S Is For Sheldon Cooper
Another skirmish seemed inevitable, so Raj and Howard covertly placed bets on how long it would take for Penny and Leonard to come into conflict over Sheldon.
"Watch Howard, and Penny and Leonard will fight again," Raj predicted, leaning across the cafeteria table at Cal Tech. "They will continue to insist Sheldon is their personal property."
"Au contraire," Howard sipped his drink, "No fights are needed. Leonard will wimp out again and Penny will have him screaming Uncle like a little girl."
"Hmmm… you are right. Yet what fun it would be if we witnessed the circumstance for the next round!"
"Penny won the amusement park," Howard concluded, standing and gathering the remains of his lunch. "Sheldon stayed out late at Disneyland."
"We will see how many days pass before they are at each other's throats." Raj promised.
As it turned out, less than forty eight hours passed before their prophecies came to fruition.
The next morning Sheldon informed Leonard that his mother would visit the following day.
"As per our Roommate Agreement, this serves as your notice," Sheldon observed, pulling on the seat belt restraint to check its elasticity. Satisfied, he turned expectantly towards his colleague.
Leonard glanced incredulously at his passenger and sighed in exasperation, "Sheldon, I have told you numerous times that your mother is welcome anytime. You do not have to clear it with me first. Parents should not fall into the same category as random visitors to the apartment."
"This, then, proves how quickly rules and laws ignored at whim serve to create a chaotic living arrangement." Sheldon pursed his lips and focused upon the scenery.
"Never mind," Leonard replied, knowing that further discussion would accomplish nothing. "How about we change the topic?"
"Fine by me," Sheldon insisted. "How many times must I explain to you that raging arguments immediately following breakfast tend to cause peptic ulcers in the combatants? I, for one, do not look forward to ill health for the remainder of my existence."
"What?" Leonard blurted. "How have you jumped to the conclusion that this was a disagreement? What transpired was called a conversation, Sheldon."
"Whatever-"
Leonard shook his head in exasperation. "Ok, how about we change the subject?"
"Fine by me," Sheldon responded, and when Leonard failed to speak immediately he prodded, "Go on, then, Man, and deliver upon your suggestion."
His roommate took a few seconds to check his temper before continuing. "I thought that next weekend we could visit the estate of William Wrigley, Tournament House. You know we have lived in Pasadena years now and still have not enjoyed all of the sights."
"Will the tour operator provide gum?"
"I am not sure, but we could buy some if not. Also, we could take an additional trip to what's left of the Parsons home- John Whiteside, I mean. How does that sound?"
"Parsons was a rocket scientist. Why would we view the domicile of a rocket scientist?"
"Get over it, Sheldon. He has a good reputation in scientific circles."
Sheldon sat quietly for a full two minutes before he responded.
"All right, can we eat lunch at Big Boy's? You know that I enjoy obtaining my burgers from Big Boy's."
"Sure," Leonard grinned. "I don't see why not."
Conversation from that point revolved around the upcoming trip, and by the time they arrived at Cal Tech, Leonard congratulated himself upon selecting an activity so Sheldon- enticing.
Raj and Howard hurried into the apartment at supper time carrying take out bags of food.
"We barely made it with our lives," Raj explained, shaking his head in disbelief and pulling off his windbreaker. "A group of Chinese tourists down the street smelled the food and thought we had brought them home cooking!"
"You're here now, however," Leonard observed as he pulled out paper plates and napkins from the kitchen cabinets.
"I hardly think that they would harm you for the food," Sheldon contradicted. "After all, China finds itself the home of so many subcultures and sub populations that it would be doubtful that any of the tourists could identify their local cuisines inside of a paper bag."
Howard scowled in annoyance. "Just eat, how about it? Do you have to spoil every attempt at polite conversation?"
Looking around at his assembled friends, Leonard set down the paper plates and napkins. "Let me just go get Penny. She must not have heard the food delivery."
"Really, Dude?" Raj queried. "She has broken up with you. Do you honestly think that seeing your face now will not quash her appetite?"
"What?" Leonard answered, then stood still as he contemplated the question. "She stills eats, right?"
The door flew open, however, and Penny hurried in and claimed a seat. "Yummy, I could eat a horse, but I guess I'll just settle for some delicious moo shoo pork."
