Forbidden Lust: A Lost Life

A Novella: By Benjamin Hale

Point Of View: Alex Dunphy

**This story was done in collaboration with FeralG3. She came to me with a good idea, and we decided to work on this with one another.**

Every morning I wake up at six am, on the dot. It doesn't matter if its a weekend, summer vacation or one of the rare days off I manage to get from school, I'm always up at six in the morning with no questions asked. Ever since I started high school my body's become adapted to being woken me up at six. I'm not sure why this is, for every morning, just like this, I'm so tired I don't want to open my eyes. My body is stiff, preventing me from sitting up at first. It usually takes me a good three to four minutes every morning to wake my body up enough to actually prepare myself for the daunting task of out of bed, this in spite of my mind running a million beats per minute.

Once I am up, however, I am up. I throw myself out of bed and quickly hop into the shower, hoping that I can beat my older sister Haley and her two hour readiness routine. She always takes the longest showers, meaning on the days I do not beat her to it I always lose a good thirty minutes off my morning routine, which can throw me completely off schedule and ruin my day for good. If you haven't already noticed yet, I am a girl of strict routine. I have always made sure to stick with what works and I don't stray away from it.

Everything down to the way I dress, what I eat for breakfast, what time I need to be at school by, where I sit at lunch and how I do my homework. This basic yet very complex routine at times can be hard to meet with all the crap that goes on around me both in school and at this house, yet I have always managed to keep it with me through the tests of time, for it is what I am able to attest to as being my main reason of success in this life.

I had come to adopt these routines in middle school after discovering that a steady routine and solid foundation of morals is the best way to maintain a healthy and stable lifestyle. Of course there were tweaks that needed to made along the way, but once I got to high school I'd locked down what I believed to be the best avenue for success. It would quickly become the very backbone of everything I'd do.

Within the last three years I've fought very hard to maintain this steady course of action, which in turn has allowed me to achieve the best grades in my class by far. Not only limited to grades, my academic resume is quite impressive to say the least. Surrendering fun activities and social interactions, in my eyes was a necessary part of implementing this fool proof plan. It may suck at times, but I know that once i am in college and getting my life together I will be in a much better spot then my co-parts spending their days partying and throwing caution to the wind.

Standing under the steady stream of coursing water over my body, it's easy for me to think about these things and get down on myself for what has still not gone good in my life. I can lie to myself all the time, yet there have been so many things I have missed out on in my seventeen years on this earth; from prom to homecoming, a genuine connection to someone, a solid group of friends. There's really no one else to blame for these faults then myself, for I have always been the one to ostracize myself from those around me.

My efforts to change my course of thought to something else have proven to be futile once more, as there I just can not seem to get this nagging thought out of my mind. I have gone through so many years of my life without really doing the things I would deem to be fun. I've never been one to branch out and do the things that most high school kids my age enthrall themselves in. Usually I am ale to put aside my feelings of loss long enough to involve myself much deeper into the great escape of homework. Yet like most morning the last two weeks, the flood of emotions I receive every morning pegs me with the same burning thought... When will enough me enough?

I manage to push these thoughts aside as I exit the shower and make my way towards my room, where I quickly dress myself and put the minimal makeup required. In doing such I begin to once again think about the life I wish I'd had, the life that could be mine if only I just pushed myself a little harder to try and make some friends. It comes so easy for me to isolate and rationalize these feelings of emotion that I have when filling my mind with self talk of abandonment and the loss of my childhood I've experienced at no other hand but my own.

Taking those deep seeded feelings I've reflected and actually moving them forward in a constructive manner has proven and continues to prove itself as one of the most frustrating feats I have yet to conquer. It is my biggest fault, my most predominate character defect by a long shot. It needs to be fixed.

If only life were as easy as getting good grades I would be the most popular kid in school by far. I look to my sister, Haley, and how she had been so popular throughout the years. How she's been able to garner the love and support of her class, having them at her fingertips. In a way I want everything she's come to have. I want it more than anything in this world. Yet I know that in order for me to obtain such a status, I would have to surrender my life to the cause, something that I just could not seem to talk myself into doing.

