Without A Glance
By Lunaleth

1.31.2010

Potter— well, he's not Potter anymore. And I don't know why I care. LJ

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. (Of course.)

I'm just a little bit scared.

Potter— well, he's not Potter anymore. And I don't know why I care.

If I were to be brutally, truly honest to myself, I'd have to admit that I know why he changed. I don't have to like it, but I know. I pretended not to see it when it started, and refused to acknowledge it when it was right in front of my pathetic eyes. And now, it's gone so far that I don't know what to do.

These days, whenever he looks at me, there's this unbearable emptiness in his eyes, and I don't know why, but it breaks my heart a little. Every time I see it.

It was rather nice at first, you know. I'd be walking down the hallway, and I'd see Potter walking towards me, and I'd think, oh crap, there he is, coming to annoy me again.

And he'd walk right on by without a second glance.

---

I stomped down the hallway, rather annoyed. That horrid surprise transfiguration exam had completely ruined my day.

And to make it better, the fates had decided to send one James Potter.

I turned the corner, only to be tackled to the ground by a rather familiar thirteen-year-old boy with black hair.

I groaned. Just what I needed.

"Lily! Fancy meeting you here!" he grinned, still sprawled on top of me.

I rolled my eyes and heaved him off of me. He sat up straight and crossed his arms casually. I glared. "Don't touch me."

"Can I talk to you, then?"

"No. Don't even look at me."

James smiled, amused, eyes sparkling, and turned around so that his back was to me. As passing students stared, he loudly proclaimed, "Alright! My dear Lily Evans will not favor me with her attentions, and thus I will proclaim my own intentions to the entire world! I will marry her, and she will bear my children! We will have millions of beautiful babies with black hair and green eyes, and our marriage bed will—"

I hexed him, furious, shutting him up immediately. That I received a detention for my actions only fueled my anger.

In a strange, twisted way, he'd made me feel better. At least I had something worse than transfiguration to be mad about now.

---

I'd be sitting in the Common Room, reading a rather boring book. The portrait hole would open, and he'd walk in. I'd brace myself, apprehensive, but he would surprise me as he headed up silently to his dormitory.

There were no more proclamations of eternal love.

---

"Lily dear!" James bounded over happily.

"I'm not a dear."

"You're right, because you're my dear!" he grinned.

I died a little on the inside.

"Alright, but I didn't come over just to make your day. I mean, I did, but that's not the entire reason. I have something to tell you."

I resolutely ignored him.

He continued on, undaunted, eyes alight. "Lily, it's eight o'four on this lovely autumn evening. And I love you!" He kissed my cheek (the nerve of him!) and skipped away.

---

I'd be sitting in the Great Hall, eating my dinner. It'd be a quiet evening, wintertime, cold and miserable outside. One of those too-quiet evenings, one of those evenings when the Marauders would pull a huge prank just to liven things up a little. I'd sit there, expecting, at any moment, the need to pull out my Head Girl authority and yell at my fellow Head for neglecting his responsibilities.

Dinner would pass by without a single commotion.

---

It was a quiet evening. A few days before exams, and all the students were wound up and a little too stressed.

I was no different. Nursing my mashed potatoes, I dreaded the moment when I would have to trudge back upstairs to the Common Room and resume my studying.

BOOM.

I looked up, startled.

BOOM.

The enormous doors leading to the Great Hall burst open, and in swarmed—

Oh crap.

I clambered onto the table, knocking my dish of potatoes to the ground, as a huge pack of animals came crashing into the room. Shrieks from the other students sounded throughout the Hall, and Professor Slughorn fainted dead away. He hated animals, unless they were dead and being used in his potions. And these animals— there was something uncanny about them. I could have sworn a huge black dog winked at me as it ran past me to terrorize Professor McGonagall.

The animals scampered about, creating a hell of a commotion. A herd of antelopes knocked the dishes to the floor, while a rogue gorilla tackled a few unlucky Slytherins to the ground. The Great Hall resembled an African safari.

A few seats down, I noticed James, Remus, and Peter. I must say, they were horrible at pretending to be scared, James especially. One doesn't laugh that hard if he's scared. One's eyes don't glitter quite so mischievously.

And where the hell did they get that elephant?

