Now and then I think of when we were together
Louis was looking through his closet for his favorite pair of suspenders when he came across something that tore his heart open.
It was a simple jean shirt, size medium, hanging in the very darkest (and mostly forgotten) part of the closet. To most it would appear to be just an insignificant inanimate object but to Louis it was a ripple of the pain that the shirt's owner had caused.
It struck him like a slap to the face and soon found himself sinking to the floor with confusion that began to consume him at its discovery. It spun him into a slew of memories.
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die, told myself you were right for me
Liam looked up at Louis, beaming with lustful passion. Louis was taken over by a feeling he had never experienced before. Those three little words sprung to his head when he looked at Liam.
It was right after one of their concert and they were back at their hotel room. Liam and he had been messing around for about two months at this point.
The other three blokes had already gone to bed and as soon as they were alone, the seemingly calm and collected Liam didn't hesitate to pounce on Louis.
"Whoa, slow down their partner." Louis advised as Liam began to undo the button on his pants.
Liam froze, perplexed by Louis's hesitation. "What? You don't want to…?"
Louis was surprise to hear a bit of anger in Liam's voice, but perhaps he was just mistaken and it was only disappointment.
"No… I just…" Louis stammered.
"Common, Lou, you know how we make each other feel, just relax a bit. The guys are all asleep, there's no chance they'd catch us. Just give in, I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone before." Liam whined and Louis's heart glowed at Liam's convincing words.
"Okay." Louis murmured before Liam smiled triumphantly and captured Louis's mouth in his. As much as it was aggressive, it was the most wanted Louis had ever felt.
Sure, it hurt a bit, as Liam's teeth cut into his lips but it was also worth it; with Liam he felt like he belonged.
But I felt so lonely in your company, but there was love and it's an ache I still remember
A few months later as a CD signing, Louis watched as Liam openly flirted no only with fans but Niall as well. He had his arm wrapped around the blond and Louis had to witness it all helplessly from the other side of the panel.
He tried to stay professional as he was being torn apart on the inside. He knew he was probably coming across as dejected and rude to the fans but he couldn't help himself. He was being tortured; the bloke who he thought loved him was outwardly alienating and ignoring him.
Louis felt like a complete stranger among the crowd of fans. Liam didn't care but Louis couldn't do a thing to change it so he simply accepted it.
Louis hadn't noticed Harry staring at him with a concerned look in his striking Emerald eyes. He hadn't seen that he wasn't alone and that there was someone out there who did still care about him immensely.
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, like resignation to the end, always the end.
Sometimes it hurt, sometimes it ached but Louis got used to the numb feeling that occurred when Liam kissed his lips. He just didn't have the power or care to say no anymore.
Day to day, Liam would go from outright ignoring him to seemingly out of nowhere hungrily pulling Louis into another dark corner to relieve his lustful need. But that's all it was anymore; there was no love that remained, only the physical aspect of it.
Louis pretended as if he wanted it but on the inside he wished Liam would just leave him alone. It was just too much anymore especially when at one point they had seemed so good for each other. The problem now was that Louis would convince himself to go on another day (or week…. or month) with Liam because he didn't want to make things awkward between them.
The oldest member of the group began to lose the mischief in his eyes, the bubbly personality that usually showed in interviews and concert turned to a bitter and subdued personality that just made Louis come across as apathetic and shut inside himself.
The breaking point was when management called Louis into a private meeting to address the personality change.
"Louis, we understand you're under a lot of pressure right now with the World tour right now, but something else is clearly going on." Anthony said, crossing his arms across his perfectly tailored suit.
He looked completely unimpressed and Louis could have cared less.
"I don't have to tell you anything, that's not part of the contract." Louis snapped, his lip trembling with anger.
Anthony was taken aback by Louis's attitude, he'd never been anything but obedient. He was going to need an ultimatum and thankfully, Anthony had one prepared: "Louis, I'm going to have to put you on suspension for awhile. To the public, you will be on hiatus because of a stress issue that affects your voice. You need to sort out whatever is going on for you or your contract will have to be terminated. We'll check up on you in three months, until then, take care of yourself."
Louis walked out of the room, feeling absolutely nothing about being put on a suspension from the band. Sure, he would miss the guys but maybe this was exactly what he needed: a well-deserved break from being taken advantage of by Liam.
He packed up his bag from the tour bus without speaking to anyone. He was planning on leaving without saying a single word to any of the guys, until Harry caught him in the middle of packing.
"What are you doing…?" Harry asked, his emerald eyes sparkling with confusion.
Louis looked at Harry and suddenly felt something for the first time in months: he felt guilty. He felt guilty for bringing down the group's reputation because of his brooding, he felt guilty for not having the courage to just end things with Liam, and mostly he felt guilty for having to lie to Harry about why he had to leave.
