August 4, 1977

Sometimes I wonder exactly what I've done to deserve a sister like Petunia. Are past lives real? Did I do something horrifically bad? Was I a dictator or something? I just get SO tired of dealing with her. Maybe I should have told her I couldn't use magic outside of school. Maybe then she wouldn't always act so afraid of me. I mean, really. Is it me? I'm a GOOD GIRL. I'm even nice to Slytherins, even when they don't deserve it. It's not like I would actually DO anything. She is my sister.

The stupid cow.

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August 7, 1977
I've spoken with Anne and Jane about possibly getting together in Diagon Alley as soon as the Hogwarts letter show up, but getting there is always a problem. I hate using the Knight Bus and I can't Apparate yet. I can't even drive. (Though I do want to learn. Dad says we'll talk about it at Christmas.)

I can't believe I'm starting my seventh year already. It seems like just yesterday I was staring in awe at the Hogwarts Express, and this will be my last year to do so. Maybe I should make some horribly hokey vow to make this the BEST YEAR EVER. Or is that too horrible and hokey even for a private diary? Yes, I thought so.

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August 8, 1977

I'VE BEEN MADE HEAD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jane said she will come and bring me to Diagon Alley herself if need be, because we need to celebrate. Apparently this allows me a very rich, very chocolate, very fattening form of ice cream.

Mum and Dad seem so proud. Of course, they might be smiling because of the day I practically danced around the house all day. I honestly didn't think they would pick me over Maggie West. (Luckily I don't think she'll be awful about it.) Petunia looked positively venomous. That, too, might be because of the dancing.

HEAD GIRL. Can you believe it?! I can't believe it.

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August 12, 1977

I'm not sure if I should laugh, cry, or tear out all my hairs one by one. Better yet, his hair.

Jane's father brought us to London, and we met Anne at Diagon Alley. We had a lovely day getting our things and window shopping, and I think I instantly gained an entire chin from all the ice cream. I don't get to have days out with the girls at all, so it was nice. Then we ran into THEM in front of the broomsticks display. Of course. Black made a big show out of telling me that Potter's been made Head Boy. I didn't believe him. The weird thing was that Potter has apparently chosen a different method of trying to be cool. It's like he's trying to ignore me to get my attention now. I swear, it scares me how focused he is. I'm not interested. Imagine all the productive things he could do with his time if he would just move on.

Anyway, Black's telling me all about this letter, and Jane and Anne made to walk away, and then Potter says it's true and we'll be seeing a lot of each other this year. I don't remember what I said in response but I'm sure it was brilliant. He didn't do his "I'm a little boy trying to sound like a man" routine, either. I don't know what he's playing at, but I'm not having it.

I don't even want to think about it. A year working with James Potter. Maybe it was one of their stupid pranks. Maybe I'll owl McGonagall and ask if it's true.

...later...

I asked McGonagall. It's true.

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August 13, 1977

Petunia brought her boyfriend for dinner tonight. I hate him. He puts me in mind of walrus, and I don't quite know why. What's really strange is that it seems Petunia's actually found someone right for her. This scares me. I hope they get married and move far from here, and have a lot of horribly bratty children that keep them so busy they can't find time to visit.

I don't think Dad liked him, either. He kept muttering to himself under his breath. Then again, I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for us in his eyes.

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August 14, 1977

The sister was singing this morning. I didn't ask. She spent the whole day monopolizing Mum and then getting irritated with me for being in the room. I overheard her telling Mum that she thinks it would do her good to marry this Vernon chap and how exactly she could convince him of this. Ugh. What century are we in? I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts.

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August 21, 1979

Nine days till I get to go. Anne offered to let me stay at her place until we left for school, but Mum and Dad said no, seeing as how it's my last summer here. That would be fine it I was actually spending time with them. Besides, who says it's my last summer here? Am I being kicked out? I don't even know what I want to do after school yet. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of things I can do, but I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I don't want to change saying anything like "This will do for now" because that's how people get stuck in jobs they hate. I know it's something I'll have to put a lot of thought into. I just hate feeling like I'm being rushed out. Petunia's going to be here until she finds someone stupid/desperate enough to marry her. Of course, maybe Mum and Dad figure I'm not hopeless like Petunia is.

