AN: This is written somewhat differently than my other work, I think. The reason for that will be revealed in an 'interesting' twist at the end. There will be more to this story, if anyone likes it. If it seems like something I should continue, I will update chapter 2.

Warning: I was in a bad mood when I wrote this. Heavy subjects. No fluff. Lots of self hating by Demyx.

Disclaimer: I don't own KH

Keeper of Fatestones: Thank you for everything (our talk). I appreciate it.

Bryan, I'd advice you not to read this, at least not unless I decide to write the second chapter. Same goes for you, mommy.

Details

I saw him looking at the new kid. He was always staring at the new kid. I should've known then, but I thought we were happy. I thought I meant something to him, but he never needed me like I needed him.

He's everything I'm not: brilliant, gorgeous, outgoing, talented, confident, how could I not fall in love with him? After a few years of dating my thoughts of 'why would he want me' disappeared. I began thinking, 'he loves me, I don't know why, but something about me must be worth loving'.

Oh, how naive I was. Nothing about me is worth loving. I'm overly obsessed with music, I'm shy, my hair looks like an accident, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm nothing anyone would want. And Axel, he made me think that was untrue. Now I've been shown that I was horribly mistaken in giving into that hope. It's just that I loved Axel so much, I trusted him with every fiber of my being. I was such an idiot, why would a gorgeous, tall, red haired god want me. I remember the first day I saw him perfectly.

It was freshman year, and I was scurrying through the halls desperately searching for my classroom. I was a small thing at the time, barely 5'6", and a twerpy little twig. I ended up running straight into him. He didn't budge but I was knocked to the floor by the force of impact. His piercing green eyes met mine, but he didn't see me. His eye merely glanced while mine captured. I was captivated by the redhead from that day on.

I spent my day scoping him out, praying for a chance to gaze upon his glory again. Why didn't he see me? Well of course it's because he didn't want to. I am nobody, I am nothing and there is no reason for him to look at me.

I was never too confident in myself but the first time I saw Axel…I really began to notice exactly how disgusting I was. I used to dislike that I was shy, and my homework was very often poorly done because I was listening or playing music again. But when I saw Axel, that's when I started hating my appearance. I could never be that beautiful.

Still, over a period of two years I grew five more inches, not nearly as tall as Axel but I was taller. And with my weight training I began to fill out, so much so that I am now wider that Axel. People tell me its muscle, but I stopped eating regularly anyway. I kept my hair the same mullet style I'd had for years, my eyes remained blue, and my face kept its ugly appearance.

Nothing I ever did would make me as gorgeous as Axel. I just didn't have enough to work with, and at that point I gave up on making myself worthy of Axel. He was breathtakingly gorgeous, I was not. He was perfect, and I was anything but. On the first day of my junior year of high school, I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Axel in my advanced English class. It was a senior class; I shouldn't have been so shocked. He was sitting with his friend Zexion near the middle of the classroom and the first thing I noticed was that he'd gotten his face tattooed over the summer. I had thought he could look no sexier but those two little triangles just screamed danger and I wanted him so bad.

I sat down near the back of the class so I would have a good view of the stunning red head. But my teacher had other plans. She decided that it would be easier for her if we had a seating chart. And her seating chart placed me right next to Axel. I slowly made my way over to the desk that would place me within touching distance of my crush. Tentatively sitting down, I glanced at Axel, who wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to me, and I quickly pulled out my notes and a pen. Then I let out an embarrassing 'eep' when a hand, a beautiful long fingered hand, was placed in front of me.

"Name's Axel. A-X-E-L, got it memorized?"

"U-um…" My terrified blue eyes met Axel's confident green eyes. He was seeing me for the first time. I suddenly wanted to hide. Why did I eat that morning, I was probably looking like an overstuffed turkey bursting at the seams. I hadn't spent enough time on my hair, I forgot to use mouthwash, my eyes aren't as pretty as his, Axel's face is spotless other than the tattoos, and I have a few light freckles. I shouldn't be allowed to show myself in front of him.

"It's okay; you have all year to memorize it. Just keep working on it." Axel said as he dropped his hand, which I had neglected to shake. "What's your name?"

