Disclaimer: Prince of Tennis belongs to its respective owners. No offense is meant by this fic. Cover photo is taken from pixiv, links are at the original source.
Warnings: Discussion of trans* issues including dysphoria and internalized transphobia.
Author's Note: It's been too long, so you get this. I'm not super content with the end, but it is what it is. Also, I'm aware transition isn't often this young. Also, I am not trans*, so please call me out if I've messed up/been transphobic unitentionally/etc. Thanks!
Fic Notes: Inspired by a tenipuri confession (using the cover image) reading: "I like to think the reason he was put into skirts and called Kaoru-chan as a child is because he was born a girl. I want fic where the team finds out because he tests positive for steroids."
Kaidoh Kaoru lasted until his first year of high school.
Until then, he had flown under the radar. No one considered that middle schoolers could be on steroids, and the few times prior that he had been tested, nothing had come back suspicious. But when he entered Seishun High, the team required a drug test; it was apparently a region-wide thing, and so while Kaidoh was nervous, he didn't think too much of it. At the very least, he knew he wasn't being singled out, because plenty of other guys complained about having to piss in a cup.
Something told him, being pulled out of class by Tezuka-buchou (senpai he reminded himself; Tezuka wasn't captain yet), he was being singled out this time.
"Senpai?" he questioned softly, trying to keep his breathing steady. Tezuka said nothing, only led him down the halls until they reached the tennis office. The room was, blessedly, empty; Kaidoh felt just a twinge of tension loosen as he carefully sat in one of the chairs. Tezuka sat in one opposite him, looking through a folder he'd picked up from the table next to him.
"Tanaka-sensei intended to speak to you about this directly, but Yamato-buchou convinced him I would be the more appropriate choice." That one sentence said more than Kaidoh needed to know. Immediately, he began running through his options-to tell, and potentially be exposed, maybe even kicked off the team; to lie, and be kicked off the team; to flounder and... well...
Tezuka handed over a piece of paper; Kaidoh could tell it was a copy. He figured the original was in the folder Tezuka had next to him.
"Your drug test came back positive."
Kaidoh swallowed. "For what, senpai?" Maybe this was a gross misunderstanding. Maybe it was something else. Maybe it wasn't-
"Steroids."
-it was. Ashamed, Kaidoh looked down at the paper in front of him; there, in bolded letters, was the line about his sample containing levels of synthetic testosterone.
"Can I speak to Inui-senpai?" he asked, hoping his voice wasn't shaking. If he was going to tell anyone, Inui-senpai would be the first one. And if he wasn't going to tell... well, talking to Inui-senpai always helped him gather his thoughts.
Tezuka gave a nod and a gruff yes. Kaidoh stood and bowed deeply. "Thank you, senpai. Sorry to trouble you." Tezuka stood as well, storing the papers back in the folder and setting them back on Tanaka-sensei's desk.
"Until further notice, you are suspended from all club activities and banned from practices," Tezuka told him. Kaidoh's heart sank, but it didn't surprise him.
"Thank you, senpai," he said once more, before calmly leaving the classroom.
He entered the first bathroom he saw and almost put his fist through the mirror. He just missed, knuckles connecting with cinder blocks; the pain was a relief. Looking up, Kaidoh saw his face: though he knew he passed fine, he could still see the thinness he'd detested as a child, the scars from when his mother had pierced his ears as a baby lightly visible. The too-full lips. The eyelashes that were a bit too long. (He remembered the day Kimi-chan in his junior high class had cooed over how long and lovely they were, how any girl would kill for them. He had to leave class to puke.)
"This is the men's bathroom," he said to himself, quiet but firmly. "This is where I belong." Needing to prove that point, Kaidoh stepped up to the urinal. He unzipped his pants and shifted his underpants, pulling his penis out.
Feeling it made the panic take over.
He was usually pretty good at fooling himself. Kaidoh could stroke it and think "this is my cock". He could pee with it and think "this is what I am supposed to look like". But right now, all he could see and feel was a lot of silicone.
It made him want to vomit.
Kaidoh made it to the toilet, on his knees, but little came up: he just dry-heaved, half sobbing, spit sliding down his face. At the back of his mind, Kaidoh realized he hadn't had this bad of a day since his last period, six months ago. As grateful as he was for that… he didn't want this. He couldn't deal with this.
It took him a couple of minutes, but eventually Kaidoh was able to pull himself together. He wiped the disgusting mess of spit and bile from his face and rinsed his mouth out at the sink, trying to flatten his hair and make himself look as presentable as possible. Then the bell rang, and he slipped out of the bathroom and among the throngs of people, heading for the science labs.
Inui was right where Kaidoh anticipated, situated at a counter near the windows and peering through a microscope. The younger teen swallowed, nervous, then stepped into the room.
"Inui-senpai," Kaidoh toned, more of a grunt that anything. It took a minute, but finally Inui looked up from his microscope.
