Hello, South Park! Mayflower here with another South Park onesie! AND THIS ONE HAS MORMONS. KIND OF. TO A POINT? Anyway, to anyone who's unaware, Trey Parker and Matt Stone's 'Book of Mormon' is probably one of the best musicals Broadway has ever seen. Granted, this is coming from someone who hasn't seen the show, but still - just take my word for it, awesome. While listening to the soundtrack the other day, I got randomly inspired to do a little South Park drabble. Hey, it kind of makes sense, right? ...Maybe? To a point?
Ah, whatever, I'm rambling. XD Let's just get on with the show, shall we?
TIME FOR DISCLAIMERS! (Which I now have to introduce myself; Lawyerbot quit after hearing he had to defend South Park AND Book of Mormon.)
South Park, both the show and its inhabitants, (c) Comedy Central
Comedy Central (c) Trey Parker and Matt Stone
"The Book of Mormon", including all characters and songs (namely 'Hasa Diga Eebowai') also (c) Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
All characters and events in this fanfiction, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional.
The following story contains coarse language, and due to its content, should not be read by anybody.
Kyle Broflovski wasn't known for his chipper moods; if anything, he was usually the downer of the group. So Stan and Kenny couldn't help but raise their eyebrows when their Jew approached their beloved bus stop with a skip in his step and a whistle on his lips.
"Someone's in a good mood today," Stan noticed flatly. "What's gotten into you?"
"Who, me?" Kyle answered. "What, I can't wake up in a good mood for once?"
"Not when you're you," Kenny teased.
Kyle opened his mouth to respond, but was quickly knocked to the ground by his 'favorite' portly brunette, who gave him a hearty pat on the back before letting him pick his head out of the dirt.
"'Sup, Jew?" Cartman asked, tossing Kyle's ushanka aside and rustling up the mess of ginger curls underneath.
"Cartman, get your fat ass off before you break him," Stan jumped in.
"Stan, I'm hurt," Cartman pouted. "A guy can' come along 'n give his best friend a hug?"
"You hate Kyle."
"And hugs stop being fun after three-hundred pounds."
"Shut up, Kinny, least I ain't po'!" With a grumble, Cartman climbed to his feet, allowing Kyle to do the same as he retrieved the Jew's hat. "Jeez, that's what I get fer tryin' ta be nice, fuck you guys."
"You alright, Kyle?" Stan asked as the redhead stood and fixed his hair before putting his hat back on.
Once he was set, Kyle flashed Stan the same easy-going smile he wore before Cartman's intrusion. "Yeah, dude, I'm fine - hasa diga eebowai, it's all good."
"Hasa wha?" Stan echoed confusedly
"Don' worry about it, Stan, it's Jew-talk," Cartman interrupted when the bus pulled up, shoving himself between the best friends. "Come on, Kahl, you first."
If Kyle was suspicious of Cartman's plot (because really, who wouldn't be?), he didn't show it. "Thanks, Cartman," he answered instead, whistling once more as he skipped back to his and Stan's usual seat.
xHxDxEx
"I don't know, Kenny, something's up. Cartman's being nice, Kyle's in a good mood...I don't like it."
"Dude, we live in South Park, shit's always going down."
"...Yeah, I guess you've got a point."
"Ow! Come on-oof!-guys! This is-oof-the third time today! Cut-oof!-it out!"
Hearing the all-too-recognizable whines of their Jew, Stan and Kenny peeked around the corner, where a gang of fifth graders were mercilessly beating the redhead against a wall of lockers.
"Yeah, but this is WAY too fun, Broflovski!" one of the bullies laughed, giving Kyle one last kick before they headed off to class. "Don't worry, we'll be keeping this shit up all day!"
"Jesus Christ, Kyle, what did you do to piss those guys off?" Stan jumped, rushing over to give Kyle a hand.
"I don't know! Every time I see those guys, they just start kicking the shit out of me!" Kyle cried.
Kenny came around and pulled the piece of paper off of Kyle's back, handing it to the poor victim: in Cartman's God-awful handwriting, it read "KIK THE FUKING SHIT OUTTA ME, I'M A JOO".
"Oh, come on, are you kidding?" Kyle spat, finally returning to his usual ginger-Jersey temper. "I knew something was up! Dammit, Cartman, you're a dick AND you can't spell worth shit!"
"Leave it to Cartman, of course," Stan sighed frustratedly, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Kyle crumpled up the cheap prank, then took a deep breath and whistled a few bars of that song; it followed him everywhere that day, yet no one could identify it. "Hasa diga eebowai," he said quietly, calmly tossing the paper over his shoulder into a trash-can.
