Peeta

now (2016)

She's gone.

Our apartment felt empty as I walked in and before even seeing half of her clothes missing from the closet, before seeing her ring left on top of the bedside table, before reading the letter, I just knew.

Peeta, the letter read,

Fuck, I know I'm supposed to be the writer between the two of us, but I never dreaded anything before this. God, I don't know how to write this.

Okay.

I had to go Peeta, we both knew it. Gale helped me pack and erase myself from your life. It's better this way. Our joint account's already taken care of, I only took what I needed. Don't worry I didn't bleed you dry.

Don't go looking for me, don't make this harder than it needs to be. Goodbye, Peeta.

-K

I didn't even last the first few sentences before needing to put the letter down. How could she do this? If mom could see me, she would call me a wimp, but mom is far from my mind right now.

Was it because I pushed her to have kids? Was it because I couldn't hold a steady job? Was it my fault?

All I can think of is that she's gone. She's with Gale. And it fucking hurts.

Katniss

5 years ago (2011)

Greasy Sae's is and forever will be my favorite place. It's where my best writings have been written. And the cute blond who has been coming in almost every day for the past week isn't a bad addition, too.

He talked to me the other day. He said he noticed me for a while now and he finally got the courage to approach me.

"You're a bit intimidating. Just sulking and staring out of the window all by yourself. I'm Peeta."

I smiled but didn't reply. He sat down in front of me and did all the talking. If he wasn't so cute, I would have told him to shut up and let me write in peace.

I tuned him out so much that I didn't even hear him ask me out. He repeated himself when he saw I hadn't heard him. I told him straight to his face that I'm not a relationship girl. I can't commit to those things, I like it no strings attached.

"It's just coffee, you know."

I knew he wasn't going to stop bugging me if I said no, so I agreed. His smile was enough to convince me that this might not be a bad idea after all.

Peeta

A few months ago (2016)

Today could probably be the best day of my life.

She came. She actually came to Ohio to see me. We're together, joking around and having fun just like before. I tell her about our summer play. How even though this is the second summer into the tour, it still feels so new.

We could make this work, I say, We're doing fine right here, right now. This weekend is exactly what we need.

Her smile drops and I knew. I've known all this time, and yet I allowed myself to hope.

"Peeta ," she starts, but I already knew how it was going to end.

"I have an urgent meet and greet tomorrow, I can't pass it up. I swear they just told me today." She actually looks like she's sad about it. Like this is the first time this had happened.

Okay, okay, Peeta. Keep your cool. I think. We have tonight at least. right? We could have an early birthday dinner after the show. It's fine. I tell her this and she gives me that face again, and I knew.

"I have to go right now if I want to make it to New York in time."

I snap. I shout at her, letting all the suppressed anger out. You promised. You promised to watch my stupid show, to be with me on my birthday, to support me. You promised me your time goddamnit. It's like I'm the only one fighting for our relationship to work. It always has to be about you, huh, Katniss. The wonderful Katniss with her wonderful successful career. I've been with you to all your stupid writer parties, why can't you do the same for me? Fine. Go. Go to New York, be with Gale. Fuck him for all I care. I'm done.

She didn't even fight everything I threw at her. She just stood there and, after everything, left. No surprise.

Katniss

4 years ago (2011)

This day is too damn perfect. It's unreal. I don't even know who to call first; Peeta or Prim. You know what, whatever. There's still tomorrow. Who cares. I finally have everything I've ever wanted in life and more. Just a day short of my birthday, too.

Peeta. I've got to call Peeta and tell him I'll move in with him, find an apartment in New York with him and shit, tell him my book is finally getting published. I've never smiled so much before that it actually hurts. How Prim and Peeta do this for long periods of time is beyond me.

Wait, I shouldn't call Peeta, I'll just go to him.

I still can't comprehend that even before twenty-four, I already have a good job, a good guy, and a good agent. Things are finally starting to look up.

And I know that the crippling fear and dread for what tomorrow might bring will come back, and the "Shit, why did I choose to be a writer. It doesn't pay well." will return. But until then, I can just imagine the smile on Peeta's face when he hears about this. He had wanted me to move in with him since day one, and now that I finally have a stable income, I can finally take the risk.

His mother always said the biggest mistake he had made was not just being an actor, but marrying a fellow artist. Ha.

My feet took me to his apartment without me even realizing it. His door opens and I grab his face with my hands, smashing his lips against mine.

Things are moving too fast and I love it.