At seven on the mark I am perched waiting by the door for my mother to arrive. I would go join her in the kitchen, where she usually spends her early mornings milling around trying to get everything settled for my brother and sister before their days start. She has always loved my brother with all her heart, spending most of her time coddling him with showers of love and affection.

She and my sister have had some issues over the years but now their relationship couldn't be any better. They go to the mall together, cook dinner with one another, watch sad movies and cry together. Ugh! It makes me want to vomit sometimes just thinking about it. Then there's me, a stark comparison to be had from the way my siblings are treated. For some reason, it seems as though I have come to receive nothing but continuous criticism from my mother, even when it comes to the most trivial of things.

This isn't always the case though. Ninety percent of the time she is still kind to me. She can have her moments with everyone I suppose only it seems to be that I am some kind of an exception. Don't get me wrong, she is a great mother who is supportive of most all the decisions I make in life. The only time she becomes a real pain in the ass is when it comes to decisions she feels I should not be making... The most recent example of this being my decision to take on a summer chemistry class on top of band and the stack of summer homework that I have to complete.

Her logic behind her 'necessary' critiques of me would be that she I overwork myself. She's mentioned to me before how I do not give myself enough time to have fun in life, it's always about work. I'm not going to sit here and tell you she's wrong. I'm reminded every morning of those problems. To my self I can not lie, yet I would never admit such a thing to her. Instead I find my way around it, mostly by making up these false stories about my friends and I going out when I'll just go to the library and study for five hours. I guess in theory its better then having my mother make friends for me at seventeen years of age.

"Are you ready to go?" My mother asks clutching the same handbag she's had for the last six years over her left shoulder with the same smirk on her face. Her usual mom jeans and a t-shirt sitting somewhat frazzled on her body, indicating she was more rushed this morning as opposed to others.

I nod in approval of her advances and stand myself up from the stairs. I don't let her see me study in the morning. She will give me to much grief about it. I'll have plenty of time to study before class and cram for my exams. I walk out having finished a chapter in my Steven King novel only to be hit by a the hot California air. Usually the temperatures are cooler this time of year, but today it's hot, making me regret wearing skinny jeans and a sweater to school. I can only hope it's the usual bone chilling temperature in school today.

Once I am situated inside the family car and we have made our way I begin my morning ritual of wishing for just two things to happen. One, that my mother doesn't cause me any strife on the way there, and that I can hopefully avoid Robbie for the remainder of the day today. Both of those evils would without a doubt put me in the worst possible state of mind before going into todays school day.

The chances of my mother talking to me is very high. There isn't much I can really do about that one. Robbie is a different story, for over the last couple days I feel as though I've done a pretty good job of dealing with his childish games Even though he has been handling the situation with complete immaturity, I feel as though I have been doing my best job of taking the higher ground, and not bothering to engage him with this petty nonsense.

I broke it off with Robbie after three dates because it because clear to me that his one and only goal was to have sex with me, not pursue a relationship. Something I do not care for. Since entering middle school, I promised myself that I would save my virginity for the right person. There's nothing that appealing about engaging in wanton sexual escapades with someone that come a couple days after I will hate myself for. I don't understand why people seem to do that these days, it never once sounded appealing to me.

I usually don't even go out with guys. Robbie was one of the only exceptions. The only reason I bothered to go out with him was due to the fact that he had been asking me for three years. I did it more or less to get him off my back. Of course it turned out to be a disaster, leading me to believe that if I had just kept on ignoring him he maybe would have caught on. Grown up in the last year or so of school maybe.

I've been able to and can continue to handle him though. Most people in school know about his deplorable behavior and have ostracized him from their circles. People I don't even know coming up to me and protecting me when things get too dicey for me to handle. When it all comes down to it the though, the whole thing can be very wearing. Just the worry and stress alone of what's to come when I arrive to school not knowing what his plan for me may be really drives my desire to build a solid group of friends who can support me when I need them.

