This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. I had so many various ideas for a story, and I wanted to use all of them. Eventually, I thought of a way to do exactly that, and this tale was born. This story is going to start out morbid and depressing, but it will get better. Please feel free to leave reviews including any comments, suggestions, or criticisms you have. I ask only that you try to keep your criticisms constructive in nature.
And away we go…! I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.
Chapter One – Living Death
A familiar sound interrupted my thoughts. I let out a low snarl as I opened my eyes. Of course, I had not slept in more than a century, but even keeping my eyes open was too much effort to bear. I crossed the room to answer my phone before first ring had even begun. As always, I noticed the subtle sounds and lights of the phone's screen lighting up before the accompanying noise began. I had made no attempt to maintain the human façade these past several months. In truth, I had made no attempt to do anything whatever.
"What is it, Carlisle?" I had recognized the number before answering. I knew that my rudeness was upsetting to my family, but I could no longer bring myself to be pleasant. My family had drawn out this unendurable agony for far too long already. I had stopped answering calls from the rest of the family. I had nothing to say to any of them. I answered Carlisle's calls only because I hoped each time that he was finally ready to release me from this senseless promise and allow me to finally begin my eternal.. Rest? Nothingness? Whatever awaited me on the other side, it was impossible for it to be worse than the pain I suffered here.
"Hello Edward," replied the only father I could remember. Although I knew my tone must have pained him, he displayed no signs of this distress in his own voice. I felt a small twinge of guilt for being so endlessly cold each time we spoke, but it passed so quickly that I would never have even registered the emotion existing when I was human. Even if I did not loathe the promise he'd thrust upon me to the extent that I had a difficult time feeling shame for my actions toward my family, the feeling would still have passed just as quickly. Each and every emotion that I had felt had done the same, apart from the crushing misery that had consumed my existence ever since…
But I couldn't think about that. I would resume thinking about it as soon as I dispensed with Carlisle, unless, of course, he was calling with the only shred of good news he or anyone else could possibly provide to me. I needed to be released. There was no other answer. I knew it even when I made the promise to Carlisle. I had made the promise only because I was certain it was the best way to ensure the relative safety of the rest of my family, but I was certain that I would break it soon. There was nothing left but pain. I no longer felt even the thirst, which must surely have been incomprehensible by now, since I hadn't fed in months. There was only pain.
"Please come home, son," Carlisle continued in a businesslike tone. This was curious, because each time any of them had contacted me with this same request, their tone had been one of pleading, worry, anguish. Carlisle's tone was that of someone shopping for shoes, asking the salesman to please check the back room for a different size. Still, I was annoyed that he had called me to have this conversation yet again.
"Carlisle, you know I have no reason to return. There is no longer anything for me in that town." I could hear how hollow my voice sounded. I had begun to believe, in recent months, that I may indeed have had a soul after all, and that it had died along with…
"Edward, there is something for you here. I wish to explain it to you in person. This is what I asked you to wait for. It is done. Your promise has been kept. Please come home to see what we've been working on."
I didn't answer immediately. This was the call after all. The one I'd hoped to receive for so long. All I had to do was go back to that town one last time, hear Carlisle's meaningless words for a brief time, perhaps an hour or two, and then I could finally be freed. Two minutes passed in silence. Three. Four. After eight minutes, I realized that this was my last day on Earth. In a few hours, I would finally pass over into whatever awaited. Although I felt no joy, I laughed. Carlisle continued to sit patiently on the phone while I laughed for three more minutes.
"Very well, Carlisle. I'll be there soon."
"Please feed before you get here. I cannot explain now, but Alice has told me that you will be unable to wait even a few moments to feed once I've given you all of the details. Plus, I do not think it would do for you to be so thirsty when Esme sees you for the last time." Carlisle hung up before I had time to answer. I was shocked. He had confessed that this would be the last time I would see Esme; indeed, Alice had confirmed that I would leave immediately to die after hearing Carlisle's explanation. Why go through the motions? Why wouldn't he release me from my promise now?
