The Real Ties of Blood

Whenever he closes his eyes he could see her face. And always, that impassive, serious, idiotic potato of a face superimposed. That damned kid and his self-important talk, as if someone had died and made him the Decider of All Things—the One Who Always Made Things Right—and him just standing there, taking Lyle's decking as if he deserved it. Well, Setsuna F. Seiei did deserve it. Why the fuck did Lyle feel so guilty, then?

I'll do whatever the situation calls for, I'll kill her even if you hate me for it.

She would have come back to me. I would have—

"I think that's enough." He felt someone's hand on his shoulder, firm grip that pulled him almost off-balance, and he turned around to face Teiria Erde's stony expression. "Lockon Stratos, I think it's time you went back to your room."

"No," he said, denial that meant nothing because he could barely think straight at the moment. But Teiria was shaking his head, the set of his features softening somewhat, and Lyle straightened to brush off the other man's hand, unwanted and unfamiliar touch that he hated because it wasn't Anew's and Lyle had to hate himself a bit too because that wasn't Teiria's fault at all.

"Do you need help getting back to your quarters?" said Teiria, with the kind of voice that dared anyone to argue and Lyle shook his head. "Very well. We don't know when they would make the next move, but until they do, I suggest that we get as much rest while we still can."

Lyle opened his mouth, shut it again and shrugged.

"All right, Setsuna?" Teiria turned to the younger man, the expression on his face changing again into something harder to understand. Lyle always thought of Teiria as the most guarded of the Meisters, keeping everything close unless he had a very good reason not to, but Lyle also knew that Teiria was more guarded with him than with the other Meisters. He had chalked it up to the fact that he was new, in the few months when he had first joined Celestial Being. But several battles and more months later and Teiria had not changed much with regards to Lyle at all and he finally figured it had to do more with Neil than anything else. Although what that meant, Lyle wasn't quite sure. And he doubted Teiria was any clearer on the matter either.

On the other hand, Teiria got along surprisingly well with Setsuna, considering how they're both so damned cheap with their words. At first Lyle had expected those two to get into a lot of arguments, what with Teiria's sharp tongue and Setsuna's own pragmatic personality. But that intrinsic difference made them work better together instead of the other way around.

So some kind of understanding must have passed between them although Setsuna had kept silent, keeping his eyes trained on the floors. Teiria relaxed visibly before heading out through the open doors where Alleluia was standing with Soma Peelis.

When Lyle looked back to see Teiria buttoning the door closed behind them, he saw that Setsuna was still standing by the window, moving only so that he was facing the docking station where the Gundam 00 stood silent and waiting for Celestial Being's next move.

*

There's no reason for you to fight her.

Isn't there?

There are stronger reasons for you not to.

Let me be the judge of that, will you? Lyle thought. Out loud, he said, "I'll fight them. On my own terms. Not as a member of the Catalan, or the Celestial Being. That's my decision."

Setsuna nodded. His expression could have meant I understand, do what you will or What the fuck do I care but there was a second of a pause before he broke eye contact with Lyle, looking over his shoulder distractedly.

It had nothing to do with Neil's war, Lyle thought. Not anymore. He was fighting for his own reasons, and for Anew. That other Lockon Stratos was dead.

But before that: Lyle took his gun from its hip holster and raised it to shoulder level. At point blank range, it would be impossible to miss Setsuna. Impossible not to kill him before the sound of the shot alerted anyone, bringing help. And who could blame Lyle for doing what he would, anyway? The war did crazy shit to people. That and love and the all too-human longing for peace. For a life other than what they already have.

All that Setsuna had taken from Lyle in one fraction of a moment; what it took to flick the switch and bring the Gundam 00 to where Anew was. Kill her even as she was going back to Lyle.

Setsuna didn't even turn back as Lyle's finger tightened on the trigger.

Lyle lowered the gun again, sagging against the wall as he watched Setsuna walk away. One word escaped his mouth, the sound of it a curse and a plea in one:

"Brother."