"I'm, um, my name is Demyx."

Axel used a finger to tap the side of his temple, "I'll commit it to memory, Demyx." His luscious lips formed a smirk. I don't deserve to be in his presence. He is so…perfect. "Have I seen you before?"

"Um, n-no, I don't think so." I stumble over the right words. I could actually tell him every detail of the day I first saw him. I could tell him the details to the point that he would consider me a stalker. But what was the point, he hadn't really seen me that day. There was no reason for me to tell him that I remembered that day like it was yesterday.

"Oh, I could've sworn I'd seen you before. Maybe the hallways, huh?" Axel commented just as the teacher walked up to his desk. He slowly raised his head to meet her furious gaze with a sheepish smile across his face.

"Do I need to move you to the front of the classroom, Axel." She threatened.

"No ma'am." Axel was silent for the rest of class, which I would eventually learn was quite a feat for him, and I pulled my hoodie over my head to hide the fact that I had put my earphones in and turned on my mp3. It was a problem I had. I just couldn't fathom listening to out teacher drone on about what we would be doing this year, and all the things we're not allowed to do. That was just so boring. But music, now there's something that's interesting. That is something I can understand.

When class was over I immediately ran out the door and to my locker. After putting my books into the much too small space I walked to my favorite place in the school, the band room. My teacher had given me a key freshman year so I could go in and practice during lunch even if he wasn't there. And that's what I did, everyday. The instruments changed, sometimes they were mine, sometimes they were the school's, but I always played music at lunch.

There was something in music that calmed me. It didn't matter if I was playing it or listening to it, I could just loose myself in it. I wasn't ugly in music; in fact, I didn't even exist in music. It was just a beautiful being that existed solely on its own, empowering anything and everything, and casting no judgments. I knew I wasn't' much to look at, but the music I played, well let me just put it this way; I would love to look like the music I create. Axel looks like the music I make; I look like what you leave in a toilet.

Even Axel's friends look like my music. All of them are as gorgeous as him, especially Zexion. I would never be as beautiful as them. And that's why I escaped into my music. I didn't exists as a physical being in music. I'm happy when I don't exist. I'm happy when I'm listening and playing music. Any other time, I'm just going through the motions of life, wearing a mask to keep myself out of the counselor's office.

The rest of my day dragged on without any more surprises. I went, I listened to music, I didn't hear a thing the teachers said, and I went home, listened to music, attempted doing homework, ended up writing a song about Axel, played the song, and went to bed. That was basically my life, wake up, music, pretend to eat breakfast, music, go to school, music, go to class, listen to the teacher, get bored and listen to music, and so on. Music was my life saver in a world where I was drowning in the depths of the darkest oceans. Music was everything; I wish it was still enough.

The week went by following the pattern of my life. Axel was rarely quiet in class and I often found myself turning my music off just so I could listen to the beauty that was his voice. Every word that rolled out of his mouth held a musical note to it. I felt that it was the most beautiful music I had ever heard. My voice wasn't as beautiful as his, and my voice was actually one of the few things I like about myself. But Axel's voice was something else; it was magical. After about two months of the same routine over and over, something happened. I was writing a poem in English, which happened to be about Axel's voice, when a mesmerizing and sultry voice, one I recognized immediately, whispered near my ear, "Sit with us at lunch." I turned in my seat to look at Zexion, he really is every bit as gorgeous as Axel.

He was casually leaning on my desk with his arms crossed. All I could see of his face was the curtain of blue hair covering it. I would've much rather seen the left side of his face, the side he didn't hide, but that will have to wait for band practice. He played piano and cello, I played…well I play just about everything. And for the concert we were preparing for, I was first cello and Zexion was second, which means I sit on his left and therefore have an amazing view of his face.

"I have to go to the band room, Zexion." I responded and he turned his head so his single visible eye was staring me down.

"You don't have to, you chose to be antisocial and spend your lunch period in the band room. Axel and I, however, would like you to join us. You can miss one lunchtime band practice can't you?" Zexion asked with a slight hint of a smile. I'd never even seen the tiniest bit of a smile from him and was quite shocked. Even now after several years of knowing him, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who's ever seen him smile.