"I've been having some troubles with my throat, they think I might have some polyps do to stress. I guess my vocal cords can't handle the constant use like the rest of yours can." Louis lied as convincingly as he could manage.
"Since when have you had vocal problems? You sounded amazing last night and you haven't been complaining at all…" Harry ranted, not willing to believe Louis's diagnosis.
Louis sighed, hating that he would have to begin to spin a web of lies. "I didn't want to bother you lads, the audience's won't miss me anyway. I haven't been the most charming member of the group as of late. I just don't wan to have to bring down the band's reputation because I can't keep my shit together."
"But… what shit do you have to keep together, Lou? What's wrong? I'm your best friend and you can tell me anything. I would never judge you." Harry promised the older bloke, holding onto Louis's shoulder as he turned away to zip his bag up.
Something about Harry's touch stirred butterflies up in Louis's stomach. He didn't want to leave Harry behind, but he if he didn't go now, he might never have reason to see the curly haired boy again.
"Nothing's wrong besides the throat thing. I'm fine, Hazza, don't worry about me while I'm gone, okay? Take care of the guys. I'll be back before you know it!" Louis greeted, moving away from Harry's grasp.
He didn't wait to hear if Harry had something to say back for he knew it would be even harder to leave at that point.
Louis left and didn't look back. It broke Harry's heart to see his friend in such turmoil. He was going to get to the bottom of Louis's pain but for now he would just have to sit back and respect his friend's request no matter how much he wanted to go after him.
So when we found we could not make sense, Well you said we could still be friends
The next three months made a lot of things clear for Louis Tomlinson.
He did not need Liam Payne to make him feel whole.
What he and Liam had had between them was never love, it had always been lust.
Louis didn't need to blame himself for any of that and he deserved so much better than what Liam had ever took from him.
Over the three months, Louis returned home and visited with his lovely sisters and entire family. It was a refreshing break that made him see everything in a totally new perspective.
The fans had been respectful of his leave and he had received pile upon pile of fan mail that wished him well and said other encouraging and lovely things. It reminded him that while singing was his job and connecting with fans was a part of that, he loved being able to share what he loved to do the most, which was singing.
He had cut himself off completely from the rest of the band. It pained him to have to screen Zayn, Niall and mostly Harry's calls and texts but the part that perturbed him the most was that not once during his leave did Liam attempt to contact him.
The day he returned, he had a genuine smile on his face when he returned to the studio. One Direction was working on their sophomore album and Louis had arrived just in time to record along with the group.
The moment he walked into the studio in London, Niall and Zayn attacked him into a huge hug. He laughed and managed to ignore Liam flirting in the back of the studio with one of the technicians.
Once Zayn and Niall had let him go, it was Harry's turn to welcome Louis home.
"Hey." Harry murmured, his emerald full of relief but also full of questions that Louis wasn't sure he was ready to answer.
"Hey." Louis responded before collecting Harry up into a tight and reassuring embrace.
"I… uh… missed you a lot." Harry whispered intimately into Louis's ear.
Louis was surprised by the shivers that went down his spine when Harry's breath danced along the nape of his neck.
"Me too." Louis agreed, pulling away from Harry and smiling widely.
"Hey Li." Louis greeted casually.
The guy looked up, gave him a slightly dejected look and nodded. Louis rolled his eyes but decided to keep professional until after work.
He pulled out his iPhone and shot Liam a text:
We need to talk.
-Lou
Louis watched as Liam received and read the text. Liam looked up at Harry with acknowledging eyes and Louis was relieved to know was actually okay to have the inevitable conversation.
They played nice throughout recording session and afterward Liam discretely made a 'follow me' gesture to Louis. As much as he didn't want to be obedient to Liam's command any longer, Louis knew it was not only necessary but it was also the last time it would ever happen.
Harry watched intently as Liam and Louis left the studio together and down the hallway, presumably into an empty room. The curly haired singer had noticed building tension between the two and he now wondered if Louis's leave had been caused by whatever had been going on between the two of them. He shook it off for the moment but made sure to make it a point of addressing it to Louis later on.
In the empty studio, Louis sat awkwardly down on a couch and looked up at Liam who was leaning against the wall.
"So…. You left." Liam muttered, looking straight into Louis's eyes.
Liam looked surprisingly hurt.
"Management made that call but I'm glad they did. I needed some time to figure everything out…. Because of well, us." Louis explained, not caring if he made Liam feel uncomfortable or guilty.
He was done with being Liam Payne's plaything. Louis was going to stand his ground and tell the truth about what pain he had been in during their… well, he couldn't even call it a relationship… their fling.
"You didn't tell them about it, did you?" Liam asked, anxiously.
