"Threshold"
Sequel to "An Important Announcement"
~ Jaclyn (http://www.geocities.com/tinted_daylight)
© 2001
Rated: PG
Codes: J/C
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway, Chakotay, and the rest of the Voyager crew. They even own the actual ship. The only thing I own is the plot. Now how annoying is that???
"I could have you thrown in the brig," Janeway gasped. "On charges of assault and insubor--oh!" She broke off as he recaptured her mouth with his and kissed her passionately. She struggled feebly, mostly just for show, then gave in and returned the kiss hungrily.
Finally, when it became apparent that they had to either die of asphyxiation or start breathing again, Chakotay broke off the kiss. She was clinging to him, unable to trust herself to stand unaided.
Their faces were still very near, and she was looking at him guiltily, an expression of something that closely resembled fear on her face.
Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "That wasn't assault, Captain. I have no illusions to the fact that if you really didn't want that, I'd be in the brig nursing a broken jaw right now."
She was shaking visibly, and her expression made him cringe. Maybe catching her off guard wasn't such a great idea after all. She looked miserable . . .
Worried, he loosened his grip on her forearms, although she continued to cling to his uniform front as if it were a lifeline.
"Kathryn, are you alright?"
She shook her head jerkily. "No," Janeway whispered.
And then suddenly she broke free of him and started pacing the room like a caged animal, screaming. "No! I'm not all right! I'm falling apart! Can't you see that? And it's all your fault! Don't you understand that this can't happen? I can't get like this, all dreamy and trembling, whenever I get near you. I have a ship to run. If there were a sudden life-threatening situation right now, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Do you get how serious that is?" Janeway threw her hands up in the air and exclaimed: "Arrrrrgh!!!"
Chakotay watched her silently. Well, at least he knew she was all right now.
"Yes, damn it, of course I want this!" she continued. "How did you ever guess? And you're right -- no one kisses me unless I want them to. I don't fool around, Chakotay. If and when I enter into a relationship, it's going to be for real."
He said calmly: "Okay."
She stopped. "What?"
"I said, okay. As in, all right, I hear you."
"And that encapsulates your entire reaction to my little outburst?"
"Basically."
"I don't understand." She thought he was going to fight her.
"What's there to understand? You told me you don't want a relationship with me, so there will be no relationship. That is what you yelled before, right?"
"No! I never said that!"
"Yes, you did. You said--"
"No, I didn't. I said I couldn't have one, I never said anything about what I want…" Her tone became softer as she looked at the floor in…embarrassment? What, after all these years, she was still afraid to show her vulnerabilities to him?
"What do you want?" Chakotay asked her gently, sensing somehow that she wanted him to know, even if she wouldn't make good on it.
Kathryn took a breath. "You. Us. Another New Earth. Romantic candlelight dinners and strolls on the beach at dawn. To be…" she swallowed. "…held in your arms without feeling guilty about it. Basically…everything I can't have." She looked so sad that he felt bad pushing her about it, but he figured that, ultimately, it was the only way to make her happy…
Or was he so egotistical that he thought he was the ONLY person in the universe whom she could ever love? If previous engagements were anything to go by, there was already plenty of doubt on that front.
The only thing he knew for certain was that she had wormed her way so deeply into his soul that he knew he could never stop loving her.…
The thought made him question her. "Why?"
She looked surprised. "Why do I want it?" Good lord, I seriously hope I misunderstood his question…no one can be that thick…
"No. Why can't you have it?"
Thank god. A more reasonable subject, even if we have gone over it fifteen million times, she thought. Aloud, she exclaimed: "I just told you five minutes ago!"
He inhaled and prepared for a fight. "I don't think that's a valid reason. It's just not good enough. For once in your life, Kathryn, adapt the rules!"
His eyes glinted as he continued. "I know you. If the Borg suddenly attacked, you would snap right into Captain mode. Maybe it would take you a few seconds longer, but you would manage. Run that much faster to the Bridge. And you can't deny yourself happiness for the sake of a scenario that might not even happen!"
"Watch me," she said coldly, her voice dangerous. "Go back over what you just said, Commander. MIGHT not. That's just not good enough for me." She was furious, and she didn't know why. Well, yes she did. She was staring into the face of all she wanted, and now she had to convince him that she couldn't have it. The thought of the inevitable screaming match was enough to make her gut wrench, and she realized she was only getting angry now because she knew she would have to later.
How utterly ridiculous.
It didn't even make sense.
Janeway calmed herself down and went to stand next to him. "Chakotay, listen to me. It's my fault we're here. I made an error in judgement, and now we're all suffering because of it. I will not further risk the lives of this crew for my own selfish reasons."
There were so many things he wanted to say to that. His mind was whirring, where to begin?
He whispered: "Suffering? You think we're suffering?"
She just looked at him solemnly.
He felt his eyes beginning to moisten slightly, and he wasn't ashamed to show it. "Kathryn, for some people, Voyager is the best thing that could possibly have happened to them. Look at Tom and B'Elanna. They never in a million years would have found each other if it weren't for your fateful decision -- which saved countless lives. Not to mention all the Maquis would be dead if it weren't for you. We would have been *slaughtered* in the Alpha Quadrant, and instead we're all living relatively easy, happy lives here." There were so many examples he could cite; his words were tripping over each other. "Tom and B'Elanna have both become better people because of you….everyone has. You inspire such courage and loyalty to a cause that people can't help but bloom under your command."
She was biting her lip very hard, desperately trying not to cry. He could cry if he wanted to, he was that type of person. But her...if she started crying now, she'd never stop.
