Spider-Matt's Religion
Join if you want.
You're a crackpot if you do.
IntroductionHello, Spider-Matt here, and I'm going to explain the origin of this religion. It's actually quite simple, really. Everybody thinks that they have the real version of how the universe came to be. Well, everyone is wrong. I wanted to set the record strait. After having a long talk with God, I was able to get the real story. So if you want to join this crazy %*$# up cult, go ahead. But believe me when I say I won't blame you if you don't.
The BeginningIn the beginning there was nothing. Shortly after the beginning began there was God. Where he came from exactly is actually a mystery, although most people prefer to believe he pulled himself out of his own ass. Go figure.
Anyway, God is really quite a cool guy and was having fun one day it finally hit him. What "it" was exactly is another mystery, but it hit God so hard that he started having delusions of creating an entire universe with creatures lesser than him in it. Then he could rule over all these worlds and have the smartest among the creatures kiss his ass at least one day a week.
"Yeah, that would be so sweet," God said one night before falling asleep.
As fate would have it, God actually just had to think of something he wanted and it was there. So the next morning God woke up and sneezed the biggest sneeze in all of history and beyond. When God sneezed, out popped the universe. There was one world that just didn't want to come out, though. So God went fishing for it. He stuck his finger up his nose and wiggled it around until he got a hold of the world. He pulled it out.
"Wow! That's a green one!" God exclaimed. "I'll call that one earth." God flicked it away.
Life Rears It's Ugly Head
Earth was the last world that God bothered with. When he finally got around to putting inhabitants on it, all the other worlds were so more advanced that earth hardly mattered. God felt bad for this, so he decided to pay extra attention to this planet and eventually put his only children on the planet so it wouldn't feel left out. He then proceeded to put the biggest creatures in the entire universe on this planet. Dinosaurs were created!
Unfortunately, these creatures were so dumb that they fell out of existence rather quickly. So, God put the smartest creatures in the entire universe on this planet. These creatures would be, as sad as it is, humans. They weren't quite as big as dinosaurs, but God was proud of his small accomplishment.
Now would be an appropriate time to tell of the coming about of Satan. Satan was one of God's Poker Buddies until God caught him cheating. Satan desperately wanted to be known as the greatest poker player in all of existence. God made a place for Satan called Hell. Satan was banished from Heaven to Hell for all of existence. Satan was also forced to relinquish his poker cards and chips. He would never play poker again.
Playing GodIt was another few thousand years of poker playing before God decided to do anything with earth again. God saw an old crackpot that was good at persuading people to believe him. His name was Moses and God decided to talk to him in the form of a burning bush. God made Moses do all sorts of crazy errands for him such as freeing the slaves. That amused God very much. Watching Moses be chased by all those Egyptians! What a laugh!
Anyway, God gave the humans a set of rules to follow called the Ten Commandments. These didn't really mean anything, but God just wanted to see if people would follow them or not.
The Begotten And Forgotten Sons
Nothing else really happened until God sent an angel down to impregnate some woman by the name of Mary. As you can imagine, her husband was very angry, but what was he going to do about it.
Nine months later Mary gave birth to two sons in a barn. Yes, that's right, two! Count them! One plus one equals two!
They were Siamese twins joined at the head. One was named Jesus; the other named Jesus (H-a-y-z-e-u-s). Jesus (H-a-y-z-e-u-s) was half brain dead, so he never learned to talk or function properly in society. So he was ignored and never written about.
Jesus, the guy that could talk, did many great things and was hated for it. So, being very envious, an angry mob hung Jesus and his twin on a cross. It was tricky at first, but the twin was eventually folded onto the other side of the cross. It was a terrible strain on the neck, but no one cared. Eventually, the twins died and went to Hell. God sure didn't want to bother with them.
What God's Do When They're BoredGod then just stuck to poker for the next few thousand years and eventually came to a point where the earth got too boring for him. It needed to be spiced up a bit. There were already several religions on earth (Hindu, which was strictly made up by a couple of drunks, being among to more humorous ones), but God wanted something more. Something to piss off Christians just to spice up the drama that is earth. Yes! He had it. God would change the whole religion on them.
So God had planted a few gold tablets to be found by a man by the name of Joseph Smith. Smith preached these tablets, being the idiot he was, which completely contradicted the Bible. Yet the new religion was considered to be a Christian religion at the same time. The new book that was written was called the Book of Mormon. God was very amused.
Afterward
There you have it. The entire history religion is there. Let it be known that you really aren't going to Heaven unless you're a really good poker player. I'm one of God's Poker Buddies. I should know. How else would I have gotten all this information? I'm not actually good at poker, but God likes keeping me around for a few laughs.