I sigh and cup my face in my hands. Everything is falling apart. My world is literally crashing.
I feel the tears touching my hands and they tingle. My hands are red and raw from hitting the wood of the table in front of me. It's cracked in two places. Mom's going to kill me.
Okay, maybe it's not that big of a deal. But it feels like it. Her, my first love, my girlfriend Haruhi Fujioka broke up with me and announced her plans to leave Japan.
Where is she now, you ask? On a train. On a train to the airport. To catch her flight to Boston, which leaves in two hours and thirty-nine minutes exactly.
You may also be wondering why our relationship ended the way it did. But for me to answer that, we need to go all the way back to the beginning.
"Haruhi, Haruhi!" I called, the knot in my stomach tighter than ever. She turned around, brown hair swishing, doe eyes blinking innocently. The light from the open windows and the chandelier shone upon her in such a way that it made me catch my breath. God, she really is beautiful. I thought. And maybe, just maybe, in a few minutes, she'll be mine.
Her face lit up in a smile. "Kaoru!" I slowed down and walked, forcing myself to remain calm. My shoes clicked on the polished tiles and I saw my reflection in them as well. Ginger hair parted to the side, amber eyes wide. I looked scared. I twitched my mouth into a more normal expression and tried to release the tension in my shoulders. As I approached, she said, "I've been waiting forever."
I forced myself to smile. "Sorry about that. I got, um, held up."
"So, why did you ask me to meet you here?" She asked. I looked up from the floor and for the first time I saw that a slight blush had crossed her face. It gave me hope. Maybe there is some method in this madness...
Well, it was now or never. "I wanted to ask you if you would like to go on a date with me. Like, date me." Jesus, that came out sounding horrible!
She looked shocked for a moment, then she smiled again. "Kaoru, why didn't you ask earlier? I would have said yes. I'm saying yes now."
Relief flooded my body and I must have looked it because she laughed and said, "You were really nervous about asking me."
I nodded then decided to be brave. I'd asked Haruhi out, now I would take it one step further. I leaned forward, and very hesitantly, kissed her.
It couldn't have lasted long, just four or five seconds. Counting like one Mississippi, two Mississippi. Believe me, I counted. I replayed that kiss in my mind at least a trillion times. Savouring the feeling of relief and happiness and most of all love. It was my first kiss.
Since that first kiss, I've had so many more kisses with her. And every single one revoked all the feelings of that first one.
I know what you're thinking. Ugh this is so gross and cliche I'm going to kill someone and yeah. I guess you could say that's what our relationship was like. Cliche.
We dated for two years, the remainder of our time in high school after it was revealed she was a girl. And when she got accepted into that prestigious school in Boston, I was going to go with her. Until... Now.
Goddamn it, everything was perfect. I loved Haruhi so much and now she's gone. I could pursue her, I still have the plane ticket. But I won't, I'll just make her unhappy. And I would never want to do that.
To revise what I said before, no, everything was not perfect. Everything was perfect with me. I had a beautiful girlfriend, I was getting good grades and what else does a teen need in his life? It's just... Haruhi wasn't happy.
She always seemed happy, so I never suspected she was anything but that. Because I was so wrapped up in my own happiness, I never noticed that there were little things that I did that made her feel bad.
Like this...
Haruhi came out of the room dressed in an adorable pink dress, probably something her dad had picked out for her to wear for our date. I could feel myself grinning like an idiot, but the smile slowly faded as my eyes came to rest upon the hem of her dress.
That dress is too short, I thought. I had- and still have- a really bad habit of just saying everything that runs in my head. Don't say it, just don't say it... I told myself.
"That dress is too short." I said.
Well, ah shit, it just came out.
Her shy smile was gone in an instant, as though someone had slapped her. And come to think of it, in a way, I had. "Why do you always have an opinion on everything I wear." She asked wearily. It wasn't even a question anymore, not even a rhetorical one. It was simply stating a fact.
I started to apologize but she cut me off and said, "No, forget it. Let's go."
Ten minutes later, I had forgotten all about it and we were having a really nice time on our date. When I dropped her off, my eye fell to that hem again and I said, "I'm really sorry, Haruhi. You do look beautiful."
Then she smiled sadly and said "Thank you," although I could tell it was still bothering her. So I leaned in to give her a kiss and that spark of love happened again like I mentioned before.
That's just one instance, but really it happened all the time. Once again, I couldn't hold it in, and I hurt her. And that's my tragic flaw without a doubt.
The next time I saw her, she was wearing her normal attire: jogging pants and a sweat shirt. But I was fine with that, because it might reduce the chance that another boy might see she was beautiful.
You see, after all those years too close to Hikaru, and only a few years being a normal social person, I had some major insecurities. If Haruhi even looked at another boy I got extremely paranoid that she didn't like me anymore. I like to think this made me try harder to be a better boyfriend, but now I realize it just made me a prick.
But nothing I do now will fix it, will it? She's already on that train. She's travelling far, far away from me, and fast. Honestly I don't blame her.
I am so selfish. I really am.
"Haruhi?" I asked, after twenty minutes of staring at her reading a book. She was so cute when she was concentrating, even if it was on something so mundane as homework. "You love me, right?"