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August 23, 1977

Eight days eight days eight days

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August 25, 1977

Note to Petunia:

Go on your silly little date NOW before I kill you. No, really. I don't need magic to do it. A frying pan to the head would do the trick. I'm pretty sure Mum and Dad would be my character witnesses in the ensuing trial. And please keep from making disparaging comments about my lack of a boyfriend. I don't need one, thank you. And I will not let that comment about my face get to me. Especially when it comes from you.

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August 28, 1977

Jane called me (she finally mastered the telephone!) and we spent most of the morning talking. I love talking to Jane. She has much better insults than I do, because she'll sit down and mull it over rather than actually say it to the person's face. Whereas I say it without thinking and I can always come up with something better later. She came up with something about Petunia and what you get when you cross a horse with a walrus. I wish I could remember it. She also had comforting words about the Potter situation. It's true, I don't have to deal with him any more than is absolutely necessary. There's no rule saying I have to acknowledge him as a member of the human race. Besides, he'll probably find some way to get kicked out of the position by November or so. See why I love Jane? It leads to happy thoughts.

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August 30, 1977

I went out to dinner with Mum and Dad for my last night at home. Dad asked if I had plans for after Hogwarts yet. I said no, and he smiled and said I would figure it out when I was ready. I love my dad.

It seems like I've packed six times today. It's not like I even have a lot of things. It's just that they expand and multiply over the summer holiday so I have no room in my trunk. I should probably be remedying this right now but I really don't want to.

No Petunia for a whole nine months!!!

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September 1, 1977

My first entry from Hogwarts seventh year!

James Potter was surprisingly tolerable. It may have had something to do with the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing. I really don't know why he's Head Boy. He wasn't even a prefect. Knowing him, he probably has dirt on Dumbledore. He stayed out of the way as I told the prefects what to do. I did catch him staring at me, though. I asked him to stop and he said "But you were talking." So I made a slight fool out of myself in front of the prefects. Still, he looked awfully smug when he said it so I feel justified.

I am so glad to be back here. I love my family (yes, even the harpy) but I feel more comfortable here. It's home. I don't even mind sharing my room, even though Diana snores and Anne occasionally has entire conversations in her sleep. I just like it here.

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September 6, 1977

I kept History of Magic on my schedule because I can afford to fail the NEWT. This way I can use the class as a study hall and get all my other work done, which will never happen if I have an excuse to lounge around on the grounds.

It's not working. That droning is hypnotizing me to sleep. I want Peeves to show up and wreak some havoc just to liven things up. Then I could also act authoritative and maybe go get another teacher. I'm sure that would wake me up.

You'll never believe what just happened. I've been passing notes back and forth with James Potter. He told me to wake up and I threatened him with legal documents preventing him from coming anywhere near me. It ended with him having Black set off some Zonko's fireworks in class (because James, as Head Boy, would never do such a thing, though he'll have his friends so it) to keep me from falling asleep. It worked. And Black looked almost proud when he got his detention. I just don't understand them.

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September 7, 1977

I hate NEWT year already. The first day of class every single teacher told us how important these tests are and how they affect our future. I don't know where I want to be ten years from now! How am I supposed to plan for my future when I don't know how to plan? I'm not even seventeen yet, for heaven's sake. And on top of that, the homework is already piling up. It's mad. Has every teacher in the school forgotten that we have classes besides theirs? Black was taking bets today on who would be the first to snap under the pressure. I had to put a stop to it, but my money would have been on Pettigrew.

