I do not own Durarara etc

beHolding without Touching

Izaya chuckled as he saw Shizuo flung yet another victim to his wrath, and career, for that matter. The person must have refused to pay and spouted some provoking words to Shizuo. Izaya shook his head, amused by the fact that people still dared to defy Shizuo despite his reputation as strongest man and having the worst temper in Ikebukuro.

Izaya left his place behind a wall of a building to continue tailing both Shizuo and his employer, Tom, as his targets began walking, heading some place else.

It was already late afternoon. From a safe distance, he saw Shizuo and Tom bid each other good bye. Shizuo stayed rooted while Tom left. After few seconds, Izaya saw Shizuo turned around, his gaze pierced right through Izaya.

Izaya sighed inwardly. So much for a safe distance.
He has been found out.

Shizuo walked, painfully slowly, as if teasing, towards Izaya, who stayed rooted at his place of hiding. Since he has been found out, there was no point of running.
Shizuo stopped, a few feet before Izaya. He took his shades out and wore it.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya greeted gleefully.

"Leave, flea,"

Izaya shrugged. He was planning to, anyway.

"Don't ever come back,"

Watching Shizuo's retreating back, he made no promise.

Izaya slouched, clutching his stomach in pain. Before him, stood Shizuo, the cause of the pain.
Shizuo had kneed his stomach.

"Only yesterday, I told you to stay out of Ikebukuro, flea,"

Izaya was still slouched, his eyes did not leave the ground.

"I have work, Shizu-chan,"

Silence filled the air as Shizuo made no reply to Izaya's excuse.
Izaya looked up, wondering why Shizuo had gone silent.

Shizuo was looking at him, with no expression. However, Izaya knew Shizuo better, he was actually staring at him incredulously.
Shizuo knew that it was an excuse.

Izaya slowly straightened his back. He flinched. He knew Shizuo had not used his full force, otherwise he would be flying.
However, it was strong enough as a warning.

"Don't come again, Izaya,"

Again, he made no promise.

Today, he came again to Ikebukuro. Izaya started searching for Shizuo straight away. He asked around, and finally found out that Shizuo was on the west side of the town. So he began walking towards the specific street where Shizuo would be.

From afar, he saw Shizuo walked with Tom by his side. He started walking briskly to begin tailing Shizuo again today.

However, Shizuo suddenly stopped walking. Izaya abruptly stopped walking too. He was still quite far from the blonde, the only distinguished features he was able to make out of Shizuo was his blonde hair and black and white uniform he donned, plus Tom's unique hairstyle. There was no way Shizuo could detect him.

But Shizuo did stop walking. Tom left after they exchanged a few words.

Izaya thought, maybe Shizuo needed to leave early or he had an important task to do, because it was still early afternoon.
To his extreme shock, Shizuo turned and looked straight at Izaya.
Izaya's heart skipped a beat. He has been found out, this early.

They stayed unmoved for a while. Only exchanging stares. Izaya's nervous, while Shizuo's was inexplicable. Afterwards, Shizuo walked into an alley.

Izaya followed.
Shizuo was leaning against the wall of a building there, in the alley, as Izaya walked slowly towards him.
He stopped a few feet away.
Shizuo pushed himself off the wall. Standing tall, he reduced the distance between them, until Izaya could make out his features completely.
His brown eyes, each strand of his blonde locks, and his sleeves folded to his elbow.

His face.

Unconsciously, Izaya softened his gaze.

"I am going to say this straight,"

Izaya smirked. He was not up for a talk, because it would be pointless. He produced his knife and pointed it towards Shizuo.
The blonde brute did not flinch, or even pretend to be intimidated by the threatening gesture.
Shizuo's mouth moved, forming the following words.

"Stop coming, Izaya. Stop following me. We are through,"

Izaya blinked. He swallowed unconsciously.
However, he stayed rooted.

"It was your decision," Shizuo continued.

Izaya's heart leaped. He felt his throat drying at Shizuo's tone, accusing.
Shizuo stressed on the word your.
Both of them, had their breath hitched.
Izaya was more affected by those words more than the other. He lowered his knife, his mouth opened, but he did not form any words.

