A/N: What can I say except I woke up with this title on my head and the muse made me do this? I hope you guys like it.
Disclaimer: Characters ain't mine. This is a work of FICTION. I do not encourage the use of any substitutes for mineral-based lubricants.
After World War II many enterprising Japanese, seeing the flow or American soldiers and civilians into their country to participate in the reconstruction efforts, decided to open businesses to sell typical, or as close an interpretation thereof as they could get, American food, guessing quite correctly that Coca-Cola and its ilk would become wildly popular.
One such entrepreneur was Uchiha Madara, the patriarch of the Uchiha family. The Uchiha had been expert butchers in Kobe for a thousand years, purveying the finest beef both to Japanese royalty and, later on, to the Western traders that came ashore in that port.
So it would be perfectly understandable if he proudly refused the request of the main chef in the American base to provide them with pre-cooked dog meat. And at first Madara did get angry, rising to the top of his five foot tall frame (frizzled hair included) in response, but after the translator dispelled the confusion and explained what exactly these "hot dogs" were made of you could see the gears working in his mind, and, with a smirk and a gimlet glare that brought terror to many lesser businessmen over the years, the Uchiha shook hands with the chef and Uchiha wieners was born.
The enterprise was incredibly successful, especially with the marketing tactics copied straight from famous American hot-dog brands, including the Uchiha Sausage-mobile and the Uchiha Wienerettes, who actually scored a golden album in the 1970s.
As it happened with all family-owned businesses, the entire clan was employed in the company, and all had to start from below, to better appreciate the effort of their ancestors.
This leads us to the subject of this story, one Uchiha Sasuke, twenty-two years old, business graduate, an entire foot taller but much less enthusiastic grandson of Uchiha Madara, currently running the Uchiha Wieners fast-food stand in one of Kobe's food courts.
Sasuke grit his teeth in fury as he saw the three young men coming his way from the movie theater, led by a stupid-looking blond.
"Damn Naruto, we already had dinner, let's just go in already!" A long-haired brunet argued.
"No way, there's" the blond started,
"Always room for Sasuke's sausage," the other two chorused him with bored voices.
"Yep, so lemme get filled up a sec, we ain't gonna miss the movie, I promise," and cue in the idiotic grin aimed at the scowling Uchiha.
"Naruto," Sasuke growled, the displeasure in his face evident as he approached the counter.
Uzumaki Naruto, twenty-one years old, public relations major at the local college, six feet three inches tall, half-albino blond, blue-eyed, village idiot and the bane of poor Sasuke's existence for the last ten years, bent over the counter and winked blue eyes at him. "I would like a plain foot-long with extra mayo, please," he asked in a husky voice.
Sasuke took a long, deep breath and quietly filled the order, trying not to crack his own teeth from the tension in his jaws.
"Six hundred yen*," he announced, and Naruto paid him, pushing the meat out the front of the bread before licking the mayonnaise off the tip. "So good, Sasuke," he moaned, and bit the tip off, his two companions – the long haired brunet and a black haired anemic-looking guy – rolling their eyes upward.
"Let's go, dickless," the anemic dude said, pulling the eyesore away.
"Every. Mother. Fucking. Weekend that son of a bitch makes fun of me in front of the entire food court. I swear I'm going to kill that blond piece of shit!" Sasuke growled, strangling a yellow cushion in his therapist's office.
"Maaa, maa Sasuke, how can you be so sure he's making fun of you? Maybe he's trying to, you know, convey a message?" Hatake Kakashi asked with a cheerful voice.
"I'll convey him a fucking message, stupid asshole, sucking on fucking sausages right in my face..." Sasuke growled again, trying to burn holes into the cushion with his eyes.
"Now, how do you know he's not, say, hitting on you?"
Sasuke deadpanned. "I know him since we were twelve, there's no way he either is gay or knows I am," he said. "Back then that dead last idiot was always either working out, playing soccer or chasing after that horrible pink leech Haruno Sakura, until the gods gave the one mercy I've had in my horrible life and made her choke to death on a half-baked melon bread. And then he went after my other fangirls, up until I left for college!"
"Sasuke, there are such things as bisexuals, you know," Kakashi chided him, and he snorted.
"Right, and I'm the Queen of Sheba. Look, I'm the butt joke of the Universe. I have to fucking drive a hot dog shaped car twice a month for baseball games; I've had my picture posted in the paper holding a sausage-shaped trophy for selling the most hot dogs at a stadium, even my fucking name rhymes with sausage! There is no way that… that… usuratonkachi would know I'm gay, much less be interested in me! I'm such a walking stereotype my own parents didn't take me seriously when I came out! They made actual hot dog jokes at me!" Sasuke wailed the last, and held his head in his hands.