"Alex." My mother breaks me from my chain of thought. My tunnel mind, as I like to call it, causing me to completely forget that I am in the car sitting with her. 'Will you be joining us for dinner tonight?"

"Uh. Yeah." I say fixing myself in the front seat as we come to an intersection.

"I'm making your favorite." She smiles wide in anticipation of my reaction.

"Sounds delicious." I give a half ass laugh as I look out the window again, trying to collect myself once more before continuing on our drive towards my high school.

I know full well that my mother knows I am having issues at school. While I do my best to hide it from her, I know there is only so much I can do to keep myself from carrying it all over my face. Besides, I made the mistake of telling Haley about it, which in light of her return for college has been doing everything she can to get on mom and dads good side. Even if it means playing informant for their nosey bidding.

It makes me worry somewhat about what I do tell her. At the same time, however, she is really the only person I can talk to about things like this. While my mother has not yet brought anything up to me I know she wants to say something. Her motherly instinct calling for her to make a move on me and make the best of what could turn out to be a turning point in trust within our relationship.

I'm smart enough to know that sooner or later it will come up. If I am able to get ahead of things now and bring forth this conversation in my own words, I can better manipulate the conversation to go in my favor. If I allow my mother to make the first contact then it could go south. Words can get mixed up and my life could face even more worry then it needs. These thoughts run through my mind, bringing about this burning desire of mine to make first contact, allowing me the upper hand in what comes of this whole situation.

"I have a problem." I say to her as we come to a stop at another stoplight.

"What's wrong?" She looks to me immediately with concern "Are you okay."

"I'm okay, mom." I grunt out "Just drama here and there is all."

I watch my mother sit back and think for a second. I can tell she is trying to come up with something profound to say. Something that she thinks will ifx all my problems. She has always been that type of person. A try hard of sorts when it comes to saving the day. A lot like me in school. Putting all her effort into her children and making their lives as good as she can. It made perfect sense to me. So I let her sit and think until finally she opens her mouth.

"There will always be drama Alex. Best thing you can do is not engage in it." My mother gives me the most obvious advice I think she could have gave me in that situation. Even though it carried some meaning to me.

"Kids who seek drama also seek attention. By that statement I should ignore it, which I have been doing for the last couple days." I continue on "Yet the drama keeps getting worse and worse the more I try to avoid it." Our light turns to green and we continue growing closer to my school.

"Well yes." My mother nods her head "When your a child and you don't get what you want you throw a bigger and bigger fit until you end up getting what you want." She laughs "You used to do it all the time with me when I wouldn't give you candy." I groan to the analogy even though I see where she is coming from "Eventually, you would tire yourself out and not throw a fit anymore. If you don't give them the reaction they want, eventually they will give up, and move onto someone else who will give them the attention they want."

I nod to this, while understanding this simple analogy I over analyzed it to the point of not really thinking of it in that context. Of course grown men are not like babies, and I do not know how far Robbie is going to take this before he does end up getting what he wants, but I see where my mother is coming from. Wise advice none the less I brush it off to some extent, not focused all that much on the semantics of her speak.

"If your analogy is right then this person should have stopped by now yet they continue to escalate their resistance against me. I have done all I can to ignore them and fend them off with non answers and placation already." I state as we pull down the street my school is on "By all means I should give it another couple days before worrying myself with coming up to another alternative."

"Your a smart girl Alex. You'll figure it out." My mother smiles as we pull to a stop "You should talk to Haley. I'm sure she's had her fair share of high school drama expirence."

"I'd go to her if the answer was pulling hair and calling people bitches." My mother cracks a smile "Sadly that is just not me. I have more important things to worry about then petty drama, only it seems to consume me more then I would hope it would." I continue on my robotic answers to everything.

"Well there are a lot of different ways to deal with these kinds of situations." I grab my backpack and open the door "I'm sure you'll find the best way." My mother gives me a confident smile which I can not help but smile back to before walking up to school, feeling somewhat better about the situation i'm going into.