Sitting down gingerly in his favored spot on the sofa Sheldon offered, "If I recall, at the time you moved in across the hall you claimed to be a vegetarian. Remember, Leonard?"
"Your point?" She demanded irritably, snatching the takeout container Howard passed her.
"I just thought it prudent to point out that with your limited income, eating more meatless meals might prove a smart move for you."
Not bothering to give him a verbal answer, Penny scowled instead.
Leonard sat down and grabbed a pair of chopsticks before addressing Penny. "Ignore him and relish the fact that his mother will arrive soon to take her Shelly in hand."
Raj leaned over and whispered to Howard, who looked questioningly at Sheldon. "Raj wants to know if your mother will make cobbler for us."
"How should I know?" Sheldon responded in exasperation. "What motive to visit me my mother possesses this time rests within her own cerebral cortex."
"On a different note," Leonard announced, focusing his attention upon Penny, "I am taking Sheldon to tour the Parsons and Wrigley mansions." He popped a bite of spring roll into his mouth.
She took the bait and bristled, exactly as he had anticipated. "Really? Is that so? I actually came in here to tell Sheldon I planned to take him to the Doo Dah Parade. He and I discussed it at length last week, along with the fact that it parodies the Rose Bowl Parade. So it appears that your excursion must be re-scheduled, Leonard."
He set his fork down with annoyance. "I was just thinking the same about your parade!"
"How do you reschedule a parade?" Howard asked in confusion.
Raj tugged on his sleeve and whispered and Howard turned to regard Sheldon. "Raj wants to know which one you want to honour."
Sheldon set down his drink. "Really, you do propose a conundrum, and with my love of comedic lines, no doubt I will respond later with some witty repartee."
"I doubt that," Leonard contradicted. "There is no question between attending a parade or examining the residence of a scientific legend."
"Thanks, Dr. Superior," Penny remarked sarcastically, "I see that you know so little about Sheldon that you think he has a thing for interior design."
"It's a better move that throwing him into the middle of a crowd, smack within the germs spread amongst thousands of strangers at a public event!"
Penny snatched her plate and glass and rose at the same time that Leonard grabbed his drink and jumped to his feet. The rest of the group watched as they bumped into each other and then hastily separated to cover the awkwardness of the encounter.
"I'm going to my room," Leonard announced. "I'm not hungry any more."
Penny added, "I'm going home."
Raj and Howard watched as they left the living room. Sheldon, on the other hand, continued to eat.
"Sheldon," Raj ventured, "does it bother you in the least that your friends have fought over you?"
Pausing a forkful of food before it touched his lips, Sheldon responded, "Why in the world should their disputes bother me?"
"Because, Sheldon," Howard answered, "the fight is over which one you will choose. Once again, we have had Team Leonard and Team Penny forced upon us."
"Well, that's silly then," Sheldon assured him. "Obviously I will select the one who offers the most enticing package deal. Perhaps since you are not a PhD you can't fathom basic behavioral psychology."
"Sheldon, don't you feel bad that Leonard and Penny are unhappy with each other?"
Raj leaned back in his seat and continued. "After all, the fight is over pleasing you."
"Why should that make me feel bad? If anything, I envision myself on the receiving end of quite a few perks in the next few days."
Howard stood up and threw his hands in the air. "Sheldon, I really wish I could view human relationships in that detached, impersonal manner you have. However, I am part of the human race, and therefore, incapable."
"Can you prove it?" Sheldon responded.
"Ok," Raj responded before Howard, too, could lose his temper. "I have a brilliant plan. Instead of getting upset, why don't we create a table of comparisons and contrasts. You know, we write down what Leonard offers Sheldon, then Penny's proposition, and after that, their counter claims."
"Ooh!" cried Sheldon. "The possibilities appear endless. With a visual representation I can see what my competitors have failed to put forward, and I can subsequently demand more and more! I'll come out of this deal like a bandit, as we say in Texas!"
That sealed the deal, and in the next few days Howard and Raj encouraged both Leonard and Penny to up the ante of what they termed "Sheldoncations". Sheldon himself added more and more mandates, resulting in panicked counter claims from Leonard and Penny.
Thursday evening Sheldon and Leonard entered the building lobby laden with bags of groceries. Penny stood at the boxes checking mail and whirled around when she heard them enter.