"How about this: instead of bottling up all this pent up hormonal, er, rage, why don't you try asking him what's going on? You know how communication skills are necessary in the business world, maybe it's time you practice them, ne?" Kakashi suggested, smiling at him.
Sasuke shook his head in defeat.
The next Saturday night, as the evening wore on, Sasuke had the strange feeling something was amiss. He counted the supplies and checked the register twice, before Suigetsu, one of his three employees, asked him if there was something wrong.
"I don't know, it feels as if I'm missing something," Sasuke muttered, frowning.
"Oh, I know," Karin said from her french-fries station. "Blondie hasn't come yet," she said, grinning, and Sasuke turned his head in her direction so fast, Suigetsu thought he'd give himself whiplash.
"Yep, it's true, it's nine pm and he ain't come by, if he takes too much longer he'll miss the last movie session," Juugo commented good-naturedly from where he was mopping the floor, and Sasuke felt a surge of excitement run through his veins. A whole Saturday without that idiot bothering him? He crumped the sheet of paper he was holding in his hands, giving the clock a hopeful look. One night of peace after an entire year of being made fun of weekly, was it really even possible?
Sasuke spent the entire next hour watching the clock with the side of his eye, trembling with anticipation, and as soon as the clock chimed closing time at ten pm he nearly jumped with happiness. "Yatta!" he whispered, discreetly raising a fist to his chest with tears in his eyes as his employees started closing shop.
"Sasuke, are you gonna be ok closing the register by yourself?" Karin asked, as the small team passed him by on their way out. "Sure, go ahead. Have a nice weekend and thank you all for your hard work," he greeted with a smile, and the three employees gaped, googly eyed, before hurrying out the door, mumbling about strange miracles.
Sasuke was about to pull down the grating in front of his stand at precisely midnight, The Sound of Music playing over and over in his head, when he heard running footsteps coming at him.
"Suigetsu if you forgot your damn beanie again I'll" he started as he turned around, and gaped at the sight of one very flustered Uzumaki Naruto skidding to a halt right in front of him.
"Hi Sasuke! Sorry I'm late!" the idiot blond greeted with a huge grin, and Sasuke's left eye twitched, before he realized the time. He then let his lips rise in a slow, evil grin. "Too late, idiot, we're closed."
"No!" Naruto wailed, throwing himself in Sasuke's arms. "It's never too late for Sasuke's sausage, you can't do this to me!"
Suddenly, all of Sasuke's pent up rage at the weekly humiliation raised its ugly head, and he decided that, for better or worse, he was going to convey exactly what he thought about the moron's love of Sasuke's hot dogs. He grabbed Naruto by his – tacky as hell – orange football jacket and threw him over the counter, jumping in right after only to grab him by the collar and start shaking his head back and forth.
"You… you… you dead last usuratonkachi! You want my sausage? You want my fucking sausage? I'll stick my damn sausage up your ass, you son of a bitch, how do you like that?" he roared, his angry spittle hitting Naruto's face.
"Fucking finally, you dumb bastard!" Naruto growled with ill intent in his eyes, and turned them around with a quick movement, sitting on top of the Uchiha with his knees over Sasuke's hands.
Sasuke stared dumbly at the man, his brain stuck between gears as he watched him yank off first his jacket, then his shirt, and start sloppily undoing Sasuke's own clothing. "What are you doing?" Sasuke squeaked in a scared tone, as a flying button ricocheted off the counter and landed with a gloop inside the fryer.
"Getting my fucking Sasuke sausage up my ass where it belongs, you gonna back down on me now?" Naruto said in a low, lustful tone, and rubbed his butt over Sasuke's groin.
"Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You. Want me. To fuck you?" Sasuke asked, his eyes as wide as saucers.
Naruto raised his arms with a huff. "Duuuuuuuuuuuh! Shit, I've only been throwing all the fucking hints and innuendos ever invented at you! You think I even like mayonnaise that much? I swear all those advanced classes at school must've shriveled your brain or something! I've wanted you for years!"
"But you were after Sakura!"
"Yes, and all the other girls that threw their bodies at you in high school, it's called being in denial and it's something we queer people eventually grow out of, now will you help me get your dick out or do I have to rip your pants off?"
Sasuke literally felt his blood flow divert entirely to his groin, his cock hurting from the sudden erection and the weight above it. He didn't know if he should cry, laugh or fuck five kinds of shit out of the man on top of him, so he left the decision to his lower brain functions, and pulled Naruto down so he could shove his tongue down his throat, quickly turning them around again and kicking his shoes off as the man under him fumbled, trying to get both of them out of their pants at the same time.
"Ngh, shit, I don't have any condoms," Sasuke said in a moment of clarity, only for Naruto to triumphantly brandish one at his face, while kicking Sasuke's pants and briefs off the rest of the way. "Heh, guess you were prepared for this, huh?"