"I-I guess so." I agreed. If Axel wanted me to go, of course I'd go. But why would he want me? Why would anyone want me for company? I'm not smart, I don't like sports or politics, religion is a topic I only vaguely understand, I'm not an artist or comedian, all I know is music, and that adds to me equaling an incredibly boring person. So they can't possibly want me there to talk to. I'm ugly so I won't be there to look at. What else is left? Teasing I suppose, but I'd assume with how apparently miserable I am that they'd have mercy on me. But if Axel wished it, it was well worth the risk. "Axel wants me to come?"

"Yes, he does." Zexion responded, all traces of that brief hint of a smile gone. In fact, he almost looked sad. Had I said something? Zexion never showed emotion, and yet, in the time that he'd talked to me today, I could swear I saw both happiness and sadness in his face. How could I, provoke something like that, he must've been thinking about something or someone else. "So, will you be joining us?"

"Yeah, I'll join you and Axel." I smiled as I said Axel's name, hoping Zexion hadn't noticed.

"Because of Axel." Zexion stated with disappointment in his voice as he pushed himself off of my desk. Why was he being so…expressive around me? "Follow us to lunch. We'll show you where we sit." Zexion finished as he returned to his emotionless self and walked away, back to where he and Axel had been writing their poems.

I packed up early at the end of class and when the bell rang I immediately went to meet Zexion and Axel, but Axel was already gone. I gave Zexion a questioning look as we walked out of the classroom. "He's coming, don't worry. He just needs to talk to Marly." All emotion was again, absent from his voice; he was back to normal. We remained silent for the rest of the walk to the cafeteria and when we arrived, Zexion silently gestured to their table before walking into the lunch line.

Since I generally only ate one meal a day, in an attempt to get rid of the layers of fat that had developed during weight training, I skipped the lunch line and just sat down at the round table that could fit six to eight people. While I was waiting Axel arrived and sat down right next to me. "Demyx, right?" he asked.

"Yeah." I said, a bit confused. I thought Zexion had said Axel wanted me to sit with them.

"Nice to see you out of the classroom. Don't eat?" Axel asked as he leaned back in his chair and pointed at the empty space in front of me.

"I don't like school food; I eat when I get home." I said truthfully.

"That's understandable. I mooch off of Zexion. Right Zexy baby?" Axel smirked as Zexion sat down across from us.

"Keep using that name and the next time you try to grab a fry I'll stab you with my fork." Zexion stated matter-of-factly.

"Ooooo, with all that anger in your voice I better be careful." Axel commented and I looked at him like he was insane. There hadn't been an ounce of anger or any other emotion for that matter in Zexion's voice or on his face. Catching the strange look on my face Axel laughed, "It was a joke, Demy. Zexion's always so…blah." Axels said using several manic hand motions, I idly wondered if it would be possible for him to talk if someone held his hands still, "So it's kind of fun to joke about it. I'm not completely insane. I can tell that Zexion is as emotionless as a fork."

"How do you know a fork doesn't have emotions?" I asked, and once again, I saw a brief smile flash across Zexion's face. Axel was too busy staring at me with his mouth hanging open to notice it.

"Um, inanimate object Dem." He explained after recovering his composure.

"What I meant was, just because you can't see its emotion, doesn't mean it doesn't have any." Once again Axel was staring at me, mouth agape, but when I caught Zexion's eye, I knew I saw a smile in his face. When he realized I saw it he quickly stood and left the table to throw his garbage out.

"Okay Dem, I like that. The fact that forks have emotions in your world makes you that much more special. It makes you unique. I really like that." Axel said. "I really like you." Now it was my turn to stare at him slack jawed. Axel was still staring at me with intense eyes and I was staring unbelievingly at him when Zexion came back. "Zexion, babe, can you give Demy and me some alone time?"

A brief flicker of surprise and possibly hurt crossed Zexion's face before he nodded. "Can I have the keys to the band room De-, please?" Other than the small catch at the end his voice held no emotion. "I'll give them back at practice." He continued as he held his hand out, which I noticed was shaking slightly. I stared curiously at his hand for a moment before reaching into my coat and grabbing the keys. As soon as I handed them to him he was gone.