"Dude, seriously, what does that mean?" Stan asked.
"It's Bantu," Kyle calmly replied, that easy-going smile returning.
"The fuck is Bantu?" Kenny asked, raising a hidden eyebrow.
"It's a language; that's what they speak in Uganda."
"How do you even know that?" Stan asked.
Kyle shrugged before regathering his spilt books and heading to class. "I just know things."
xHxDxEx
"Kyle, why are you at the top of the flagpole?"
"Why do you think, seriously?"
"He's got a point, dude."
"Shut up, Kenny."
With a little effort, Stan and Kenny managed to rescue their friend from his predicament, which at the moment, was hanging by his boxers at the top of the playground flagpole. "Seriously, what the fuck is Cartman's problem today?" Stan had to ask. "Did you piss him off or something?"
"Hey, I didn't do anything, dude," Kyle answered calmly. "Cartman's just being Cartman again."
"And that's the other thing!" Stan finally snapped. "You've been way too calm today! Forget Cartman, what's up with YOU?"
The daywalker shrugged. "Hasa diga eebowai."
"Seriously, Kyle, the FUCK does that mean?" Kenny asked.
With a sigh, Kyle dusted off his jacket and fixed his pants before answering, "It's a saying in Uganda. Whenever something bad happens, you throw your hands to the sky," he said while demonstrating, "and scream 'hasa diga eebowai!'"
"Hasa diga eebowai?" Stan clumsily echoed. "And that's supposed to fix things?"
"Hey, it's helping me get through," Kyle shrugged. "Think about it, Stan; the world's full of problems we just can't fix. War, poverty, famine, Cartman...but having a saying to live by makes things SEEM better." Finally explaining Kyle's whistle, the Jew sang out its first few lyrics: "There isn't enough food to eat? Hasa diga eebowai! People starving in the streets? Hasa diga eebowai!"
"What, is that some Lion King bullcrap like Hakuna Matata?" Kenny asked with a snicker.
"Yeah, kind of!" Kyle lied sheepishly. "People are dying, no rain for days; hasa diga eebowai. People across the world have AIDS; hasa diga eebowai. Just throw your hands up to the sky, hasa diga eebowai!"
"So what, you just kind of...take whatever shitty thing's happening and brush it off?" Stan asked.
"Yeah, exactly!" Kyle answered. "It really works, seriously - try it, just look up and list off all of the bad stuff in life."
There was a moment of silence as everyone (quite literally everyone, as Kyle's singing had attracted their classmates to join in on the scene) thought about some worries they'd like to dismiss.
"My parents are redneck, abusive drunks," Kenny started.
"Hasa diga eebowai!"
"My grandpa has Alzheimer's and my dad's a retard?" Stan unsurely followed.
"Hasa diga eebowai!"
"I hate being the only black kid in South Park!" Token joined in.
"Hasa diga eebowai!"
"M-My mom fergot ta cut my sammich inta triangles today!" Butters added.
"Butters, that's really gay," Craig sneered.
"Who cares?" Kyle defended. "Hasa diga eebowai!"
"Politicians are too busy caught up in election season to worry about the crisis developing in the Middle East!" Wendy jumped in.
"Hasa diga eebowai!"
"Marsh's girlfriend is a total nerd," Cartman laughed.
Nobody rang in on that one; Cartman was forced out of the scene as quickly as he entered when Wendy socked him in the nose and sent him crying for Mommy.
"God, Cartman's such a dick," Clyde couldn't help but point out.
By this time, everyone was in on the song: "HASA DIGA EEBOWAI!"
"So when the world is getting you down, and there's no one else to blame," Kyle continued, raising a middle finger to the sky. "Raise your middle finger to the sky and curse His rotten name!"
"Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second, dude," Stan interrupted. "What does 'hasa diga eebowai' mean again?"
"Well..." Kyle hesitated before answering shyly, "'Eebowai' means 'God'...and 'hasa diga' means 'fuck you'..."
"So the whole point of your song is basically to just say, "hey God, fuck you!"?"
"...Yeah, basically." As if trying to avoid Stan's disapproving gaze, Kyle went back to his song. "If you don't like what we say, just give the phrase a few more days; when all your friends and family die, hasa diga eebowai!"
The bell rang, calling for all of the children to return to the school. Most of the children skipped off with Kyle's whistle on their lips, but Stan and Kenny stayed behind.
"Ugh, I hate living here," Stan groaned, pinching his nose. "I really, really do."
Oh, Kyle, you and your hatred of life and the divine. XD Thanks for reading, guys! Remember, next time something bad happens in your life, hasa diga eebowai! :)
§ Tucker's Mayflower, signing off! §