Peeta

One year ago (2015)

Sometimes I don't know how anybody could stay still and so quiet for such a long period of time. Just looking forlornly out the window for hours and hours, pen in hand, a scowl in place. It bugs me to no end. I swear in times like this I have to remind myself that I love Katniss.

I love her, I really do but every time she does this it's like no one else exists. She won't eat or sleep or leave that chair. The house could be burning for all I care, and she wouldn't notice.

I know, I know. Perfect imperfections. But god, at least give me a little cough to know she's still alive, still breathing, still here. And what's worse is that when she's in her quiet time, everyone needs to be quiet too. No TV, no practicing lines, no taking a bath. Hell, I can't even flush the toilet without a scowl from Katniss.

But then she smiles, and all the irritation, all my frustration melts away. She smiles and the silence is broken by the strokes of her pen in the paper. She smiles and looks at me and smiles some more. And then I know that everything's back to normal, everything will be fine.

But then the next day she goes off again, completely out of the blue. We were eating dinner and she suddenly goes quiet. I knew it meant dinner conversations are over. The irritation and the frustrations come back full force. Why can't we just have a normal conversation where she's mentally present. Don't ignore me, don't shut me out. Please, Katniss. I just need to know you're here.

And then she smiles and what can I say? I love her. I love this girl. Just one smile and I forget about our problems, all our fights, all my jealousy towards her spending so much time with her agent, Gale. Just one smile and I can forget that we never spend time with each other anymore. I'm just so happy to be with her, to be at her side. I don't care that she totally overshadows me. I don't care that she earns more than me. With just a smile, all my insecurities melt away with those insults mom loves to throw because we're a team; Katniss and me. Everything she does, I do, too.

I'm a part of that. Aren't I?

Katniss

3 years and a few months ago (2012)

It's Christmas in a few hours and Peeta's still not home.

I'm so nervous and excited. A few weeks ago, I got my paycheck and after paying all those bills and Peeta's agent, I bought gifts. An ugly sweater for Haymitch, a beautiful stationery for Prim, and a swiss army knife for my best friend/agent Gale.

I can't seem to think of what to give to Peeta. He's so selfless, I swear. Those material things don't matter. And when I asked him what he wanted, he said he just wanted me. It took me hours and hours of wandering around the mall until I finally found the perfect gift. Now it's almost Christmas and he's not home yet.

The door handle jiggles and Peeta comes stomping in, shaking the snow off. He takes off his coat and plops down on the couch. I smile and he doesn't smile back. Today must be shitty. I help him take his shoes off and hug him tight.

He finally smiles and I tell him I'm going to give his gift already. Peeta's eyes brighten and he nods. I add, But before that a story! just to annoy him. He groans and with his serious Peeta voice says, "Kat, I had the shittiest Christmas eve today serving drunkards at the bar. Please, not now."

I gave him my Peeta please face, and of course, he crumbles. Such a people pleaser my husband is. "Okay, okay," he says, and I go on and on about two teens who, in the future, compete in an arena where only one can survive. And when I've tortured him enough that I could visibly see his eyelids drooping, I finally stopped.

Peeta, I know you aren't the guy who would treasure a Xbox or something, so here's your gift. I hand him the box and try to quell my excitement. I hope I gave him the right gift. What if he doesn't like it? He gives me a confused look and holds out the watch I gave him. I go on rambling about how much he means to me and how I'm not the most ideal or the perfect wife, but this is what I can give and promise to him.

I promise and give him my time. He looks at me, tears in his eyes and hugs me.

"That's all I ask, Kat."

Peeta

Two years ago (2013)

I miss her.

I never knew I could miss someone so much.

Katniss and I finally made up again after we fought (Peeta, that's insane. Why would I take a two month vacation from my job just to be with you in Ohio?) and things just started to go back to normal when I had to leave for Ohio because I finally got a role in a small musical. Fucking Ohio where I have to share a dressing room with a druggie and his pet snake, dance and kiss a lesbian named Brie, and eat hotdogs for a whole two months. But hey, it's a job, an actual acting job. Katniss already pays for everything around the house, even my agent. Mom doesn't let me forget that little fact. It's time to help out with the bills and to prove them wrong.

I miss her though and the only thing keeping me sane is that in a few weeks, Katniss is going to be here and she's going to watch me and everything's going to be fine because I love her and she loves me and what more do we need.

I called her to tell her I saw her book on the bookstore. She should have seen the face of Glimmer when I told her my wife wrote that. She wants me, you know, but she can't ever have me. I'm taken and ensnared by a beautiful writer. If only that beautiful wife of mine would just agree to stay with me here for the summer.

