Elena's Journal
It's weird, watching them together. I didn't recognize it as jealousy at first, but now I realize that's what it is. I'm jealous of the way they laugh together, and the way that they get each other. I'm jealous that they haven't even slept together but they're still drawn to each other passionately.
I shouldn't be, I know. I let Stefan go, and I'm with Damon. That's the choice that I made, and it's the choice I've stuck to. I'm perfectly content with the way my life is now; Stefan is my friend and I'll always love him, but he'll remain just a friend. Caroline too. Right?
Except I've been getting annoyed with Caroline over the smallest things lately. Her mere presence fills me with rage sometimes. Her laugh grates on my nerves, and I want to leave the room any time she's talking about anything. It bothers me that she's replaced me in Bonnie's life…in Matt's life…in Stefan's life.
That's the worst one. I have to be honest, I always thought Stefan would wait for me. I never imagined he would fall for anyone else, because I know how much he loves me. Loved me. It's different now, isn't it? He doesn't look at me with fire in his eyes anymore. He touches me as a friend would, and when there's trouble, I'm not the first person he cares about protecting. His eyes always find her, in humor, in fear, in love. He loves her. I can tell he does.
And of course she loves him. She always has. She began planning their wedding the day she met him. I know that she stepped back and let me have him, but I never saw that as a sacrifice. Stefan and I were meant to be together, obviously.
But we weren't, were we? We both made choices that changed that forever, and maybe that's what she was waiting for. Maybe she stepped back, letting him get me out of his system, always knowing that it would be her. They were always close…he was who she ran to when she needed help, and she was who he ran to when he was hurt. Maybe Stefan was still blinded by his love for Katherine, and nothing that we had was real.
Or maybe it was and I ruined it. In that case, I have to take full blame for it, it was my fault completely. I was attracted to the darkness in Damon, and everything was so different…and I thought Stefan would always be there. I never thought we were completely done, no matter what I said. In my head and in my heart, Stefan was going to be my forever.
But now he's hers, and I don't even think they know it. They seem to be completely oblivious to it while everyone around us can see what's happening. I caught Bonnie looking at me with sympathy in her eyes tonight while they were laughing and that's when it became real to me. She feels sorry for me because I let the love of my life go…
…and he found his.