As The Darkness Clears
Tag to 10.23
It's dark and big brother is claustrophobic…
"Dean?" Sam spoke softly because the darkness seemed to demand it. He reached out for his brother. "Where are you? I can't see a thing." Dean's hand caught his and held on for a few seconds. When he let go Sam felt sadness well up deep inside him, like he'd lost Dean again. This thing, this darkness was pretty terrifying but at least they were together. Alive and together and Dean was mark of Cain free.
"What the hell do you think this is?"Dean said. It's not really doing anything. I mean we're not moving or anything. Shit, do you think it's going to be dark like this all the time?" He was scaring himself a little, realizing that in finding his way out he'd once again started something. And claustrophobia was kicking in. He loved nothing more than sitting in his baby but not being able to see anything was playing with his mind. He was suddenly imagining all kinds of creatures that could be surrounding the car and he and Sam were pretty much defenseless and then the panic hit. He heard himself start gasping for air. Sam heard it too. Dean's claustrophobia was kicking in. No brother, not here, not now, please.
"Hey, hey Dean. Don't man. We cannot open the windows until we see what happens and you are not getting out of this car." He turned in the general direction of his brother and could make out the outline of Dean. He was leaning forward, head on the steering wheel. Not good. He's going to have a full on panic attack.It was the reason Dean couldn't take planes, hated worse than anything to be in crawl spaces, attics or closets. He had major claustrophobia. Sam had seen this before. He scooted over closer across the bench seat and placed his hand on the back of Dean's neck.
"It's …all…my…fault", Dean gasped out. "Freaking darkness…all…my…fault." Sam squeezed harder, trying to soothe Dean with the physical connection.
"Breath slow Dean.I think we can call it a tie or responsibility this time brother. I…made a deal with Rowena to get rid of the mark. And Dean, I know …I mean Charlie..I'm sorry." Dean trembled a little beneath Sam's hand. His brother's breathing hitched up even more. Sam mentally kicked himself for bringing up Charlie.
"I ….know..you …are…Sammy. I'm sorry….for what I said….I never …ever… want you…dead." The fact that he'd just tried to talk his brother into accepting death at his own hands wasn't helping. Guilt and recrimination were agitating his condition evenmore. He felt trapped, terrified. He had to get out. He couldn't see a damn thing and everything was too close. "Sam…."He knew he was hyperventilating and he had no idea how to get control.
But Sam did. He grabbed his brother around the chest and pulled him away from the confines of the steering wheel, scooting all the way to the passenger side door allowing Dean to lean against him, arm still tight around Dean. He knew the little bit of extra space would help. Dean's fear of small enclosed spaces was helped by not feeling he couldn't escape. He felt big brother relax into him and the fast breathing slowed a little. Sam rested his chin on the top of Dean's head. "I gotcha Dean. It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay." Dean concentrated on the fact that he was okay and Sam did have him. For the first time in a long time he felt like Dean Winchester. Regular guy, no demonic anything. Big Brother to Sam, son of John and didn't say anything. He just felt Sam's chin resting on his head, his brother holding on to him, could picture the look of trust in Sam's eyes as he'd looked up at Dean saying, "You'll never hear me say anything except that you were good", remembered that same sincere voice saying, "I wanted you back" and recalled the same desperate feeling he'd had at Cold Oak and after the trials. It still scared him how much he was willing to sacrifice for Sam. He'd intended to do as Death had said. But that sweet, trusting look in Sammy's eyes…and he knew it was true what Cain had said. Even if he'd saved the world from him, he could never get over losing Sam in the process.
"Sammy?", Dean said when his frantic breathing had slowed to a more normal rate.
"Yeah?", his brother replied. He'd almost been lulled to sleep, exhausted from the last few days and the quiet of the darkness combined with his non mark of Cain inflicted brother alive and close.
"I need to tell you I'm sorry. About…asking you to…" He couldn't go on. Tears stung in his eyes. He'd actually….
"Dean. That was the mark talking, I know. I knew if there was a way, you'd save me. But I'd of done it too save you." He tightened his grip on Dean, hugged him closer, trying somehow to let Dean know he still believed in him, loved him so much he couldn't tell him in words. Dean reached up and gripped Sam's arms with his hands.
"You're my brother Sam. I couldn't let you die. Especially not for me, not because of me." They were silent again and Dean wished he had the words to tell Sam the agony of carrying the burden of Cain's prophecy, afraid of hurting his baby brother, the fear he'd had when he was actually right up against it. It was typical Winchester silence. But this time both of them were sure of one thing. They were stronger together.
The dark cloud of the darkness moved to the right,and Sam and Dean sat up, looking at one another. Then as if it were daybreak, the dark cover rolled away. Neither one of them moved. "Dean? Do you think it's over?" Sam asked.
"No Sammy. I think it's just beginning", replied Dean. The brothers stared into the now clear horizon. Dean slid over to the driver's seat. He cranked the car and gently eased Baby forward out of the puddle she'd been stuck in. As he pulled away, headed to the safety of the bunker he turned to Sam. "We got work to do."