Title: Mea Culpa
Author: ProblemGirl
Timeline: PreSeries
Characters: Snape, Dumbledore (Some SS/LE)
Summary:"Do you consider yourself a good man, Mr. Snape?"
A/N: This came to me while reading Hugh Laurie's The Gun Seller. I just had to write it down.
Severus Snape had never thought he'd find himself back at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft And Wizardry (he thought he had left those memories behind) let alone inside his former Headmaster's office. Dumbledore was still the man he remembered with half moon spectacles and twinkling blue eyes (even though the twinkle seemed absent at the moment). The old man looked more exhausted than ever with heavy bags under his eyes and old age etched into the grave lines of his face. However his blue eyes betrayed nothing and for the first time that night, Severus felt unsure. He had run into the castle at midnight with blood stained robes requesting to speak with the headmaster and suddenly he couldn't believe he was here. He had expected to be bombarded with questions naturally, but he had not expected Dumbledore to ask him delicately, "Do you consider yourself a good man, Mr. Snape?"
\ \
Severus remembers being seven years old and watching his father slap his mother. He remembers the yelling and the screaming but most of all, he remembers the hate: the way it ran through his veins like poisonous venom. He remembers how he would clench his fists in anger and he remembers feeling a stinging sensation behind his eyes, but he would never allow himself to cry. Not in front of him.
\ \
He remembers getting his letter from Hogwarts, holding it with a trembling hand. He remembers how he shook with relief after he had read the letter for the umpteenth time, realizing he would be leaving this hell hole behind.
\ \
During his first few years at Hogwarts, he learned what it was to be a Slytherin. He learned that being cunning and ambitious wasn't enough and it had been Lucius Malfoy who taught him. He taught him of the Dark Arts and of pureblood pride. He introduced young Severus to the 'right' crowd, "These are your friends now" Lucius had said and for the first time ever, Severus felt like this could be his home. He had also met Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew - the marauders. Severus would watch James strut around the castle with his cronies and watched as he became the talk of the school. Young and talented James Potter: best friends and inseparable from the clever and handsome Sirius Black. He watched as they became the favorites of the teaching staff no matter what they did wrong or how dimwitted they actually were. They were Gryffindors and he was a Slytherin, therefore he would never get the same treatment. For the first time since he left home, he felt the anger well up inside him and the poison run through his veins.
\ \
As Severus got older, his time at Hogwarts became the best and worst times of his life. Still failing to impress the teachers with his unique talent, his anger was becoming more prominent. He had been embarrassed many times at the hands of Sirius Black and James Potter (Remus pretended not to notice and Pettigrew egged them on when there was no audience) and he was delving farther into himself, but barely anyone had taken noticed - except for one person. Her name was Lily Evans. Severus kept to himself and sneered at her as best as he could but Lily was determinedly consistent and kind. Somehow she had wormed her way into his heart and he had fallen in love.
\ \
When he went home that summer Lily offered him a brief retreat at her home - she was the only one who knew he needed to get away from the hitting and the yelling and she was also the only who knew him well enough to realize that he might do something rash. They spent time together talking and laughing but he had never had the guts to tell her that he loved her or that the time he was with her was the best time he'd ever had in his life.
\ \
But when he went back to Hogwarts that year, things had changed. Lucius was pestering him about his friendship with Lily and told him that a filthy little mudblood like her did not deserve to be in the presence of greatness. Severus told him in no fewer words, to sod the fuck off and mind his own business, but Lucius had gotten an odd glimmer in his eyes that Severus didn't like at all. "Watch your mouth, Severus. Or I might have to teach you a lesson you'll never forget." At that moment Lily had entered their line of vision and Severus watched as Lucius' eyes raked over her body dangerously, and then flicked his gaze back towards him with malice. "We don't want you to get any wrong ideas about who you are, Severus. It'll be for your own good." Severus clenched his jaw in fury and it took all of his self control not to shove his wand under Lucius' throat and dare him to say it again, dare him to remember who the fuck he was messing with. But Lily was walking toward him and Lucius had disappeared. At that moment, Severus knew what he had to do.
\ \
As soon as the word "mudblood" left his mouth, he saw her face drop and the pain in her eyes and he was so close to telling her about Lucius and his damn threats but it felt as if his heart was being strangled and then torn into pieces and he could only watch as she turned her back on him forever.
\ \
He remembers the intense fear that had gripped him when he had seen Remus in form, thrashing and raging, hungry for human blood. He barely remembers James' fearful voice telling him to run and a hand pulling violently at his robes. But he is able to vividly recall the conversation he had with the headmaster. He was not to tell anyone about Remus. And Sirius would not be expelled for his "joke". The "prank" didn't kill him and that was what mattered, Dumbledore had said. After all Severus was only a Slytherin. It's not like anyone would care if he was gone. His death would most likely go unnoticed and even if people did wonder, it wouldn't be for long ("Where did that boy go? You know, the quiet one with the greasy hair and the big nose?" "I don't know and I don't care. He gave me the creeps.") and in the grand scheme of things they would probably thank Black for ridding the world of one less piece of Slytherin scum. His anger had become so fierce and the venom so prominent that his blood had begun the run cold and he had started to feel numb towards the world.
\ \
He had heard the whispered rumors of a man who possessed unfathomable ability and who was looking for followers. This man had promised greatness and power, but most of all he had promised revenge.
\ \
Severus remembers the first time the Dark Mark burned black on his skin and the first time he put on his mask and apparated to the Dark Lord's side. He had not known what he was getting himself into. He also remembers another fist that night (not realizing that this would soon become a part of his life, just another big part of what he went through everyday): experiencing the excruciating pain of the Cruciactus Curse and listening to the high cruel laughter of his master along with the sniggers of his fellow Death Eaters. For a second, he remembered curly red hair and bright green eyes he realized he didn't belong here. He didn't belong with these people, these monsters. But it was already too late.
\ \
Depression had consumed him most of the time along with restlessness and anger. All the feelings had somehow been blurred into one and he watched as light and dark faded into the grey of his life.
\ \
"Do you consider yourself a good man Mr. Snape?" was ringing in his ears and for some reason he felt as if Dumbledore had just seen all of the memories that had flashed before his eyes. Severus didn't know how to answer the question. He considered himself a private man, an intelligent man, a man with a wand.
"I don't know what you mean by good."
Severus rose from his chair quietly and headed for the door, pretending not to notice the lone tear that trickled down the old man's cheek and into his beard. He also pretended not to hear the softly whispered, "Mea culpa", but his hand stilled on the doorknob. It was only a second of acknowledgement and probably as close to forgiveness he was going to give, and at that moment, Severus knew he would be back.