She looked up. "Of course I do. What brought this on?"
"Nothing, nothing." I lied. It was better than saying oh you know, just my fucking insecurity striking at precisely the wrong moment. Haruhi knew I was insecure, though. She put her hand on mine and said, "If you're ever feeling insecure, know that I'll always be here to say I love you."
Damn it, I really loved that girl.
Her reassuring words were always the cure. And I took it for granted. I am such a dick, so selfish. Really I don't know how I can live with myself.
The door to my bedroom creaks open. I know it's Hikaru, but I don't turn around. I just feel like wallowing in my sorrows right now, thank you very much.
A sigh. A tapping of the foot. I turn around. "What?!"
"Nothing. Just came to see if you were okay." He casually lopes into the room, starts poking in my dresser. I want to scream GET OUT but for some reason that seems like a bad idea right now. So I sigh, roll my eyes and say, "Of course I'm okay, Hikaru. Everything is fucking dandy."
He sits on the bed. "Yeah, I can tell. Is that why you punched a hole in the table?"
I sniffle and wipe my eyes like a child, turning away from him again. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay." He says slowly. "When you're ready." Like our mother. God.
He starts walking away, reaches the door, pauses. "Oh, Kaoru?" I turn around. "Whaaat?!"
He holds up a piece of paper. "I found this on the floor in the living room. I think she must have written her phone number then ripped it out. Funny she didn't toss it in the garbage though." Hikaru smirks and flicks the paper in the air. I scramble to catch it before it hits the ground, like the dirt on our bedroom floor will infect this sacred phone number.
617-245-0679, is all the paper says on it. I read it over and over again. When I finally look up, Hikaru is gone.
Maybe I should call her. Have a talk about why things went wrong. I know what was wrong on my part. But I feel like if I do that, all we'll do is fight. If I really want to talk, we should talk in person.
But again, we can't do that. Or can we? I still have my plane ticket to Boston. But following her there will be creepy. I just want to talk. Which means I'll have to meet her at the airport.
I stand up, renewed energy in my once stiff limbs. I really want to be the good guy. Actually, scratch that I am the good guy. And now, if she says something that bothers me, even just a tad, I will hold in my comments instead of hurting her feelings.
I rush out of the room. Hikaru's standing in the hallway, evidently spying on me. I don't mind though. I need his help. I snag his arm as I walk past. "Bring the car around, and someone order me a bunch of red roses!" I call to any staff that might be listening. "Yes, Hitachiin-sama." Says a maid. Someone gives an order to the butler, who goes to retrieve the limousine.
"You thought of a plan?" Hikaru asks.
"A brilliant one." I reply.
"Card or no card, Hitachiin-sama?" A maid questions, cupping her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. "Card." I reply. "Make it say, 'I love you, I'm really sorry and I want to make things work'."
She reports this to the person on the other end, then asks, "And delivered to where?"
"Airport, flight 2111, seat 26F." I recite from memory. "If they protest, say we're the Hitachiins!" I say, seeing the look of confusion on her face.
"Alright, what do you need me for, little bro?" Hikaru asks, grinning.
I whisper the plan into his ear. "We should get going then." He says. The car comes up the drive and we bolt, shoving ourselves inside and gasping. "To the airport!" I yell triumphantly, and Hikaru fist-bumps me. The car speeds off and I'm filled with excitement, nervousness, and also sheer terror. The exact mix of emotions I felt when I asked her out for the first time.
Our driver must not be going the legal speed limit, because we arrive there way too fast. Hikaru and I jump out of the backseat and navigate our way through the confusing airport, until we finally get to Haruhi's gate. I see her, just sitting there, staring off into space. It was not so long ago that I last saw her, but it seems like forever. All thoughts of the plan banished, I make my way over to her purposefully.
Hikaru notices me and says, "Hey! What about the plan?" Causing Haruhi to look up and see me. She groans. I reach her and get down on one knee. Of course.
I don't really know what to say. I've seen a dozen movies like this, but I've never been the one to play the hero and stop the girl from boarding a train and leaving. So I just say whatever runs through my head.
"Haruhi, I know you hate me and you have every right to, just let me speak. I am a prick. I know that. I accept it. And I accept that I will not be anymore. I always loved you so much, but I never saw that I was hurting you. I'm telling you I will change that. I love you and I want you to give me another chance. Please?"
She waits some time before speaking, so long actually that I think I might have a heart attack from the suspense.
It's long, drawn-out, and very hesitant. But I do get my answer.
"...I'll... Yes. I'll give you another chance."
I've been clasping my hands so hard they have marks in them from where my fingernails dug into my skin. I release them, and suddenly I'm shaking. I start to cry and I collapse in her arms. And then we have our first kiss since she left.
It's sweaty and desperate and tastes like tears but I feel that thing again, that thing where all I feel is relief and happiness and love.
She pulls away and says, "You worded that beautifully. I love you too."
We hug and all I can think is, If I hadn't said what was running through my head, I might have blown it. I just said everything that ran through my head.
Maybe my tragic flaw wasn't such a flaw after all.