She and Leonard quickly began a heated back and forth conversation while Sheldon led them up the stairs to their apartments. On their communal floor, however, the aroma of a freshly baked dessert permeated the air.
Sheldon's face lit with delight. "Oh my! Mom has arrived early. I would know her cooking at the South Pole. I will feast this evening!"
He hurried into the apartment while Leonard and Penny followed just as eagerly.
Greetings had hardly been exchanged before Howard and Raj burst into the room at a dead run.
Raj leaned over and whispered to Leonard, who translated for Mrs. Cooper. "Raj wants you to know ahead of time that it doesn't matter what you have cooked, it is perfectly acceptable to his dietary laws."
Mary walked over and pinched Raj's cheek, "Nothing pleases me more than filling the belly of a hungry third world citizen."
"All Texas food falls under the kosher umbrella," Howard hurriedly added. "Don't waste a second worrying about me."
As it turned out, Mary Cooper had arrived mid afternoon, and once she entered the apartment she began to prepare a home cooked meal.
So the group dined gratefully on Southern specialties, showering Sheldon's mother with compliment after compliment with each forkful.
"Oh my," Sheldon commented when he had taken his last bite. Sitting back against the sofa cushion he patted his stomach. "Thank goodness the weekend looms and I can walk off the calories Mom shared so willingly."
"Well, Shelly, I didn't plan to do any walking this trip, or participate in any of those touristy trips. No, my sole mission is to spend quality time with my own Shelly Bean. I know you cancelled any other plans when you knew your mama would come to Pasadena."
Sheldon looked stricken and Howard quickly shared that in fact, currently Sheldon found himself in a quandary over which of two grand excursions he would choose to enjoy.
That opened up a floodgate of enlightening chatter, and everyone wanted to fill Mary Cooper in on the tug of war for Sheldon.
Raj alternated between Howard, Sheldon, and Leonard with a list of personal observations he wanted conveyed to her.
Finally, Sheldon's mother held up her hand and ordered quiet. Silence immediately descended, and then the younger ones regarded each other sheepishly.
"Let me get this straight. My Shelly is on the receiving end of a boatload of goodies. Is that correct?"
Howard opened his mouth and she snapped her fingers. "No, I did not okay speech. I want you to just nod."
They did.
She turned to Sheldon, who immediately shifted his focus to the floor. "Look at me right this minute, Sheldon Cooper."
Sheldon did.
"What have I told you about the sin of gluttony?"
Sheldon puffed his lip out into a pout.
"I asked you a question." She ran a hand through her hair.
"Not to partake in it," Sheldon mumbled.
"Exactly! Now explain to your little friends why you will not join them on either excursion, not this Saturday or any other day."
"But Mom, they…"
"I don't believe I asked for a comment." She narrowed her eyes. "Not only will you not join them on trips to the parade or to the homes, you will apologize for making them think they needed to invite you."
Sheldon stamped his foot. The others glanced up and regarded him with shock, but then hurriedly cast their eyes down towards the floor, trying to stay out of Mary's focus.
Mrs. Cooper smoothed her skirt and took a breath. "One…"
Sheldon began to sputter protests then, "Mom, stop, no this is not right! I didn't make them give me things at all!"
"Two…."
Raj began to squirm with agitation and whispered urgently to Leonard.
Leonard placed a hand on Sheldon's arm.
"Sheldon, Raj said it doesn't matter what the language is, anytime your mom starts counting it's going to be really bad for you."
"Sheldon, really, winning is not worth it," Howard supplied, horrified at the turn of events.
"Ok, ok, ok! I'm sorry, Penny, and I'm sorry, Leonard, and I am sorry I don't get to go anywhere!" Sheldon's voice cracked with his upset. "There, Mom, I did what you said!"
Mary Cooper regarded him several seconds. "That's fine, Sheldon. I hope this serves as a reminder that God expects us to sow peace instead of discord. Now, why don't we all sit here and make a list of one unselfish act each of us will undertake on Saturday, now that we have gotten rid of those selfish, lustful ideas?"
Everyone scurried to locate writing materials, having decided long before then that it was best not to get on Ms. Cooper's bad side.
Nevertheless, Sheldon still looked unhappy and Mary regarded him firmly. "Wipe that frown off your face right now and sit pleasantly, Sheldon, or I will give you a reason to frown."
Plastering a smile across his face, Sheldon picked up a sheet of paper and pen and began to write.