I can't wait for this summer to be over.

Katniss

Three years ago (2012)

Everything was perfect. Peeta and I were walking around the park, talking how my book finally got through the final editing process and is now being printed as we speak, and my agent, Gale, is so great and is already talking about a possible second book. Peeta changes the subject to his callback for an off-broadway musical and how everything in our foreseeable future is secure.

Everything was perfect until Peeta asks me The Question. After the words leave his mouth, his face morphs into horror and dread and I know he thinks that he messed up big time and we're going to fight again. I'm just so happy right now, though. I think, why not? It isn't in my plans but the future is secured for Prim and me, and Peeta finally got a callback in that summer musical and if it goes to plan he has a job for the next few summers. So why can't I be a young reckless adult, and just jump into the excitement for once in my life?

So I say yes, and he smiles and I know things are going to be fine.

Peeta

Three years ago (2012)

God, I can't believe I said that. I see the wheels turning in her head; fight or flight. I pushed her and now she's going to leave me. I'm sorry, my eyes try to convey. Everything was perfect already, and I messed up again.

"Let's get married, Kat. Right now."

God, I'm stupid. Katniss hates surprises. She likes doing things her way, and in her time. It took her a year and the idea of a stable income just to move in with me, and I know out of the blue marriage proposals will make her sick. Wait, she said something. She repeated it and I hear a "Yes.

What? Oh God, Katniss said yes. She said yes.

"Okay, okay let's go to the courthouse?" I nervously ask. I can't mess this up. Katniss is the best thing in my life. Okay, she says. She laughs and drags me to the car. I drive like a maniac and in a few minutes, we're in front of the courthouse. In the next few minutes, we're married. In the next ten minutes we're home, and she's mine and she won't leave me and she's finally mine.

Katniss

Three years ago (2013)

This is nerve racking. My book just came out today, and Peeta and I are at my book's party. Peeta looks so lost while journalists flock around me. I let go of Peeta and try to look for Gale. Gale knows how to handle these things, Gale can usually answer their questions while I nod. I'm not the social butterfly here, Peeta is.

While looking for Gale, a bunch of other up-and-coming authors come up to me, talking passionately about my book; how they loved it and all that. They're nice and all, but they're mostly men and while I have no problem with that, I'm pretty sure Peeta hates it.

Oh no, Peeta's coming my way. And he does not look happy. Okay,okay slowly excuse yourself from the bunch of hot authors and publishers. And too late. He's here and looks pissed as hell. And I'm trying to show him I don't want to be here, too. I'm not encouraging this, Peeta. Please don't give me the disappointed Peeta face. Please don't go.

I go after him, but Gale comes out of nowhere and he whispers, "Where the hell have you been, the press are here. We need an interview with you." He drags me to more reporters and cameras. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Peeta, and I know what this must look like. Gale gripping me close, whispering in my ear. I can't do anything about it now, though. So I smile and answer their questions. And I tell myself we're fine, we're fine. We'll be fine.

A few weeks later.

Peeta's calling my phone now.

Third time in a row. I don't think I can make it to his show. I answer my phone and put on my best smile.

"No, I can. … I will be there, soon, Peeta. I promise. ... I promise. ... Hey, listen to me. I'm almost there. We're going to be fine,okay? ... Ten minutes tops. ... Okay, I'll see you soon."

I hang up, knowing I won't make it in time, but even so, I drive like a maniac all around the streets of Cleveland. I drive until I see the building and looking at my watch, I'm too late. Thirty minutes late to be exact. I park and run like mad, begging the ticket seller to let me in goddammit please I didn't get an unpaid leave, drive eight hours non-stop, and skip a few meals just to be restrained from entering the community theater.

Ticket seller lady looks at me, and I knew what I looked like. Feral, crazy, sobbing mess. No wonder she wouldn't let me in.

"Fine, but pay double."

I grin and run to the door. I can't see any seats left, so I just stand awkwardly at the back. I see Peeta up there and I knew he saw me. But then my phone started vibrating in my pocket. Fuck. I look at the screen, and Gale's calling and I knew it must be important. Gale knew I was going to be here, and he promised he would only call if it was really important.

I look back up to Peeta and although he's still singing his solo, his eyes stared directly at me, looking betrayed.

I plead a silent sorry and go to a corner, answering the call. Gale couldn't hold back the publisher. Instead of next week, they wanted the chapter tonight. I ended the call and go back to my previous position at the back.

After the show, Peeta asked what the call was about.

"It must be so important that you had to answer it during my solo," he said.