He looked straight at Shizuo. His heart constricted. Something threatened to come out, causing his cheeks to redden.
Shizuo was looking at him painfully. He had creases between his eyebrows, as if to stop something from spilling over. But Shizuo did not surrender.
Izaya could not answer as he did not expect this issue would surface. He thought Shizuo would just pretend nothing had ever happened between them.

But Shizuo was attacking him head on.

After the silence-covered emotional tension, Shizuo left.

Izaya began walking.
He still had his knife in his hand. His grip loosened, only to tightened again. His emotion was a mess. He was drowned in his own thoughts.

Izaya admit, it was all true. He was the one breaking them up.
He was the one ending it, only a few days before their first anniversary. The perfectly mismatched relationship, so warm and blissful Izaya swore he was in heaven.

They were in heaven.

From someone else's point of view, it was an awkward and seemingly ingenuous relationship of all. Izaya, the scheming fox and Shizuo, the roaring, too powerful lion.

But for Izaya, the moment they began their relationship, was the first time he was able to breathe. Because he had been in love with Shizuo for so many years, he could taste happiness just having a glimpse of the blonde in his sight.

Shizuo, who had an abnormal strength. Who could destroy anything he wanted.

Was that why they broke up?

Triple negative. Shizuo was too strong, of course, but Shizuo, he... was gentle. He was so gentle towards Izaya. His fingers barely touched Izaya's shoulder while they were sitting on the couch watching tv. Izaya was having a hard time at work, and Shizuo would not want to stress him further with unnecessary caressing, but he wanted Izaya to know that he was there for him. Shizuo squeezed his palm as Izaya's father taunted him through the phone, giving him a silent support. He did not complain, he did not throw tantrums (and furnitures, because he could and he wanted to) of the words thrown at Izaya, instead, he waited patiently until the call ended.

And then he would lend his shoulder for Izaya to cry on.

Taking in all of Izaya.
That gentle Shizuo, Izaya had let go.

Izaya did not even explain to Shizuo when he told him he wanted to break up. He merely said:

"This would not work out. I am leaving,"

Shizuo knew he would not change his mind. After countless shouts and failed persuasions, they officially separated.
There was nothing a broken, crushed Shizuo could do.

Izaya knew if he had told Shizuo his reason, the blonde would shout at him and say that he thought too much. They would go round and round.
Because Izaya was the one doing all the thinking, positive and negatively in the relationship, and Shizuo was the simple one. They could never agree on what's on each other's head.

Shizuo, he was abnormal. He was not an ordinary man. However, his strength did not damage him.

Izaya, on the other hand, he was... damaged. He was broken beyond repair. He could love, hell, he has been loving Shizuo for seven years.
But, after being in a relationship for a year, Izaya realised.
He could not do it. His heart was too weak.
His feelings, everything in his soul had been trampled countless times. He learnt about the filthy world too much that he no longer has faith in anything pure he attempted to do.
Including having a completely blissful loving relationship with Shizuo.

He was feeling insecure. He could not reciprocate Shizuo's gentleness well. He felt inadequate to the gentle blonde. He felt the relationship ending in the next second, every day.
He felt like he could not hold on to the blonde when he should.
Shizuo was everything to him. But his heart was panting, exhausted.
He was afraid he would destroy the blonde from inside out.

The last thing he would do.
The last thing Izaya wanted to do.

Shizuo's simple mind would never be able to understand Izaya's agony.

Hence Izaya chose the only path for him.
He left, leaving Shizuo heartbroken, for he know how much the blonde loved him.
Shizuo had been loving him for seven years too.

Izaya's inner turmoil rested after the break up. His anxiety disappeared.
However, he loved Shizuo. Everything of Shizuo, Izaya embraced. He had tasted Shizuo's sweet love.

It would be a lie to say that he did not yearn for more.

Shameless, Izaya knew.
Izaya could break up with Shizuo. He'd done that.
But to stop loving, even only the calloused hands and the foul mouth,

Impossible, Shizu-chan.