A/N: Random one shot. I like random one shots though. But I really should get back to work on, The Choices We Make, before my readers like...behead me. So I'm off to do that now, just wanted to post this first.
Disclaimer: One Tree Hill isn't mine now, nor will it probably ever be mine. But a girl can dream, right?
Oh yeah, and the song ain't mine either. (So Yesterday - Hilary Duff)
You can change your life - if you wanna
You can change your clothes - if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that's the way it goes
I used to love Nathan Scott. I'll admit it. He was my first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first date. And I really did love him for awhile. And it seemed like he loved me too. But he only loved himself. Nathan Scott loved the idea of having a girlfriend, of having someone who cared about him. Who was there when he really needed someone. But it never had to be me. It could have been anyone. Hell, even Bevin would have done just fine. She probably would have been better than me even, because she'd be too dumb to realize that he was using her.
But I'm gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat - 'cause I wanna
They look good on me
You're never gonna get them back
All Nathan and I did was fight anyways. I'd get mad about the stupid things he'd do, but one look in his eyes, and I couldn't say no. But I hated it. I hated forgiving him, because I knew in my heart it was never going to work. Because I wasn't the one. The one that could make him see that there was a whole world out there. That there was more to life than basketball. I think in a sense it was over before it ever started. We were never going to work, no matter how hard we tried. But a part of my heart will always be with him.
At least not today, not today, not today
'Cause if it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
He didn't want to break up. Or so he said. He tried to stop it, he tried to make me forgive him once again. But I had had enough. I was done with all this fighting. Because he didn't love me, and I didn't love him. There was nothing left to salvage. We were holding on to what we once had, something that no longer existed, and was never going to exist again. No matter how many times he begged for my forgiveness and I gave in, it wasn't going to change the fact that it was over, and it had been for a long time. We had just been so blinded by what we thought was love.
I'm just a bird that's already flown away
Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
But I was done with all this pretending. Pretending we loved the other so we didn't have to be alone. Pretending that we were meant to be, when we only had eyes for others. I knew for a fact that I was not in love with Nathan anymore, but it was the other Scott brother that had captured my heart. I told Nathan to leave, forget all this had ever happened. We both knew it was all lies and secrets anyways. But he didn't want to give up. I think he wanted to believe that we could learn to love each other. But I knew I'd never feel with him, what I felt with Lucas.
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay
You can say you're bored - if you wanna
You can act real tough - if you wanna
You can say you're torn
But I've heard enough
Nathan never understood me, never got who I was. To him, I was just another cheerleader that was willing to give myself to him. That my art was just a bunch of drawings and that my music was nothing more than something that he heard when he was in my car or in my room. But to me, it was so much more. And Lucas understood that. He understood my art, what it really meant. He listened to some of the same music as me. He knew there was more to me than just cheerleading and blonde hair. But Nathan never did.
Thank you, you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
Nathan was always more interested in hanging out with the guys than spending time with me. Whenever he had a choice between the two, he usually chose the guys and I ignored it, pretended it didn't happen. Or at least I tried to. But it was always in the back of my mind that while I sat here alone, Nathan was with his friends. But some how I went all that time without caring. Without caring that Nathan chose other people over me. Without caring that it didn't bother Nathan that I spent my Friday nights alone. I managed to block it all out.
'Cause if it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away
I'm not going to cry about losing Nathan. He never cared about me enough to bother wasting my tears. But I won't deny loving him. I won't deny caring. Because believe you me, I did. For the longest time he was my first thought when I woke up, and my last one before I fell asleep. My life revolved around Nathan Scott. And through the many times we broke up, I still thought about him. I still considered going over and apologizing for whatever had happened this time to cause it. And sometimes I did, but other times I didn't. And I realize now why I didn't go those times.
Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay
It was because as much as I loved him, I didn't want to. I never wanted to become so emotionally attached to him. But I did. I let myself get into deep, and it took me a long time to pull myself out. To get my head above the water and stop drowning myself. No matter how many times I was pulled under, I just kept getting right back in. And every time, it took longer to get myself back to where I'd started. Every time, I drained myself emotionally trying to keep my composure. There were times when I just wanted to hide from the world.
If you're over me, I'm already over you
If it's all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I'm a step ahead
If you're moving on, I'm already gone
If the light is off then it isn't on
But now that it's over, I'm going to get my act together. I'm going to fix my life. Because I know if I don't, it's just going to be the same thing over and over again. I'm going to protect my heart next time, because I'm sick of causing my own heart to break. I won't blame Nathan, because it isn't his fault. If anyone's to blame for this mess it's me, because I was the one who wouldn't admit it was over. I was the one who kept coming back to him, because I didn't want to have to deal with being alone.
'Cause If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away
I knew I didn't have a choice. I knew it was never going to work between us. And so when it was over I did what I knew I had to. I started to pick up the pieces and mend the heart that had been smashed until it was practically non existent. I started to put my life back together so that some day I could let someone else in. And maybe some day I will. But for now, I'll be fine on my own. Unlike Nathan, I realized I don't need a guy by my side to make me feel alright. I can be by myself and still be happy. And that's how I plan on doing it. For now, the only one in my life who matters Peyton Sawyer. And that's who I am, with or without Nathan Scott. Or any guy for that matter. Peyton Sawyer can stand up for herself, and be happy without a guy. Which is why I'm going to be just fine. All this drama is so yesterday.
Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay
So, leave your thoughts