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September 10, 1977

I just had Potter offer to help me with my Transfiguration homework. He must have heard me telling Jane about how that subject's killing me so far this year. As soon as she was gone he came over, which is weird. Usually it's an embarrassing public scene. He talks to me, says something stupid, I insult him and walk away the winner. I said no to him because I think it's habit. I wish he'd stop being nice to me. It's one thing when he's trying to be cool. I'm used to that. I always thought it was a joke, like he just did all that to irritate me. What if he actually is serious? I can't handle that thought right now.

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September 11, 1977

I just did something stupid and I have no idea why. I asked Potter for help. That should tell you how desperate I am. I really do like Transfiguration, but it's like at this certain point I lost the ability to do it correctly and that just frustrates me and makes the whole problem even worse. I hate feeling like I'm struggling and, git or not, he's one of the best wizards in our year. So I asked for help when he didn't have all his little friends around.

And he really does know what he's doing and I figured out what I was doing wrong. But I'm not telling him that.

I wish I hadn't had that thought that he might actually fancy me. I ended up taking everything he said and did as a sign that yes, he does. Sometimes I hate hate hate my brain.

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September 16, 1977

Someone let the mice for the third year students in McGonagall's class loose in the Great Hall at breakfast. James looked all innocent and said he'd own up to it if he did it, but he's more creative than that.

I passed my Trans. test.

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September 17, 1977

We've lost Anne. It seems that sometime in the last week she started going out with Paul Davies, and now Jane and I barely see her. At least I still have Jane, but I don't want to miss Anne when she sleeps in the bed right next to me. It'll ease up, I know, and I'm overreacting. But she doesn't sit with us, she doesn't walk with us, and we're all supposed to be THAT close. I just don't understand how someone can just ditch their friends when they start going out with someone, especially since I don't know how anyone can be with the love of their life at seventeen. Who helps you through the breakup when you've run off all your friends?

I'm going to stop being a bitch now.

Classes are still being difficult. Courage and bravery are good and all, but I'm beginning to wish I had the intelligence. I'm not stupid, but I walk out of class feeling that way.

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September 19, 1977

I had to ask James for help again. I wish he would stop smiling at me like that.

I want to know when my life became all about classes. It feels like I'm not having any fun because I'm SO worried about what I'm doing. Everything has been very NEWT-centric and I feel like I can't fail anything. I don't like the pressure. When Ravenclaws are starting to snap and it's only September... I don't think I'm walking out of this year sane. I hate feeling daft because I know that I'm not. I give up.

I got a letter from my mum today. I can't believe it took this long. Petunia is driving her crazy, though she'd never actually tell me that. I can see it in the way she writes. I feel bad for her and Dad, but at the same time I'm glad I'm here, lamenting my lack of brain cells.

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September 20, 1977

Poor Jane. She got caught in the middle of a fight between two third years and is now sporting what looks like the beginning of antlers. I am so glad that thing has never happened to me, and if everyone knows what's good for them, it never will.

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September 22, 1977

I'm too stupid to be in school. Transfiguration is proving that to me. I'm going to drop out and become a waitress in the Muggle world. Professor McGonagall actually pulled me aside after class to ask what was wrong. I explained that I'm trying, but it's just not sinking in. She asked if I needed extra help. God, I hate that I have to go to James bloody Potter for this.

...later...

Oh my God, what did I just do????

I went to James and asked if he would help me with the homework. Don't ask me why I did this in front of his friends. So after dinner we went to the library to work on the homework, and it went well. When he tells me how to do it, I get it. So when he said something like, "I'm going to ask you to the first Hogsmeade weekend. Would you go?" I said yes without thinking about what he was asking me. I was shocked into it. SHOCKED, I tell you! It's one of those things where you say it and then you immediately want to take it back. I almost did, except he was smiling. And I found it cute.

POTTER IS NOT CUTE. Nothing about him is cute. He's a git. An arrogant, bullying prat. I'm ignoring the part of me that says he's actually been all right this year. So far. And I said yes to a date with him. I really am stupid. It's not for a month, so I'm sure I could cancel, but I think I would feel bad if I did. If he really does like me, I don't want to be mean. I can't believe I just wrote that.

