and how much everyone misses him. It's funny how forgiving the kids can be when I find it so hard to forgive myself for what Harry's been through. If we hadn't fought than Harry wouldn't have been in Diagon Alley for Lucius to kidnap, it's a vicious circle of guilt and what-if's and until Harry wakes up I will never be able to let this go.
Harry's arm twitches and I'm out of my chair so fast and taking his hand. I want him to feel me before he sees me, to feel the love I have for him before he looks into my eyes and sees the guilt and sorrow. My heart is fluttering hard against my ribcage and I'm holding my breath. I'm so nervous for him to see me. What if he turns me away? What if he looks at me with contempt. I keep my focus on his eyes and squeeze his hand in support. "You're safe, Harry. You're in St. Mungo's and Lucius is not a threat anymore." I whisper this over and over to him in hopes he will feel safe enough and come back to me. I'm rewarded with his bright green eyes opening and he stares straight into mine. I squeeze his hand gently and bring his hand to my lips. "You're safe, Love. You're safe." He doesn't look away and his eyes hold no anger or mistrust. He looks at me with so much emotion and love and I blink away the stinging in my eyes. He squeezes my hand in return and my life has righted itself.
Hermione and the kids came to stay with Harry for the afternoon while I make a visit to the Ministry. Harry is sitting up now, talking and eating better and it looks as if he will be released to come home in the next week. We haven't talked about us, but we have told him what happened since he's been recovered. Lucius Malfoy was questioned under veritaserum the same day of the raid and he confessed to kidnapping Harry and making him write one letter to his family to keep them from worrying about him. Thus, he could keep Harry as long as he wanted and do to him what he pleased, which he did for five months before the Ministry got wind of something going on. No one knows who tipped off the Ministry, but I for one am very grateful. That's where I'm going now, to the Ministry to witness the Kiss of Lucius Malfoy. I need to know that this threat to my family is gone so Harry will feel safe and secure once again.
It's been seven weeks since Harry has been found and he's finally coming home. Hermione has been going frantic getting the house ready for him. I don't think our home has ever been so polished and the kids so clean but if it makes her happy to do this then who am I to say no. I love her for all her craziness and I love that fact that the light has come back into her eyes. Our Harry is coming home. I'm nervous again because I know the long-awaited conversation between him and me has to happen before we can move on. I think he knows this too, for when we get home and he's settled in our bed, he asks Hermione to send the kids to her parents for the night. My stomach does a couple of flips and my hands start to sweat. Looking at myself in the mirror I wonder when I've become such a Hufflepuff. I'm the snarky git that used to teach potions at Hogwarts. I would never let anyone see how I was feeling whether it be happy or sad. Now, I have a family with two people I love more than I realized only six months ago. I have three wonderful children, who are smart and well-adjusted and full of so much love and that stems from the parents, me included. I'm very proud of my accomplishments since the war and I'm not going to lose it.
The first-person Harry wants to see is me…alone. I enter the room slowly and he smiles at me. That smile does more for me than I ever thought a smile could do. He holds his hand out to me and I immediately take it and sit on the bed. "I don't blame you, Severus." He says and I'm already weeping. Laying my head on his chest he wraps his arms around me and says soothing words to me. This is why I love this man so much. I try to talk, and he quiets me, telling me again it's not my fault and then he says the words I never thought I'd hear. "I forgive you for what you said to me that day, Sev. I know you didn't mean any of it and I'm sorry for what you had to endure while I was gone." This man is too nice for me, too forgiving for a person like me, but you know what? I don't care. This man is mine. This man is one third of my soul and I will never ever do anything to lose him again. "Merlin, Harry. I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." I say into his chest and he take my chin and gazes into my eyes and kisses me. The kiss is soft and tender and it's telling me he loves me. Once, twice, three times he kisses me before we open our mouths and deepen the kiss. He tastes the same and I'm lost to oblivion. I don't know when it happened, but Hermione has joined us, and it finally feels like home again.
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