---

I tried to convince myself that these were good changes. Good changes, I told myself over and over, as I sat in the Great Hall, eating breakfast and watching Potter sit grimly with his frowning friends; as I sat in the classroom, the only sound being the haunting absence of the usual muted laughter from the back of the room; as I did my patrols with him, the silence thick, ten feet of cold air between us as we walked. I tried not to miss the laughter, the confidence, the emotion that used to exist so tangibly around him, affecting everything he touched.

I tried to ignore it, but I knew it was my fault. How many times had I yelled at him to grow up?

He'd finally listened.

---

I stood in the room, tapping my foot impatiently, sounding out each moment, another moment that Potter was late. I stared out the window at the full moon, trying to suppress my anger.

He came dashing in, disheveled and panting. I narrowed my eyes.

"I'm really sorry, I was—"

"Thirty-four minutes, Potter. You were supposed to meet me for patrols thirty-four minutes ago!" I glared.

He met my hard green eyes with his pleading hazel ones, as if willing me to understand. "Lily, I'm sorry, I had to help Remus—"

I sighed, exasperated. "I don't care about excuses, Potter. You know your responsibilities! I thought you'd changed when you became Head Boy, but I guess I was wrong. Why can't you just grow up?"

I turned and stalked out of the room, completely missing his pain and heartbreak written so clearly on his face.

---

I really shouldn't be so insensibly sad that he's finally grown up. Insensible is what it is, completely. It's not like I care. It's not like I love him or anything.

Right?

Taking advantage of the warm spring evening, I meander around the lake, rather insensibly sad in spite of all my personal pep talks. I don't even like Potter, I tell myself, not at all, not a whit, much less love—

Speak of the devil.

He's standing there under a tree, just staring into the water. I feel my heart go into overdrive. My hands grow cold.

As I come closer, he glances up at me. His eyes are lifeless, as they often are these days, so different from what they were before, from what they should be—filled with joy and laughter. He looks away and starts walking back to the castle.

"You changed." I can't help but say it.

He stops and turns around, appraises me with those dull eyes. A pause. Slowly— "So what if I did?"

"You changed…for me."

James just sighs and closes his eyes. "Evans, you should be in bed."

I shake my head, keeping my gaze steady. "I didn't ask you to change for me."

"I changed because I wanted to, alright?"

I frown. "But you're not…happy."

"Since when did you care about me being happy?" he laughs hollowly.

I wince. I deserved that. "Why did you change?"

"Because I wanted to."

"The real reason, James."

He sighs, relenting easily. He has no fight left in him anymore. "I couldn't bear hate in your eyes, every time you looked at me. I had to do something."

For a moment, I'm lost for words. And I realize, these days, it's the other way around. These days, it's I who can't bear to look at him, I who can't bear to meet his eyes.

This can't go on. I've been so damn stubborn all this time, refusing to see what was right in front of me. He saw it all along, has always been the one reaching out to me, and I, I've never given him anything in return except pain.

Now, for the first time, I want to give him something else.

"Look at me."

He glances at me, barely meeting my eyes before glancing away.

"James, please. Look at me."

He looks again, as if he can't help it, as if he's connected to every desperate word I speak, every pleading look I give him. I'm the one pleading now. His eyes meet mine, and I hold them, try to convey to him what I can't seem to say out loud. His passivity turns into confusion, and then a heartbreaking hope. "I see something…else?"

I shiver, in spite of the warm weather. "Tell me."

"You love me." A broken voice. Something I need to fix.

I step forward to meet him and hug him tightly. After a moment of hesitation, he hugs me back, and as we hold each other silently, there by the lake; as I kiss him, so long and soft that I forget to breathe; as we walk down to breakfast together the next day, him laughing and smiling as he should be, and me right there beside him as I should be, I have a feeling that, even though I'm just a little bit scared, because, yes, love is a scary thing, his eyes will never be empty again.

And if those eyes are what I spend the rest of my life filling with life and with love, well, that's just fine with me.

Author's Note: I think this is one of my first pieces that's even slightly depressing. But I liked how it worked out, and it has a happy ending. And that's what matters, no? I love happy endings. Don't we all? :)
Hopefully you got that the parts in italics were moments from their past.
Feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

lunaleth