"Is he okay?" I asked Axel.

"I'm sure he's fine. For someone as emotionless as him, he can be quite moody."

"Then he isn't really emotionless, is he?" He wears a mask like me.

"Whatever, he gets over it. So what are you interested in?"

"Um…" What about Zexion? Why did he care what I liked? I'm just and ugly little nobody. "I like music."

"That's it, you have no other interests?"

You I thought, but simply nodded and said "Pretty much."

"Okay, well that works. What kind of music do you like?" Axel inquired further.

"Everything."

"Really?" I nodded, "Well, I have two tickets to a Slipknot concert. Would you want to go with me?"

My jaw dropped. He wanted me to go with him. "Uh, what about Zexion? Wouldn't you rather go with him?"

"It's not really his thing, he prefers bands with 'classical influence', whatever. And no, I wouldn't prefer him. I'm asking you out Dem. So will you go with me?"

"Yes." It was the happiest moment of my life only made better when Axel hugged me, hugged as in both arms wrapped around me and faces touching. The gorgeous red head had asked me out. My dream was coming true. It didn't feel like I was being pulled under an endless sea anymore, I felt like I could swim.

I was excited, more than usual, to get to band practice after that amazing lunch. I needed to be able to let it all out, to express my emotions. And I do that best when I have an instrument in my hands. I quickly went into the storage room, grabbed my cello, and hurried into the band room, where Zexion was already set up and practicing. I sat down next to him and started setting up. "You look happy, what happened?" Zexion asked as he handed me the keys and continued playing a soft melody.

"Axel asked me out!" I covered my ears as Zexion's melody was abruptly cut off by a not so beautiful screech of a note gone terribly wrong.

"What?" He said calmly, looking straight ahead and taking his bow off of the strings.

"We're going to go see Slipknot!" I exclaimed as our teacher, Cid Highwind walked in.

"Mr. Highwind, I don't feel good, can I go to the nurse?"

"What's wrong, Zexion?" Mr. Highwind asked.

"Uh-umm…lunch?" Zexion lied. His mask was gone, I could tell. I don't know why, but that mask that kept everyone from seeing the real him was slipping. I'll hand it to him, he knows how to get out of Cid Highwind's class with just one word.

"Damn those lunch ladies! I've been tellin' the boss man for years that they're putting poison in that shit they feed us. Go Zexion, and hurry, your stomach may need to be pumped." And with Cid's consent Zexion was gone, and free to reapply his mask. "Demyx, put his cello away for him, will ya." Cid demanded.

"Alright, Cid." I replied before grabbing Zexion's cello.

After that day I never saw a slip in Zexion's mask again. But I do believe that I can see past it. Having my own mask, I'm quite the expert on them and I believe I know Zexion for who he is and not the perfect person he pretends to be. And it's a shame he hides that person. He really is an amazing man.

The concert was awesome. It's something I will never forget and ever since that night Axel and I were officially boyfriends. He was always perfect. He held doors open for me, he never kept us a secret, he told me he loved me every moment of the day, he came to every band concert, he made me feel like I was someone worth loving, and that maybe just maybe I wasn't as repulsive as I thought. We stayed together in my senior year of high school, his freshman year of college. When I went to college I was able to share a room with him. That wasn't always fun though. After being with me for over two and a half years, Axel wanted sex. I told him I didn't feel ready, but he persisted.

How could I deny him? I was lucky to be with him and he was definitely the best I could ever have. Without him, I'd be nothing, so I gave in. It wasn't bad, I did like it, but I still think I wasn't ready, it didn't feel like I felt it should feel. I thought it was supposed to be special, and wonderful, but it was more like it was just something to do. After that night I felt like I always had to say 'yes'. Place, time, how I felt, it didn't matter. Axel was such a perfect person, and he did so much for me, I had to give him what he wanted, because he gave me everything I wanted.

Axel made me feel like the happiest person in the world. He didn't care that I was obsessed with music; he said it was alright as long as he was still my number one. He didn't care that I was fat and ugly, he told me, "Not everyone can be as gorgeous as me.", and he didn't care that I was boring; he said he was interesting enough for the both of us. I loved him so much. I loved you so much Axel.