His words touched her, she had to admit. And maybe there was some truth to them. But…
"What about the ones that died? They probably would have been better off in the Alpha Quadrant…"
He gave her a slight smile. "There's that maybe again. I'll grant you it's a possibility, but it's just as likely that they would have been killed on an away mission in their own respective home systems. You can't second-guess every move you make. But I will tell you, if you continue this way for the next thirty years--"
"What way?" she asked almost harshly.
"Lonely. Guilt-ridden. In the simplest of terms, angry and sad."
She frowned, but said nothing.
"--if you continue this way, it will eventually leak into the way you command your ship, and then people will die."
Kathryn stared at him, speechless. How did one reply to an accusation like that?
Damn. Apparently, it was to start sobbing.
She reached blindly for him, the tears coming hard and fast, making her surroundings blur alarmingly.
He was easy to find. He was always right there, right when she needed him. And he always knew when to hug her and when simple, kind words were enough. And and and…all the wonderful things about him ran through her mind, a crazy romp through time and space.
Chakotay pulled her to him and let her cry into his chest. One arm wound around her shoulders and his other hand massaged the small of her back. She melted into him, crying uncontrollably.
Part of him was a little thrown by all the mood swings she'd gone through today, but he knew it was just her way of dealing with things. The fact that she had allowed him to see that spoke volumes.
He whispered into her hair: "You don't have to decide anything today…"
"I already did," she said into his uniform, her voice muffled.
She looked up, her eyes bloodshot and her nose red. I never knew her nose turned red when she cried, he thought irrelevantly. How cute.
Of course, he would never admit to that idle thought.
Hold on. She said she decided something…
Please let it be what I want to hear…
She reached up and kissed him softly on the lips. The fingers of one hand traced his tattoo softly, and she admitted: "I've wanted to do that for so long…"
He finally found his voice. "I hope that's not all you've decided." He sounded like a hopeful child. How embarrassing.
Kathryn smiled a little. "No. I need to go now, but why don't you drop by for dinner later and we can discuss our rapidly progressing relationship in detail."
"Kathryn, are you saying--"
"Yes," she smiled happily through her tears.
His heart soared, but at the same time he wondered why she still needed to keep her distance from him, especially after agreeing to give 'them' a try.
"Kathryn, why are you still pushing me away?" he asked, and tone conveyed his hurt more than he wanted it to. "Why, after a conversation like this, can't we go to your quarters *now* and discuss things? Why do you always need to be alone?"
She almost laughed, but managed to suppress the urge in time. "Because, Chakotay, I am due on the bridge in about ten seconds, and because of you I am going to be late. But it's ok. This was more important." Now she turned serious. "However, you are going to have to give me some time to adjust. I *am* used to dealing with things on my own, but obviously I can't do it all the time. Maybe we can make this work, maybe we can't. The important thing is that I'm willing to try." She gently pulled out of his arms and said: "My quarters. 2030 hours."
She was almost out of the Mess Hall when he called after her. "From what you just said to me, I can't decide whether you're a pessimist or an optimist."
She laughed and said over her shoulder. "I'm me, Chakotay. Which is to say, I guess, that I'm a realist."
"So do you think 'we' can work?"
She thought for a moment, at the threshold of the mess hall and at the threshold of a new chapter in her life.
"I think the odds are definitely in our favor." By which she hoped she meant, 'yes.'
She was in the turbolift on her way to the bridge when she suddenly tapped her commbadge and, forgetting to be formal said, "Chakotay?"
Surprised, he answered informally as well as he walked into Astrometrics. "Yup?"
"I meant 'Yes.'"
Seven of Nine looked up as she heard the Captain's jubilant tone through the communications system.
Chakotay grinned widely and said: "You're an optimist, Kathryn."
"I know," she said sheepishly. "Sometimes. But don't tell anyone, k?"
"I believe that is now unnecessary, Captain," Seven interrupted. "Your conversation is being broadcasted throughout the entire ship as you neglected to specify to which member of the crew you wished the computer to open a channel. As a result, you and the Commander are speaking on the intercom, and therefore your conversation is not private."
There was a brief silence, and Chakotay could just see Janeway blinking as she processed this.
"Ah," she said. Chakotay chuckled.
"Well," Janeway continued. "Let me take this opportunity to tell all of you what a wonderful crew you are. And I really mean that, to each and every one of you."
B'Elanna, remembering what had transpired in the mess hall earlier before Tom had forced them all out, said: "Chakotay, did you just propose to the Captain?"
At the same time, Tom, remembering what had transpired in the mess hall earlier before he had forced all of the crew out, said: "Captain, did Chakotay just propose to you?"
Chakotay heard Kathryn swallow and she tried to decide how to react to this.
He laughed and said, "No, but I'm one step closer in my master plan to get us to live happily ever after."
"Chakotay!" Janeway cried. "I feel like you're all ganging up on me."
"Captain, do you suspect a conspiracy?" Tuvok asked.
"No!" she exclaimed. "I was, uh, joking, Tuvok. Kind of."
"We should do this more often," Neelix said, banging two pots together. "It's so fun! Everyone talking as they do their jobs…such camaraderie. It's so nice…very good for morale…"
"Captain, I disagree with Neelix's suggestion. It can only decrease shipwide efficiency, and that is why I believe it is necessary to terminate this link."
"You heard her, people," Janeway said, and then quipped: "Resistance is futile. But maybe we should do this more often…it is kind of….fun."
"Fun," Tuvok said in disbelief.
"Fun!" Naomi Wildman crowed, and then everyone laughed and got back to work.
FU--….er…FIN
Well, that was an interesting fic, wasn't it? I would really appreciate some constructive criticism, and you can send that and almost anything else (but please be civil) to musicnotej@aol.com. Thanks. ~ Jaclyn