He clearly didn't want the management to think any different of him and Louis had very little patience for Liam's wanting to maintain his perfect reputation with Anthony and his band of controlling goons.
Louis rolled his eyes. "No, Liam. Don't worry, nobody knows that you like to screw around with guys every more than you do with girls. You can still flirt with anything that moves without any speculation, if that's what you're concerned about."
"You know, you really don't need to talk to me like that. What we had was special, Louis…. Until it wasn't anymore. I did actually care about you, do you get that?" Liam protested, anger leaking into his tone.
Louis didn't want to start a fight, but he also wasn't going to let Liam get out of this looking like the good guy. He didn't deserve that.
"So, caring looks like screwing around with me when you felt like it but otherwise completely ignoring me as if I were the plague. It must have made you feel disgusting to know that you actually had emotional feelings for me outside of lust, didn't it, Liam?" Louis accused, his voice escalating to where Liam's was.
"That's such bullshit, Lou, and you know it. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're a bloke. After a while, I realized we weren't meant to be together but I couldn't bring myself to be honest with you about it. I get that that makes me weak and manipulative or whatever, but I didn't want to hurt you." Liam explained, standing up with intention.
Louis actually laughed at this; he couldn't believe that Liam's intention was to never hurt him when in fact, he had instead destroyed Louis.
"You did some much more than hurt, Liam, you completely ruined me. You neglected to see how much pain I was in and by doing so, you led me to believe that I was completely worthless. I even let you continue the physical part of it continue on which made me feel even cheaper. I wish you hadn't let me down easy, it would have made things a lot less… scarring." Louis spat, the memories of Liam using him and ignoring him floating back into his mind.
Liam didn't know how to respond. He had never realized how much damage he had done to Louis but he couldn't let himself feel guilty or it would consume him. So, instead, he had to be straightforward with Louis. They both knew it was over, they just needed someone to put it out in the actual air.
"I think we can look back on what we had as a lesson for we both learned a lot from it. But, we also both know that it was never mean to be and that it'll never be the same between us. We'll have to be professional about it, but I think that's the best we can do at this point." Liam stated, thinking very rationally.
Louis had expected at least an apology, but he would have to settle for the negotiation to be civil around each other.
"Friends?" Liam inquired when Louis sad nothing in response.
"Of course." Louis said maturely.
Liam moved toward the door, relieved by the way the conversation had ended. He was going to be able to move on without looking back at what he had with Louis as a completely fuck up on his part. It didn't work and it was neither of their faults; it just was.
"See you around, Lou." Liam greeted before slipping out the door, leaving Louis behind in the small side room of the studio.
But I'll admit I'm glad it was over
Louis sat there for a long time, unsure of what he was going to do next. It was over, really and truly over. But, surprisingly Louis didn't feel bad about it. To be honest, he was actually very happy with how the interaction had gone.
One chapter of his life was over and it had been such a dark one, now he could move on to something bigger and better than Liam Payne. Yet, he was glad that we were going to continue on being friends.
They weren't exactly lying to anyone by pretending nothing had ever happened between them, they were actually making it a lot easier for everyone around them, especially for the management and the other members of the band.
A knock sounded at the door, startling Louis out of his train of thought.
"Come in." He prompted, perplexed at who it could be.
Harry, with his curly mop of hair, peered around the door. He looked utterly concerned and flustered at the same time.
"Hey, Hazza. What's up?" Louis inquired, gently, unsure of what was troubling his best friend.
Harry took this as an invitation to continue on into the room. He walked in and sat next down to Louis who was sitting on the couch. "Um… I was just looking around for you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You and Liam seemed to be pretty distant today and then you went and then when you left together, it sort of confused me. Are you okay?"
Louis was stunned and also flattered by how much Harry actually paid attention to what was going on for him. He didn't want to worry his friend but he also didn't want to lie to Harry anymore, it just didn't seem right.
"I don't want you to freak out Harry, and you can't tell anyone because Liam would never let me live it down for telling you but I guess it all started about eight months ago… one night after a party, we were really drunk and we just ended up messing around. We passed it off as nothing for a while but it just kept happening. I thought it was love and maybe Liam did for a bit too but a couple months into it, he became distant and it destroyed me. I became depressed and confused; this didn't sit well with management and that's why they sent me away." Louis explained, making sure to keep his voice steady as to not alarm Harry any further.
"Y-you're gay?" Harry inquired, eyes wide.
Louis was stunned by Harry's reaction to his story but then he burst out laughing at the expense of his curly haired friend.
"Is that really all you got out of all that?" Louis asked, between chuckles.
Harry looked down at his toes, blushing in embarrassment because of his selfish question. He should be supportive of what had happened to Louis with Liam instead of enthralled by the fact that Louis was in fact, gay.
