Cole's Song
This story is dedicated to Cole Jones Jr., Far too soon was your laughter silenced. Rest easy young warrior, your battle is done and the victory is yours.
"Come on nub," Sam shouted, standing in the doorway of the apartment Freddie shared with his mom, "the freaking movie is going to start in fifteen minutes and its way across town, so shag your ass Benson!"
"Chill out Sam," Freddie yelled back. Now that they were a couple Freddie had more of a backbone when it came to her and felt no fear in standing his ground, "I've got to unload the dishwasher for mom and then we can go. If we miss the seven o'clock show we'll just catch the eight o'clock one and go grab something to eat first instead of later, so chill out."
'Damn the boys mind is a steel trap,' she thought, 'and I love getting trapped by it.'
Sam walked through the apartment looking at the pictures on the walls, all of them of crazy and Freddie, and she smiled at the "evolution of Freddie" wall that showed him from kindergarten thru junior year. 'Cro-Magnon nub to erectus Freddie,' she giggled at the joke she had made and the fact that erectus Freddie had worked his way into her brain, 'God I can't believe I've fallen in love with the nub and that I fell so hard. Twelve year old me would kick my ass for this.'
As she neared the latest picture she heard quiet sobs coming from crazy's room, and in spite of herself she leaned her head in to see what was going on.
Marissa Benson was sitting on the side of her bed with her back to the door. Sam could tell that she was looking at some kind of book, what kind she couldn't tell, and from the way her shoulders were moving, she could tell that she was crying.
Marissa turned and before Sam could duck her head out, patted the space beside her on the bed, "Please come in and sit Samantha," she said with red rimmed eyes as she wiped her eyes and nose with a tissue that she had in her left hand, "I promise I don't bite, at least not with Freddiebear in the house."
Sam caught a faint sad smile on Marissa's face and an almost pleading in her eyes for Sam to join her, it intrigued her and she slowly walked and sat beside her boyfriend's mother.
As she sat she noticed that the book Marissa was looking at was a baby book. The baby was very small and had a thousand watt smile and flashing… flashing GREEN eyes. Sam looked at Marissa with a puzzled expression on her face and saw a few tears slide down the older woman's face.
"This is Cole, Freddie's older brother when he was six months old," Marissa's voice was cracked but full of pride at the same time, "and today is his birthday," she ran her hand over the photos in the book and seemed to become lost in them.
"I… I thought Freddie was an only child?" Sam couldn't hide her amazement at the revelation.
Marissa shook her head and became lost in the pictures again, "As far as he knows, he is," she turned to Sam, tears forming in her eyes again, "Cole passed away when I was one month along with Freddie."
Sam tried not to let it happen, but her mouth fell open, "Oh my God craz… err Mrs. Benson I had no idea."
"Call me Marissa my dear," she patted Sam's knee, "I have a feeling we are going to be tied together for life because we both love the same Man. Yes, I called Freddie a man and if you tell him that, I'm a nurse and can make it look like you died of natural causes," she grinned at Sam, but still left Sam unsure of whether she meant it or not.
"Would you let me tell you a story honey?" there was a pleading in her eyes that Sam couldn't ignore and she shook her head yes.
"I met Cole Green my first year at college and fell madly in love with him and I believe he did the same with me, " Marissa's eyes seemed to cloud over as she talked and she seemed to drift off into her memories.
"We married right out of college, sure we could take on the world and win," she smiled, "He had a job offer here in Seattle and we made our way from Texas to here and set up house in this very apartment. Cole was a computer genius, like someone else I know," she nodded her head toward the door and the sounds of Freddie empting the dishwasher, "Anyway, we were very much in love and happy and about a year and a half after we moved in I found out I was pregnant, and the happiness turned to bliss. Cole became a member of the board of directors for the computer firm he worked at and life was fantastic."
Sam noticed that the smile on her face began to fade away as she began the next part of the story. Sam scooted closer to Marissa, totally captivated by the tale.
"Cole Douglas Green Jr. was born two months premature," Marissa's voice seemed to catch as she spoke the name, "he weighed a little less than two pounds and his little lungs were not completely formed yet. I never even got to hold him after the birth, they just rushed him into a incubator and told me not to worry. Can you imagine some prissy little girl telling ME not to worry about MY baby? I slapped the poor girl into next week," Marissa gave Sam a devious smile and wink that made Sam grin herself at the thought of anyone coming between Marissa Benson and her child.
"Well if I hadn't of been a nurse at the hospital they would have had me arrested, but I'm a damn good nurse and they did and still do need me, so they let it slide and kept the little girl out of my way. Remind me to tell you more about her later, so they took my boy and shoved him into an incubator and rushed him to the neonatal intensive care unit and started to work on him. As soon as I could get out of bed I fought my way into the unit and set my rocker up next to the incubator and dared someone to try to move me out of the unit. "
Sam had to smile at the statement because she had seen firsthand what Marissa, (she couldn't get use to calling her anything but crazy), was like when it came her child and someone getting in her way.
"Cole Sr. didn't handle it very well at all," there was a look of something between pain and anger on her face as she spoke of her husband, "he spent very little time with him, he never held him, he said it was to "creepy" to hold his son through the gloves on the sides of the incubator. To this day I can't understand for the life of me how a man couldn't or wouldn't hold his own son or even sit with him."
