WARNING!!!!!!! This story contains adult language, sexual themes, violence, and my favorite; slash! Slash is male on male entertainment, if this offends or displeases you, then click the back button now. Otherwise, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

Chapter One: Screw You Guys

Meet Chris Redfield. He's your average young man; after high school, he skipped college to join the Air Force. And for two long years he had the ride of his life. Until. . .

"This PFC Redfield, and I just want you sorry fucks to know that I'm having a blast!"

Lieutenant Greene cocked an eyebrow as he heard excessive gunfire and explosions coming from Chris' communicator.

"No pun intended! Weeee, this is better than sex!"

Green shook his head as he saw the reckless PFC's F-16 Fighting Falcon performing sloppy barrel rolls "That boy is some kind o' trouble."

"WhoohoooOOOO!!! Watch this Lieutenant!" Chris squealed like a twelve-year-old girl who had learned the benefits of giving blowjobs for a buck.

His Lieutenant's eyes bulged into melon-sized orbs when he caught a glimpse of the F-16 flying by…

"No hands!" Chris' knees were propped up onto his seat and with his pants down, he piloted his fighter-craft with his ass.

"RedFIELD!!!" Greene shouted over the intercom, "These aircrafts go up to five hundred miles per hour, be prepared for combat and get back the fuck back in your seat!"

"Kiss my ass, lemon-faced dick suckers!!!" he yelled as he re-took his seat, ready to kick some enemy-touschies.

"Enemy fighters on our 'six!" the Lieutenant alerted.

The rear jets fired up as Chris's aircraft accelerated speed "I've got these bitches!" he pulled back on the steering mechanism; the plane soared straight up and began to turn upside-down.

"That's too dangerous, you're gonna get us all killed!" a random pilot cried over the intercom.

But it was too late, Chris was upside-down in his F-16 and all ready passing the enemy jets. As soon as his back flip was complete, Chris began to taste remnants of the dinner he ate over two hours ago. He tried to choke back, but was unable to stop the regurgitation process. Slimy chunks of Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes covered the entirety of the cockpit and Chris could no longer see where he was going. "Fuck, man!" Chris said aloud to himself as he rapidly attempted to wipe the glass clean with his hands.

"Redfield, pull up, an enemy fighter-" was all Chris heard before his aircraft jerked to the right. All he could hear was the sound of titanium-alloy and glass breaking, and then as he began to spin, warning lights began flashing bright red. The indicators showed he was losing altitude rapidly. He mashed the eject button and the roof of the cockpit flew off, sending him hurtling into the air at one hundred miles per hour. Not even a moment later, his parachute was deployed. Chris caught a brief glimpse of the enemy fighter-craft he assumed he came into contact with, it collided with one of its allies and a flurry of fire and shrapnel flew in every-which direction. Chris' eyes were dazzled by the fireworks as he placed a hand over his heart and started to sing as he continued to drift towards solid ground "Oh say can you SEE, by the dawn's early –ARGHHHH!!!!!" Chris was interrupted when his parachute got stuck in a tree. He struggled to free himself "Damn it, which string am I supposed to pull-" he was interrupted once more when one of his own shot down an enemy, the metallic fireball plunged towards him. Chris screamed at the top of his lungs as he felt the heat emitted under his feet as it crashed underneath him, the tree snapping at the base of the trunk in the collision. His blood-curdling scream continued on as the tree took him down with it. Chris stumbled out of the leafy braches, spitting out foliage as he dropped to his knees out of exhaustion "Whoa -that was SO COOL!"

"Your recklessness has cost us an aircraft! It took fourteen million dollars to build it!" Lieutenant Greene pondered why his superiors questioned his high-blood pressure problems. Obviously, it because of kids like Chris "What on earth were you thinking?? Multiple barrel rolls-"

"Sorry, about that, sir, I was trying to drift." He respectfully saluted his commanding officer. Other than his looks, his best attribute was being able to hold back laughs just as well as the best of 'em,.

Greene pinched at his temples "Do I look amused to you, Redfield?"

"No, sir."

"Well, I will be in a few minutes."

. . .

Chris sat on his bunk, packing up his belongings. Occasionally sighing, wondering what his family would do to him. It was almost impossible to get re-employed after being discharged…Dishonorably discharged, to be precise.

"Hey, Redfield," His bunkmate, Tinkerson, sat next to him "I'm gonna miss you around here, it's gonna be pretty boring."

"Yeah, it's been fun and all." He laughed to himself, walking to a pay phone "I guess I did go out with a bang, right?"

Tinkerson walked with him "Totally, dude, that was amazing! I didn't even know you could do back flips in the F-16! And even after your wing rammed into the cockpit of an enemy fighter and blew up, you still survived! Man, I bet you could live through a house of brain-dead cannibals!"

Chris let out a hearty laugh as he picked up the phone and put a quarter in "Yeah, like that'll ever happen, you ar-tard."

"Hello?" Claire answered.

"Hey, sis, it's me."

"Chris! I missed you, how have you been?" she said swiftly.

"Good. Um, listen I need you to pick me up from the airport tomorrow and I was wondering if I could stay with you for a few days."

She paused for a moment "I'm on vacation right now so I went home for a few weeks…Chris, are you in trouble?"

He hit his head against the payphone; he forgot his sister knew him better than anyone. She always knew when something was up "A little…I kinda got kick out of the Air Force."

Claire paused even longer this time "…Wow… that sucks… So…basically you're screwed, huh?"

"Gee, thanks. And here I thought you were the one that was always supposed to calm me down." He said dryly.

"What else do you want me to say?? –ooohh," she gulped "Mom is gonna PRETTY angry when she finds out that you got kicked out of the Air Force."

"WHAT?!?!" Chris could hear their mother's voice on the other end of the phone, it sounded like she was in the other room "WHAT DO YOU MEAN DISCHARGED?!?!"

"Ummm…" Claire said timidly "Chris…I think I'll talk to you later…"

Chris smacked his face with his hand, sliding down the wall "On second thought, it probably wouldn't be a very good idea for me to come home right now. See ya later, kiddo." He banged his head against wall, trying to think of somewhere to go. Then all of a sudden, a light turned on in his head… He could make a living going from city to city doing side jobs for a while.