"I knew you wouldn't trust me right off the bat, not with that ice prick up your ass," Naruto said, and finished kicking his own pants and boxers away while ripping the condom package open with his teeth, and Sasuke cried out when he reached down and pushed the condom over his erection.
"Lube, lube…" Naruto chanted, patting around them. "Oh shit," he growled in frustration, as his hand came up with a busted pocket-sized sachet of the stuff.
Sasuke started looking around them desperately, knowing they could perfectly well do the civilized thing and take this somewhere more appropriate, but entirely unwilling to forfeit this crazy, animalistic, hot as hell manly fuck that was currently hotter than any of his sexual fantasies ever were.
His eyes zeroed in the mayonnaise squirt bottle in the glass-door mini fridge under the counter, and he grabbed for it, dangling it with a smirk over Naruto's face.
Naruto rolled his eyes and snorted. "It figures after all the mayonnaise innuendos we'd end up using it up my ass," he muttered, and Sasuke let out a husky chuckle before pouring the goo on his fingers. "Eh, we'll just wash it thoroughly afterwards, it's not like you'd feed your customers rancid stuff with fly eggs in it, right?*" Naruto asked mockingly, and Sasuke made a show of checking the best by date, before deadpanning.
"Have you ever been sick after eating here, idiot?" Sasuke asked, and smirked before standing and offering the blond a hand. "Get up or I'll make you mop the fucking floor afterwards."
Naruto took the hand and was pulled up into a deep, tongue-sucking kiss, before Sasuke turned him around and bent him over the counter with one hand, while pushing a couple of fingers in his hole, making him moan and push back. "Hurry the fuck up Sasuke!"
Sasuke took his sweet time preparing him, though; he was definitely not going to deal with torn insides or angry bottoms after this – besides, he didn't think one go would be nearly enough to satiate him. Eh, too bad for Naruto, he was the one who wanted Sasuke's sausage in the first place, right?
"Damn it Sasuke my asshole isn't a bank safe, you don't have to search around for the combinaAAH, yeah, that's more like it! Come on teme, give me all you got!"
Sasuke covered Naruto's mouth with his hands and pushed in the rest of the way before biting on his shoulder. "You talk too much, baka," he growled, and Naruto used his hands to steady his body as Sasuke leaned back and started a furious pace, still gagging him with his hands.
"Mmmmmph! Mmmmmph! Ngh, ngh, ngh" Naruto panted, and huffed, and groaned under the relentless assault on his asshole, his legs stretched to the sides, Sasuke pounding him hard enough to shake the counter, exactly as he had always dreamed of except by the strong hands muffling him, which was something even better than what his imagination had come up with. He pulled his trembling, sliding socked feet a little closer to each other and the new angle made Sasuke's thrust hit his prostate dead on, making him push his face against the Uchiha's hands and twerk his hips with every thrust trying to make the man's cock go even deeper.
"How do you like my sausage now, huh usuratonkachi? Stupid son of a bitch, do you know how fucking humiliated I felt with your moronic pick-up lines? 'There's always room for Sasuke's sausage', there better be room for my fucking… hot… hard… sausage… up… that… hole, you piece of work, cause I'mma gonna slam it in all night long, so hard you'll spend next week crawling around on your stomach!" Sasuke growled, anger and lust pushing him closer and closer to his orgasm. He pulled Naruto up and shoved the fingers of one hand into his mouth, using the other to start pumping his dick harshly in tandem with his thrusts.
"You want me to come inside you, bitch?" he asked, his voice a full octave lower with lust, and Naruto nodded, mewling. "You wanna be my cum dump then, slut?"
Naruto nodded enthusiastically, his eyes rolling back in pleasure. "I'm gonna cum inside this rubber and afterwards you're gonna suck my dick the whole drive to my place to get me hard and ready to pound your hole again, and then so help me I'm gonna fuck you until you can't remember your name anymore," Sasuke warned, bit the blond's shoulder when his breath hitched, and Naruto came, shooting straight up and all over his hand, a guttural moan leaving his lungs as his legs trembled and his inner muscles spasmed, milking Sasuke's cock into his own shattering orgasm.
The next morning, Suigetsu, Karin and Juugo arrived at the hot-dog stand to find the counter was wobbling, some unnamable substance had dropped on it, apparently from the ceiling, and the items in the refrigerator under it were all thrashed about as if a small earthquake had hit the place, with a hastily scribbled post-it note on the register. It read simply
'Taking a holiday. Maybe two. Deal with it. S.
P.S.: replace the mayonnaise.'
A/N:
· About 5 dollars, pretty much the price in Japan for a decent hot dog made with actual meat, or so I'm told.
· References an urban myth were a woman used it and critters grew on her cooch, and she only found out because they made her orgasm randomly.