It's been hard for me at times to relate to my mom on a personal level. Hard for me to understand that I am cut from the same cloth as her with some of the things she says to me. It sounds terrible that I actually think this way, but it's true. She is a Haley kind of girl, and I am nowhere near the two of them by any sense of the meaning. I'm quiet, reserved, unpopular to sum it all up. They know how to deal with drama using behavior I would never in a million years come to understand or even dream to use. Not so long as I am still on top of my game.

Taking a further look at what she said, though, I can see more and more where she is coming from what she tells me I need to ignore this man's behavior even more then I have. This runs my mind as I walk into school and immediately head to my locker. As always, I don't bother to look up or engage with anyone. I am hoping to avoid Robbie at all costs, I just have to get my books and head to class. Yet just as I am about to leave I hear his booming voice calling my name on the corner of the intersection where the math and science hallways intersect.

I give a slight groan, knowing full well there is nothing I can do to avoid meeting him. I should have waited for Val or Skyler to meet me at the front door, for I know that he would never dare engage me when they are with me. Their cold and unforgiving tactics always seeming to push him away. Yet my need to study pushed me to make a bad decision once more. Now I'll have to be the one who gets myself out of it.

"Hey." He greets me with this arrogant look. His jeans sagging like the want to be gangster. His sleek and slender figure propped up against the wall, clearly displaying a black band t-shirt. His hair is messy and unkept from what I would have to guess is a long night of video games unwisely played instead of studying. I wonder to myself why I even bothered going for this man in the first place.

"Hey." I greet him with a hurried look on my face "I have to get to class early to study can this wait until after?" I try to buy myself some time, yet am unable to do so as he catches right through my lie and lures me over to him with a stiff groan and annoyed scoff to my rushed persona.

"Alex Dunphy." the man swallows hard "Always to busy to visit an old friend?" I remain silent hoping he will give me a chance to rush off, my heart racing as I stand equal distance from him "Seems you never have time to talk anymore. Even the people who care for you." He softly laughs to my annoyance of the conversation, turning serious after a couple seconds "Look, I just want to say I'm sorry for the way I've treated you the last couple of days." He swallows his pride in a move I was not expecting from him.

"It's okay." I say to him "No hard-"

"Let me make it up to you." He cuts me off before I can advance my escape "Before you say no I'll get us reservations at Amanos. Their chicken alfredo is to die for."

"I think that after everything going on between us it wouldn't best if we just went our separate ways." I try to let the kid down easy "I appreciate the gesture, Robbie. I just don't want to make things more complicated than it has to be is all." I shake my head knowing he is not going to like it one bit.

"Nothing is going to happen." The man reiterates "Lets just call it an in person extension of my apology to you. A good deed for all the bad ones I gave you over the last couple days."

"There is nothing that needs to be reciprocated Robbie." I smile out of awkwardness "I think that this is a good place to just put things to rest and move on with our lives."

"I don't see how that is going to make things better." The teen responds hurried like "There is a lot of unresolved things that I feel we need to work on before we can move forward. Unsettled business."

"Robbie." I back away a little bit "I would love to talk about this but I really have to go." I try to pass him but am unable to cross the hall after his cold, harsh hand grabs my wrist to stop me, his eyes now filled with anger at my persistent and very cold like rejection of him. The pursuit of me having come to an end in his eyes there is nowhere good to go from here. I prepare myself for the verbal ass kicking as the man yanks me towards him.

"What?" He lets go of me, laughing as he shakes his head in response to his actions. "Was it something I said?"

"Leave me alone." I say only to be quickly retorted, attempting to step back once more yet unable to do so with the heard of students heading through on route to their classes, trapping me with the deranged man.

"I just don't get it. I really don't." He shakes his head. I stare him down in light of everything that's happened. I need to let him know I'm serious. I've playacted him to much just by speaking words to him. The anger inside my body rising over the last three days from turn after turn of harassment from him just puts me has finally got to me. I am ready to snap on him as he spits nothing but gibberish to me. I don't bother to listen. My eyes are focused on him. I don't break a sweat nor my stern eye contact with him. It's all over once he finishes his sentence.