I sighed. I could think of no excuse not to go and say goodbye to my family. I would need to go to that town again in any event, if Carlisle had held up his end of the bargain, and I knew that he had. Even if I went straight to the wolves, I should still feed first. It would not do to lose control and kill any of the Quileutes because I was so thirsty. That would break the treaty and force my family to stay far away from that town forever. There was no reason that they should suffer. If I was willing to have them suffer, I would have gone to the Volturi months ago rather than bargaining with Carlisle. I did have to admit to the logic of his plan. He was confident that he could negotiate with the wolves to end my life for me, since he had been the one to arrange for the original treaty. If the wolves killed me, I wouldn't need to go to the Volturi, and they wouldn't need to be reminded of my family's existence, nor be informed of how I had broken our highest law by telling – I gritted my teeth and forced myself to finish this thought – By telling her of the existence of our kind. My family would be implicated in this scandal, no matter that the perceived danger was already over, simply because they had allowed her to live as long as she had with this knowledge. The wolves, on the other hand, would be all too happy for an excuse to kill one of us without breaking the treaty, and they would gladly remain silent about what had transpired. My family was much safer this way.
I had been surprised when Carlisle had told me that the wolves were back, but grateful for the convenience this offered. I had been less grateful when he had informed me of his stipulation. It seemed that the convenience of a death at the hands of the wolves came at a price. Carlisle was only willing to negotiate with the wolves if I would permit him time to put together some mysterious plan that he was certain would change my mind about wanting to end my… Life? Whatever it was that I did. I couldn't bear the idea of living for a few weeks, months, possibly years. He had been wise to bring Alice with him when he told me of this plan, since I could pull from her mind her exceedingly clear visions of my family being hunted by the Volturi, of Esme being tortured by Jane. I had agreed, under duress, but agreed nevertheless.
And so it was that I had spent the past three years living in constant torture. Over and over again I had replayed the events that had led to the demise of my existence. How could I have been so foolish? It was my fault that she was gone. Mine, and mine alone. I had done this to her. I had left her unprotected. I had known that there was a threat from the remainder of James's coven, and I had foolishly underestimated it. I had believed that the only real threat came from Victoria, and I had wasted my time trying, and badly, to track her. How could I have been so blind? I had seen in their thoughts that her blood had tempted them. I must have been comparing the temptation they felt for her blood to my own. There was, of course, no comparison, but I still should have realized that she seemed like a gourmet dessert prepared by the world's best chef to them!
I grimaced as I looked in the mirror. My eyes were the deepest shade of black I'd ever observed, either in nature or in anything manmade. The irises were actually darker than the pupils, giving me a more eerie appearance than was customary even for our kind. Although it was not possible for me to lose weight, even after long periods of starvation, my appearance was still somehow gaunt. The dark circles under my eyes were deeper in shade, and my face looked weary. For the first time, my ageless features appeared much older than seventeen. It had been only three years, but my face told the tale of decades of torment. I grudgingly acknowledged that feeding must be a priority, and no sooner did I think the words than I became aware of an excruciating burning in my throat that was almost as severe as the burn I'd felt almost a century ago when I'd undergone the change.
Still, I could wait a few more moments to feed. I looked over my attire, the exact same clothing I'd been wearing three years ago when I'd received the news of her death. Of course, I did not have bodily fluids to contribute to poor odor and I had scarcely moved at all, but I had hunted a handful of times, and all of the time I spent lying completely still and agonizing over my every decision had caused a thick layer of dust and dirt to accumulate on my apparel. I certainly needed to dress a bit more suitably. Alice would never forgive me if I wore these clothes to die.
I'd had no reason to feel compelled to clean anything. Since I'd had no visitors in years, there was no reason to keep up appearances. I had rented a small studio apartment a few hundred miles from that town, wanting to stay close so that I could quickly traverse the distance once Carlisle provided me with the blessed release from my promise. I had arranged for automatic payments from a bank account whose balance could easily have sustained these monthly payments for another century. Of course, I'd never had any intention of going on for that long, but the arrangement was convenient in that it allowed me to remain here as long as necessary without ever stepping outside. I neatly brushed the dust from one of the suitcases I had never taken the time to unpack and extracted from it my finest Italian suit. I worked quickly to press the wrinkles from it and was changed into it in short order. I looked in the mirror again and determined that, once I fed, I would be at least presentable enough to greet my family and meet my demise. A snort escaped me before I could stop it. I had already met my demise. Tonight, I would be meeting my fate.
I did not look behind me as I shut the door to my apartment. I did not lock the door as I left. I would never return here. If a looter had use for some possession of mine, they were welcome to it. I had with me only the clothes I was wearing, the phone that I carried in case Carlisle had any additional last-minute requests, and the bottle cap I had pocketed so long ago, in what felt like another time. I had worn all of the ridges off of the cap over the years. It the only physical reminder I had of her, and so I rarely had allowed an entire hour to pass without touching it. I took the cap out of my pocket now and examined it in the moonlight. Soon, I thought. Soon I will follow you at last.