AUTHOR'S NOTE: First Sgt. Frog one-shot! Loosely based off of the infamous Dexter's Laboratory banned episode, Dexter's Rude Removal. Enjoy!
It was a normal afternoon in the Armpit Platoon base. Keroro was blabbing away about his latest idea, while Giroro sat with a shocked look on his face.
"That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard in my life!" Giroro exclaimed loudly.
"Come on, if we buy up all the soda in the world, all the Pekoponians will grow dry and will have to buy off of us to get liquid! We'll be rich enough to buy Pekopon three times over!" Keroro exclaimed excitedly.
"Have you ever considered...some of them drink water or other liquids?" Dororo asked.
"KERO!" Keroro yelled. "We'll never have enough money to buy all of those liquids!"
"It's okay, uncle, your idea's great either way!" Angol Mois said affectionally, comforting Keroro.
"Oh, Mois, you always know what to say!"
Tamama looked at Angol Mois and Keroro with extreme anger.
"That woman...always tormenting Keroro with her womanly charms..." Tamama muttered to himself. "TAMAMA IMPACT!"
Tamama quickly shot fire out of himself, causing everyone to scream, a wall to explode, and...not a scratch on Angol Mois.
"Tamama! That's the fifth wall this week!" Giroro yelled at Tamama.
"I-I'm sorry, Giroro." Tamama said softly, sniffling.
"Oh, yeah? Well, sorry's not gonna cut it this time! You need to learn to control your anger, soldier, or get rid of it all together!"
"You know, I actually have a device for the latter." Kululu said. "Kukuku."
"Oh, yeah?" Giroro asked. "What's the catch?"
"No catch." Kululu said with a creepy look in his eye. "At least as far as I know?"
"Well, if it can get rid of his uncontrollable anger, let's hook him up!"
Kululu began hooking the device up to Tamama.
"Um, Kululu?" Keroro asked. "Are you sure this is safe?"
"85% sure." Kululu said. "Kukukuku..."
"Good enough for me!" Keroro yelled, turning the machine on. Tamama began getting zapped and spinning around. The whole Platoon watched as Tamama...
...was split into two halves!
"W-what just happened?" Giroro asked.
"Hey, Giroro." One of the halves said. "Shut your fucking trap for a second so I can actually think."
"W-WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?"
"You heard me, you obnoxious little fucker."
"Hey!" The other half exclaimed. "You shouldn't talk so rudely to Giroro! He's one of our strongest members!"
"Oh, yeah?" The first half said. "What the fuck is a pussylike you gonna do about it?"
"Oh, dear." Kululu said. "It appears that the machine split Tamama into a polite half and a rude half. Also, the other 15% won."
"Yeah, well, that's pretty fucking obvious." The rude half muttered. "How about you tell me something I don't know?"
"Well, how do we get him back?" Giroro asked.
"I think I can modify the machine so that - hey, get back here!" Kululu exclaimed as the rude half ran out the door.
"So long, motherfuckers!" The rude half yelled, closing the door.
"KERO!" Keroro yelled. "Oh, man, if Natsumi or Fuyuki or Aki see this, we're all dead!"
"Well then, let's not just stand here, let's go get him!" Giroro yelled, guns loaded, running out the door. The rest of the platoon followed, except the polite half.
"I-I don't want to hurt anybody." The polite half said quietly.
"Alright, you stay behind." Giroro said, closing the door.
Meanwhile, down in the kitchen, the rude half was making a show in front of Natsumi, farting and burping as he ate everything on the table.
"You know, Tamama, some of that food's for other people." Natsumi said, getting a little annoyed.
"Do I look like I give a shit?" The rude half asked. "Now shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich, you worthless whore."
Natsumi began to clutch her fist.
"What...did you just say...to me?"
Oh, fuck. I pissed off the violent one. The rude half thought to himself as he ran out of the room.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU RUDE LITTLE FIEND!"
Meanwhile, the Platoon was running down the halls, searching anxiously for the rude half. They eventually ran into Fuyuki.
"Have you seen Tamama anywhere?" Dororo asked.
"No, not lately." Fuyuki stated. "I thought he was down at a meeting with you guys."
"He was earlier. It's a long story. Alright, he's not here, let's go!"
The Platoon ran right past Fuyuki, trampling him in the process.
"...ow..."
Just as the Platoon ran in the opposite direction, Tamama's rude half came running toward Fuyuki's way.
"Oh, Tamama, the Platoon's looking for you." Fuyuki said.
"Like I give a fuck." Tamama's rude half muttered. "Now get the fuck out of my way, you skull-fucking douchebag."
Fuyuki looked at Tamama's rude half, stunned as he walked away.
"Ah, he's gotta be here somewhere!" Keroro shouted, looking back at the rest of the Platoon. "Wait, where's Dororo?"
"Get the fuck off me, you little fucking asshole!"
The Platoon heard the profanity and instantly knew it was Tamama's rude half. They ran downstairs to see Tamama's rude half tied up, flipping Dororo the bird while Tamama's polite half cowarded in the corner.
"Fuck off, you fucking nerd!" Tamama's rude half yelled.
"So, what do you guys think?" Dororo asked. "Did you see how I tied him up so quickly? Probably my best attack yet!"
"Uhh..." The rest of the Platoon stuttered.
"Y-you didn't even know I left, did you?" Dororo asked, with tears in his eyes.
"Never mind that!" Keroro yelled. "Let's just combine the polite half with the rude half so we can get regular Tamama back!"
Kululu grabbed the polite half against his will and hooked him up to the rude half.
"Clicky." Kululu said, pressing a button. Suddenly, there was a giant beam of light. Pekopon began shaking, and around the world people would swear for years there was a worldwide earthquake at this time. Once the earthquake stopped, Tamama was one person again.
"Mr. Sarge!" Tamama said, walking up and trying to tackle-hug Keroro only to be blocked.
"Oh, uncle, I'm so happy we got him back!" Angol Mois said, hugging him.
"Me too, Mois! We couldn't have done it without each other!" Keroro said.
"Grrr..." Tamama started. "TAMAMA IMPAAAACT!"
Immediately the walls began exploding again, and Angol Mois quickly jumped and got out of the way, leaving not a scratch on her.
"Oh, Tamama, it's great to have you back." Keroro stated.
"Froooogggsss..." Natsumi said, with a bar of soap in her hand. "Get in here. Now."
"Oh, fuck!"
Later that day, in the kitchen, most of the Platoon was scrubbing away, while Tamama still had a bar of soap in his mouth.
"It wasn't actually me!" Tamama yelled.
"I don't care." Natsumi said. "It was part of you, and that part of you said I was a whore. Now put the soap back in before I force it down your throat!"
"Yes, ma'am."
Tamama put the soap back in his mouth.
"And you, frog!" Natsumi yelled, pointing at Giroro. "Keep scrubbing!"
"But I didn't even do anything!" Giroro yelled. "It's Kululu's fault! Hey, wait a second...IT'S KULULU'S FAULT!"
Giroro immediately grabbed Kululu. "You little fu-"
He then proceeded to shout some of the worst expletives in the book, so explicit that if I were to write them, I would probably get kicked off of FanFiction.
A minute later, Giroro had a bar of soap in his mouth along with Tamama.
"Hey, Natsumi." Fuyuki said. "I've got a question for you."
"What is it, bro?" Natsumi asked.
"What's a skull-fucking douchebag?"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: How was the uncensored, extended edition? Hilarious, or was it funnier with bleeps? R&R, please!