So, this is my future Faberry fic. It features Santana and a Faberry child :) I hope you all enjoy it.
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Summary: Really, all she asked Santana to do was check in on them while she was out of town. Not THIS!
Warnings: A child is present in this fic.
Quinn had asked Santana to keep an eye on her wife as a favor. Hell, the Latina owed Quinn for all the times she'd gotten her out of trouble so she decided to cash in on one of those favors. She was going away, actually to visit her parents and since Rachel had a show, she'd decided to stay home. She only wanted Santana to check in on her, make sure she ate because let's face it, Rachel may be almost thirty but she still has the same level of tunnel vision she'd had when they were in high school. It was simple really, check in on Rachel and feed EJ. It wasn't hard work. Anybody could have pulled it off. So why, someone tell her why, did she walk in to find her kitchen completely destroyed and Rachel on top of Santana?
"What the hell is going on?" she shrieked. Santana looked up, her face guilty but amused. Rachel glanced up as well, blushing a little and standing with as much dignity as she could muster,
"Quinn, you're back early." She said simply. Quinn looked from Rachel to Santana then back again before she huffed.
"I asked you to keep an eye on her, not get involved in one of her schemes!" she said turning her anger on Santana. Santana sat up, giggling a little and shrugging,
"What can I say, Fabray? We like to have fun." She said winking. Quinn gaped for a few moments, before turning and walking to her bedroom. She needed to put her luggage down before she decided to rearrange Santana's thoughts with it. She entered her bedroom, her eyes widening and a scream tearing from her throat. She picked up the bundle of white that was sitting on her bed and marched to the kitchen,
"What did you do to my baby!" she shrieked, holding EJ out. The boy giggled, chewing on his fingers a little. Rachel cleared her throat,
"Well you see…." She began.
"Rachel!" Santana hollered, walking into the small house. She didn't hear anything but Rachel's car was in the drive way so that worried her a little. She moved through the silent house, peeking into EJ's room finding it empty then into Quinn and Rachel's room. Everything was in place but she started to feel a knot of worry settle into her stomach. "Rachel? EJ?" she called out again. She made her way to the living room, going for the phone but heard happy giggles and sighed in relief. She made her way out to the small deck from the living room, seeing EJ and Rachel happily playing in the mud. She shook her head, a soft smile on her face and made her way closer, "Yo." She called. EJ looked up,
"'Tana!" he exclaimed, hopping up to hug her. Santana's eyes widened but before she could make a break for it, the three year old dove at her and wrapped his muddy little arms around her. Santana stood in a state of shock, her eyes and mouth wide open. She heard a giggle and looked up to see Rachel standing and moving close to her. "Hey, 'Tana." EJ looked up at her, smiling brightly. Sure, the boy was cute but the pants he was currently defiling with his dirtiness had cost her a fortune.
"Hey…buddy…." She said her voice cracking. EJ didn't seem to notice and reached up to take her hand, causing her to squeak and shudder, feeling the mud seep between her fingers. She'd just gotten a manicure,
"Come make pie." He said pulling her over. Rachel was near the garden hose, washing her hands and feet off. He sat down again, holding up a glob of mud to Santana who looked faint all of a sudden.
"R-Rachel…Why is he playing in the mud?" she asked. Rachel looked up innocently,
"He wanted to make a mud pie." She said. Santana felt a small splash and watched where the glob had fell from his hands and the specks of dirty water now on her shoes.
"Wh-wh-" she began to hyperventilate. "I ca- you are too old t- I just- this is not okay!" she screamed finally. EJ looked up, his eyes worried before looking at his 'Ma'.
"'Tana mad?" he asked curiously. Rachel bit her lip, nodding a little,
"Yeah baby, you know Auntie Santana hates dirt." She said. EJ looked a little sad but grinned,
"I clean!" he said happily, standing up and wiping Santana's pants repeatedly. Rachel looked at her best friend's face, noting the flush and the wide, crazed eyes.
"I-I- they won't find a body. I know people." Santana began to chant. She looked at Rachel, murderous glint in her eye and Rachel squeaked.