"I'm sorry, I guess I was surprised with what you had with Eleanor a couple of years ago…. But anyway, I regret never talking to you about what was happening with Liam a long time ago. I knew something was going on but I figure it must've been drugs or something else illegal. But… I would never have anticipated you being… together." Harry stammered, trying to show his support for what Louis had gone through.
Louis smiled appreciatively at Harry and even went so far as to take Harry's hand in his. "Thank you so much for being understanding, Hazza. It's great to be able to talk to someone without them being judgmental about it. I promise you I'm okay, it's been a long road to recovery but I think Liam and I have cleared the air, so it will be fine."
Harry felt Louis's hand in his and had to concentrate very hard to make sure he didn't visibly shiver at the touch.
"I'm glad you're okay, it was hard to see you so… quiet and such." Harry noted to distract himself from Louis's grasp.
Louis felt completely comfortable around Harry; with the curly haired bloke next to him, Louis felt as if he was going to be able to get through whatever faced him in the future. That's what friends were for.
At least, Louis thought they were only friends yet… they were in a dark room together… alone. He blushed at the thought but when he saw Harry's emerald eyes notice this, he banished the thought from his mind.
The last thing he needed right now was to get into a relationship with another member of the band. Louis was going to have to settle for simply being best friends with Harry, especially because he didn't know how Harry felt about him.
Louis stood suddenly to his feet and asked, "Want to go out for some lunch, Hazza?"
Harry smirked and got to his feet as well. He loved seeing Louis in a flustered state.
"Do you even have to ask?" Harry teased before starting out of the room.
Louis smiled, loving that things were finally getting back to normal. Liam and he had worked things out, he was back with band, his enthusiasm about work had returned and he had Harry as someone to confide in and trust fully.
But things never did work out so perfectly in Louis's world…
But you didn't have to cut me off, Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
After a month of pretending nothing had ever happened between the two of them, Liam just couldn't do it anymore. Every time he looked at Louis, he felt guilty for what he had done to the bloke. He wasn't going to torture himself with regret so, he did what he had to do.
It was a Tuesday morning when Liam didn't show up at the studio along with everybody else. Niall and Zayn were utterly confused by it but Louis and Harry knew exactly what was going on.
Anthony, along with a small group of suit and tie wearing goons came into the studio to make an announcement to the boys. Zayn, Niall, Harry and Louis were sitting in a small semicircle, strewn on different pieces of furniture in the recording studio when the news was broken to them.
"Liam Payne is leaving One Direction. He is going to pursue a solo career but wants all of you to know he doesn't mean any harm by it, he simply couldn't bear to break it you himself. He's been going through a lot lately and the group dynamic isn't doing anything for his stress level, and he hopes you all can grow to understand his decision." Anthony stated, before making his way out of the studio.
The betrayal was too much for Niall and he began to openly sob. Louis's heart broke as he watched his band members crumble around him at the news.
He took out his phone and shot Liam a message:
(3:07 PM) Why did you leave?
-Lou
(3:10 PM) I couldn't do it anymore, Lou. Seeing your face reminded me too much of what happened. I'm not going to put my self through that every day. It was a mistake to ever think we were going to be able to work together.
-Li
(3:11 PM) You're a coward.
-Lou
Liam never did respond after that and it stung Louis to know that Liam left because of him. The devastation on the face's of Niall and Zayn were too much for him to take so Louis quickly fled the room.
Harry saw this and ran after Louis who he soon found in tears in the empty room where Louis had confessed about the situation a month before.
"Oh my god… Lou. Don't cry, please don't cry." Harry begged, unsure if he could keep his composure of for his friend's sake.
"I thought everything was going to be okay! Like, why couldn't we have just moved on? He said we were going to be friends!" Louis cried softly, completely letting his walls down as he fell into Harry's welcoming arms.
"I know, Lou, but it's going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it right now." Harry assured Louis, holding his friend tightly.
"But it's my fault that he broke up the group, imagine what backlash we're going to get because of his leaving, and that's all because of me!" Louis explained through his tears.
"Lou, no, it's not. He wasn't able to handle the guilt of having to see you everyday. That's on him, not on you." Harry stated, running his hand through Louis's soft locks to soothe the broken bloke.
Louis looked up at Harry and saw in his emerald eyes that he meant every word he was saying. It wasn't just to comfort Louis, Harry's words were what he truly believed to be true.
It wasn't all Louis's fault and it was going to be all right.
"But…. What about the band… and the album?" Louis whispered, slowly calming himself down.
Harry was relieved that his reassuring comment had made Louis feel even a bit better. But Louis was right, what were they going to do without Liam? But Harry realized the answer wasn't what they would lose because of Liam's absence, it was what they would gain.