I tell him the news, and I explain I can't go out to dinner with him tonight.

"Fine. Whatever," he said.

And we didn't talk at all after that.

Peeta

Four years ago (2012)

This may be it, this is the chance to prove that I can make a life out of my career. To show mom that yes, I can support my wife. Yes, I can live my life happy with my choice of career.

My number is finally called and I walk on the stage. The piano starts and I sing along. Okay, the piano is going faster than I would like it to. Got to adjust. And now it slows done, god does this pianist hate me or something? And the music stops. The panelists tell me they'll call if I get the part. Okay, thank you for your time.

I head out and go home. Tomorrow the cycle continues. I'll be standing in line early in the morning with a bunch of other guys who look buffer and younger and had started their acting careers since the cradle. Who would hire a twenty-something with no real acting experience whatsoever? But whatever, I wait and wait until I'm called. And wait some more for a callback I had never before received. But I've got to stay positive.

You will succeed, Peeta. Katniss believes in you and you can't let her down. Be the man in this relationship, Peeta. You can't let Katniss keep paying the bills and your agent's fee. Work harder, Peeta. Prove them all wrong. You are meant for the stage and don't let anyone get you down.

I get home and practice some more; harder and better. I sing and sing in front of the mirror. I sing until I hear her come home. I sing until she tells me to please, stop Peeta. I had a shitty day at work and I need to write another chapter. And I stop because Katniss needs to work. And her work is more important than mine. And my guilt and resentment grew.

Katniss

Two years ago (2014)

We sit at the opposite sides of the bed, facing away from each other. I look over to him, and I knew I had to play bad cop again. He wasn't going to talk first so I start.

"Peeta, the party for my second book is tonight. I thought you might like to know even though you made it perfectly clear that you're not going. But tell me, Peeta, is this what this is really about?" He shrugs, making no attempts to face me. I stood up and walked around the bed to look him in the face.

"Peeta, please, I need you in there with me. I can't do this without you."

He finally looks at me and his eyes weren't even mad, just empty.

"Gale and lots of other more successful men will be there, Kat. And I can't stand watching you the whole night just entertaining them. You're so- You don't know the effect you have."

"Peeta, why can't you just support me. I'm with you one hundred percent of the way. I don't stop you from reaching your dreams, why can't you just support me with mine." He looks at me with those dead eyes, and I snap.

"Is this what it's about? That I'm finally getting somewhere and you're not?" I knew as soon as it left my mouth that I had touched a sensitive nerve. I quickly apologized, but Peeta already stood and faced away.

"Jee, Kat. You really had to go there."

"Peeta, just wear your suit and do this."

"Okay, Kat."

"Let's just go."

Peeta

Five years ago (2011)

I look over to the passenger seat and see Katniss. Katniss is the best thing that has happened in my life, and I can't wait to introduce her to my family back in the Eastern Shore. Shove it in mom's face that I did something right all this time.

We pass by Delly's house and I point it out to her. "That's the house of my old high school friend, Del," I say, "She got a little accident middle of senior year, got married to baby daddy, Thom, got a 'burb life now. White picket fence and golden retriever and all. Sent her a basket of bread when she gave birth. Got a little guilty 'cause all I can think about was how I can do a helluva lot better than that." Katniss laughed and said, "So did you?"

"Well, during college, I thought I did. Got that business degree mom always wanted for me, met a girl (oh?) , Madge. We were pretty serious. She moved in with me after two months, you know. (Kat rolled her eyes at that one.) I was pretty serious about her, but she wasn't with me. She told me she needed to focus on her career. And that's when I thought, you know what, I should stop wasting my life. So I did what I always wanted to do, moved into an apartment in the city, got an agent, the works. I didn't even tell mom. I knew she was pissed, so I sent her a voice message. But now I can go home knowing I finally did something right."

"What?", Katniss asks. "You," I answer back, "You know what, you don't have to be the blonde like Madge and Delly. Or be the mayor's daughter to be perfect to me. You just need to be you." And you just need to stay with me, that's all I'm asking. Just stay and love me, I think.

"So when we go to my parent's house, I want you to look at how far I've gone. I swear I've passed the point of no return, Kat. I'm not going back to that life where I get dictated by and led around by my mom. I'm free, and this freedom led me to you. And destiny will keep me with you. Just think about our future, Kat. You and I are going places, I promise. You're it for me. So, come on. Take a leap of faith. Move in with me," I say, as I pull over the driveway of my parent's house.

"Peeta we are not going to talk about this right now, okay? Not when I'm about to face your sea witch of a mother."