"Okay, EJ, time to go get cleaned up buddy!" she exclaimed, picking him up and rushing into the house. When she had the bath water running, she finally heard Santana scream.
"Right, cool story." Quinn began patiently, "But that doesn't explain why my baby is covered in…in…."
"Fowa." EJ said around his fingers. Quinn squinted then finally nodded,
"And why my kitchen looks like this. Rachel, you know you are not allowed to cook after last time." She said insistently. Rachel huffed indignantly,
"It was one time, almost ten years ago, Quinn Fabray! The apartment didn't even burn down, it was simply a misunderstanding." She said. Quinn squeaked,
"Rachel, you burned four cabinets and the ceiling!"
"How was I supposed to know it wasn't microwave safe?"
"The smoke alarm was going off for an hour! An hour, Rachel!" Quinn all but screamed.
"It was a common mistake; I merely thought it was applauding my excellent culinary skills. It always used to happen when Daddy cooked." She said petulantly.
"Rachel, your father gave us food poisoning. Twice. In one night." Quinn reminded her. Rachel huffed,
"You're being ri-"
"My kitchen, explain it!" Quinn cut her off.
"Well that's easy…" Santana began.
After an hour, everyone was clean and sitting in the living room. Well, EJ and Santana were sitting; Rachel was fidgeting by the front door, ready to run when, not if, Santana attacked. EJ was blabbering away, mostly to himself and Santana was glaring at Rachel so hard she was sure Santana's vision would begin to fail.
"I hungry, Ma." EJ said finally. Santana and Rachel looked at each other quickly, neither of them could cook.
"Okay, we'll go to Wendy's buddy." Rachel said, easing to the door to get her keys. She didn't want to make any sudden movements in case Santana was waiting to catch her off guard. EJ pouted,
"No! Pot pie like Mommy makes!" he said. Rachel cringed,
"Dude, we can't make pot-pie like your mommy. Remember last time? The fireman said we can't cook?" Santana reminded him of the incident two months ago. EJ's eyes welled up,
"Pot pie like mommy." He whimpered. So he missed his mother, sue him. He was three and entitled. Rachel caved first,
"Oh, baby don't cry. Don't cry, mommy left the recipe. Me and 'Tana will make you some, okay?" she said hurriedly. She hated it when he cried; it broke her heart more than anything.
"Like hell we will!" Santana exclaimed. Rachel jumped behind a chair for protection,
"But…" EJ said, his lip quivering. His bright hazel eyes shining with tears, ready to fall at the drop of a dime.
"EJ…" Santana trailed off. He sniffled once, then twice, before his face crumpled. He let his tears fall silently, turning away and crossing his arms. "Aw, buddy don't be that way." She said moving to him. He shook his head, moving away from her,
"No." he said picking up his toy. Santana pouted,
"Elijah," Rachel started. "If you can be a big boy, Auntie 'Tana will take you out to the zoo for ice cream." She offered.
"Volunteer me much, Fabray?" Santana snapped.
"I want mommy! Mommy makes me pot-pie!" he stood up, stomping his little foot. He huffed, moving to his room and shutting his door, a miniature-male diva storm out. There had been question once about his paternity…
"Aw, EJ!" Rachel pouted. She turned to Santana, her face pitiful and pleading. Finally, Santana gave in; God she hated midgets.
"Fine, if Q left the recipe it shouldn't be so bad…right?" she asked. Rachel nodded.
Wrong.
They had barely made the dough for the crust when they started bickering.
"What? No, you can- we have vegan substitutes." Rachel said reaching for the eggs. Santana swatted her hand swiftly,
"Hells no. If we're makin' this, we're doing it right." She said.
"All of us need to eat."
"You don't." Santana glared.
"Santana Lopez, don't make me call your wife." Rachel huffed.
"Rachel Fabray, don't make me hide your body." Santana retorted. Best friends or not, Rachel gulped.
The first batch of dough failed. So they started over. By now, EJ had come out of his room curiously and was sitting at the table watching them.