*

"Are you happy, Neil?"

It was a dream, Lyle knew, although he couldn't quite figure out how he knew it. They were sitting on the bannisters of the porch, Lyle whistling desultorily to tempt the breeze their way. Neil, who was leaning against one of the posts, was half-obscured by the leaves of ivy that has conquered most of their house and all that Lyle could see of his twin was sharp curve of a cheek and Neil's hands cradling a large glass of orange juice.

"What makes you think so?" said Neil.

Lyle shrugged, although he knew that Neil wouldn't be able to see him anyway. He reached into his pocket and came out with a pack of Marlboros. The pack was half-empty, Lyle's lighter wedged in the small space left inside the box and he pulled it out to light one cigarette. Except he was suddenly holding a rifle to his brother's head and he realized that he had to aim with his left eye because he could barely see through the reddish film that covered the right one.

"I'm not you," said Lyle.

Neil laughed. There was a hissing sound as finished off his juice, straw sucking in air and Neil moved so that he was shaking the ice cubes in the glass.

"I know."

"I don't really care about the family, you know," said Lyle, wondering if he really meant that or if he only wanted to get a rise out of his brother. Something warm was trickling down his face and he had to fight the urge to put the rifle down to wipe at it. The muscles of his arms tensed and ached for holding the rifle up too long, and then Lyle almost had to drop the thing when Neil turned around to look at him.

"Do what you have to do, Lyle," said Neil. Except that he was holding something else in his hands, and there was just a pinkish slit of flesh where his right eye should have been. There was no blood except on Neil's hands. And that orange ball he was holding that Lyle realized was Haro.

"You never trusted me with your business."

"We look alike," said Neil. He sighed. "But we're not the same. Setsuna should never have let you join Celestial Being as Lockon Stratos. You make up your own stories, and you make them up as you go along."

Lyle dropped the rifle. It landed with a thud but did not go off. He did not even know if it was loaded in the first place.

"Vengeance takes you nowhere," said Neil.

"And where are you now?" said Lyle, with a small smile.

"Point taken," said Neil. "Fight for your own reasons, Lyle. Fight for whatever you think is right. That's none of my goddamn business."

"I could not kill him, you know," said Lyle, because he knew Neil would understand.

"Neither could I," said Neil, laughing. "At least that's one thing we do have in common."

Why? Lyle wanted to ask. But he didn't, because he was afraid that he already knew the answer, and how Neil had changed so much and not at all during the years he was with Celestial Being. The bond that he had formed with Setsuna F. Seiei there that Lyle would never understand nor experience.

Lyle and Neil, the twins.

Why did it feel like Lyle never knew Neil at all?

"Because I had to change," said Neil. And Lyle looked up to see that it was Setsuna standing there before him and not Neil after all. Or maybe they were one and the same. "There's no more time left for Lockon. So it was me who had to change."

That was when Lyle remembered that Neil was dead, and that was why he knew it was only a dream.

*

For the third time in his life (if one can count time spent in dreams) Lyle found himself lowering his gun reluctantly even though his whole body was screaming at him to squeeze the trigger and he was trembling by the time the barrel of his gun cleared the invisible target on the back of Ali Al Saaches's head.

Vengeance takes you nowhere.

And where are you now?

I had to change.

Lyle was ready when Ali Al Saaches turned back around, aiming the gun again and squeezing the trigger.

"I'm not like you," he said. Not a coward who kills innocent people, or undefended ones who had their backs turned at unfortunate moments. As one of the Jacques of the Catalan, and then as Lockon Stratos for Celestial Being, Lyle knew that the line between himself and those who had killed his family a decade and more ago was really no more than a matter of opinion. A matter of where one stood. But there were differences.

There were differences.

The was was just begun, but Lyle felt a change in him. That chapter was done and the page turns.

You make up your own stories, and you make them up as you go along.