"It'll all be fine and guess what? Without Liam around, we will all be able to sing more and put more of ourselves into it, more than we ever have. You have an experience here, Lou, which you can draw from and maybe even write a song about. We still have the four of us, don't underestimate the power of Louis, Niall Zayn and Harry." Harry said, lightening the mood considerably with his enthusiastic proposition.
Louis actually smiled and felt suddenly hopeful.
Even without Liam, they could still be One Direction.
And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough
The fans had been devastated at first because of Liam's departure from the band, but as soon as the sophomore album was released, they realized that while a lot had changed, One Direction was still as great as they had ever been.
The sound of the new album was a lot more personal which is why the fans loved it so much; there was little bit of each of the remaining blokes in all thirteen tracks on the record. It had been an astounding hit.
Liam's album, 'A Change in Me', had also been a hit. Unfortunately, the air had never cleared between he and the boys after that. He had completely taken them out of his life and while they had all struggled with it at first (especially Louis), they grew to learn that that was going to have to be how it worked from then on.
That was until the night of the Brits Awards, eight months later, One Direction attended an after party for the awards. They had won 'best group album' earlier that evening and were all drinking their faces off in celebration.
Liam had won 'new solo artist' and if you watched back the recording of the awards, both parties had been very civil and supportive of each other's successes.
What the public didn't see was what happened at the after party One Direction and a certain Liam Payne crashed.
Upon Liam's arrival, Harry had ushered Louis into a corner and told him the news.
"Lou, Liam's here, are you going to be okay, or should we just leave now?" Harry inquired, concern for his friend in his eyes.
Stocked up on liquid courage, Louis responded: "Oh, really? He's here? I'm going to go talk to him!"
He stumbled away before Harry could do a thing about the disaster that was about to ensue.
Louis pushed the crowd, searching aimlessly for Liam. He had a few words to say to the bloke and now was the perfect chance to share them (in his mind).
When he located Liam, Louis was absolutely elated. He rushed over to the lad and tapped him on the shoulder.
Liam turned around, and his eyes grew wide when he saw a very drunken Louis Tomlinson staring back at him.
"Liam, we should probably talk." Louis stammered, his words slurring.
Liam looked around desperately for Harry or any other member of the band that could help him escape this awkward situation. Unfortunately there was no one to save him, so he did what he had to do.
He turned away and walked off into the crowd, leaving Louis behind in utter despair. Liam had looked at him with such lack of recognition that it completely tore open the wound that Louis and Harry had worked so hard to repair.
Harry finally caught up to Louis and saw that the damage had already been done as he watched Liam disappear into the crowd.
"Louis… I'm so sorry." Harry whispered and his friend just stared back at him with a glassy look in his eyes.
"I think I want to go home now." Louis stated, his voice monotonous.
Harry threw an arm around his distant friend and began to weave him through the crowd until they found Paul.
"Had a bit too much there, Tommo?" Paul asked looking at the impish boy's sad look.
When Louis didn't respond, Harry took over for him: "He'll be okay, but, can you call us a car, Paul?"
"Oh, Harry, always the caretaker." Paul cooed to which Harry rolled his eyes.
"Don't you want to enjoy the party? I can take this sod off your hand and through him into his bed." Paul suggested, wanting Harry to just be able to enjoy himself for once instead of taking care of everyone else.
Ever since Liam had left the band, Harry had taken over the position of responsible member of the group. He was constantly looking out for Zayn, Niall and Louis and Paul wanted to just give the young bloke one night off from the duty he didn't even need to concern himself with.
"Nah, I'll take it from here. I'm tuckered as well, but thanks for the option." Harry opted.
Paul shrugged in understanding and then texted the car service. Within minutes there was a car waiting for Louis and Harry out front.
Harry helped Louis into the car and said goodbye to Paul.
Most of the car ride home was silent until Louis piped up just as they pulled into the driveway of their apartment building: "Hazza, you're just too good. I wish I had messed around with you instead of Liam, you wouldn't have ever broken my heart and then hung me out to dry. Even if it didn't work out, I know that we would still be friends…"
Harry's breath caught at Louis's statement. He imagined selfishly for a moment how different their situation would be if it had actually happened that way.
It would be amazing, Harry thought.
But before he could think about it any longer, Louis's lips crashed into his. Yet, as soon as they had landed there, they were gone as Louis passed out in Harry's lap, snoring softly.
Harry brought a hand up to his mouth where his lips were still tingling at Louis's touch.
The car driver coughed awkwardly and Harry was stirred out of his moment of reflection. He paid the driver quickly and struggled to bring Louis up the stairs to the foyer. Thank god there was an elevator or Harry evaluated that he might never have been able to make it.