Then something catches my eye. The mirror reflection of a shadow figure stepping up behind him from the row of lockers. I dart my eyes towards this figure. He has come up close, standing just a couple feet behind Robbie, making him look a pitiful fool in size compared to whomever this man is. I can not get a look at his face, for he wears a black hoodie, yet I know just from gazing back and forth towards him that he buff, tall, and strong.

He could just be a passer by pinned in from the heavy flow of students moving down the hallway. Yet once he is able to get around Robbie he stops right next to him. The once valiant date of mine turning his attention towards him with a disgusting trace up and down his body. There is no telling what could happen. I grip my textbooks tight and hope for the best, ready to run if something were to happen.

"I think she's made it clear she doesn't want you." The teens stance soft voice carries a relaxing yet powerful reflection of authority that I can't help but feel my body shake a little bit. From what he's said I know he is here to protect me. A passer by standing up for me in the best way possible. Yet I still shake in fear of the unknown. My body not good at handling the presence of other people more dominate then I.

My legs continue to shake as Robbie turns to confront this mystery man. I prey to god that he doesn't. I have never seen this man before, never heard his name or even got a look at his face. All these unknowns are going to drive me insane if I do not figure this out. I watch as the two men size one another up. My mystery savior having a good foot on Robbie, making any fight unobtainable for the tiny young man. Yet he does not back down, in what I would have to guess is a show of power and authority over me up until the last second.

"There's nothing going on here." The man responds with a timid look on his quickly sheltered face. The man tilting his head down ever so slightly in realizing that he would not be able to last more then a second with the man standing before him. The fight would not come close to being fair due to the stark size comparison inability's gap between the two clearly polar opposite young men. "Just a disagreement is all."

Refusing to even acknowledge the boy with even so much as a nod, I watch in pure disbelief as the stocky man looks directly to me, revealing what has to be the most attractive guy I have ever seen. His chocolate brown eyes piercing my tingly body with every second he looks before my figure.

He is much taller than me, in fact he towers over me more so then Robbie. His muscles are so defined, his body so perfectly cut and chiseled like a statue. Though he covers himself with a sweatshirt the physique of this unknown man has me far weaker then any artificial fear I'd once carried.

The way he looks to me, with this dying look of care and concern for me. FOR ME! is to die for. I'm wet just looking at him already. Then comes the smile. His warm, inviting smile makes me want to jump right into his arms and run away with him. As if he himself were to be the answers to all my problems in life.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, his voice just as I remember it from minutes ago. A raspy yet light tone piercing every inch of my body. His presence shining a bright light on my soul like no one else has done before. I am almost so taken aback from his attractiveness that I can't speak. Yet I manage to overcome the pit in my stomach and respond to him through a stifled lump in my throat. Not from tears, yet from the pure bliss of love.

"Yes." I nod avoiding eye contact the second that I speak to him "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." The man looks around "Guy seems like a real douchebag." He looks to find Robbie nowhere in sight. The once strong boy now having slipped away into the night in the hopes of making a great escape from certain death if he were to oppose the mystery man.

There is an awkward silence that follows. I am screaming to myself to say something. Anything to him. I know he knows how embarrassed I am, for I can feel my face flush hot and red, growing worse and worse with every passing second. There is no escaping this. I have no idea what to say. I'm stuck here, brain all mushy from his hotness. I rake my mind for something, anything to say to this beautiful man standing here before me.

"I. I uh. I have to get to class." I mutter out before beginning to back away slightly. A confused look on the mans face as he cocks and eyebrow trying to figure out what is going on.

"Okay?" He breaks pose to give a warm smile "I guess I'll see you around."

I quickly excuse myself from the situation and head to class. I don't dare think to look back towards him partly out of embarrassment and party out of my want to just die for that boy. It was nice of him to do that for me, sticking up to Robbie like that. Most people just walk by and say nothing. I continue my walk down the hall and into my class where I take my seat and collect myself, finally being able to breath for the first time since entering the school ground. I have a test this period, I need to study. I need to focus. Forget about my no named hero.

'Mr. Perfect was a one time thing' I say to myself over and over 'It's to good to be true.'