His back was still to Kaidoh when he said, "Yes, Kaidoh-kun?"
Inui's tone was always stilted and distant: that was just how he was. But Kaidoh knew Inui enough to hear the frigidness in his voice. It hurt.
"Can we talk?"
Inui didn't turn right away. Instead, he kept scribbling in his notebook. Finally, once Kaidoh's nerves were strung tight as a racket, Inui swiveled slowly. He made eye contact that Kaidoh felt, because he could never see Inui's eyes.
"Why?"
It was a simple question. Kaidoh had intended to answer.
Instead, he froze.
"After all the work we put in…" Inui stood. "All the work you put in, over these last few years," Inui was stalking toward him now. "All the progress you were still making—" they were an arm's length away now "—why would you go and destroy all of that?"
Now it didn't matter that Kaidoh had intended to explain: Inui's words hit him so hard, so deep, so fast, it was like being punched in the stomach. Knees trembling, he sank to the floor at his senpai's feet.
"It's because I'm not right," he finally choked out, speaking without thinking. "I'm wrong and I've always been wrong and it's always been this way and it just never showed up before and I shouldn't be on the guys tennis team anyway I just hoped it would keep being okay."
Kaidoh's breathing was shallow: he felt like he'd just run ten kilometers. He was so ashamed, he couldn't even look up at Inui-senpai.
When Inui finally responded, he sounded furious but also confused. "How long have you been injecting synthetic testosterone?"
"I started T halfway through my second year of junior high," Kaidoh admitted softly. It was admitting his biggest flaw aloud.
"All this time?" Inui sounded shocked more than anything. "All the effort we put in, and you were using performance enhancers?"
"It's not my fault!" Kaidoh's voice cracked. He hated it.
He hated himself.
"Then tell me, Kaidoh-kun, what possible reason there could be for using steroids?"
Kaidoh was barely thinking anymore; the guilt of who he was… is… consumed him, and so the whispered statement just came out.
"I was born a girl."
It took Kaidoh a moment to understand why the feel of the room had changed. Gone was the fury and disappointment, replaced by confusion. He tilted his head up to see his senpai, to see Inui's jaw slack, his brows raised.
"I'm sorry, senpai," he said softly, reaching for the gruffness in his voice. Slowly, Kaidoh picked himself up off the ground. He bowed deeply in apology.
Inui only responded once Kaidoh turned to leave by reaching out and grabbing Kaidoh's wrist.
"Forgive me," Inui muttered. "That piece of information took me a while to integrate into my pre-existing schema." Inui let go, gauging that Kaidoh wouldn't bolt, and pulled over a stool. He sat down, waiting for Kaidoh to do the same.
"Am I…" Inui stopped, struggling with the words "Would it be… I understand this is a personal matter, but if you feel comfortable, may I ask some questions?" Kaidoh hesitated before agreeing.
"To clarify, when you say you were born a girl, you mean genetically female, possessing a female reproductive system?" Kaidoh nodded meekly. He hated hearing about how he was.
"When did you become a boy?"
"Never," Kaidoh grunted instinctively. Then embarrassment flooded him: this was Inui-senpai he was talking to. "I mean, senpai, I've always been a boy. They just thought I was a girl."
It was clearly difficult for Inui to wrap his mind around this. He opened and closed his mouth no less than three times before asking his next question.
"When did you start living as a boy?"
"Fully? Fourth, fifth grade. My parents realized something was wrong once my brother was born, because I…" Kaidoh hesitated, frustrated and ashamed. "I kept asking when I would get a penis like he had."
"Your parents just accepted that?" Even though the wording was harsh, Kaidoh could tell Inui was in full-on data mode.
"They took me to a child psychologist to try and 'fix' me, but he just told them I was one of the most severe cases of gender identity disorder he'd ever seen." Inui seemed surprised, so Kaidoh added, "I was four and demanding male pronouns."
Inui chuckled. "Well, you're certainly not one to do anything halfway."
Kaidoh couldn't help it: he laughed too. All of the panic and hatred from earlier was pushed down a bit further, and though it certainly wasn't gone, it wasn't as bad. Things didn't hurt as much. They were… okay.
"Thank you for telling me," Inui said afterward. "Even if only because of the situation… I can imagine the level of trust these admissions required."
Kaidoh's throat tightened, and he gave a very short nod. Then, despite the fact that he didn't want to say something stupid and emotional, he did.
"Thank you for listening and understanding and not—not telling me I'm wrong." The last words came out quiet and stuttered. Kaidoh could not look at Inui.
"You're you," Inui said, as if it was the most simple thing in the world. "That could never be wrong, Kaidoh-kun."
And then, just like that, Kaidoh Kaoru knew that whatever was in store for him over the next few days or weeks or months—that he would at least have Inui-senpai. Everything would be okay.