He gently lay Louis down on his bed and tucked him in. Harry watched Louis doze for a while, wishing he could just clean away all of his friend's pain. But, as much as he wanted to, Harry couldn't change the past.
Harry fell asleep after what seemed like forever and woke up feeling like he had been asleep for mere seconds.
When they had breakfast together, Louis didn't mention the kiss or anything else that happened the night before. Harry decided not to bring either thing up.
No you didn't have to stoop so low, Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
A few months later, Louis was driving home from a press conference when he heard Liam's new song on the radio. Now, usually when Louis heard Liam's voice, he would automatically change to a different station but this time his hand hovered over the 'search' button on his dash.
Something about the lyrics irked Louis to the point where he actually had to pull over to the side of the road to listen to them.
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
The lyrics were indefinitely about what had happened between he and Liam. This made Louis somewhere between pissed off and utterly outraged. Even after Harry's suggestion to write about Liam, Louis had never seriously considered doing, mostly out of respect for Liam.
But, Liam didn't seem to have the same respect that Louis had for him.
Without thinking, Louis whipped out his phone and sent Liam a strong worded text:
Heard the new song. Are you fucking kidding me?
- Lou
Louis waited patiently for about ten minutes to receive a response. He punched the horn and in a whirlwind of emotion, he dialed Liam's number and put the phone straight up to his ear.
The dial tone rung out while Louis chewed anxiously on his lips through frustrated tears. He couldn't believe that Liam had exploited him once again.
"I'm sorry but the number you are trying to reach it out of service. I'm sorry but the number you are trying to reach is out of service."
The automated voice played again and again in his ear as Louis's vision was clouded with stars. He screamed at the top of his lungs in utter betrayal. He was about to throw the phone straight out the window when he realized whom he needed to call.
"Hazza?"
"Lou…? Louis? Are you crying?"
"….."
"What happened? Where are you? Louis?"
"….."
"If this is a prank Louis Tomlinson, so help me god…"
"The song, Harry… h-he wrote a song about me and what happened."
"Oh my god, Louis, please tell me where you are, I'm coming to find you. Don't move or do anything, now, where are you?"
"On the side of the highway, I'll text you the coordinates."
"Okay… Lou, just please stay exactly where you are. I'll only be a few."
"Okay…"
"Good."
Louis felt the phone slide from his hand after he numbly texted Harry the directions. He was in autopilot.
Harry arrived soon after, pulling his own car over to the side of the highway as cars whizzed past. He ran over to Louis's car and quickly slipped himself into the passenger seat.
Louis, once again, looked devastated. Harry instinctively slipped his hand into Louis's and for a while, they just sat in silence.
"I just don't understand how someone can just completely cut another person out of their lives. It just doesn't make any sense to me." Louis stated, his voice lacking any real emotion.
"Some people just can't deal with having to relive their mistakes, even if it has been cleared up. Liam just wasn't strong enough to handle guilt of what he did to you, not that I'm saying it's all right, the way he went about dealing with it." Harry explained, turning his head toward Louis.
Harry could see the remnants of tear tracks on Louis's face. Louis looked absolutely exhausted and yet, Harry still found him utterly and breathtakingly beautiful.
"I can't do this anymore, Haz, I feel like it's a never ending circle. It's like I'm climbing a mountain and just as I make it to the top again, Liam is there to step on my foot and watch me fall down to the bottom again…. I don't think I can afford to fall again, because next time it might be the last." Louis shared, tears pricking his eyes because of the ultimatum that he was giving himself.
Harry couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Louis's mouth.
"Don't joke about that, Lou." He muttered, crossing his arms in discomfort.
Louis looked at him and saw that Harry didn't believe him. "I'm not joking, not even a little bit. What's the point anymore? Nobody even cares…"
This completely set Harry off. "Are you kidding me, Louis? Why do you think I'm here right now? Clearly I have to spell it out for you, I care! I'm here and always have been here for you because I care! When you hurt, I hurt, when you are sad, I will do anything to have you smiling again. It doesn't matter what it takes, Louis, I will always be there to make everything all right again. I don't even care if you don't want my help, I'm going to do it anyway. Because I can't imagine having to live a day with seeing you in any sort of emotion besides complete happiness, which is the only thing you deserve. So, don't you dare tell me, no one cares because I care!"
Louis was taken aback by Harry's rant, but even with all the words, Louis still felt useless. "No, I don't deserve your care, Harry, so stop wasting your time with a lost cause like me."
"Shut up, Louis."
"I'm not going to, because it's the truth."
"I told you to shut up."
"No."
Just as Louis was about object again, Harry silenced him with a kiss.