Katniss

A month ago (2016)

This isn't the first time Gale and I had sex. At first, it was a big mistake. Peeta and I just had a fight, and I just wanted someone to hold me. I regretted it the moment it happened. But then Peeta and I fought some more. And he kept expecting me to be perfect, but I'm not perfect. Peeta, why can't you see that. He pretends that everything is alright when everything is falling apart. He refuses to talk about it, to talk to me. Bottling all the resentment and anger. Marriage counseling, he says. We can make this work, he says. I love you, he says. I'm not sure anymore.

With Gale, there are no expectations. With him, no strings attached. He gives me space when Peeta can't. Peeta's love just turned suffocating one day. It's like he's so perfect. Peeta knew from day one I'm not the type to commit. He knew goddammit. When I told Prim what I did, she slapped me and shouted. She kept saying how Peeta's perfect, and why can't I see it?

Don't get me started on kids. He asked about it after a big fight. After we just fought about me being such a workaholic. (Well, Peeta. Maybe if I wasn't the only one working here. Maybe I could catch a break now and then. )

"We don't have the budget for kids," I say.

"We could make it work," he says, "It would do us some good."

I didn't even reply. I just couldn't take it anymore. I leave the room and walk to the living room.

"What is it with you and money, Katniss. Your parents didn't have much, too. You and Prim turned out okay. All kids need is love, believe me," he shouts, following me.

I stopped walking and turn to him. "Yeah, my parents had love, Peeta. But when they died, they left us with nothing. You can't just live on love, Peeta. Love didn't feed Prim. Love didn't get her into college. Money did. The money you and I don't have." I walk out the door and slam it hard. Before I knew it, I was at Gale's.

Peeta doesn't deserve me. He deserves someone who can love him without the baggage I carry. Peeta's too much for me, his love suffocates me, makes me feel guilty for not loving him like he does. Like I'm making all the mistakes her like I'm the bad guy in this relationship. So I turn to Gale. Gale who I fuck and never make love to. Gale who appreciates me.

Nobody will understand.

I stand for the bed and put on my clothes. Off to Ohio now, dreading the hopeful face I know I'll see on Peeta.

The dirt clings to me as I leave.

Peeta

Five years ago (2011)

I'm still clinging to the lamp post even after Katniss went inside her apartment. I feel fourteen again, so hopeful of the future. This is by far the best first date I've been to. I can still feel the ghost of her lips on mine and my face warms up so much. This is the part where mom would call me such a girl, but mom is so far from my mind right now.

She perfect. Katniss is perfect. I know she's it for me, she's the one. I can finally do something right in life. She said she's not good with commitment and strings and relationships in general, but hey people change. I can make her change.

I'm so full of Katniss, I could burst. I can't wait to see her tomorrow, or the day after that or the day after that or forever. God, she has bewitched me both body and soul. So, as I start the trek back home, I whisper my last goodnight.

Until tomorrow, Katniss.

Katniss

Now (2016)

"Ready to go, Katniss?", Gale asks me.

"Give me a few, gotta say goodbye to this place," I say.

Peeta, I start as I sit on his side of the bed for the last time, You're so good, so good to me, but someone has to let go. And I knew it wouldn't be you, so I guess I had to. I had to, Peeta. We're toxic, we were always fighting and Jesus Peeta, this isn't about another shrink, another couple's counseling. You couldn't accept the fact that we were over even before it ended. We were both hurting and this is our only choice now. You were blinded by the idea of loving me, blinded by the perfect life you envisioned for us. Even with our fights you kept pretending were that perfect couple, and all I could do was love you hard Peeta. Now all I could do is let you go.

I'm sorry. Goodbye. I took off my wedding ring and placed it on top of the bedside table.

Gale touched my shoulder. I stood up and didn't realize I was already crying and shouting. I look at our house, his house now, and touch the doorframe one last time.

Goodbye, Peeta.

Peeta

two years later

I saw her today.

My Katniss.

She didn't see me, but I saw her. She just published her third book and I went to one of her book signings just to see how she's been. Rue, my new roomie, said I was a masochist. Call me what I may.

Katniss looked good. Weathered, but good. I heard she and Gale broke up. She lives with Prim now. Prim called me after she found out we separated. She wanted to apologize for Katniss, but I knew it wasn't her fault or mine. So, hiding behind those shelves at the bookstore, I said goodbye. I finally let go.

And when I walked out of there, not knowing what happens next, I smiled.

We had a good run, Kat. It was good while it lasted.