And THEN, when I told Jane, do you know what she said? "I knew it." And here I thought she was my friend.

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September 23, 1977

I've caught him smiling at me in almost every class today. I also caught Black rolling his eyes several times.

I have to be an absolute idiot.

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September 28, 1977

We finally got some time with Anne, and I kind of wish I hadn't. We got around to talking about how James asked me out and she said it was probably just one of his pranks.

Now I'm paranoid. Now I'm wondering if she's right. What if I've really annoyed him and Black so badly that they're going to find some way to get back at me? I know it's stupid. But they have done some really elaborate, really cruel things before. What if that's all it is? Maybe James isn't sincere at all. Maybe he doesn't really like me that way. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be completely humiliated. Thanks, Anne.

I thought Jane was going to hit her when she said that.

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September 29, 1977

I managed not to snap at Potter, though I did a very nice job of pretending to ignore him. Then I did the smart thing and cornered Remus in the hall at the break. Maybe I shouldn't trust him, but I do. He's a nice bloke, and I think I know him well enough to know he wouldn't deliberately do anything to hurt me. He said that it isn't a prank, that James has been sickening them all for years over me, and it's gotten worse over the last week since I said yes. He also said that James has decided it's time to grow up and is really trying, and would I please just give him a chance. So James is under the impression that this is a DATE date. Oh my God, is he expecting me to kiss him??

!!!

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September 30, 1977

I think my roommates are sick of hearing about the James situation. Diana has taken to sleeping with a pillow over her head, though I'm worried she might suffocate during the night. Or maybe they just don't want to hear about it at bedtime. Jane told me not to feel obligated to kiss anyone ever and then threw a pillow at me.

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October 5, 1977

I don't know what the hell is happening to me. I don't like James Potter. I don't. I'm only now beginning to accept him as a human being, let alone a useful member of society. So when I caught him watching what I was doing in Transfiguration and I blushed? Is it possible to drown your hormones, or get rid of them somehow? It's just I don't know. He's different. I think I saw it at the end of last year, too. I have no idea what happened or what's happening, but because of it I don't hate him anymore. Maybe I didn't hate him. He could make me laugh. People I hate don't do that.

He's still a bit mean, though, especially to Severus. It seems like he's trying, though. Did I just make excuses for him? Maybe he's got me under a spell. Maybe I'm under the Imperius Curse. I almost think I like that explanation better.

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October 6, 1977

I need a James free day.

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October 8, 1977

I got a James free day! He was at Quidditch practice literally all day. (His fault, he is the captain.) I didn't have to deal with him at all.

And yet I wrote about him in my diary anyway. Bollocks.

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October 12, 1977

I'm willing to fail Trans. It's either that or tutoring by James all the time. Not that I would mind it, but that's why I'm willing to fail the class. I'll just get worse and worse grades until the insanity passes. I can pick a career that doesn't require a Trans. NEWT.

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October 15, 1977

I find it extremely worrying that even though almost all my classes are with Anne, I don't see her hardly at all. She's always hanging over The Boyfriend and leaving Jane and me alone. She's gone when I get up, she sits with him at meals, and she's still out long after I go to bed. I'm tired of being ignored, and I'm tired of being expected to drop everything when she's finally able to do something. It's not fair. And I'd love to tell her that if I could see her for more than two seconds.

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October 17, 1977

After finding out Jane feels the same way about the Anne situation, I took action. I ended up passing her a note during History of Magic asking if I was going to get to see her anytime before graduation. It's escalated into the loss of several pieces of paper that I should have been using to take notes and a lot of big, emphatic handwriting. Anne is now not speaking to me (as if she technically was before) and The Boyfriend keeps giving me dirty looks. Which he has no right to do. I didn't even mention what I thought of him, and he shouldn't have been reading my notes to ANNE anyway.

I hate people. I've decided.