I still love you Axel, with everything that I am, I love you. I'd give an arm for you, I'd die for you. I'm crying right now Axel, I am crying and you are sitting next to me. You don't even notice. My hand is shaking, my heart is breaking, and the tears are falling, but the only person you can see is Roxas. There was a time when you would take my head in your hands, kiss each tear away and tell me, "Don't cry Demy, it hurts me when you cry." Where is that Axel, I need him?

I'm drowning in that never ending sea again, my life saver can't hold me up anymore, and you aren't here to grab my hand. Why Axel, why would you give me so much hope, why did you make me feel beautiful and like I'm someone worth loving, when you just rip it out from beneath me now.

I know Roxas is better than me, I know that. It's not exactly difficult to be better than me, but why did you have to make me like me? Why did you teach me that it was okay to not hide behind a mask? Why did you love me? It would hurt less if you had never loved me. Axel…

Axel, I love you more than life itself, and I know I've lost you. When Roxas is in the room, you don't see me, you don't love me, and I have no reason to live anymore. I was living for you Axel, not me. And now I'm dying for you. I'm tired; I can't keep myself above the water anymore. I just…can't. I'm giving up Axel, and I just had to let you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me before I go. I love you Axel, and I've always needed you. And I realize that you've never needed me. I see the way you look at Roxas and the way he looks at you.

You two belong together. Please be happy, please show him the amazing man you are, and love him more than you ever loved me. He deserves it. It's time for me to let go, it's time for me to accept my place at the bottom of the endless ocean that has been trying to consume me my entire life. Good bye Axel, I'll always love you, more than life itself.

With all my love,

Demyx

***

Axel watched as Zexion read the note over and over again. His eyes moved with every hand scrawled line. His face filled with emotion that Axel had never before seen in him. When Zexion finally looked up from the pages in his hands his deep blue eyes were filled with tears. One even gently caressed his cheek leaving a shiny trail in its wake as it fell down his face. "So?" Axel asked, and then coward when Zexion's gaze became a hateful sneer.

"You had him. You had the most astonishing man in the world and you fucked it up. Did you cry Axel? Did you even shed a tear for him?"

"I'm sad Zexion, I am. But do you think I should do what he said. It's his last wish and all. Should I go for Roxas?" Axel asked. Without warning Zexion's fist made contact with his face and sent him stumbling to the floor.

"I wanted him all those years, you fucking asshole. I wanted him. I wanted to make beautiful music with him for the rest of our lives. I wanted to show him how beautiful he is. I wanted him to know that he is the most interesting and wonderful person to ever be born. I wanted to be the one who made him smile and kissed him in the moonlight. I wanted to show him that I love him more than anything. But I didn't because I saw how happy you made him. I held back because you said you loved him. But if you really loved him you'd be falling apart right now. You'd be feeling like you couldn't go on a moment longer. You'd be feeling like me, you wouldn't be thinking about Roxas. I love him Axel, and I never got to tell him." Zexion fell to his knees and held his face in his hands as he started crying.

Axel had never seen Zexion cry, he'd never seen him breakdown like this. On his hands and knees he crawled to Zexion and wrapped his arms around his best friend. "I didn't know Zexion. I didn't know how you felt. When it comes to reading people I'm pretty clueless. But I did love him Zexion, I still do. I'm sorry Zexion, I really am. You needed him, and I think you would've been better for him. I'm so sorry I didn't know sooner." Axel held his friend tight, letting his own unshed tears fall.

"I just want him to know how much I love every detail of him." Zexion cried into Axel's shoulder.

AN: Just to clarify, the entire first part of this story was a suicide note. Probably one of the longest suicide notes ever written, but that is what it was. There are so many more possibilities for this story that I would love to write.

Look at that ending; it's pretty open isn't it. It doesn't feel completely finished.

I have already started writing chapter 2. If anyone likes this chapter, I will possibly update the next one (which isn't quite as depressing as this one). And obviously the writing for any additional chapters will be more like my own seeing as i won't be writing a suicide note as Demyx anymore.

Thanks for all Reviews, favs, and alerts