"I would only leave Cole Jr.'s side when I had to take a shower; I even ate in the room with him. I prayed and stroked his little body through the gloves, feeling every breath that he took and the beating of his heart. The breathing was so hard for him and it made his little heart race, but he held on and fought back. The thing that I wanted him to do so desperately was to cry. I wanted to hear him, but he was quiet. It's the worst feeling in the world, to be so close to a loved one and not be able to hear them or touch their flesh, even more so when it's your child. The pain and heartbreak are more profound than you could ever possibly imagine."
"In time Cole Jr. began to improve, at four months he even opened his eyes and those dazzling green eyes just jumped out at me. He looked around, wide eyed and for the first time in his life got to see the world he was in, and then he looked at me and kicked his tiny, tiny feet and smiled. I melted and broke into happy tears and gushed over him. If you had seen me you really would have thought I was crazy. We played a game, he would kick his little foot out and I'd catch it, he would smile shake his little hands up and down and when I let go it started over again."
Sam could see that Marissa wasn't just telling her the story, she reliving it. She was unconsciously playing the game again with the air. Sam for the first time began to understand Marissa and the reason she was like she was.
"He celebrated his six month of life in that ward," Marissa was swimming in the depths of her memory now, fully under the control of its current as it ebbed and flowed from past to present, little ripples of time and space washing her about in its current, "Cole Sr. came, the only time her ever came to see Cole Jr. in his life. For one glorious night we were a family, a WHOLE family. Cole Sr. and I made love and made Freddie that night."
"The next day Cole Sr. informed me that he couldn't take anymore and I quote, "horseshit about the boy" and that he was tired of sleeping alone, or at least he had been till two months before when he had started an affair with some "woman he worked with", "she put air quotes up for the last part of her statement, "so that left just me and Cole Jr. to fight on alone, which we did."
All the color ran out of her face and Marissa began to get a hitch in her breath and words, "He was seven months old when he developed pleurisy. His little lungs were being choked off by fluid that was building up around them. Twice a day for a week they would drain the fluid and for a little while he could breathe and stop coughing. Then it would start all over again, till finally on Saturday night the doctor came in and sat beside me and told me we needed to talk. He took my hands and looked me in the eyes and told me that Cole was in pain and he was suffering. He told me that he could give him something for the pain; well he told me that he could give ME something to give Cole for the pain. He said nothing else, he didn't have to, I knew what he was telling me. He left the room and I just sat there looking at my beautiful baby boy fighting so hard just to breathe, coughs racking his tiny little body and I cried, because I couldn't let him suffer anymore, but I couldn't just let him go. I don't know how long we both were alone but I do remember when the doctor came back in and cleared his throat. I looked at him and nodded and he gave me a syringe and opened the incubator and for the first and last time I got to hold my boy."
Sam had now joined Marissa in crying, streams of tears pouring down her cheeks. She wasn't aware of it, but she scooted closer to Marissa and put her left arm around her shoulder as Marissa shook violently.
"I put the needle in his I.V. tube and gave him what was in the syringe," Marissa was miming the action with her hands, "and I rocked my boy and sang "Jesus Loves Me" to him while I played with his fingers and toes. He opened his eyes and smiled at me; almost like a thank you, and then he took a shuddering breath closed his eyes and was gone."
The room was still and both women clung to each other. The silence was over powering, and something passed between the two of them that would make them partners from then on.
When Marissa recovered some she continued, "I had a little suit made for him to be buried in and as hard as it was, I let him go. A week later I found out that I was pregnant and by sheer force of will I carried the child for eleven months so that it would be health when it came. Once I found out that it was a boy I named him after Cole's doctor, Fredward. I have spent every waking moment since he was born protecting him and watching out for him so that he would be safe. I want you to know that I don't hate you honey," she put her hand on Sam's cheek, "I'm just having a hard time letting another son go. I know he's in good hands, but it doesn't make it any easier. Just bear with me a little while dear," she then reached over and kissed Sam's forehead, "all I need is time."
Sam felt an urge and gave into it and hugged Marissa. Marissa hugged Sam back and held on to her for a minute before pulling away and smiled at her, "Yes, I'd say he's in very good hands."
"You said that you'd tell me about the nurse you slapped," Sam reminded her.
"Yes I did, her name was Pamala Puckett."
Sam's mouth hung open and Marissa nodded, "Your mom wasn't always like she is now. Life has a way of beating you down sometimes, so remember that the next time you see her," Marissa hugged Sam again.
Just as the two broke from the hug Freddie stuck his head into the room, "Hey, everything ok ladies," he smiled, "Mom you're not giving Sam a hard time are you?"
"No she's not nub," Sam glared at him.
"Uh, ok," he looked puzzled at them both, "Sam you ready?"
"I hear a full rack of ribs and "Zombie Retirement Home" calling my name," Sam began to get up, but turned and kissed Marissa on the forehead and whispered, "I'll make sure he's happy and safe, Marissa, I promise."
Marissa nodded and turned to Freddie, "Put your jacket on before you leave this house young man," she said in her stern voice.
"But mom, it's not that cold outside," he said, "I don't need one."
"Fredward Benson, you do as your mother tells you, or momma is going home, ALONE!" Sam snapped at him as she turned and winked at Marissa.
"But Sam…," the voices trailed off down the hall as she sat there and closed the photo album and slid it into the nightstand.
"My boy is going to be just fine," she said to herself.
.
I know this isn't strictly a Seddie story, but I wanted this to have a chance to be read by more people.
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Cole Jones Jr.
January 12, 1999
February 14, 2012
"Go rest high on that mountain"
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