Louis was in absolute shock but he couldn't shake the fact that there was something about the kiss that felt familiar. It felt like home, so he quickly melted into the comfort that it provided.
For Louis, this was an entirely new feeling. It wasn't forced or aggressive like it had always been with Liam, it was quite the opposite, in fact. Harry's kiss was soothing, natural and dare Louis think it, loving. It wasn't lustful or selfish at all, it was just entirely about desperately wanting Louis to feel better and to convince him that Harry did care.
And boy, was the kiss ever convincing.
Louis felt something change inside of him as he deepened the kiss. He was finally in control, he was feeling something clear and direct. He wanted Harry, his best friend with the adorable smile and dazzling emerald eyes. Louis had denied himself of these feelings for so long and yet now, he knew that Harry wanted the same thing.
Harry then realized what he was actually doing. This isn't wanted Louis wanted or needed, at least in Harry's opinion. Harry quickly pulled away and mumbled, "I'm so sorry, Lou."
Louis called after Harry as the curly haired bloke abandoned the car and ran back to the seclusion of his own. Harry sped away and Louis was left slightly confused but feeling on top of the world.
I guess that I don't need that though, now you're just somebody that I used to know
Harry had avoided Louis successfully for a week, but Louis wasn't going to go another day without speaking to the curly haired bloke that he so desperately wanted to share his feelings with.
Louis had left a message on the counter that he would be out all day, so he knew that Harry was going to feel comfortable about spending the day around the flat, for at least some of it.
Louis hid out in his room, which was down the hall from Harry's. Harry had somehow managed to completely avoid Louis by leaving before Louis would wake up and returning after Louis had given up on waiting for Harry.
At around two o'clock, Harry finally emerged from his room, looking cautiously out of the door. Louis watched as Harry read the note on the counter and looked relieved.
That's when Louis pounced, putting his hands down on Harry's shoulder so even if he wanted to, he couldn't escape.
"Ack!" Harry exclaimed, startled by Louis's presence.
Harry whirled around to see Louis and began to stammer an excuse about where he had to be.
"You're still in your pajamas, Harry, you're not going anywhere." Louis stated, smirking at Harry who currently looked like a trapped animal.
"Why are you doing this, Lou?" Harry asked and Louis suddenly felt guilty for finding amusement in confronting Harry the way he did.
Louis sighed. "Because you're avoiding me and I don't understand why."
"I kissed you, Louis! I kissed you because I wanted to, and it was ridiculously selfish and I'm sorry. I've been avoiding you because I was scared that you hated me for what I did. I don't want things to change between us…" Harry confessed, looking down at his feet, his cheeks hot with embarrassment.
Louis's breath hitched as he heard his own feelings being reciprocated by Harry. It was such a relief to hear that Harry felt the same way as he did.
"I don't hate you, Hazza, not even close. Actually, I feel quite the opposite." Louis admitted, a grin breaking across his face.
Harry looked up at Louis in complete surprise. He thought for a moment that Louis was mocking him for a moment but then he saw in the impish lad's eyes that he was telling the truth.
"But… You never… I mean…. How?" Harry stammered, incredulous that Louis's feelings reflected his own.
"I have no idea, and I think that's the beauty of it. I don't when I fell for you, Harry Styles, because you made it so effortless to do so. Somewhere along the line, friendship turned to love, and I don't think there's much difference between the two." Louis responded, interlacing his fingers with Harry's.
Tears pricked Harry's eyes as Louis made his confession. He could barely believe what he was hearing and for a second, Harry thought that he might still actually be asleep.
But he could feel Louis's hand in his and that's all it took to assure Harry that his dream had become a reality.
"You cared when I thought nobody did, when I felt like the rest of the world had given up on me. You never stopped having faith in me, even when I was in the darkest of places. Thank you for that." Louis continued, resting his forehead gently against Harry's.
"Lou, you never have to thank me for any of that. I love you. But, I know something you can do." Harry murmured.
Louis looked into Harry's emerald eyes and said, "Hmmmm..?"
"Kiss me?" Harry inquired, gazing down at Louis through thick eyelashes.
Harry never had to ask again.
Louis pressed their lips together and relished in the visceral reaction that Harry's touch provided him.
It was more than just requirement, it was necessity. They needed each other to be able to endure the world and thankfully they had found each other just in time.
Louis and Harry were inseparable ever since that moment. They never tried to hide it from the media, their fans or the management; they were proud of the fact that they loved each other.
The first time they made love and every time after it, was always about expressing their feelings physically rather than satisfying their hunger, like it had always been with Liam and Louis. Louis never had to fear that Harry didn't want him or that he only wanted him for the sex, because every time he looked in those Emerald eyes, he saw only pure care and love.