"That's too much-"
"Shut up."
"But I'm ju-"
"Shush, Lopez."
"Alright, don't cry to me wh-"
"Stop moving your face!" Rachel hissed. Santana stood with her hands on her hips insulted and tossed a hand full of flower at Rachel. Rachel blinked once, twice, then a third time before nodding. "I see." She said. "Out of my kitchen, you are no longer my helper. EJ will help!" she said pointing. Santana actually pouted,
"Aw, c'mon. We haven't bonded in a while, I'll be good." She said. Rachel didn't believe her but nodded.
"Well…okay…but no funny business." They continued to attempt to make the dough.
"Where's the goddamn fire extinguisher?" Santana yelled. EJ watched them, little face resting in his hand before sighing. Maybe he should've just called his Mommy.
"I don't know, we never need it!" Rachel said.
"How the hell did you set the microwave on fire?"
"I don't know. I wasn't even using it!" Rachel said distraught. Santana finally located the extinguisher and put out the miniature fire. The kitchen fell into silence.
EJ wondered why grownups were so weird, well, he wondered why his Ma and Auntie Tana were weird but it was all the same to him. After they'd gotten the fire put out a while ago, they'd gone back to re-mixing after another failed attempted at dough. He didn't get it; his mommy did it all once and went on with her day. These two were on their…something batch.
Rachel wasn't sure how it happened, they'd cleaned the floor so she shouldn't have slipped, but she did. She was walking to the fridge, intent on getting some real eggs as they'd used all the substitutes and slipped. She put her hand out to catch herself, but it landed on the table and she still pushed forward from the soft table cloth. Santana was sitting, reading the recipe again when the white cloud landed in her face. She blinked, and then looked up angrily. Rachel's head snapped up from under the table and she tried to re-arrange her clothing.
"I'm okay." She said instantly. Santana stood, blinking the flour from her eyes and advanced,
"Not for long."
"What? Santana…why are you covered in…now put that cup of water dow-" Santana doused Rachel with the room temperature water causing her to stop. Rachel gasped and looked up, her eyes igniting with anger,
"Oh it is on." And it was.
"You mean to tell me," Quinn began slowly. Santana gulped, moving behind Rachel. Calm Quinn was scary Quinn. "That you two,"
"Three."
"Don't bring the baby into this." Rachel chastised Santana.
"Ruined my kitchen because you were acting like children?" Rachel and Santana looked down, mumbling sheepishly.
"He was supposed to get us towels…"
"…not our fault the temptation was there…"
"…like you didn't know this would happen…"
"…so really it's your fault…" their voices overlapped but Quinn raised an eyebrow, reminiscent to her high school years. Rachel gulped again,
"I'm going to give my child a bath and when I get back, this kitchen had better be clean." She said calmly. EJ giggled, hugging his mommy feeling happy as a clam.
"Bye, Ma." He waved as Quinn carried him away.
Two hours later…
"Quinn, you can't be serious! After…nine years together this is what it's come too?" Rachel cried. Quinn nodded, standing before her, waving the papers in her face. "Where did you even get that?" Rachel asked, crossing her arms across herself.
"I had it printed up a few months ago. We both knew this was coming, today was just a reminder." She said slowly. Rachel looked away,
"Well, if that's how you really feel…" she said, holding out her hand angrily. She looked at the contract in disgust:
I, Rachel Fabray, promise to never enter the kitchen again unless it is to get a drink of water. My antics and shenanigans have proved hazardous to innocent cabinets, appliances, and the overall health of the kitchen.
She signed the bottom and glared,
"I think you're being ridiculous." She said handing it over. Santana snickered,
"Oh no, you're signing one too." Quinn glared and Santana pouted.
"Fine." She muttered. "Not like I live here anyway." She said childishly.
"And I've called Brittany; she's making you sign one for home as well." Quinn told her. Santana whined,
"I can't believe you got us in trouble again!" she glared at Rachel. Rachel just grinned a little to herself,
"heh heh."