One Direction didn't lose any fans by Harry and Louis coming out, in fact, it might even have increased their fan base due to the new target audience they had acquired because of Louis and Harry's relationship being out in the open.
Liam never did make up with Louis or the band, but with Harry's help, Louis realized that just wasn't something he needed anymore. He didn't need to be friends with Liam. He had Niall, Zayn and most importantly, he had Harry.
You said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
Harry found Louis on the ground of their shared walk in closet, two years after they had first gotten together. Louis was holding a shirt and looking slightly distraught. It took Harry a moment to realize whom the shirt belonged to.
Liam.
Even though Louis tried his very best to forget what happened, sometimes there would be a potent memory that would bring the pain and hurt bubbling back to the surface. Harry had worked so hard with Louis to prevent such occurrences but it was sort of inevitable and Harry knew he shouldn't take it personally.
Harry wasn't going to pretend that it wasn't frustrating, but it did make him resent Liam's existence a little bit more every time he was reminded about what his former friend did to his boyfriend. He had permanently damaged him and there was only so much that a simple cure could do. It was all temporary and at any point Louis could break back down but Harry was always waiting in the wings to pick him back up.
It wasn't that Louis was still in love with Liam, that wasn't it at all. It's that Liam wasn't willing to make up with him. Louis pretended that he was all right with how it had ended but there were moments when the world came crashing down around him.
"Oh, Lou…" Harry murmured, crouching down to Louis's level.
Louis was done with feeling like this, and sure, it happened less often than it did before, but it didn't make it any less embarrassing. He knew that Harry understood but he also hated being a burden to the lad.
"I'm so sorry, I just… I didn't mean to. I didn't even realize it was here…" Louis muttered, stumbling over his words as he tried desperately to contain his emotions.
Harry gently removed Liam's shirt from Louis's grasp and threw it out of Louis's view. He then moved closer to Louis and put his arm around his trembling boyfriend. He pressed his lip to the top of Louis's head, wishing that he had never come across the reminder of his past.
"Lou, you just have to remember that he doesn't matter. It's his choice not to want to be around someone as amazing as you because he fucked up so badly with you. I love you so much and it's all going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it right now." Harry assured Louis.
"I don't want to do this anymore, it's not fair to you." Louis exclaimed, looking at the floor because he was consumed with guilt for constantly pulling Harry into his problems.
"Let's not bring 'fair' into this because that doesn't have anything to do with this. We're going to get through this together, no matter how long it takes." Harry responded. "And I think I have an idea about how we can get rid of that bloody shirt."
Louis looked at Harry, intrigued. "Really? How?"
"Just follow me." Harry answered, pulling Louis up with him as he got to his feet.
Harry snatched up the shirt and led Louis down to the backyard of their townhouse. Their French bulldog, Dixon, barked madly at them but Harry just shooed him out of the way.
"What are you doing, Styles?" Louis asked, raising an eyebrow in speculation as his boyfriend grabbed a garbage can and placed it in the middle of the yard.
Harry ripped up a bunch of newspaper, ignoring Louis in his concentration. Harry threw the paper into the bottom of the can and pulled out a match from his pocket. He struck it and once it was lit, he tossed it into the garbage as well.
The smell of fire and smoke filled the air and Louis was pretty sure Harry had gone crazy.
"I'm pretty sure making a fire is illegal in London." Louis chastised playfully. He was still utterly confused with what Harry was doing.
"I don't give a damn. This needs to be done." Harry stated, grabbing Louis by the forearm and dragging him closer to the open flame.
"HARRY! WHAT THE HELL?" Louis protested, squirming in his boyfriend's hold.
"Come on Lou, it's time to let Liam go. You have to do this." Harry stated calmly, passing Louis Liam's shirt.
Louis gave Harry a bizarre look before realizing what Harry wanted him to do. "I don't know if destroying Liam's shirt is going to help it all go away, Hazza."
"I know, but won't it make you feel even a bit better?" Harry challenged confidently, not missing a beat.
Louis shrugged and figured he might as well play along with Harry' suggestion. But as soon as he let go of the shirt and watched it fall into the flame, Louis understood what Harry had wanted him to experience.
The material sizzled and cracked in the fire. He felt freer of the hold that Liam's shadow had over him, even if it was only a little bit. It was still going to be a long journey and he might never get over it, but at least, this was a starting place. He simply had to let go.
Harry saw that Louis finally understood what he had intended by the fire and he was relieved by this. He slowly slipped his hand into Louis's to remind his boyfriend that he would always be there for him, no matter what happened.
Harry's simple touch was all Louis needed to reassure him that he wasn't alone and he never would be again. Even if Liam never acknowledged his existence ever again, he still had Harry.
Losing someone is never easy, but finding someone else because of it, is just the proof that everything happens for a reason.